malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I am curious if anyone has advice on experience differences with partners. For example, if you’ve only been with one or a few people and are going to become intimate with someone who has been with a lot more people— would you have any issues with that? Would you inform the person who is more experienced that you’re nervous or haven’t been with a lot of people (or just go for it)? More specifically, men would you prefer a girl to say something to you—if she’s only been with a one or two guys before and is nervous? Is that a turn on that you have a girl who values sex and will wait? (Note: this is if the girl is young—I can understand if she’s older and hasn’t been with more than a few guys that might be more of a turn off.) Women—what have you done in that situation? Older men who have been with younger/less experienced women—what do you prefer? Do you want to know their history/will you ask/should they share? Does it matter? Do you have a preference in the number of partners they’ve had?
silvermercy Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Apparently, the advice you will get here is that "past is the past" (unless of course you have the misfortune of having less than 2 or so partners - even at a young age. Then you are automatically branded repressed, prude, social misfit, inept and other related unfortunate adjectives regardless if it's true or not). In other words, past is the past as long as you have been whoring around for ages. Well, at least that's the advice I got here.
Author malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Apparently, the advice you will get here is that "past is the past" (unless of course you have the misfortune of having less than 2 or so partners - even at a young age. Then you are automatically branded repressed, prude, social misfit, inept and other related unfortunate adjectives regardless if it's true or not). In other words, past is the past as long as you have been whoring around for ages. Well, at least that's the advice I got here. Hmm. That is slightly frightening. I am in my early 20s and have been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years. I have only been with one guy therefore. This new guy I am interested in is quite a bit older than me. I guess I just don't know how to approach it before it gets to that point. I sort of want to let him know to put the situation at ease (and heck he may like that fact). I know it's more of a negative for guys to have few partners than women at least.
silvermercy Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Hmm. That is slightly frightening. I am in my early 20s and have been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years. I have only been with one guy therefore. This new guy I am interested in is quite a bit older than me. I guess I just don't know how to approach it before it gets to that point. I sort of want to let him know to put the situation at ease (and heck he may like that fact). I know it's more of a negative for guys to have few partners than women at least. Yup. Same category as you and I'm older which makes it even worse. But really, think of it this way: if he is turned off by you having *only* one partner before (it sounds ridiculous just mentioning this), then that man is not for you! Simples. If he likes it - or is neutral - then you're a very lucky girl! Just try to tell him and you will judge by his reaction.
Author malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Yup. Same category as you and I'm older which makes it even worse. But really, think of it this way: if he is turned off by you having *only* one partner before (it sounds ridiculous just mentioning this), then that man is not for you! Simples. If he likes it - or is neutral - then you're a very lucky girl! Just try to tell him and you will judge by his reaction. Should I even tell him though? I asked about his past but he didn't really inquire about mine during that time-- so I did't go into it (he's a gentleman in what he says/asks). If I do eventually tell him, would it be better to wait until after we've had sex? I imagine we will have great passionate/chemistry and it will be great-- so at that point perhaps he wont care at all-- but if I say it before it might put a lot more pressure on the situation.
jobaba Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I can only speak for myself, but I don't care how much experience a woman has. Every woman I've dated has had more experience than me. When prodded, I'll reveal the details. I lost my virginity late, and sometimes they're surprised by it, but they've always let it go. OK, now for the crude part... In my mind, more experience can be offputting to a guy. Every guy wants to have sex without a condom as early as possible and any guy that knows you've been with a lot of men might be worried about STD. He won't ask you to get tested because that's rude. Guys do like a girl who are proficient at using their mouth, but that's the only thing I can think of where more experience for a woman comes into play. Then again, I haven't had a whole lot of women.
