daphne Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I somehow managed to get 3 really good options after the disappointment of the last guy not working out. I feel pretty lucky, except that I've come to realize that all that glitters is not gold. I went out with #1 contender last night. He has everything going for him. He seems to be a good communicator on top (welcomed, given the last fiasco.) We went out for the second time last night and I had had the most fun I've had in months and feeling pretty good. Then we went for a quiet drink and the wheels came off the machine. #1 and I discussed how we saw a relationship going, and it's clear we have very different goals. I had already told him that I like to go slow, I'm a little old fashioned and I want to know what I'm getting into. It was no surprise. However, he decided to argue and throw in exes that wanted to go slow that really were just emotionally unavailable women and how he didn't want that again. I suggested we simply aren't on the same page. That he's projecting onto me, and I'm not that person. I also mentioned that this was getting entirely too heavy for a 2nd date. So #1 and I aren't a match. There's nothing more unattractive than a neurotic, controlling man who wants to tell you that you have to go at his speed in a relationship. Had a date with #2 the other night. He is salt of the earth. Cute, funny, easy going and great values. He donated an organ to a family member. He totally got me with that. However, then he asked me out last minute for this weekend when I had plans with #1 (incidentally he wanted to do the same thing that #1 and I were doing.) So I asked for next weekend. Then he starts asking if I really want to go and if I don't, he understands. He started getting a little negative and needy. He then proceeds to ask what I like and dislike about him. Whoa. What in the hell happened to dating for fun and getting to know someone? So I am going to see what happens with #3 next week. I will still see what happens with #2, but he's leading with the foot that he's afraid I'll reject him right out of the gate and needing constant approval. Dating is exhausting.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Well dating that many people at once it must be...i mean how to you even concentrate all of your thoughts and emotions into one person when you have another person already on the line to consider. I guess women like to get through it quickly I suppose, they're just looking for that magic to pull them away from the madness of dating...just weird to me depending on someone to do that for you.
chryssy83 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 This is so much like my dating experiences! My girlfriends are always like....you're too picky, all these guys like you right away, you never give anyone a chance. But honestly, guys getting all needy and clingy like this from date one seems to be the norm. I guess it's better than straight up rejection, but frustrating nonetheless. I found one recently who seems pretty good. I always remind myself that relationships end all the time so surely there are some out there who won't act so strangely eager. Blech. No advice, but I empathize.
chryssy83 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Well dating that many people at once it must be...i mean how to you even concentrate all of your thoughts and emotions into one person when you have another person already on the line to consider. I guess women like to get through it quickly I suppose, they're just looking for that magic to pull them away from the madness of dating...just weird to me depending on someone to do that for you. Why would we want to concentrate all our thoughts into someone we just met? That's such a huge investment....
Author daphne Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Well dating that many people at once it must be...i mean how to you even concentrate all of your thoughts and emotions into one person when you have another person already on the line to consider. I guess women like to get through it quickly I suppose, they're just looking for that magic to pull them away from the madness of dating...just weird to me depending on someone to do that for you. Well, I made the mistake of only dating one guy last time and it ended because he has issues and got scared. I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket in the beginning. I want to maintain a little distance til I get to know someone. Also, the vast majority of the time you meet people early on you don't want to pursue a relationship. I've gotten a lot better, through multi dating experience, at weeding out those I'm incompatible with. I do just want one, but I want to put the odds in my favor.
