I am really lost. was it just not meant to be?

[I have no title]

I have made a post about my situation before, however, I have not asked for your opinions, and I would really like to tell my story in detail, and to find out what you think about it, so here it goes again:

 

I have went on an internship for 4 months, to a city which is 150km away from the city I normally live in and study. 10 days after I moved, I have met a guy I fell in love with from the first sight. He felt the same about me.

 

We got along really well, talked for hours, had many things in common, had the same principles and thoughts in life. I loved his personality, and I swear for the first time in my life I felt like he is just the right guy for me (I am 19 he is 20). I liked everything about him, he was totally my type, and I could see and feel that he felt the same about me (he even said it to me).

 

Things went really fast between us. On the night we met, we talked for the entire evening, and when I left home, he texted me saying "goodnight". 2 days later we started talking for hours and hours, all day and night long (he always initiated contact with me). 10 days later we were seeing each other every single day, spending the entire day together, kissing, cuddling, etc.

 

I must say, I really lost my mind. At that point when I met him, I was single for one year, and just managed to get over my first ex and my first love, just managed to win myself back and be happy - and here comes this guy! I must say, I felt like he was 1000 times better than my ex, he was just what I always wanted from a guy..He treated me with a lot of respect, care and love...and I swear I could feel it whenever I was with him.

 

So we were dating, and everything seemed fine....but as I said, I only came to this city where I met him for only 4 months, and I had to go back to study and living to my city which is 150km away from here. This question of distance has bothered him from the very beginning. He said that he doesn't really beleive in distance relationships, and it is hard for him to imagine himself being in one. Well, to be honest, when he said that to me - I kinda saw the end coming. I had the feeling that at some point he would give up on me, cause we didn't know each other for so long to stick to each other and manage to develop deep feelings....

 

And my feeling was right...He broke up with me after dating me for about 1.5 month. But there is more to the story, which I would like to share and get an advice on.

 

The night we met, he told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend. He said that she is a very depressive person, and she always needs him to encourage her in everything she does (study, work, anything), to carry on with her life. He said he was over her, and his feelings were over, and he wanted to just be friends with her, however, he did not know how to say it to her, since he knew that she emotionally depended on his support and encouragement. Plus, his parents love her deeply. They have been together on holidays for numerous times, they have been dating for 2 years, so they have been through a lot of nice and bad times together. She lives next to his parent's house, so she always comes over for dinner and she is treated like a member of his family. When he was breaking up with me, he told me that if he would break up with her, his parents would freak out on him, and he cares about her a lot, so he cant just break up with her and leave her all depressed and down. He also mentioned not once that she is taking anti-depressants, so he is really afraid to hurt her...

 

So after 1.5 months after we were dating, he told me all this about his gf. He mentioned some of the things before our break-up, therefore it makes me beleive his story and think that all what he said is really true. He told me that our relationship didnt have any chance to blossom. He also mentioned that he seeked for advice from his father, and his best friend, who both told him to break up with me and leave me alone, since I am leaving this city soon, and there is no point to stick to a distance relationship where there is no visible future. So he quit on me...just like that. When I asked him if he had sex with his gf while we were dating he said "yes I was seeing her about once in two weeks"....He replied to all my questions honestly, and that's what made me keep the respect for him. He said that he sees his gf as a friend, however he cannot break up with her.

He also told me he loved me and cared for me, but it was best to break up and move on with our lives..

 

After we broke up, I met his friends at the bar, and they approached me, and told me that he loves me. They told me that he talks about me all the time and asks for advices, and he is really lost. So that kinda makes me beleive that he didnt use me just for sex or just for fun, and that he really had feelings for me. That night when his friends approached me, he was also there at the bar. Even though we were broken up, I approached him, we talked...and yes, I took him to my place. I wanted to talk things over again, and try to convince him to stay with me.We talked the entire night, hugged, kissed, it was amazing. He once again told me that he logically didnt see any future for our relationship, and he just wanted to stay friends. Nevertheless, I could feel the warmth of his embrace, and I swear I could feel that he had feelings for me. We've spent the entire next day sleeping and cuddling, and then he left...

