lilyblue Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 How do you truly move forward? It's been three months and while I don't cry everyday anymore (due to starting antidepressants) it's still pretty consuming and anything negative that happens in my life just brings me back to the sadness of the ex who disappeared. I've tried being more social and have quit isolating myself, but hanging out with men only makes me remember how awful some of them are (same for the male perspective of women I'm sure) so that makes me sad. I'm pretty busy in general, but the brain and emotions just don't go away.
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 True happiness only appears with forgiveness. Truly forgive your ex for their mistakes, forgive yourself for your mistakes, make a promise to learn from your mistakes and past... and you will find inner peace. With that peace you will find happiness again.
Author lilyblue Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 True happiness only appears with forgiveness. Truly forgive your ex for their mistakes, forgive yourself for your mistakes, make a promise to learn from your mistakes and past... and you will find inner peace. With that peace you will find happiness again. It sounds like a nice idea, but I really don't feel able to forgive him at this point. What he did was wrong. I honestly don't believe I made a mistake in this case, and I've had some very cynical friends tell me the same. This was very one-sided.
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 It's not forgiving him to his face, but forgiving him interally. Forgive him for making mistakes or taking negative action. Pity his immaturity and wish him to find true happiness in this world. "To be angry is to let others' mistakes punish yourself. To forgive others is to be good to yourself." - Master ChengYen
geegirl Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) It sounds like a nice idea, but I really don't feel able to forgive him at this point. What he did was wrong. I honestly don't believe I made a mistake in this case, and I've had some very cynical friends tell me the same. This was very one-sided. I remember not being able to forgive my ex for what he did to me. It was so emotionally destructive that I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I was amazed that as time went on, I found the capacity to do so and while I didn't need to announce, discuss it or extend it to him, feeling it within is what helped me move on. Edited January 6, 2012 by geegirl
FinOuch Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 First of all, I don't think forgiveness is something you can force yourself to do. I think that instead it is more similar to the process of recovering from a breakup. Both recovery and forgiveness are something that just takes time. Yes, there are steps that you can take and behaviors that you can adopt that can help speed the process up. But it will still take time...and the amount of time and the effectiveness of those steps/changes in behaviors is highly dependent on the individual. I know that personally, I am someone who feels things very deeply...so it takes a long time for me to get over the hurt, even while implementing all the good advice for recovery that I've gotten from this forum and other sources. Similarly, I can hold one heck of a grudge. And even though I do try and work towards forgiveness, it is a slow and difficult process for me. With that being said, I think you move forward with time. Self-reflection, discovery, and working on whatever things there may be that you don't like about yourself. Allow yourself time for your grief to run its course, and really focus on bettering yourself and your life. This will really help you regain your sense of self worth. It took me a good four or five months before I felt like there was any really substantial improvement in my emotional state. And I was proactive in the whole healing process. Then it was another month or two before I could even consider the idea of meeting and dating someone new. I still don't completely forgive my ex. I'm sure it'll be a while before I can get past that hurtle. But I care a lot less, and I'm only slightly resentful and angry. =)
cboinc Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 For your consideration... My ex-gf ditched me back in September. She had a replacement lined up in August (she cheated on me after I bought her a promise ring). During the time between September to December I was mostly an emotional yo-yo. Some days were good, some days were bad. But anger and pains in my chest were constant. It also didn't help that I had the illusion that I could forgive her and we might be able to be friends in the future. That is not an option now. It wasn't until I faced the sorrow of the relationship breaking or failing that freedom from this mess became possible. I can not speak for other people on this forum. But, I was using anger as a means to hold on to my ex and all the good times and memories we had. When she left me anger was all that I had left. I felt if I let go of this anger, I would lose her and those memories forever. Watch Mission Impossibile 4. Listen for the part when Tom says,"We can't bring them back." Strangely, that one line was the turning point for me in the post-breakup recovery. I actually left the movie theater and had a 20 minute power bawling session (it was so intense). I finally faced the sorrow of the situation and released the anger. Just from my experience releasing the anger and processing the sorrow can help you move forward.
fificremefarben Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 How do you truly move forward? It's been three months and while I don't cry everyday anymore (due to starting antidepressants) it's still pretty consuming and anything negative that happens in my life just brings me back to the sadness of the ex who disappeared. I've tried being more social and have quit isolating myself, but hanging out with men only makes me remember how awful some of them are (same for the male perspective of women I'm sure) so that makes me sad. I'm pretty busy in general, but the brain and emotions just don't go away. I get what you mean, Lily. I'm 5 months BU and I've gotten to the point where I've accepted that the relationship is over. Yet somehow, I still feel like I'm hanging in limbo somewhere and that I'm waiting for something to kick start me on. I believe this is just the interrim whilst you get used to them not being in your life anymore, especially if you were in contact with them everyday and are suddenly not anymore. I guess it just comes down to time again. I look at it this way...this time next year, I know I won't still feel like this. It's not much, but it makes me feel better. I hope it help you too x
ken_25 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Finding something that makes you excited, something interesting and just consumes you and makes you forget about everything else while you're partaking in that activity. Get that bucket list, put yourself out there and learn something new. Meeting new people with different and positive perspectives also really helps.