Author daphne Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 This is so much like my dating experiences! My girlfriends are always like....you're too picky, all these guys like you right away, you never give anyone a chance. But honestly, guys getting all needy and clingy like this from date one seems to be the norm. I guess it's better than straight up rejection, but frustrating nonetheless. I found one recently who seems pretty good. I always remind myself that relationships end all the time so surely there are some out there who won't act so strangely eager. Blech. No advice, but I empathize. Is it really the norm? Holy crap then I'm in trouble. I don't mind a little needy but I don't like clingy. The last 2 guys I dated were both a bit needy. But they weren't this needy. I have a limit where someone tells me I have to go fast to suit his needs. No thanks man. I get to decide what kind of relationship I want too.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Why would we want to concentrate all our thoughts into someone we just met? That's such a huge investment.... Aren't you using any discretion or common sense with who you date? Don't you have an idea of what you are into and what kind of guy that is where you don't have to waste all this time dating people that "never work out"? By the time I go out on a date with someone, I've talked to them and found out about what kind of person they are and If I'm interested in them whether talking with them over the phone or email or what not, why waste my time going on dates with all these random people I don't even take time in getting to know? waste of time for me. How are you capable of going into dates so blindly that you find out the simple incompatibilities that could have been figured out way before then? I'm a very picky person so I know what I like and I don't so it's no mystery for me, it's better than going out with people I know I don't really like or interested in just so I complain about them not meeting my standards or expectations...by the time I'm going on a date I'm pretty confident in how I feel or think about this person to an extent but then again I don't like going on random dates. I'm not saying to know everything about this person but damn don't people have genuine conversations with each other and talk about more superficial crap before hand at least some of the time?
phineas Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Aren't you using any discretion or common sense with who you date? Don't you have an idea of what you are into and what kind of guy that is where you don't have to waste all this time dating people that "never work out"? By the time I go out on a date with someone, I've talked to them and found out about what kind of person they are and If I'm interested in them whether talking with them over the phone or email or what not, why waste my time going on dates with all these random people I don't even take time in getting to know? waste of time for me. How are you capable of going into dates so blindly that you find out the simple incompatibilities that could have been figured out way before then? I'm a very picky person so I know what I like and I don't so it's no mystery for me, it's better than going out with people I know I don't really like or interested in just so I complain about them not meeting my standards or expectations...by the time I'm going on a date I'm pretty confident in how I feel or think about this person to an extent but then again I don't like going on random dates. I'm not saying to know everything about this person but damn don't people have genuine conversations with each other and talk about more superficial crap before hand at least some of the time? We are similar, I really only need one good conversation with someone to decide if I want to actually see them again.
betterdeal Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Has anyone succeeded with multi-dating leading to a long term relationship? Seems more like a hobby that's a hindrance rather than a help to finding your way into a long, meaningful, monogamous relationship.
phineas Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Has anyone succeeded with multi-dating leading to a long term relationship? Seems more like a hobby that's a hindrance rather than a help to finding your way into a long, meaningful, monogamous relationship. Going on 5 dates with 5 different people to see which ONE you like best can lead to a long term relationship. Going on 5 dates with each of those 5 people & still not knowing which one you want or running through half the people on a dating site in one summer & still single? not so much. Serial dater's don't really want a relationship I believe. How can you date so many people & not find one you actually like?
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 OP, IMO, you know the drill so the work is accepting the variables which present themselves with humor and the nod of a knowledgeable head. You've seen this all before. It's part of life in general and, by extension, dating. I will speculate that some men feel the need to push because of historical male competition. This 'feeling', combined with the general male proclivity to process emotion in unexpected ways, causes unexpected (to you) results. I've seen this with male friends, most poignantly when I became divorced and my mother died. Some reactions were quite unexpected and frankly out of character. So, what to do? IMO, see #3 and further potentials as possible enjoyable social interactions and let the road go where it does. If that is into the sunset, that. If only to the next off-ramp, that. It's still the road, and it's pretty finite. Enjoy the journey.
Casablanca Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Going on 5 dates with 5 different people to see which ONE you like best can lead to a long term relationship. Going on 5 dates with each of those 5 people & still not knowing which one you want or running through half the people on a dating site in one summer & still single? not so much. Serial dater's don't really want a relationship I believe. How can you date so many people & not find one you actually like? This...you take 2 or 3 people out on a date or two over a couple weeks and then decide who you want to pursue the most.
