Cancelling dates over anxiety and depression

[colliejoanie]

I think you're right, Soulm8, in the advice you're giving Ross. I'm lucky to be in sales.....so honestly once I'm on a date, whether I'm into the guy or not, it's not uncomfortable for me. I am a little on the extrovert side of things though and have scared off a few introverts. And that's fine because I don't want to be the one doing all the talking in the relationship .

 

My anxiety comes before the dates. I think probably the same as you. I'm just tired of them not working out.

 

I think that you realizing your red flags and doing something about them before you meet is VERY important.

[soulm8]

I'm lucky to be in sales.....so honestly once I'm on a date, whether I'm into the guy or not, it's not uncomfortable for me. I am a little on the extrovert side of things though and have scared off a few introverts. And that's fine because I don't want to be the one doing all the talking in the relationship .

 

My anxiety comes before the dates. I think probably the same as you. I'm just tired of them not working out.

 

I think that you realizing your red flags and doing something about them before you meet is VERY important.

 

Yes! She gets me!!

[Lonely Ronin]

My anxiety comes before the dates. I think probably the same as you. I'm just tired of them not working out.

 

I'm the same way, I had one date last year that had me so worked up I thought I was going to be physically ill. Our mind is our own worst enemy, it makes us see stuff that might not really be there. Even when you know your mind is messing with you, it can be really hard to stop the gears from turning. I got a women's number Friday night, and Saturday morning the gears started turning. I know nothing about her, what am I going to say when I call, how long should I wait to call, am I to old for her, what are we going to task about on the date etc etc. The best antidote I have found, is a good slap alongside the head (figuratively speaking) from a close friend. I have mine scheduled for later this evening.

 

I understand what you're saying FitChick, but I think you're misunderstanding me. I know I'm good enough and very lovable, etc. The man I end up with will be a lucky SOB. I'm cute, sociable, career driven, healthy, very sexual and passionate, and very faithful... I just expect the same or very similar. The first sign that he doesn't live up to what I'm looking for in a man and I can't ignore it like I used to. It's like an alarm goes off and the only way to shut it off is to cancel the date and hope like hell he doesn't try to change my mind.

 

What signs are you normally not seeing first? Us men have been socially trained to not show some of these traits very early, because of stereotypes associated with them.

 

1. career driven -I'll always be #2 in his life

2. healthy - self-absorbed gym rat

3. very sexual - only wants sex

4. passionate - to sensitive

Edited January 8, 2012 by Lonely Ronin

[soulm8]

What signs are you normally not seeing first? Us men have been socially trained to not show some of these traits very early, because of stereotypes associated with them.

 

1. career driven -I'll always be #2 in his life

2. healthy - self-absorbed gym rat

3. very sexual - only wants sex

4. passionate - to sensitive

 

Interesting. That list looks like this TO ME:

 

1. career driven - I don't expect to be financially taken care of; gainfully employed and independant

2. healthy - emotionally, mentally and spiritually balanced. As long as someone is proportionate to their height, and appears healthy, I don't really zone in on body type or weight. Gym rats don't attract me. Intellectuals attract me.

3. very sexual - I'm not a prude. I enjoy sex and want a sexual, monogomous relationship.

4. passionate - I carefully choose who I'm passionate with because I am sensitive and I give my partner my all.

 

My dealbreakers are:

 

1. drama - ex, custody, over-the-top neediness/clinginess; how often do they need to check in on me? Do I feel like they're checking UP on me or genuinely reaching out to me?

2. alcohol/drug abuse - I'm a social drinker who doesn't drink to get drunk. I enjoy pot occasionally, but never seek it out or need it.

3. inappropriate contact/boundaries - pushing for sex too soon, giving me a vibe that I am in competition with other females for his attention.

4. too religiously rigid - I'm more spiritual than religious

5. lifestyle/goal incompatibility - I'd like to meet my partner in life... become friends and fall in love.