 

We kept on talking to each other for hours online. Surprisingly, we always had topics for discussions, and always taked for 5-6 hours a days sometimes. I stopped hoping and just convinced myself it was over, however this truly hurt me. I could feel him becoming colder and colder with every single day...We kept on talking for a month. A few days ago I asked him if he still loved and missed me. He said he did miss me, but more like a memory and more in a nostalgic way...again he said that our relationship didnt have any chance, and he doesnt know if he loves me now, and it doesnt really matter anymore. So I guess his feelings are fading away...I also asked him how was it going with his girlfriend and he said " it is going good"....

 

I am still online but we dont talk as much anymore. With every single day we are further away from each other, and it hurts so badly.....What I am wondering is: Did he really develop feelings for me, or was he just bored with his gf, and I was just a fling for him? Maybe he just dated me until he got bored with me and found an excuse to dump me??

Is it true that he sees his gf as a friend only or does he still love her?

Is he really an ******* or not? I just keep thinking that he is a nice guy and I have all my respect for him, but is he really?

 

I keep hoping that one day we will meet again and start all over again...I just cant shake the thought that its over..I just try to convince myself that he is not a good guy, and I shouldn't keep those warm and sweet feelings I have for him...maybe that would have made it easier for me to get over him...Im sorry this is so long....any thoughts guys?? thank you for reading!

[Philosoraptor]

The huge red flag is that he was in a relationship when you met and you both assumed love at first sight. Sadly you were used as a rebound for someone who took no time to heal. You offered a safe landing spot for him to avoid his feelings and hurt regarding the breakup.

 

He obviously still has feelings for his ex and I'm not certain that they aren't seeing each other as this guy took no time to heal himself nor did he mature whatsoever. The communication with you is most likely him keeping you at arms reach just incase things with his ex do not work out.

 

For your own health please go NC and work on yourself.

[I have no title]

Thats what I was most afraid to hear...the rebound thing...

and I know he still has feelings for her, but why would he seek for advice from his friends and parents if I really did not matter to him?

Well his friends at the bar told me that he was sad and lost and always talked about me...so maybe he did take his time to heal, but it was faster than mine?

Im so lost, really....I keep hoping that one day we can be together, cause I really liked that guy....have I really just been used? he told me he never fell in love so fast before..

[I have no title]

and to make it clear - they are seeing each other, and I know it for sure...they are still in a relationship and nothing has changed between them....thats what I know for sure....he told her that his feelings for her were not the same anymore, but she said she will keep holding on to him and so they are still together...

[ZimboGon]

he told me he never fell in love so fast before..

 

I'm sorry to say but that is one of the biggest signs of a rebound.

[I have no title]

this really cuts like a knife....so he used me to get over with the pain he was going through and then left me as soon as the pain was gone and he solved the issues with his gf?

So now he is happy back with her and I am sitting here missing him..

 

I just really thought that he left me only because the relationship didint seem to have any future..

[ZimboGon]

this really cuts like a knife....so he used me to get over with the pain he was going through and then left me as soon as the pain was gone and he solved the issues with his gf?

So now he is happy back with her and I am sitting here missing him..

 

I just really thought that he left me only because the relationship didint seem to have any future..

 

I'm sorry you had to experience this, but it happens all the time. I've been that person like his girlfriend. People use others for their own comfort, and in the moment they don't feel bad about it. Its the honeymoon phase. They don't think about their ex, so any feelings he did have for you were most likely genuine, but when the feelings from his ex start coming back to him (Because lets face it, she has an advantage over you due to time, and experience with him) his feelings for you were most likely replaced with guilt for being the person that has to hurt you.

 

I would say he probably used the long distance as an excuse so it was easier for him to break-up with you.