FitChick Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 By the time I go out on a date with someone, I've talked to them and found out about what kind of person they are and If I'm interested in them whether talking with them over the phone or email or what not, why waste my time going on dates with all these random people I don't even take time in getting to know? waste of time for me. I am the same way. Other people claim it's a waste of time talking to someone for weeks only to find there is no chemistry or, usually, that they look nothing like their photos. I'd suggest mentioning your particular dating style in your profile so people who are the opposite either won't contact you or won't get so frustrated.
dasein Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 How are the topics on these very early dates getting so heavy? #1 and an argument over speed of the relationship? The guys should be able to steer conversations towards light, flirty fun on dates one and two, and IMO no good ones will go deeper on the first couple of dates. Good for you for screening those out and good luck with #3. As far as the organ donor thing, I think I will start using that myself. I mean the blood is an organ, I have donated blood, some of which could conceivably end up in a relative, so ipso facto, I've donated an organ to a relative. When pressed as to "which organ," my reply would be "one which won't have an effect on anything we do," and then kind of blush and say, "I don't usually bring these things up on early dates, I feel so... comfortable... talking to you for some reason." Yeah, working that "organ donor" thing into an early date is all kinds of fishy. He doesn't happen to work with orphans or animal rescue too does he? LOL.
Author daphne Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Has anyone succeeded with multi-dating leading to a long term relationship? Seems more like a hobby that's a hindrance rather than a help to finding your way into a long, meaningful, monogamous relationship. I don't continue multi dating once I find someone that I think I click with. Unfortunately, there are many that see that as a way to find something bigger and better. Those people are out there yanking everyone else's chains. Going on 5 dates with 5 different people to see which ONE you like best can lead to a long term relationship. Going on 5 dates with each of those 5 people & still not knowing which one you want or running through half the people on a dating site in one summer & still single? not so much. Serial dater's don't really want a relationship I believe. How can you date so many people & not find one you actually like? I have found a couple that I actually liked. Unfortunately, they turned out to ultimately either be incompatible, or still wanted to look around. Personally, I do want a relationship. I do not want one with someone who wants to continue multi dating after a month or two. I consider those people kind of broken. OP, IMO, you know the drill so the work is accepting the variables which present themselves with humor and the nod of a knowledgeable head. You've seen this all before. It's part of life in general and, by extension, dating. I will speculate that some men feel the need to push because of historical male competition. This 'feeling', combined with the general male proclivity to process emotion in unexpected ways, causes unexpected (to you) results. I've seen this with male friends, most poignantly when I became divorced and my mother died. Some reactions were quite unexpected and frankly out of character. So, what to do? IMO, see #3 and further potentials as possible enjoyable social interactions and let the road go where it does. If that is into the sunset, that. If only to the next off-ramp, that. It's still the road, and it's pretty finite. Enjoy the journey. Ah, I think this explains why they all seem so damn gung ho in the beginning. I like to go with the flow, spend lots of time before making a decision. Men can say whatever they think you want to hear early on so I need data to weed out the truth from projection. This...you take 2 or 3 people out on a date or two over a couple weeks and then decide who you want to pursue the most. I think this is probably most effective. Unless none of them are what they seemed in their profiles. I am the same way. Other people claim it's a waste of time talking to someone for weeks only to find there is no chemistry or, usually, that they look nothing like their photos. I'd suggest mentioning your particular dating style in your profile so people who are the opposite either won't contact you or won't get so frustrated. Fortunately, lately the guys do look like their profiles and they're otherwise very good catches. I feel lucky in that way. Unlucky in that they wont' slow the hell down. How are the topics on these very early dates getting so heavy? #1 and an argument over speed of the relationship? The guys should be able to steer conversations towards light, flirty fun on dates one and two, and IMO no good ones will go deeper on the first couple of dates. Good for you for screening those out and good luck with #3. As far as the organ donor thing, I think I will start using that myself. I mean the blood is an organ, I have donated blood, some of which could conceivably end up in a relative, so ipso facto, I've donated an organ to a relative. When pressed as to "which organ," my reply would be "one which won't have an effect on anything we do," and then kind of blush and say, "I don't usually bring these things up on early dates, I feel so... comfortable... talking to you for some reason." Yeah, working that "organ donor" thing into an early date is all kinds of fishy. He doesn't happen to work with orphans or animal rescue too does he? LOL. #1 is a talker. I go with the flow and didn't try to veer it off until it got really uncomfortable. By that time it was too late. Ugh. Oh lord. I just gave you material with the organ donor. Poor girl that hears that one. I will admit, he made me look at him favorably after that.
dasein Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Oh lord. I just gave you material with the organ donor. Don't even get me started on the "Casiotone variant" of the organ donor ploy. Posting to all the PUA sites as we speak. You may have helped get lots of budding "organ donors" laid tonight!
