Staying married to a cheater

[nofool4u]

I believe that you did the right thing nofool4u.

It seems like you were honest with yourself about how things will be and how you will react.

 

I'm sure that giving up putting your kids to bed full time was a great price to pay for you, but I'm sure its healthier for kids to not live in a tension filled house of make belief.

 

I agree as well. I'm a happier father for them now.

[nofool4u]

I know it will probably make a few eyes roll, but the initial reason I stayed was because I thought that it was what would be best for my kids and myself. My husband's cheating really threw me and I wanted to have some time to try and make the best decision possible, and staying for my kids gave me that time...time to calm down, see what the fallout would be and also to see if he really did want to stay together or if he was just staying because he was too scared to leave. I told him to go and be with his other woman, if that is what he really wanted to do and if that was what he thought would make him happy.he chose to stay. I let him know that if we were going to stay together, he needed to get help for himself, as he was in a really bad place in his mind, and we needed to get help to figure out where our problems lay and how to make changes and move forward.

 

No rolling eyes here at all. You made the decision you think is best for you. And you would be different than someone like me.

 

I couldn't do it and knew if I had stayed for the kids, I'd look at her and see nothing but a big red C stamped on her forehead.

 

For some, as mentioned in the thread, their spouses cheating doesn't define them......in their mind. In my mind, her cheating most certainly defined her.

[frozensprouts]

No rolling eyes here at all. You made the decision you think is best for you. And you would be different than someone like me.

 

I couldn't do it and knew if I had stayed for the kids, I'd look at her and see nothing but a big red C stamped on her forehead.

 

For some, as mentioned in the thread, their spouses cheating doesn't define them......in their mind. In my mind, her cheating most certainly defined her.

 

I can understand that, and you made the decision that was right for you, and, in the long run, her as well.

 

Not sure what the circumstances surrounding her decision to cheat were, but if they had been different, do you think you would have felt any differently about staying with her? If she had done all the "right' things after the affair ended, do you think you would feel any differently, or is that view of her to strong to go away?

[nofool4u]

I can understand that, and you made the decision that was right for you, and, in the long run, her as well.

 

The only good decision for her, which I can't make on her behalf, is that she stays away from committed relationships/marriage. She gets bored forsaking others for too long.

 

Not sure what the circumstances surrounding her decision to cheat were, but if they had been different, do you think you would have felt any differently about staying with her?

 

She cheated because forsaking others is too much for her. She wanted the "newness"

 

And no, varying circumstances wouldn't have changed my feelings. A cheater is a cheater.

 

 

If she had done all the "right' things after the affair ended, do you think you would feel any differently, or is that view of her to strong to go away?

 

The view of anyone that cheats is too strong, for me, to go away. It wouldn't have mattered if she put a chastity belt on where only I had the key. My view of her would have been the same. To me, she would have been crap no matter what she did or didn't do.

[confusedinkansas]

What M is worth all that? For that matter, what R is worth all that? To me, trust of that level needs to be blind. If I need to verify, it's not trust. There are times when it's crucial the trust be implicit, with no strings, no verification.

 

I think we'd all be hard pressed to find anyone in this world that BLINDLY TRUSTS.........Anyone or Everyone.

 

The title of this thread "Staying with a Cheater" Why label?

Same as ..... staying with a liar, alcoholic, drug addict, horder, obsessive compulsive, --- I could go on.

Why does there have to be a label on a "Cheater?"

[donnamaybe]

I think we'd all be hard pressed to find anyone in this world that BLINDLY TRUSTS.........Anyone or Everyone.

 

The title of this thread "Staying with a Cheater" Why label?

Same as ..... staying with a liar, alcoholic, drug addict, horder, obsessive compulsive, --- I could go on.

Why does there have to be a label on a "Cheater?"

 

Perhaps because that is what the OP wanted to discuss.

[beenburned]

FORMER cheater! We wouldn't even be having this post about staying, if the cheater didn't stop, and commit wholly to the marriage.

[nofool4u]

The title of this thread "Staying with a Cheater" Why label?

Same as ..... staying with a liar, alcoholic, drug addict, horder, obsessive compulsive, --- I could go on.

Why does there have to be a label on a "Cheater?"

