Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I wasn't sure where to put this because it falls under a lot of different categories. I'm just looking for support and someone to talk to I suppose. So, my mom is having severe mental health issues (again) and I'm having a baby shower a week from now that my extended family was all invited to. Well, NONE of them have rspvd. It's in a week... Now my dad is saying that I shouldn't have even agreed to this shower (even though it was my mom/sister's idea). I really wanted to have it mostly because it is in the city where my husband and I used to live and I want all my friends out there to come to it. They have all rsvpd to come, but thats like 7 people (out of 40 invited). I've gotten in fight after fight with my family about this and my husband hates to see me depressed over it. Any advice on what to do? I feel so stupid that I even agreed to this. Am I being selfish and overreacting?
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 You have every right to feel hurt by this. I get why your mom may not go because her health issues aren't good right now, but the rest of your family? WTF. How far of a drive is it for extended family? is that part of this? Just go and enjoy the shower, be with your friends. PS Why would having a baby shower be a mistake?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 The friends and / or family members who are hosting the baby shower are supposed to be the ones concerned with the RSVP's, etc. Your role should be that of honored guest. I'm sure it is a hurtful situation (even though I really don't understand it - does your family think it's inappropriate to have a giant party when your mom is in a crisis?) please just remove yourself from family fighting about who is or isn't coming, and let your sister handle the shower she is hosting for you. If only 7 people are coming, I hope she makes it wonderful for all of them, and for you too.
Art_Critic Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 LB.. whoever comes, comes.. whoever doesn't, doesn't.. It certainly isn't worth being upset over. 7+ of your friends is enough for a nice baby shower... enjoy it and let the rest go.. Is your sister still giving it ?
norajane Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I really wanted to have it mostly because it is in the city where my husband and I used to live and I want all my friends out there to come to it. They have all rsvpd to come OK, so all you really wanted was your friends to come to your shower, and they are coming. You're getting what you really wanted. I don't think you need to get bent out of shape because the others are not coming. What purpose does that serve? If they don't want to come, why would you want them there?
carhill Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Am I being selfish and overreacting? You're being pregnant. Enjoy the shower. It'll work out.
KathyM Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I would suggest you stop fighting with your relatives about this. Just tell them nicely that you hope they will come and you'd really appreciate it if they would be there. That's all you can do. You can't demand that they be there, you can't force them to be there, you shouldn't lay a guilt trip on them if they feel they can't be there for whatever reason. Just let them know you'd really appreciate it if they would come. And then let them decide. Don't pressure them, don't argue or insist. All you can do is tell them how much you would like them to be there, and then back off. Don't get into this pressuring mode. It's their decision to make if they want to come or not.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Thanks for the advice everyone. Most of all I want my dad to stop making me feel guilty about it. I know my mom is acting nuts and he has to deal with it, however that's not my fault and he's making me feel like it is. I am very happy that my firends are coming, but I didn't want them ONLY there. I wanted my family also. And it hurts me that they won't come becuase of my MOM. I just want them to overlook the fact that she is crazy and understand that I am not her. There are a few out of town people invited who I don't expect to come, but most of the extended family who has not rsvp'd live in town. I know isn't/shouldn't be my problem, it's my sister and mom's because they are throwing the shower. It's mostly my sister's though because my mom refuses to call any of my relatives to ask if they are coming. Ugh.
sunshinegirl Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I'm sorry you're dealing with that, LB! As others have said, I'd suggest that you focus on those who are choosing to come, enjoy having some special time celebrating the baby with them, and let your sister shoulder the burden about the rest of your family. Don't let the family drama dampen your excitement about your impending son!
norajane Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 And it hurts me that they won't come becuase of my MOM. I just want them to overlook the fact that she is crazy and understand that I am not her. Come on, LB. I understand that you're upset, but if your mom is crazy and "having severe mental health issues (again)", is it really hard for you to understand why people would want to avoid her? Especially at an event that is pretty much guaranteed to bring out the crazy (preparation stress, noise, lots of people in her space, etc.)? Since your mother is having "severe" mental health issues, maybe your dad is right and it is not a good time for her to be throwing a shower. Is your mother getting help for her problems right now?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Come on, LB. I understand that you're upset, but if your mom is crazy and "having severe mental health issues (again)", is it really hard for you to understand why people would want to avoid her? Especially at an event that is pretty much guaranteed to bring out the crazy (preparation stress, noise, lots of people in her space, etc.)? Since your mother is having "severe" mental health issues, maybe your dad is right and it is not a good time for her to be throwing a shower. Is your mother getting help for her problems right now? Oh, I understand why they would want to avoid her, but it's not HER shower, it's mine. I understand it, but I don't accept it. My mom got hospitilized about 5 weeks ago and when she got out she was GREAT.( and that's when she suggested that the shower happen and I agreed) She was on medication and it was actually working for like a few weeks. She JUST slipped back into a bad state of mind again about a week ago and that's why this is happening right now. Unfortuantely I should have factored that in, I guess it was wishful thinking.
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Strong likelihood she went off her meds. Sounds familiar. I used to put mom's Zyprexa in her favorite snack. Probably broke a bunch of laws but my sanity was more important. If you can't directly affect her care, let it go. Focus on your friends and the shower. The other stuff will work itself out. Emotional distance.
norajane Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Oh, I understand why they would want to avoid her, but it's not HER shower, it's mine. I understand it, but I don't accept it. A baby shower is a gift, not a right. The only thing you can change here is your perspective and attitude. Strive for grace rather than petulance and you will be a lot happier.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Strong likelihood she went off her meds. Sounds familiar. I used to put mom's Zyprexa in her favorite snack. Probably broke a bunch of laws but my sanity was more important. If you can't directly affect her care, let it go. Focus on your friends and the shower. The other stuff will work itself out. Emotional distance. She just went to the doctor, so chances are she got new meds also. So it may be that she went off the medication that was working or is now mixing it with some other crap. She used to doctor shop so she could get a bunch of different meds, she is probably doing that again. A baby shower is a gift, not a right. The only thing you can change here is your perspective and attitude. Strive for grace rather than petulance and you will be a lot happier. You're right. I don't think it's really even about the baby shower, I've just built up resentment that she manages to effect everything that our family does in a negative manner.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 So NONE of my family is coming to my shower..20+ people. My sister called them all and they gave excuses ranging from being sick to working, ect. I know that the real reason is my mother. Unfortuantely I did not handle receiving that news very well and pretty much screamed and told off my mom. Not a good idea, I know. I feel bad but I'm still angry at her for causing this drama. I just wish I could have a normal family.
carhill Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 OK, it's done. Now enjoy the shower. You're lucky to have some valued and valuable friends in your life, and a man who loves you. Soon you'll have a young mind to mold in your image of what *you and he* feel a healthy family should be. Life has bestowed upon you gifts. Time to celebrate
KathyM Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I think you need to understand that it's not your mother's fault that she's mentally ill. She can't help that she's mentally ill, and she can't help the behavior that occurs because of it. I'm sorry that you have to suffer the fallout for her illness, but to yell at her or berate her for something that she can't control is really not fair. Just enjoy the shower for what it is, and enjoy the fact that it is a nice intimate group of people who really want to be there. I've thrown a baby shower for relatives that were both small, intimate groups and large elaborate ones with all the relatives. The small ones were the nicest because of the intimacy of the group.
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