Pizzaman81 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I somehow managed to get 3 really good options after the disappointment of the last guy not working out. I feel pretty lucky, except that I've come to realize that all that glitters is not gold. I went out with #1 contender last night. He has everything going for him. He seems to be a good communicator on top (welcomed, given the last fiasco.) We went out for the second time last night and I had had the most fun I've had in months and feeling pretty good. Then we went for a quiet drink and the wheels came off the machine. #1 and I discussed how we saw a relationship going, and it's clear we have very different goals. I had already told him that I like to go slow, I'm a little old fashioned and I want to know what I'm getting into. It was no surprise. However, he decided to argue and throw in exes that wanted to go slow that really were just emotionally unavailable women and how he didn't want that again. I suggested we simply aren't on the same page. That he's projecting onto me, and I'm not that person. I also mentioned that this was getting entirely too heavy for a 2nd date. So #1 and I aren't a match. There's nothing more unattractive than a neurotic, controlling man who wants to tell you that you have to go at his speed in a relationship. Had a date with #2 the other night. He is salt of the earth. Cute, funny, easy going and great values. He donated an organ to a family member. He totally got me with that. However, then he asked me out last minute for this weekend when I had plans with #1 (incidentally he wanted to do the same thing that #1 and I were doing.) So I asked for next weekend. Then he starts asking if I really want to go and if I don't, he understands. He started getting a little negative and needy. He then proceeds to ask what I like and dislike about him. Whoa. What in the hell happened to dating for fun and getting to know someone? So I am going to see what happens with #3 next week. I will still see what happens with #2, but he's leading with the foot that he's afraid I'll reject him right out of the gate and needing constant approval. Dating is exhausting. Haha, you and I are multi-dating king and queen. I can tell you it's exhausting and I have been debating whether or not I have been doing this right or not. I keep on asking myself, "am I doing this because I haven't found the girl that dazzled me yet, or I'm just doing this to try to get to know more people" It is fun at first but very exhausting. I have been on almost non-stop dates for the past 2 weeks... and I must say at the end of the run... I have dropped 3 girls and kept 3 girls and I am still not sure what I am getting at. I see no result of this run yet.
Casablanca Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Haha, you and I are multi-dating king and queen. I can tell you it's exhausting and I have been debating whether or not I have been doing this right or not. I keep on asking myself, "am I doing this because I haven't found the girl that dazzled me yet, or I'm just doing this to try to get to know more people" It is fun at first but very exhausting. I have been on almost non-stop dates for the past 2 weeks... and I must say at the end of the run... I have dropped 3 girls and kept 3 girls and I am still not sure what I am getting at. I see no result of this run yet. I don't think there is anything wrong with that approach, but you have to realize at some point you're gonna have to drop it down to one woman and take a chance. At least for me, I can't give my full to 2 or 3 different women...if I want to really open up and grow close to someone, I'm going to have to do it with one woman. I have no issue dating a couple women for a couple weeks, but after that I make a decision (assuming I like one enough to want to date exclusively) on who I'm gonna try and pursue That is my guess why you havent seen any results
Author daphne Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 I don't think there is anything wrong with that approach, but you have to realize at some point you're gonna have to drop it down to one woman and take a chance. At least for me, I can't give my full to 2 or 3 different women...if I want to really open up and grow close to someone, I'm going to have to do it with one woman. I have no issue dating a couple women for a couple weeks, but after that I make a decision (assuming I like one enough to want to date exclusively) on who I'm gonna try and pursue That is my guess why you havent seen any results I have to agree with this. Because generally, those that you don't really want to date drop off within the first date or two anyway. If your'e still dating weeks later and just can't make a decision, it's because you dont' know what you want. Ambivalence is not an attractive quality.