 

Because the shoe fits

[nofool4u]

FORMER cheater! We wouldn't even be having this post about staying, if the cheater didn't stop, and commit wholly to the marriage.

 

Sure we would. Still can have this post about it. As I said, it wouldn't have mattered if my x-wife committed wholly to the marriage or not.

 

Because one, how would I really know if she was truly committed or not? Yes I know, how do I know this to be true about anyone I date. I don't. But I'll give someone the benefit of the doubt until they betray me.

 

And two, I'm sure there are people out there that will forever hold some resentment or anger even if the marriage "survives" and the cheaters stops actually cheating (meaning they can stop the act, but I don't believe they lose the desire to get some strange)

 

I just wanted to know how many people have stayed in their marriage, and no matter what their WS did, if they still see them with the big letter C on their forehead.

[frozensprouts]

The only good decision for her, which I can't make on her behalf, is that she stays away from committed relationships/marriage. She gets bored forsaking others for too long.

.

 

in your decision not to stay in the marriage because you know you will never be able to look at her the same way again, you did the right thing for yourself, and her too.

 

I know how easy it can be to stay simply because it is what you know and it can be really hard to face your life without them. I think some betrayed spouses stay because it's almost "easier" and because they are afraid, not because it's what is really right for them. They never really forgive nor move on...they remain stuck in a place they don't want to be and they are never really happy, and their spouse who cheated isn't either....who could be, living in an atmosphere like that?

 

 

maybe your wife can't be with only one person at a time...maybe it's just "in her" to always be seeking the proverbial green grass on the other side of the fence. Fair enough. I"f that is who she is, so be it...at least you didn't let her drag you down with her by staying when you knew it was wrong for you. I think if you had stayed, you both would have been tremendously unhappy.

[nofool4u]

I think if you had stayed, you both would have been tremendously unhappy.

 

I think if we both stayed, I'd end up cracking, not being able to do it just for the kids any longer, and waiting til the dead of winter to throw her out in the snow naked:cool:

[frozensprouts]

I think we'd all be hard pressed to find anyone in this world that BLINDLY TRUSTS.........Anyone or Everyone.

 

The title of this thread "Staying with a Cheater" Why label?

Same as ..... staying with a liar, alcoholic, drug addict, horder, obsessive compulsive, --- I could go on.

Why does there have to be a label on a "Cheater?"

 

I see your point...may be the labels don't matter.

 

It's the behavior that does.

 

I do believe that someone can cheat once, and never again. but I also think that unless they address the issues surrounding what caused them to make the choices they did, it could very easily happen again, should similar circumstances arise.

 

I stayed with my husband because I love him and because i saw him work really hard to figure out why he made the choices he did and figure out better ways to solve problems. I don't think i could have stayed with him if he hadn't done that.

 

while i no longer blindly trust anyone, in strange way i trust him more than i would trust someone who hadn't gone through what he has, as he has learned from it how painful cheating is, the destruction it causes, and ways to not start down that road again.

[frozensprouts]

I think if we both stayed, I'd end up cracking, not being able to do it just for the kids any longer, and waiting til the dead of winter to throw her out in the snow naked:cool:

 

i wouldn't worry...maybe she;d have some other guy waiting there to catch her when she landed:laugh:

[DarkPrince]

I stayed married to a cheater becuase it happened when my wife was a chronic drinker. All the signs of the affair were there, but I chose to ignore them instead of step in and prevent it from happening I guess in a way I blame myself for not stopping it.

She is a different person now, as am I, but things arent all great. I still dont trust her with guys. She tends to be attracted to a partiular type of guy, and whenever I see her talking to one, I boil inside. I tell her to never talk to those types of guys again becuase I dont trust her with them. She agreed, but I always have to keep an eye on her.

I know this is not healthy, but until she does cheat again, Ill give her another chance. We have alot of fun and enjoy life together, so I wont leave until she slips up (if she does, which I hope he doesnt)

I know now that she is capable of cheating when she drinks, but I dont think she is when she is sober. She stopped drinking a year ago, and we have not had any problems.

Like I said, she is very flirtatious, and overly friendly to a particular type of guy, and I have had to be very stern with her about that. I told her how if would look if I acted the same way around petite brunettes with olive skin. She would be irate, because that is my type of girl and she knows this.

