Buttercup84 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 He ended it in July and we lived together , we met when I was 25 , I'm 27 now . I dated guys , as in having short term flings but never had a boyfriend until I met him. We were briefly engaged , almost became patents ( long story ) . He had many girlfriends , I never was in love . I'm having a hard time dealing with it , I haven't had contact with him since October , just in December he emailed me about something I left behind and I have a short , business like response . I can't compare this to anything as I never experienced it . I'm seeing a thearapist , working , meeting friends , trying new hobbies etc . Is first love always the hardest to get over ? Thanks
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Of course the first breakup whilst in love is the hardest. You have an intense connnection with someone and it is severed and you haven't learned the skills to move forward from it. After it ends you need to find yourself again and become happy with who you are. Once you have that happiness you will have forgiven both yourself and your ex's mistakes from the past. At this point you will have found peace and can truly move on to better and greater things.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Thank you , that's nice . Hope you're doing better btw read some of your threads x
oldguy Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 All the truly worthwhile ones are the hardest to get over & I don't think you ever really do but it changes from hurt to that slight grin, I don't know how else to explain it.
SelfCentered Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) I'm not sure. No two people are the same, no two relationships are the same. If you have a good relationship and you're committed to a future with your partner a breakup is going to hurt whether it's your first, second or sixth lover. People have said to me after my last BU that it shouldn't hurt as I've gone through this before. My response is that breakup pain isn't a disease; beating it once doesn't make you immune to it in the future. That being said, I don't want to worry you about experiencing equal or worse pain in the future! The way I see it, you take the good with the bad. We prepare ourselves for potential heartbreak by remembering how amazing it can feel when it's going right! And who knows- the next one could very possibly be for keeps! Edited January 6, 2012 by SelfCentered
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Thank you , that's nice . Hope you're doing better btw read some of your threads x Thank you. I am doing very well as I found my inner peace awhile back. I'm not sure. No two people are the same, no two relationships are the same. If you have a good relationship and you're committed to a future with your partner a breakup is going to hurt whether it's your first, second or sixth lover. True, all breakups from a position of love are always going to hurt. The first will usually linger on longer though as with later heartbreaks you will know your path of healing.
fificremefarben Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Of course the first breakup whilst in love is the hardest. You have an intense connnection with someone and it is severed and you haven't learned the skills to move forward from it. After it ends you need to find yourself again and become happy with who you are. Once you have that happiness you will have forgiven both yourself and your ex's mistakes from the past. At this point you will have found peace and can truly move on to better and greater things. I agree with other posters that other relationships, if intense enough, will hurt just as bad. I really agree with Philosoraptor here, though, about not having learned the skills to deal with a breakup after the demise of your first real relationship. This breakup, my first love, absolutely knocked me for six. My friends actually (in a bantery kind of way, nothing nasty) jokingly referred to me as Peter Bretter (from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) for a while. I'll be better prepared to deal with it next time, and so will you. Chin up x
Mack05 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) Buttercup yes the first love is the probably the hardest to get over because its something you never experienced before (but as the other posters said above, not everyone is the same)..When you start to think about things with your head, when you start to logically, that is when you can really let go. Right now you are being lead by the heart, but as you have probably noticed in your recovery you are beginning to think more logically. As time goes by you will use the head more then the heart. Human Nature.. As a good friend of mine said to me yesterday -> "The most memorable people in your life will be the one's who loved you when you weren't very lovable". I have never had that in my whole life. When I wasn't "very lovable" they either they left or they used my personal problems against me. I guess I need to make myself more lovable, more of the time :-). Can you say that this guy loved you when you weren't very lovable? You already know the answer to that question. I feel right now it is your negative mindset that is stopping you from truly moving on. Right now you are one step forward, one step back. You are remembering him with rose tinted glasses, instead of focusing on the real issues -> YOU. He didn't treat you well enough one, so you should never long for, need validation or miss a man like that (this is logical thinking). You lost a baby and its clear there are self esteem issues, which you seem to want to push to one side and not want to deal with. It's easier just to focus on your ex and not your own issues right? It's not easy buttercup. I know this more than anyone, but you have got to start changing your mindset from glass half empty to glass half full..I wrote this in a PM to another LS user yesterday. I hope she doesn't mind me using this advice to give to you, because I see so many similarities in both your stories.. "I think Christmas is the hardest time of the year. You walk around shopping and/or go out with friends and you it seems you are surrounded by happy couples holding hands. You feel a lonelyness inside and want that feeling to go away. That is why so many people reach out to their ex's over Christmas. I bet when you were growing up and then become a woman you never visualized your dream guy treating you the way he did. All the emotional abuse, the 'put me downs', the online dating stuff. You deserve so much better then that. Lets assume he showed remorse and begged for you back, can you really trust a guy like this going forward? The only wany this guy will show remorse is if he wants something from you. These guys have a knack of saying the exact thing you need to hear and when we lead with our hearts, we lap up every word they say. What happens then is you get heartbroken further down the line and the pain is even worse. If you felt good within your self you would NEVER want this 'man' back and you wouldn't care if he showed remorse/cared for you or not. You would be too busy focusing on yourself