Edited January 8, 2012 by soulm8

[Imajerk17]

Well, I think this must have been a case of my gut trying to keep me from making a mistake. We got along very well online and on the phone, but the more we spoke and the more time that passed, I started noticing flags that resemble my dealbreakers... I should actually be happy that I'm now recognizing my dealbreakers easier before even meeting. I'd just really like to recognize them without the anxiety part going forward .

 

I say, as long as they are reasonable and constructive dealbreakers. Things related to character. I mean, no one is perfect, and a lot of "first conversations" on the phone are a little awkward.

 

EDIT: I saw your latest post after I wrote mine. That seems to be a very reasonable and constructive list!

[Ross MwcFan]

Ah, yes. You're only responsible for half of the "quiet" Do yourself a favor... make a list of questions that you'd generally like to ask a new date to get to know her better. Include some general questions about her values and goals, and life experiences. Women LOVE to be asked questions!

 

Having a list of questions in your mind will help you out of the quiet moments, but also further the conversation with useful information. Current events are great for this as well - comment on something that's going on and see if she's even aware, interested or ignorant.

 

Yeah but that's the thing, whenever it goes quiet it's always the other person who has to do the rescuing, as like I said, 99% of the time when this happens I can never think of anything to say.

 

But that's a good idea, to think up a list of questions beforehand.

 

Try to think of it as a game of ping pong. You rescue the two of you from any quiet gaps... and then it (should be) her turn. If you rely on your date to carry all of the conversation, she'll either feel like you aren't interested in her or that you're not a good match.

 

Practice talking to strangers where ever you go. At the gas station or getting groceries... make small talk any chance you get with whoever happens to be standing there with you. Smiling and just commenting on stuff like the weather or current events is considered friendly for the most part. Think of it as your mission to break the silence!

 

Ah, I wish I could do that, but I think that's probably too big a step for me to take right now, lol.

[Ross MwcFan]

I think you're right, Soulm8, in the advice you're giving Ross. I'm lucky to be in sales.....so honestly once I'm on a date, whether I'm into the guy or not, it's not uncomfortable for me. I am a little on the extrovert side of things though and have scared off a few introverts. And that's fine because I don't want to be the one doing all the talking in the relationship .

 

My anxiety comes before the dates. I think probably the same as you. I'm just tired of them not working out.

 

I think that you realizing your red flags and doing something about them before you meet is VERY important.

 

Maybe instead of thinking of dates as being something that has the potential for a future relationship, you should think of them as just being an opportunity to have a fun time. That way maybe you wouldn't feel as anxious about them and you'd enjoy them instead.

[soulm8]

I saw your latest post after I wrote mine. That seems to be a very reasonable and constructive list!

 

Maybe I should come up with a way to incorporate that list into my OLD profile to filter more?

 

As it currently is, it's been intentionally vague:

 

About Me

I've decided to take a break from this and focus on my life.

 

------

 

I aspire to live my life to the fullest so that I always have memories to make me smile, children who admire me, friends who know they can count on me, and loved ones who will never forget me. Home is where my heart is.

 

Life is about the journey, not the destination... and it's more about the company than the activity for me.

 

My son and daughter are with me every other week. I'm not looking for a daddy for my kids - I'm looking for ME; I believe life is meant to be shared with someone you love and trust. More specifically, I'd like to spend time with someone I can respect, look up to, laugh and have fun with, trust, communicate with, share hopes and dreams with.

[Imajerk17]

Maybe I should come up with a way to incorporate that list into my OLD profile to filter more?

 

As it currently is, it's been intentionally vague:

 

Absolutely.

 

But if someone triggers your deal-breakers on the phone, then let the person know that you don't feel that they are a match for you, instead of scheduling and then backing out.

[Lonely Ronin]

Interesting. That list looks like this TO ME:

 

1. career driven - I don't expect to be financially taken care of; gainfully employed and independant

2. healthy - emotionally, mentally and spiritually balanced. As long as someone is proportionate to their height, and appears healthy, I don't really zone in on body type or weight. Gym rats don't attract me. Intellectuals attract me.