I dont know if she will ever cheat again. I can only hope not, but in my gut I will never fully trust her. But I dont think I will ever fully trust any woman fully, so I think Im just picking the lesser of two evils.

[SoMovinOn]

I think we'd all be hard pressed to find anyone in this world that BLINDLY TRUSTS.........Anyone or Everyone.

 

In my opinion, trust can only be blind, implicit. If it is not, it isn't trust.

You have to be able to believe, without checking, verifying or questioning. You have to be able to do what you do, without having to think or worry about the person you are trusting.

[SoMovinOn]

I stayed married to a cheater becuase it happened when my wife was a chronic drinker. All the signs of the affair were there, but I chose to ignore them instead of step in and prevent it from happening I guess in a way I blame myself for not stopping it.

 

Not wanting to lead to a T/J, but, seriously, there isn't anything you can do to stop another person from doing something.

[Kitsune77]

Rick... You can't force love. And I'm not sure if romantic love can exist in long term relationships.however I have read here that it can, not just between affair partners, but husband and wife. It's a difficult situation you find yourself in, and I agree that if you supress your grieving over tge OW you loved, it makes it harder... I also feel that you can love 2 people at once, but in my experience, when I really love, I don't want to make love with anyone else, or share the deepest parts of me with anyone else.

But hey, what do I know? As another poster said, I have a bull**** persona:)

 

 

I do love my wife, and as I said, when I posted it was morning and those are the hardest times for me in dealing with emotions and at times they get the better of me. It's just barely 5 months post affair, Im allowed to falter at times and you bet I pull myself up by the bootstraps.

 

The problem is, I had a huge disconnect from her and replaced her with the other woman, and yes, I've been pulling my head from the dark area for a while now. I am broken, no doubt, but Im working on me and my marriage and if it fails it will not be because OW snaps her fingers, not anymore.

 

Believe it or not, Ive gained quite a bit of clarity and see much of what was as it is and I am focusing alot more on my wife and her interests and needs and trying to listen. I can't help that I post about me and my feelings on here and not my wife , it's just what I feel like posting. I took my marriage for granted, took my wife for granted and went looking for something better, forgetting the totality of the circumstances.

 

I will let my wife go if I feel that I cannot love her as she deserves, but I will not do that until I focus on her completely which I am doing. I find that if I fight my thoughts, it does't help me but if I acknowledge what Im thinking and accept the thoughts will come and go then I bounce back quicker.

 

As of writing this right now, I could care less what the OW is doing, she's not my concern anymore, my marriage and family are and that is how I feel the vast majority of the time, it's those rare mornings where things hit hard and alot of that stems from the memories that I have from when we met after drop off at the school.

 

Frozen, you're right, it is time to stop grieving and for the most part I have. I slip once in a while, and Im with my wife, not by default, I could have still left and considered it, but if she was not willing to let go then I too felt it was worth trying to save. I'm with her because I don't want to throw a total of 17 years away with a woman I've built a life with, I do love her, it was never about her, just my selfishness and I realize more now what love is. She didn't walk out on me when I did her and I feel if she is willing to keep me, despite my betrayal, then by God I will do my very best to fix what I broke and find what I lost between us. I will be the last person to sit around and waste anymore of her time, Ive done that enough and I know that she isn't going to sit around and take the role of second fiddle anymore either. Just as an FYI, she and I do speak about the OW, we talk about what happened, and some of my feelings, both past and present, as well. Not an easy thing to do or for her to hear but it's therapeutic at times.

[frozensprouts]

Rick... You can't force love. And I'm not sure if romantic love can exist in long term relationships.however I have read here that it can, not just between affair partners, but husband and wife. It's a difficult situation you find yourself in, and I agree that if you supress your grieving over tge OW you loved, it makes it harder... I also feel that you can love 2 people at once, but in my experience, when I really love, I don't want to make love with anyone else, or share the deepest parts of me with anyone else.

But hey, what do I know? As another poster said, I have a bull**** persona:)

 

maybe what you say re: grieving is true, but how long is it fair of him to expect his wife to wait for him to "grieve" and figure out if staying with her is what he wants ? Should she be expected to just wait while he sorts himself out? Can he be there for her when she really needs him to be ? Does she need to be afraid of bringing up her feelings re: the the woman and his affair lest she make him feel bad?