Author malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 I can only speak for myself, but I don't care how much experience a woman has. Every woman I've dated has had more experience than me. When prodded, I'll reveal the details. I lost my virginity late, and sometimes they're surprised by it, but they've always let it go. OK, now for the crude part... In my mind, more experience can be offputting to a guy. Every guy wants to have sex without a condom as early as possible and any guy that knows you've been with a lot of men might be worried about STD. He won't ask you to get tested because that's rude. Guys do like a girl who are proficient at using their mouth, but that's the only thing I can think of where more experience for a woman comes into play. Then again, I haven't had a whole lot of women. Well-- I have only been with one man-- but we've done a lot of different things and I think I can definitely please a new man. I suppose I'm just a bit worried because I haven't experienced a different body and therefore I'm nervous. I also realize that confidence/passion make the experience-- and I'm a bit worried I will be too stuck in my head worrying. Hmm.
silvermercy Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Should I even tell him though? I asked about his past but he didn't really inquire about mine during that time-- so I did't go into it (he's a gentleman in what he says/asks). If I do eventually tell him, would it be better to wait until after we've had sex? I imagine we will have great passionate/chemistry and it will be great-- so at that point perhaps he wont care at all-- but if I say it before it might put a lot more pressure on the situation. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. If you're still curious though, maybe you can "by chance" encounter a magazine article on sexual experience and nonchalantly ask for his general thoughts. LOL (I personally would like to know if he's the judging type before I slept with him. But that's just me). I can't see how that would put pressure on the situation. He would find out eventually if you're compatible in bed or not. But you only can be the judge of that. If he's the gentleman you say he is, he would actually try to minimize your stress and reassure you.
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I've been only interested in relationship/marital history and whatever sexual history women have provided me has been completely voluntary on their part. All of my past partners, including my exW, had, according to them, far more partners than I did, so I'm assuming they were being honest. Since I only have sex within LTR's or M, my relationship history matched up with my sexual history and I guess what I shared was satisfactory. OP, perhaps you could view this dynamic from a different perspective, that of 'getting to know' progressing to 'intimacy' progressing to 'lovemaking'. It's a process. Learn about what your man likes during the intimacy building process and have fun in the bedroom trying things out. There are no trophies by the bedroom door for winners in there. Only humans connecting in the most elemental way they can. Enjoy it.
Author malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. If you're still curious though, maybe you can "by chance" encounter a magazine article on sexual experience and nonchalantly ask for his general thoughts. LOL (I personally would like to know if he's the judging type before I slept with him. But that's just me). I can't see how that would put pressure on the situation. He would find out eventually if you're compatible in bed or not. But you only can be the judge of that. If he's the gentleman you say he is, he would actually try to minimize your stress and reassure you. I am coy so I do have an idea of how he may feel. I did ask him once ideally if he met a girl he's interested in what number of men would you prefer she have been with. I know that's a weird question and most people probably don't have a specific answer but more of a range. He said he'd be equally concerned with a girl being with 100 or a girl being with 1. That answer scared me a bit of course. I do think we he answered that though-- he had no idea I have been with only 1 guy. I am quite flirty and I don't think I give him the vibe that I've only been with 1 guy-- but who knows. So.. I guess that worries me.. uggggh
Author malibustacydoll Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 I've been only interested in relationship/marital history and whatever sexual history women have provided me has been completely voluntary on their part. All of my past partners, including my exW, had, according to them, far more partners than I did, so I'm assuming they were being honest. Since I only have sex within LTR's or M, my relationship history matched up with my sexual history and I guess what I shared was satisfactory. OP, perhaps you could view this dynamic from a different perspective, that of 'getting to know' progressing to 'intimacy' progressing to 'lovemaking'. It's a process. Learn about what your man likes during the intimacy building process and have fun in the bedroom trying things out. There are no trophies by the bedroom door for winners in there. Only humans connecting in the most elemental way they can. Enjoy it. I know I will enjoy it-- I'm just nervous I suppose. I am assuming bringing it up wont help. Him and I are both relationship type people. He has slept around outside of relationships-- but obviously I haven't. I suppose I just worry that it'd go terribly awkward the first time and then he'd back off. (I know if he really like me he wouldn't do that.) I think the age thing also worries me. Also-- I know he's big on pleasing-- and I kind of want to inform him that I don't typically have orgasms during sex. Is that worth mentioning-- or just let him try? ;-)
silvermercy Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I am coy so I do have an idea of how he may feel. I did ask him once ideally if he met a girl he's interested in what number of men would you prefer she have been with. I know that's a weird question and most people probably don't have a specific answer but more of a range. He said he'd be equally concerned with a girl being with 100 or a girl being with 1. That answer scared me a bit of course. I do think we he answered that though-- he had no idea I have been with only 1 guy. I am quite flirty and I don't think I give him the vibe that I've only been with 1 guy-- but who knows. So.. I guess that worries me.. uggggh Well, you can have another attempt by reminding him that old conversation and say something along the lines "well, how would you react if I told you I've only had one partner?" I'm pretty sure he'd go "yeah right! Are u kidding? Really"? LOL But seriously if he's the one for you then you should not be nervous after that. He'd be happy to teach you (and by that I mean in a relationship. Not a fling. That wouldn't be too gentlemanly of him now would it? ).