3. very sexual - I'm not a prude. I enjoy sex and want a sexual, monogomous relationship.

4. passionate - I carefully choose who I'm passionate with because I am sensitive and I give my partner my all.

 

some points to consider based on my past experiences.

 

1. I do want to be able to do stuff for you, and not have you get weirded out by it. If by the 3rd or 4th date, you still get all huffy about me paying it's a big red flag.

2. Be careful how you determine who a gym rat is, some of us look it even though we aren't.

3. As long as you don't come of as promiscuous, your good to go in my book (prety much all guys for the matter).

4. How you display your passion speaks volumes

 

 

 

 

 

My dealbreakers are:

 

1. drama - ex, custody, over-the-top neediness/clinginess; how often do they need to check in on me? Do I feel like they're checking UP on me or genuinely reaching out to me?

2. alcohol/drug abuse - I'm a social drinker who doesn't drink to get drunk. I enjoy pot occasionally, but never seek it out or need it.

3. inappropriate contact/boundaries - pushing for sex too soon, giving me a vibe that I am in competition with other females for his attention.

4. too religiously rigid - I'm more spiritual than religious

5. lifestyle/goal incompatibility - I'd like to meet my partner in life... become friends and fall in love.

 

1. I'd like to hear more about this, because I can tell you one women's needy is another woman's uninterested.

2. Very normal

3. Very acceptable I think, but a subject matter that is very prone to misinterpretation. A good example: in college I dated a girl, and after really kissing her for the first time on like the 5th date, she immediately said "we need to be careful". I remember driving home thinking what just happened.

4. Again, very normal today, and I think in general men are more flexible when it comes to religion than women.

5. You're not a casual dater and that's a good thing in most guys books.

[soulm8]

Maybe instead of thinking of dates as being something that has the potential for a future relationship, you should think of them as just being an opportunity to have a fun time. That way maybe you wouldn't feel as anxious about them and you'd enjoy them instead.

 

Hmmm. I can say that for me... I've somewhat lost that ability to just enjoy a date for what it is because I'm so conscious of the fact (mostly thanks to reading LS posts) that some men are guaging our interest NOT by how much fun we have on a date BUT how soon we get naked.

[Imajerk17]

Hmmm. I can say that for me... I've somewhat lost that ability to just enjoy a date for what it is because I'm so conscious of the fact (mostly thanks to reading LS posts) that some men are guaging our interest NOT by how much fun we have on a date BUT how soon we get naked.

 

I judge interest by her willingness and enthusiasm of seeing me again. Seriously.

[dasein]

Hmmm. I can say that for me... I've somewhat lost that ability to just enjoy a date for what it is because I'm so conscious of the fact (mostly thanks to reading LS posts) that some men are guaging our interest NOT by how much fun we have on a date BUT how soon we get naked.

 

Most of us started out fueled by well-meaning but inaccurate platitudes. We dated and did what we thought we were supposed to do. If we have become cynical over time in dating, it has been due to much experience, some harsh, with respect to the nature of modern female social, dating and reproductive behavior. We didn't just decide to make it up one day. We experienced, our friends experienced, and we learned from that experience.

 

There are always exceptions, but men have learned for the most part that women express interest in men sexually, and if they aren't being expressive in that way relatively soon after courtship begins, then they are either a) fundamentally religious in some way or behavior restrictive due to personal ethics, or b) simply not interested in us as prospective mates.

[Imajerk17]

Here's the thing though. I have had first dates where we got physical that didn't lead to very much. [One first date I had least year, we were making out and holding hands, and then...only radio silence from her end. No second date.] And I have had a relationship where sex didn't occur until a month in.

 

So getting sexual fast isn't all what it is about.

[dasein]

So getting sexual fast isn't all what it is about.