[Philosoraptor]

He made an excuse to relieve his own guilt and hide the truth. He would have felt worse saying to you "I am not over my ex nor are my feelings as strong as I claimed them to be". It's sad but it happens.

 

Odds are the issues in his previous relationship and in himself are not fixed and he will breakup with her again. He will most likely come crawling back to you at that point saying things will be different... but he will leave you just the same. He has taken no time to mature or work on himself.

 

Do not accept him back into your life until he has taken some time alone to work through his issues.

 

If he does come back ask some questions before you ever let him back in.

 

What changes have you made internally that will allow the relationship to prosper?

What brought about these changes?

When did these changes begin?

How do you think we can best deal with the issues that caused our breakup(s) in the past?

 

This is your heart... don't just hand it back to someone whom is likely to hurt you again.

 

If they can't explain what changes they have made and give a "I know it can work out" line... they haven't matured. If they can't explain the internal converastion they had about the changes they likely haven't matured. If this happened a short time ago they may have rushed things and still are not ready. If they have not analyzed their past issues (you of course need to do the same as it is a two way street) then they have not matured enough to begin again.

[I have no title]

so lets assume that I wouldnt have to leave this city, and I would be living here for a long term. you want to say that he wouldn't have left his gf for me if I was here for a long time?

 

I might sound naive right now Im sorry for this...im in a really desperate situation..

 

Why did he have to ask for advices from his parents and friends on what to do with my relationship with him, if it was just an excuse anyway? only cause he felt guilty?

 

I really want to beleive that this was not an excuse but one of the real reasons why he left me..

[ZimboGon]

so lets assume that I wouldnt have to leave this city, and I would be living here for a long term. you want to say that he wouldn't have left his gf for me if I was here for a long time?

 

I might sound naive right now Im sorry for this...im in a really desperate situation..

 

Why did he have to ask for advices from his parents and friends on what to do with my relationship with him, if it was just an excuse anyway? only cause he felt guilty?

 

I really want to beleive that this was not an excuse but one of the real reasons why he left me..

 

I'm pretty sure from reading your story, he still would have left you. You don't know the extent on what he asked his parents and friends. For all you know, he could have asked them to help pick between you and his ex.

[Philosoraptor]

so lets assume that I wouldnt have to leave this city, and I would be living here for a long term. you want to say that he wouldn't have left his gf for me if I was here for a long time?

 

I might sound naive right now Im sorry for this...im in a really desperate situation..

 

Why did he have to ask for advices from his parents and friends on what to do with my relationship with him, if it was just an excuse anyway? only cause he felt guilty?

 

I really want to beleive that this was not an excuse but one of the real reasons why he left me..

Not saying that at all. He most likely would have found another way to do so. His emotional clock ticked and he had not done any sort of healing.

 

Can you verify that he actually asked anyone anything? He could have just asked how to get back with his ex.

 

But none of this should matter as it will not help you heal. Work on yourself and let this person go.

[I have no title]

He made an excuse to relieve his own guilt and hide the truth. He would have felt worse saying to you "I am not over my ex nor are my feelings as strong as I claimed them to be". It's sad but it happens.

 

Odds are the issues in his previous relationship and in himself are not fixed and he will breakup with her again. He will most likely come crawling back to you at that point saying things will be different... but he will leave you just the same. He has taken no time to mature or work on himself.

 

Do not accept him back into your life until he has taken some time alone to work through his issues.

 

If he does come back ask some questions before you ever let him back in.

 

What changes have you made internally that will allow the relationship to prosper?

What brought about these changes?

When did these changes begin?

How do you think we can best deal with the issues that caused our breakup(s) in the past?

 

This is your heart... don't just hand it back to someone whom is likely to hurt you again.

 

If they can't explain what changes they have made and give a "I know it can work out" line... they haven't matured. If they can't explain the internal converastion they had about the changes they likely haven't matured. If this happened a short time ago they may have rushed things and still are not ready. If they have not analyzed their past issues (you of course need to do the same as it is a two way street) then they have not matured enough to begin again.