 

Maybe he is able to be there for her right now even though he's still mourning the loss of his affair partner, I don't know- only he ( and, more importantly, his wife- can answer that question)

 

 

Rick....you say you are there for your wife, and I take you at your word. has she started to open up with you very much about her feelings? does she seem to be handling things okay?

[Kitsune77]

FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

maybe what you say re: grieving is true, but how long is it fair of him to expect his wife to wait for him to "grieve" and figure out if staying with her is what he wants ? Should she be expected to just wait while he sorts himself out? Can he be there for her when she really needs him to be ? Does she need to be afraid of bringing up her feelings re: the the woman and his affair lest she make him feel bad?

 

Maybe he is able to be there for her right now even though he's still mourning the loss of his affair partner, I don't know- only he ( and, more importantly, his wife- can answer that question)

 

 

Rick....you say you are there for your wife, and I take you at your word. has she started to open up with you very much about her feelings? does she seem to be handling things okay?

[Kitsune77]

Thought this was the OW/OM forum:)

 

QUOTE=Kitsune77;3798021]FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

[donnamaybe]

FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

Like it or not, there are more involved in an A than just the AP, and if someone is trying to make a go of their M it would be remiss - no, downright ignorant - to leave the BS and his/her feelings out of the conversation. After all, this thread is called "Staying with a cheater," not "Running off with your AP."

Edited January 11, 2012 by donnamaybe

[woinlove]

FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

 

 

I think you are missing the point, Kitsune. FS and others aren't advising Rick for the benefit of his betrayed wife, it is for his own benefit. He says he loves his W and wants to stay married to her. Most marriages fail after infidelity and the ones we hear about here that have survived, appear to have the WS doing everything in their power to demonstrate their love for the spouse and to rebuild their M.

 

From past stories here, I'd give Rick very low chances of still being married 5 years from now. Personally, I don't care whether he stays married or not, and from the feelings he expresses and the level of impulse control he demonstrates, it perhaps is better if he doesn't stay married. However, I'm taking him at his own word that he actually does love his W and wants to stay married and so it would seem that advice to support that is reasonable. Along those lines, the more he can understand his BW's position, the better off he will be in achieving what he says he wants to achieve.

 

On him pining for his "love" for another woman: I really doubt Rick felt true love for the OW, but perhaps he can address that point himself. It strikes me as obsession and addiction and filling some hole in himself and doesn't look like love at all to me.

[beenburned]

SMO,

I define blind trust as an innocent, very naive, inexperienced kind of trust.

 

Not only had I not ever experienced cheating in any relationship I had ever had, but I also came from a very conservative extended Christian family in which I never saw or heard things pertaining to cheating.

 

Kitsune,

Boy, you had me confused, I didn't know I was posting on the OW board.

 

Different people experience what they call love differently.When my H was younger, he was a very selfish, self centered person, who thought the world revolved around him.

 

He, at that time in his life, was not capable of a healthy mature love with anybody.(and that does include me)

 

I know most OW/OM want to call lust love, but I really don't think these affairs would even exist if the sex didn't occur .

[donnamaybe]

I know most OW/OM want to call lust love, but I really don't think these affairs would even exist if the sex didn't occur .

Spot on BB.

[frozensprouts]

FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

 

kitsune, you are mistaken...this is NOT the "other woman board"....

 

one more thing...as much as it may annoy you, the feelings and opinions of those you want to dismiss because they do not support your choices are valid, even if you do not agree with them.

 

About emotions not being "neat and tidy"...I am not a child, nor am I a fool, I know that they are not. I also know what is like to be in the place his wife is in...she's hurting and very much in need of support herself. I am not trying to run Rick down for how he feels. rather, I am trying to say that it IS possible to move past an affair if one wants to. It seems he wants to, and I am trying to offer him some advice on part of the equation that he may not understand, as he has not been a betrayed spouse himself.

 

with respect to Ricks marriage and his spouses feelings, the other woman's feelings are irrelevant. She is not ( and I don't think she should be) part of the equation at all. If his choice is to stay wth his wife, then that should be his focus. I think he already knows that.

Edited January 11, 2012 by frozensprouts