chryssy83 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Aren't you using any discretion or common sense with who you date? Don't you have an idea of what you are into and what kind of guy that is where you don't have to waste all this time dating people that "never work out"? By the time I go out on a date with someone, I've talked to them and found out about what kind of person they are and If I'm interested in them whether talking with them over the phone or email or what not, why waste my time going on dates with all these random people I don't even take time in getting to know? waste of time for me. How are you capable of going into dates so blindly that you find out the simple incompatibilities that could have been figured out way before then? I'm a very picky person so I know what I like and I don't so it's no mystery for me, it's better than going out with people I know I don't really like or interested in just so I complain about them not meeting my standards or expectations...by the time I'm going on a date I'm pretty confident in how I feel or think about this person to an extent but then again I don't like going on random dates. I'm not saying to know everything about this person but damn don't people have genuine conversations with each other and talk about more superficial crap before hand at least some of the time? Are you meeting your dates online or something? I don't communicate much with a guy before we go out on a date or two...I know people who seem very compatible over the phone or online but are totally not in person. I don't waste a lot of time getting to know someone before a date just to build it up for both of us to be disappointed when I'm not interested. Also, I think it's creepy when a guy meets me briefly in person then just wants to take the interaction online or to texting (most guys don't seem to like talking on the phone). I think a guy isn't ballsy enough for me if he doesn't ask me out on a real date. I'm not looking for a pen pal, here....
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Are you meeting your dates online or something? I don't communicate much with a guy before we go out on a date or two...I know people who seem very compatible over the phone or online but are totally not in person. I don't waste a lot of time getting to know someone before a date just to build it up for both of us to be disappointed when I'm not interested. Also, I think it's creepy when a guy meets me briefly in person then just wants to take the interaction online or to texting (most guys don't seem to like talking on the phone). I think a guy isn't ballsy enough for me if he doesn't ask me out on a real date. I'm not looking for a pen pal, here.... Are you meeting your dates at the bar? or on the freeway? Hell nevermind If I'm at a bar we know what everyone is there for. But still you're looking at it the wrong way, what's the bigger waste of time? wasting your breathe over the phone or wasting your time and energy driving out somewhere to see in front of some guy that turns out to be a douchebag with not the smoothest moves you've ever seen? Lets be realistic, some people know how to find the right people and others do not. You just need to invest more time in finding quality people you are interested in because I don't have your problem. If I'm looking for a relationship I know what type of person that is and what qualities they need to have for me to be interested in, and I can almost tell by looking at them how many of those things they have. And by talking to them briefly I can read between the lines and get a feel for who they are and what kind of person they are. I don't just randomly ask out any girl I'm semi-attracted to or haven't had more than a two second conversation with If they'd like to go out on a date unless again, I know I'm interested in them. But then again your right the penis does have a lot to do with that sometimes!
SunsetRed Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Daphne, I think you're intuition is right about the #1 and # 2 guys. Always follow your gut feeling, it will never let you down. Both guys were offering you needy and presumptious conversations for the little amt of time you actually dated. Any type of "where do you see this going" conversation is way too soon on a 1-3 date. Dates 1-3 should be about fun. Both parties should be care free and confident and be asking needy questions like "don't you like me?" or "you're not gonna reject me, are you?" type questions. Also, I dont see how anyone over the age of 25 can multi-date. It's too frusterating and time consuming. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have. Its hard enough for me to make time for one guy, let alone 3. I have heard of the advantageous of multidating and I wish it worked for me, but it doesnt. Advantages are: 1. you dont end up w all your eggs in one basket 2. you seem less needy to whichever person you're seeing because you're seeing other persons as well. For me the disadvantages are trying to juggle all the phone calls and texts. I work full time and am not allowed to use my phone at work, although I sneak in the occasional text. Trying to juggle the dates themselves because after I work, I have a house and garden to attend to and I have a few other things to do besides date. I might have 2 or 3 free nights a week and if I divide those nights up btwn 3 guys, its exhausting. Well, good luck to you Daphne. It seems like you are a together, intelligent woman who is simply trying to make the best of it in this screwed up world. You are right to drop anyone who gets too intense or needy. Men would certainly drop a female like a hot potato if she got too intense or needy.