 

I also do beleive that he will eventually break up with her, since the issues they had havent been solved...

 

However, I dont beleive that he will ever come back to me..In 1.5 month time I will be 150km away from this city, and he knows it. So maximum what I will get from his is a "Im sorry letter", which I dont think I will get either.

 

I have never been in this situation before, I think being a rebound is the worst..I just really cant beleive I have been a rebound..I still cant beleive it, even after you guys told me this...

[ZimboGon]

I also do beleive that he will eventually break up with her, since the issues they had havent been solved...

 

However, I dont beleive that he will ever come back to me..In 1.5 month time I will be 150km away from this city, and he knows it. So maximum what I will get from his is a "Im sorry letter", which I dont think I will get either.

 

I have never been in this situation before, I think being a rebound is the worst..I just really cant beleive I have been a rebound..I still cant beleive it, even after you guys told me this...

 

I have to disagree with Philosoraptor on this one. I don't feel he will come back to you either. It tends to work that way if you were his rebound. He will miss you for sometime, depending on how things work out with his ex but his feelings wont last long, and he'll move on.

 

You need to do the same, too. You need to find someone who truly cares about you enough not to do this. I really feel like he was just using you as a tool to get over his ex, but it didn't work.

[I have no title]

Not saying that at all. He most likely would have found another way to do so. His emotional clock ticked and he had not done any sort of healing.

 

Can you verify that he actually asked anyone anything? He could have just asked how to get back with his ex.

 

But none of this should matter as it will not help you heal. Work on yourself and let this person go.

 

the only thing I know for sure is that he talked about it with his friends...they knew everything that happened between us, so thats what made me beleive that he talked about it with his parents too..plus he even mentioned once before the break up, that he would like to talk to his father about our situation.

 

His gf is so lucky....I wish I had that guy...she is holding on to him so badly that nothing would actually make her let go of him...I think they will continue dating for quite a while....she is too bonded to his family...

 

But yes, I have been NC for 5 days now...and Im doing fine, but there is a part of me that hopes and keeps dreaming that one day, we will meet again, and then everything will work out for us...It sounds stupid and naive, I know..maybe we just met at the wrong time? ....

[I have no title]

I have to disagree with Philosoraptor on this one. I don't feel he will come back to you either. It tends to work that way if you were his rebound. He will miss you for sometime, depending on how things work out with his ex but his feelings wont last long, and he'll move on.

 

You need to do the same, too. You need to find someone who truly cares about you enough not to do this. I really feel like he was just using you as a tool to get over his ex, but it didn't work.

 

I can surely say he already moved on..He did miss me for sometime, and thats why he kept on texting me and talking to me...now, we didnt talk for 5 days and he feels fine about it..

 

And yes, for the first time now, I start beleiving that I was actually a rebound..I still dont get it why would he use me, if he had his ex in his hands...she loves him and he was the one to dump her, so he wasnt in pain or in despair...they are together now and he had no trouble getting her back.

[Philosoraptor]

I was just stating from what I've seen that someone who is not happy will bounce back and forth until the honeymoon runs out... then bounce to their other landing spot. It does not seem like this person is truly happy with the person he is with now either so he will bounce when things get tough.

 

It's sad to feel used. Instead of feeling miserable about things take this as a learning opportunity and never make the same mistake again.

[I have no title]

thank you for support Philosoraptor..

 

I feel pretty bad, and I want to move on....I still think he is a good guy though..

[Philosoraptor]

He may be a good person in many ways, but not in the mature relationship kind of way.

 

Never settle for less than true happiness and peace within yourself. There is no greater feeling

[Sugarkane]

I find this guys excuses not to breakup with his girlfriend extremely lame. He says he didn't want to hurt her, yet he didn't care that he hurt you though.