I have no title Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I would also say that releasing the anger is the best way to get over somebody that hurt you so bad. My first boyfriend broke up with me in a very bad way. He cheated on me with another girl and went on with her just after he broke up with me. He told me lots of hurtful things, and acted like a total player. Honestly, I couldn't get over it for nearly a year. It took me good 8 months to stop crying and waiting for a "Im sorry" letter from him. Ever since the day we broke up, which was more than a year ago, I have never heard from him. I wanted to hear his apologies soo badly. I hated him more than anything in this life. I thought my anger would never fade away until I would see him hurt and desperate, just as he made me feel. Well, its amazing how time can heal. It has been more than a year now, and on the new years eve I have realized that Im completely over him. I dont want his apologies, I dont want him to suffer, I dont care if he is with someone else. I can even picture him in my head having sex with another girl, and I dont feel any sort of emotion. Just give yourself some time. the anger will eventually fade, I also thought that it never will, but it does...Let go and let time...
Author lilyblue Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Thanks for everyone's replies. Though no one said it, I guess what it really boils down to is that you eventually forget. That's when it starts to hurt less, when you can't remember the good or the bad as well as you used to. When you're left with knowing that they made you so happy and then made you so sad, but you also can't recapture those feelings of being so happy and sad. I guess I just wish I could make progress without waiting around for my memory to fail me.
ken_25 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I don't think we ever really forget. It's more of just acceptance and your feelings become indifferent. Best way to get there the fastest in my opinion is to do new creative activities meeting new people who are also positive influences.
geegirl Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I don't believe you forget. It will always be there. But in time, those hurt feelings slowly start to fade and that is when you slowly start to feel indifference. There are things that made me cry at a drop of a hat and now when I think about it, I feel nothing. Maybe tears for my own pain and what I put myself through but not for him or the relationship. That indifference brings acceptance and you keep moving on. But you never forget.
Author lilyblue Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I don't think we ever forget the person either, it's just that the details that were so wonderful or hurtful get harder to remember. We forget specifics. I (of course) want a way to speed it up. Time is so hard to wait for. I'm busy now with a couple of jobs, but that will only last for about a month and a half more - then I'll be down to one - and I'm already dreading the spring with more time and the memories of us from last year.
stunned8165 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I don't think we ever forget the person either, it's just that the details that were so wonderful or hurtful get harder to remember. We forget specifics. I (of course) want a way to speed it up. Time is so hard to wait for. I'm busy now with a couple of jobs, but that will only last for about a month and a half more - then I'll be down to one - and I'm already dreading the spring with more time and the memories of us from last year. I'm 7 months out from being dumped for her boss. I lost 3. Her and her two kids. Throw in her dog too because I miss the damn dog..lol I still have my off days like today. But I don't think we will ever forget. I don't think the dumpers will either. But as the months go by, it does get easier. I am exhausted trying to stay busy, going to the gym, and recently even went to go check out a Yoga class. I would pee on a spark plug if I thought it would work. Being cheated on and left for another is very damaging. especially when the dumper isn't honest about anything and using that transference of blame stuff to make you seem like you were at fault. You know, all those lame excuses which in my case, she couldn't really come up with any. She actually tried to say I was flirting on MY Space by pointing out and old post from a friend that was posted a year before we even started dating. Go figure. That's how bad she was grasping for straws. Never the less, it leaves you almost wandering around aimlessly for a while . even when they are still in the relationship because you can't figure out what's going on with them no matter how hard you try to communicate. But as the months go by, it gets easier, and I realize more and more she actually did me favor. I can't imagine what it would be like dealing with such a toxic person more then 3 years. Boy she had me fooled.. But no more.. Yes, I still miss the kids dearly, I'll always love them and hope their crazy mother wakes up and gets her life together for the sake of those kids.
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) 6+months here feel slightly better but stil residual feelings resurface once in a while.. tbh lily healing time is unfortunately respective of each individuals level of attachment. some people take a week others take years. very hard to advice what to do, but to take each day at a time, don't think about the past ( hard thing to do) or the future (as most of those thoughts occupy the field of "oh they might call or email or text or w/e, but guess what probably wont happen). as a friend on here said to me: "if it's too hard to move on, just move forward". ( or something to that effect). I will promise you as much as you were used to their presence you will eventually get used to their absence, might take a while but eventually it will happen... very hard to give great advice as I can say the same trite things as I've said before, but like me it sounds like people rub off on you the wrong way, so maybe you need to spend some time still on your own for a while ( alot of my friends just had relationship problems also and so them rehashing the same s*** is not what I needed) or even find new people to hang with. I guess the only thing I can really suggest is to love your own company, and try to strengthen your independency so you then can love yourself more than love being in a relationship. your in for some tough times ahead, but once you can find you can stand on your own two feet, you'll probably start to see why your old relationship was actually holding you back.. Edited January 9, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
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