Author daphne Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Advantages are: 1. you dont end up w all your eggs in one basket 2. you seem less needy to whichever person you're seeing because you're seeing other persons as well. For me the disadvantages are trying to juggle all the phone calls and texts. I work full time and am not allowed to use my phone at work, although I sneak in the occasional text. Trying to juggle the dates themselves because after I work, I have a house and garden to attend to and I have a few other things to do besides date. I might have 2 or 3 free nights a week and if I divide those nights up btwn 3 guys, its exhausting. Well, good luck to you Daphne. It seems like you are a together, intelligent woman who is simply trying to make the best of it in this screwed up world. You are right to drop anyone who gets too intense or needy. Men would certainly drop a female like a hot potato if she got too intense or needy. That's why I do the multi dating. It keeps you from getting ahead of things. I guess it's flattering that the two guys who are acting like this have both told me it's rare to meet someone like me, that actually looks like my profile and am what they expected from my profile. And yes, men would do the same. Fortunately, this week I don't have 3 dates lined up since #1's gone. And #3 is out of town so I'll only be seeing one guy. It'll be nice to have some time to myself.
chryssy83 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Are you meeting your dates at the bar? or on the freeway? Hell nevermind If I'm at a bar we know what everyone is there for. But still you're looking at it the wrong way, what's the bigger waste of time? wasting your breathe over the phone or wasting your time and energy driving out somewhere to see in front of some guy that turns out to be a douchebag with not the smoothest moves you've ever seen? Lets be realistic, some people know how to find the right people and others do not. You just need to invest more time in finding quality people you are interested in because I don't have your problem. Ninja in Jammies-- Yes, I meet guys on the freeway.... No, I usually meet guys when I'm hanging out with a group of friends and he knows one of them or has a friend in common with one of them, or at business networking events and stuff. (Met one guy in a bar EVER, and he was pretty great, actually. Probably should have kept dating him...) I don't consider meeting up for conversation with new people a waste of time and energy. I have made a lot of friends and business contacts that way. And generally guys act like they aren't clingy and needy at first...they hide it pretty well. And if you don't have the problem of dating someone for a period of time and then discovering that they aren't the right person....why are you here instead of hanging out with your wife? Daphne--- The problems you are describing probably come about because you are attractive and desirable. Which is why a lot of people won't identify, because 1) they aren't able to line up several dates a week, and 2) even if they did, most of the guys wouldn't try to act so fast to close the deal. If you are looking for a relationship, and you look for guys who are looking for the same thing--the more desirable you are, the more of this sort of thing you have to deal with. I, too, stop multi-dating when I find one who interests me. It's just that I don't want to clear my schedule for someone I don't know well enough to know that he deserves it. Best of luck to you!
Author daphne Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Daphne--- The problems you are describing probably come about because you are attractive and desirable. Which is why a lot of people won't identify, because 1) they aren't able to line up several dates a week, and 2) even if they did, most of the guys wouldn't try to act so fast to close the deal. If you are looking for a relationship, and you look for guys who are looking for the same thing--the more desirable you are, the more of this sort of thing you have to deal with. I, too, stop multi-dating when I find one who interests me. It's just that I don't want to clear my schedule for someone I don't know well enough to know that he deserves it. Best of luck to you! I guess it's a good problem to have. Except it's a buzz kill when they can't hold back a little early on. If I have to hold their hand on the first or second date, I dont' know what I'm up against later. Although, #1 guy had mentioned he'd dated over 60 women so it's not like he was without options. He really was a catch. But not enough of one to force me into his way of how a relationship should develop. No one is.
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