arbrne_vet Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Not even sure where to begin. i am sure everyone knows my messed up situation. i have been trying all week to get some time with her this weekend, and all kinds of excuses. yesterday, she went psycotic again. enough was enough. the only way i can describe her, is she has "emotional rabies". when an animal has rabies, it needs help in a major way, yet attacts anyone who gets near to help. that i s what she is and has been doing. i have done sooo much, told her so many times how much i love her, blah, blah, blah, and all i get is the past thrown in my face.... so, last night i am going to the movies with my daughter and her husband, and now i am a bad guy for doing something. she wanted me to drop everything, and go see her, when all she was doing all week was blowing me off!!! ok, so i am just getting this off my chest. time to move on. time for me to heal. i feel "drawn" to her, and am having a hard time breaking away. yes, i need to, yes i want to, yes i will. i feel i will stumble and fall a few times, but i need to break away. all she wants to do is isolate me from everything in my life, so she can control ever aspect of me, while she does what the helll she wants. i was in the care with my daughter and son-in-law while she was ranting and raving on the phone. my son-in-law said she has crap dr. phil won't touch. there is a part of me that wants to "save" her. i know this cannot be done. maybe by admitting this openly will help me. i need to find something to "replace" her. no, not another woman. that would not be fair to her. so... probably not making much sense, but here is my first step forward. i can't get tp the end of my journey if i don't make that first step!
Downtown Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 She went psychotic again. enough was enough. the only way i can describe her, is she has "emotional rabies".As Mack05, Frisky, and I discussed with you last August, the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether her traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full blown disorder. Yet, even when such traits fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can make your life miserable and undermine a marriage. i feel i will stumble and fall a few times, but i need to break away. all she wants to do is isolate me from everything in my life, so she can control ever aspect of me, while she does what the helll she wants.For a caregiver like you, Airborne, walking away from a BPDer (i.e., person having stong BPD traits) is extremely difficult to do. For caregivers like us, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema -- even when that is exactly what we should do to terminate a toxic marriage that is hurting both partners. I therefore applaud you for your achievement. You should be very proud of yourself. If you would like to read about what is in store for you if you were to stay in the marriage, I suggest you read my description of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer. My post is in Pat's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365. Take care, Airborne.
lalalandman Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 She knows she can have you anytime she wants you. If you were her, would you put much effort into being with you? Oh, and that's assuming you don't really care about her and are selfish as hell...get my drift?
Exit Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Typical immature ex stuff to blow someone off and then suddenly demand that they pay attention. She's playing the same dumb games as so many other immature women. You know what you need to do. Disappear from her. This is the first breakup in my life where I really decided to do NC and totally resist my ex's mixed messages that were still leaving the door open for me to pursue her. I feel pretty good. Sure it still hurts and I'm still working through it, but to actually take my power and my dignity and walk away instead of letting it drag on for weeks or months (as I've allowed to happen before with the same girl!) is feeling good. I can sympathize with having a caregiver personality and the attraction of wanting to help someone. That's why even in a situation like this, where you get blown off multiple times and then she blames you for going and doing something else, sometimes our caregiver minds actually start to believe that we did something wrong. It's not you though. And this is why NC is important, because after removing yourself from the situation for a bit, it'll become so glaringly obvious that you were playing by a totally crooked set of rules, and that's what made you feel terrible. Give yourself the space to come back to the real/sane world and you'll quickly understand you did the right thing.
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 well downtown, i don't feel i should be applauded so to speak. i feel i have failed and gave in soo many times. i realize no matter what i do, nothing will work. i need to work on me. i need time for me. i have some goals for the future. they are not major, but they are goals. i think it helped openly confessing my failures here. maybe i have been in denial so to speak over this whole thing. i know i deserve much better than this. this is just plain insanity. it boggles my mind how someone can be the way she is. how self centered and nothing matters but her. then when she has no leg to stand on, she throws the past in my face, over and over and over again. i am beginning to find pieces of from time to time. i am slowly finding myself again. this is what i have had on my desk for the past 5 years. it seems as if i have forgotten what it means to me. time to start putting it back into practice. “Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”
Recommended Posts