 

Agreed with the "all" part, but for my money it's still the best indicator of interest. I have experienced far more nonsexual early dating periods that resulted in an abrupt end due to her lack of interest than early dating periods with sexual content that terminated due to the same reason. In fact, I've never experienced a woman who wanted to get physical with me who was not open to the prospect of dating me or having a relationship with me. Same of all my friends.

 

The fact that men dating must face is that today, many women they are dating are having sex with other men, exes, fwbs, NSA, while engaged in early dating, and that in general, if a man cannot secure sexual interest in the woman fairly quickly, whether actual sex is the result or not, she simply isn't that interested.

[colliejoanie]

Agreed with the "all" part, but for my money it's still the best indicator of interest. I have experienced far more nonsexual early dating periods that resulted in an abrupt end due to her lack of interest than early dating periods with sexual content that terminated due to the same reason. In fact, I've never experienced a woman who wanted to get physical with me who was not open to the prospect of dating me or having a relationship with me. Same of all my friends.

 

The fact that men dating must face is that today, many women they are dating are having sex with other men, exes, fwbs, NSA, while engaged in early dating, and that in general, if a man cannot secure sexual interest in the woman fairly quickly, whether actual sex is the result or not, she simply isn't that interested.

 

I would never have sex on a first date......but I know on the first date if I ever will with that person.

[soulm8]

But if someone triggers your deal-breakers on the phone, then let the person know that you don't feel that they are a match for you, instead of scheduling and then backing out.

Oh, for sure! I don't schedule and then back out if a dealbreaker was already known... I'm talking about a dealbreaker coming to light after a date has been scheduled... and having to cancel.

 

some points to consider based on my past experiences.

 

1. I do want to be able to do stuff for you, and not have you get weirded out by it. If by the 3rd or 4th date, you still get all huffy about me paying it's a big red flag.

2. Be careful how you determine who a gym rat is, some of us look it even though we aren't.

3. As long as you don't come of as promiscuous, your good to go in my book (prety much all guys for the matter).

4. How you display your passion speaks volumes

 

1. I'd like to hear more about this, because I can tell you one women's needy is another woman's uninterested.

2. Very normal

3. Very acceptable I think, but a subject matter that is very prone to misinterpretation. A good example: in college I dated a girl, and after really kissing her for the first time on like the 5th date, she immediately said "we need to be careful". I remember driving home thinking what just happened.

4. Again, very normal today, and I think in general men are more flexible when it comes to religion than women.

5. You're not a casual dater and that's a good thing in most guys books.

 

1. I appreciate chivalry and don't get "huffy" if my date wants to pay. I am just very conscious of the fact that lots of ladies are gold diggers.

2. If a man talks about working out or going to the gym more than a few times a week, I generally shy away because I do not put that much emphasis on physique.

3. See, that's a completely different tune than your first response. "Very sexual" struck you initially as only interested in sex... which is NOT AT ALL the case.

 

1. Needy vs uninterested: Fair enough - I can only speak for myself, but if I'm intrigued by a man, I will give him my number as a "test" to see his neediness/interest level. My preference is a balanced, reciprocal exchange within reasonably normal time spans. I'm not one for texting a lot or chatting on the phone. It's meant to be a tool for convenience, not a lifeline or time filler.

 

I judge interest by her willingness and enthusiasm of seeing me again. Seriously.

And how do you gauge her willingness and enthusiasm? Do you expect her to contact you?

 

The fact that men dating must face is that today, many women they are dating are having sex with other men, exes, fwbs, NSA, while engaged in early dating, and that in general, if a man cannot secure sexual interest in the woman fairly quickly, whether actual sex is the result or not, she simply isn't that interested.

You can just as easily reverse the genders in your statement. The fact is, men and women need to assess their interest carefully before emotionally committing themselves to one person. Men look for sex. Women look for love. The happiest relationships tend to blossom when there's been a meeting of the minds and both are getting their needs met.

 

There are too many people of both genders who don't know what they're looking for... will waste your time and money, and use your body.