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Regarding the orgasm thing, talk about it if you like, but also 'show'. This is the wrong forum for this response but, if you orgasm primarily through masturbation, choose an intercourse position which allows that and share it with him. If you cannot orgasm at all with another person present but can solo, I'd suggest seeking therapy for that. If you want to pursue that discussion further, start a thread in the sexual practices forum on it. Any man with sexual and relationship experience knows how it goes and generally has the ability to facilitate his lover's confidence and comfort during the process. Most men are eager to. Some, meh. Time will tell. The only way to know is to go.
dasein Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Agree with carhill as far as the marital history, and as far as sexual, as long as she isn't compulsively promiscuous, I don't care how experienced or inexperienced a particular woman is. Nor will I bring it up, it's always the woman who brings it up IME.
oldguy Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 It seems like it is important for you that he knows, so talk to him.
Casablanca Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 All I tell and all I want to know is, 1) have you had sex before and 2) has the guy always used protection unless in a monogamous relationship? Thats all anyone needs to know, when numbers start getting thrown out, that is when jealousy starts and the feeling of inadequacy
veggirl Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I don't tell my # or experience history. It's irrelevant IMO. I know many guys on here think if you've been with above X # of people, you are a slut and they need to know so they can avoid you. Obviously I disagree. I've never asked my bf his #, he's never asked me, we've both said we aren't interested in knowing. If he insisted on knowing, I would think that was weird and it would definitely give me pause. I'm late 20s, obviously not a virgin, am clean...that's all anyone needs to know. I have nooo desire to know details of his past sexual experiences, lol.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Well-- I have only been with one man-- but we've done a lot of different things and I think I can definitely please a new man. I suppose I'm just a bit worried because I haven't experienced a different body and therefore I'm nervous. I also realize that confidence/passion make the experience-- and I'm a bit worried I will be too stuck in my head worrying. Hmm. As society evolves, the prevailing trend is toward "less history, more mystery" where it concerns past sexual partners and related disclosures. It is a fair consideration that you don't have the perspective you wish you did, but, no matter what that means to your actual shared experiences with the new guy, it WILL fall within the vast range of 'normalcy'. You would do so very well to work on your own sense of (what is really the vast window of 'normalcy' out there) and reason that 'more-experienced' guys date 'less-experienced' young women all the time. Indeed he will be a new experience in so many ways, but DO NOT let yourself get hung-up on some mythical, minimum amount of 'sexual experience' you think HE'LL think you need to have, in order to be somehow 'qualified'. There are likely to be many endearing and deeply enjoyable traits about your relative inexperience that will turn him on a great deal. And no, a lot of them will never even be revealed to you, or even realized by him. They'll just exist in the heat of the moment. The worst thing you can do is to psych yourself out about this. Just look at the girl in the mirror as you're getting out of your shower one day soon, and remind yourself how lucky he'll be...
Recommended Posts