start-fresh Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Not sure if this is the right place for this, but it's most along the lines of marriage/long term committment so here goes. I've only been dating my current girlfriend about a month and a half, but we've been friends for maybe four or five months. I'm in grad school and she's got a full time job that's actually basically the same field I'm studying for my master's. I've got a year left until I graduate and her long term project at work has a couple years until completion, with some uncertainty if there will be a position when that project is done. It is very likely, however, that more work will come in and she won't be laid off. Prior to coming to grad school, I lived about six hours away from our current location and worked for a great company. I left my job there and moved across the country for a different job that I ended up hating. So that brought me to my current city and grad school. This current company just contacted me and flat out told me I have a position there whenever I'm ready to return. They are growing. I owe them a timely response of some sort right now. How do I discuss this with my girlfriend without it seeming like too much too soon? Right now, I really see no reason why I wouldn't want to be with her long term. She's amazing and we have similar interests and backgrounds, but haven't talked about specific family goals yet. Also, if it wasn't for dating her, I would consider serious discussion with the company about accepting my job back. I knew this situation would probably come up before I asked her out, but I didn't think it would happen this soon.
Deanster Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I'd say just exactly what you said here. Let her know that you're very interested in a relationship with her, and that it's still early days, probably too early to be making (or declining to make) major life changes based on the relationship, but you have this decision to make that would take you out of town. There's no avoiding the discussion without just breaking up with her and leaving town. Otherwise, you have to have the 'it's too early to really talk about me staying here because you're here, or you coming with me because I'm leaving, but I need to decide to stay or go, and you're certainly part of that decision...' conversation. All you can hope for is that it goes well, and you're both really honest about what you want, and what level of accountability you're willing to sign up for. The basic choices are that a) you stay, in which case she's perhaps 'on the hook' for the relationship being good enough for you to have given up a major opportunity; b) you go and she stays, with either an attempt to maintain a long-distance relationship or breaking up (at least for now); or c) she comes with you, in which case you're 'on the hook' for the relationship being good enough for her to have given up her current situation. By 'on the hook', I of course don't mean formally, but it's almost impossible to not have some of that dynamic, where the person who gives up their opportunity/current location does so with the expectation of a lasting and quality relationship, and where a breakup a few months or even a couple years later leaves them feeling like they gave up too much for a relationship that didn't work out.
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