[Lonely Ronin]

3. See, that's a completely different tune than your first response. "Very sexual" struck you initially as only interested in sex... which is NOT AT ALL the case.

 

In my first post I was referring to how men are perceived based on stereotypes. If a guy shows a woman that he is very sexual to soon he usually gets written off as only wanting sex.Thus I was trying to say don't write a guy off because he doesn't seem very sexual right away.

 

 

With regards to a woman's sexuality and how it is perceived, we have to start talking in shades of grey. If I see you from across the room and you visually exude sex, you get checked off in my head, because that's not what I'm looking for (and I'm a super sexual person). I think once most men graduate from the raging hormone phase, we no longer find this type of women as attractive as we once did. Now if we are out on a date, and sex comes up either in conversation, or just in the way we look at each other, as long as it's not not completely inappropriate for public you're going to get stars next to your name. Basically is your sexuality out there for the world to see, or is it hidden away for only a few select men to ever see.

 

 

And how do you gauge her willingness and enthusiasm? Do you expect her to contact you?

 

I had a military brat style childhood, and always being the new kid taught me how to learn about a person from their appearance, body language, & actions. I could talk about this topic for hours, but the basic indication to me are:

 

1. does she make eye contact regularly while talking to me.

2. is she smiling and laughing when I'm making a joke, or being combatively flirty.

3. if we touch in a non sexual way, does she reject it, or does she position herself so that future contact is more likely.

4. does she ask me question, either outright, or "how about you" responses to questions I asked her.

 

Lol, just writting this makes me want attention.

[soulm8]

In my first post I was referring to how men are perceived based on stereotypes. If a guy shows a woman that he is very sexual to soon he usually gets written off as only wanting sex.Thus I was trying to say don't write a guy off because he doesn't seem very sexual right away.

My mistake. I'm intrigued by a man who doesn't seem very sexual right away - a gentleman gets my attention much more effectively than a confident, strutting-his-stuff guy. Very similar to how a woman exuding sexuality gets checked off by you.

 

With regards to a woman's sexuality and how it is perceived, we have to start talking in shades of grey. If I see you from across the room and you visually exude sex, you get checked off in my head, because that's not what I'm looking for (and I'm a super sexual person). I think once most men graduate from the raging hormone phase, we no longer find this type of women as attractive as we once did. Now if we are out on a date, and sex comes up either in conversation, or just in the way we look at each other, as long as it's not not completely inappropriate for public you're going to get stars next to your name. Basically is your sexuality out there for the world to see, or is it hidden away for only a few select men to ever see.

May I ask how old you are? I was under the impression most men are attracted to that type of woman. I've been thinking this is my problem -- coming across as too reserved. You are describing ME and all the while, I've been struggling with finding men who appreciate these qualities. Your points below make sense, and IME, I do not touch enough. If he brushes me - I don't move away per se but I assume it was accidental and wait to see if it happens again!

 

I had a military brat style childhood, and always being the new kid taught me how to learn about a person from their appearance, body language, & actions. I could talk about this topic for hours, but the basic indication to me are:

1. does she make eye contact regularly while talking to me.

2. is she smiling and laughing when I'm making a joke, or being combatively flirty.

3. if we touch in a non sexual way, does she reject it, or does she position herself so that future contact is more likely.

4. does she ask me question, either outright, or "how about you" responses to questions I asked her.

 

I moved a fair bit as a child as well, so I think this is why I'm at ease for the most part with strangers. I've always felt somewhat intuitive and understand body language. Judging by your points, I struggle most with 3. However, I thought that being non-aggressive with touch and erring on the cautious side would be more endearing to men, and reassuring that I am not promiscuous. *sigh*

[Lonely Ronin]

May I ask how old you are? I was under the impression most men are attracted to that type of woman. I've been thinking this is my problem -- coming across as too reserved. You are describing ME and all the while, I've been struggling with finding men who appreciate these qualities. Your points below make sense, and IME, I do not touch enough. If he brushes me - I don't move away per se but I assume it was accidental and wait to see if it happens again!

 

I moved a fair bit as a child as well, so I think this is why I'm at ease for the most part with strangers. I've always felt somewhat intuitive and understand body language. Judging by your points, I struggle most with 3. However, I thought that being non-aggressive with touch and erring on the cautious side would be more endearing to men, and reassuring that I am not promiscuous. *sigh*

 

I turned 32 2 months ago. Let's call the raging hormone phase the time between puberty and the time when a guy learns what love really is (for me that was my early 20's). The difference between then and now, is I can read if a women is sexy or not. I can tell by how she moves, how she talks, how she smiles. I don't need to see everything to know, I just know.

 

O and as an FYI, before you said anything I knew you where a sexual person. Your eyes and smile give it away (referring to your avatar).

 

When it comes to touching it's not about being accidental or intentional, it's about showing it's ok (to me anyway). How you act during the contact says a lot. if I brush your hand with mine by accident, and you smile at me I'm going to assume it's ok to do it intentionally later. if you brush mine and smile, it shows your ok with physical contact between us. What do you consider aggressive touching?

[soulm8]

Your eyes and smile give it away.

When it comes to touching it's not about being accidental or intentional, it's about showing it's ok (to me anyway). How you act during the contact says a lot. if I brush your hand with mine by accident, and you smile at me I'm going to assume it's ok to do it intentionally later. if you brush mine and smile, it shows your ok with physical contact between us. What do you consider aggressive touching?

Ah, I do get comments on my eyes and smile... and for the most part (online) they're rather raunchy comments. Thank you for the (unraunchy) compliment.

 

I consider "aggressive touching" to be when either party is overly touchy feely and doesn't respect personal space boundaries -- there is no waiting for signals or interpretation -- they just go for it and assume that if their touch/advances are rejected or not reciprocated, that you're not interested. That's not always accurate. Some of us are slower to react to touch and to freely touch back.

 

I'm not meeting any men like you mostly because of my age. I'm meeting 40+ year olds who've been chewed up and spit out by women, divorced and taken to the cleaners, cheated on = lots of baggage. Maybe I should consider younger men. I just had it stuck in my head that younger meant they were hunting for cougar.

[Dust]

I would never have sex on a first date......but I know on the first date if I ever will with that person.

 

You've never been on a first date with me! I'm not saying I have sex on the first date all the time but for you certainly

[soulm8]

Upon further thinking, I don't think it'd be wise to incorporate dealbreakers into my OLD profile. That'd only highlight what guys need to hide (really well) from me. Which bring me back to why my profile is rather vague.

 

I will just have to filter better.

 

Asking my dealbreaker questions quicker in the first few messages, instead of warming up is a start.

[Dust]

Upon further thinking, I don't think it'd be wise to incorporate dealbreakers into my OLD profile. That'd only highlight what guys need to hide (really well) from me. Which bring me back to why my profile is rather vague.

 

I will just have to filter better.

 

Asking my dealbreaker questions quicker in the first few messages, instead of warming up is a start.

 

Don't be so negative. Sometimes the right guy does it all wrong but you just love him any way! Obviously you need to be attracted to the guy! Let that be your guide

[colliejoanie]

Upon further thinking, I don't think it'd be wise to incorporate dealbreakers into my OLD profile. That'd only highlight what guys need to hide (really well) from me. Which bring me back to why my profile is rather vague.

 

I will just have to filter better.

 

Asking my dealbreaker questions quicker in the first few messages, instead of warming up is a start.

 

I was complaining to a male friend about what I'm going to put on my OLD profile; "If you've just gotten out of a relationship within the last six months, don't bother contacting me". Because honestly, the amount of men with ex issues is amazing to me........But his response made a lot of sense....."why be THAT girl that is TELLING people she's high maintenance.....just ask the right questions and listen with your ears and not your heart to the answers".

 

Oh, well when you say it THAT way.......