and right now you are not doing that. Even if you got this guy back, he is not the kind of guy you should want to settle down with. You want a good man to be the father of your kids. A role model that they can look up to and respect. There is a saying water seeks its own level. Right now you feel you have low self worth and look at the guy you were with. Lets just say u got lucky and he was the sweetest guy ever, the relationship would still fail. When we have low self worth (I am still fighting this too) we tolerate far more then we should when a relationship goes wrong. When we have low self worth we look to a person to fill these emotional gaps within us. That is an impossible job. We then resent the other person for not fulfilling our emotional needs and wants. The truth is we need to fill our own emotional gaps. To become emotionally healthy people (google "learn how to feel your emotions"). There is no way you can be part of a special relationship until you find happiness and peace within yourself. You are looking at him to fill this emotional gap within you, but he never will or will any other guy. You need to do this work on your own. 2012 is a new year and look on it as a new start. Forget about resolutions they are a pile of bull*****. Instead have one goal this year. To find peace and happiness within your self. Come to terms with the loss of your baby and forgive yourself (and your ex). I have made this goal also and I have made drastic changes to achieve it. I am moving to Portugal (The algarve). I am going to spend 12 months on my own really getting to know myself. I am not going to over drink or over eat, gamble or reach out to friends when things get lonely and tough. I am just going to feel my feelings and sit with those uncomfortable moments until they pass. I am going to do something positive everyday (the bigger positive things are learning Portuguese and buying a bike instead of a car so that I get fit and see all the beauty of the Algarve from East to West). Most of these things will be small positive things, but they will be positive. Like I will eat fruit some mornings when I am gagging for a fry up. Run the beach, when I feel at my very laziest. Set yourself Goals for 2012 butter. Some small and some big. Document these goals. Remember the journal you had? What happened to that? Tick off the ones you achieve and if you miss a goal, don't beat yourself up and set yourself a new goal. The problem with resolutions is that when you inevitably fail from the high standards that you have set yourself, you go straight back into old habits. Be more flexible with your goals. Set goals that you can achieve with hard work and as I said if you fail create a new goal in its place. Write a journal and record everything in it. From dreams you had at night, to how you are feeling during a specific day. Try get yourself into a positive mindset (this will take time). When you feel that you are thinking negatively about yourself, automatically stop yourself and focus your thoughts elsewhere. When you feel you want to reach out to your ex distract yourself. Go back to your journal, read a good book, take a long hot bath with a cold glass of white wine, go to the gym, take a long walk. When your feeling lonely do something positive or do something relaxing. There will come a stage where you will feel better about yourself. When you reach that stage you will almost be ready for a new relationship. The thing is to be best prepared before you embark on something serious. When you next start dating (and it will happen) buy some books and prepare yourself so that you can be the best buttercup that you can be..Two books that will really help you.. 1) Is about relationship communication (why can't you read my mind). If you can master this (relationship communication) you can make a relationship work with anyone, providing you have the values, feelings, same moral code, interests and shared dreams for the future.. 2) Is about learning the thought process of a man and how to figure him out (for Women only). This will help you get understanding and if you both have that 'compromise' (one of the key words in a relationship) will be easier to achieve -> There is also a book like this for men and its helping me enormously.." Make this year your year. 2012. Forget about waiting for this guy to show remorse/come back. He is far too shallow for that. If he comes back and shows remorse, it is for his own selfish reasons. You are SOOOO much better then him. You are a great girl and the only thing stopping you from fullfilling your potential is you. I hope you change that in 2012 E. By going to Therapy, trying new things you are making more progress then you realise. Just keep your focus on you and the rest will take care of itself.. Edited January 6, 2012 by Mack05
SelfCentered Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 When we have low self worth (I am still fighting this too) we tolerate far more then we should when a relationship goes wrong. When we have low self worth we look to a person to fill these emotional gaps within us. That is an impossible job. We then resent the other person for not fulfilling our emotional needs and wants. The truth is we need to fill our own emotional gaps. To become emotionally healthy people (google "learn how to feel your emotions"). There is no way you can be part of a special relationship until you find happiness and peace within yourself. Man, that is just GOLD. I need to have this etched on the inside of my eye lids or something. 10/10.
I have no title Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Judging from my first love experience, I would say that it is the hardest to get over indeed. My first love was amazing and dramatic at the same time. The break-up really had a strong influence on me as a person. I have become another person after it, and I will never be the same again. I do still get heartache from other relationships but never as deep and as strong as the first love. Im over my first love now, but it was a long road.... Now I am stronger and I get over things easier, however, that still doesnt mean that the other break-ups dont hurt...
Bsham Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Love is THE most powerful force on earth. Losing a first love is the hardest and biggest growth period your soul will go through. To be honest it's one of the biggest tests you will go through in life. It's also something that needs to happen to everyone. I have never envied anyone who has fallen in love once and stayed with that person forever. I actually feel they won't achieve personal potential and strength as they never lost each other. They never went through mourning a first lover or experiencing anyone else they lost through a break up so they lack such an important part of individual growth. Congratulations on experiencing love for the first and welcome to learning a massive soul changing experience. Look forward to the positive changes this will bring for you after the mourning is over.
geegirl Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 My first love was the hardest to get over and 20 years have gone by and I've never quite met anyone that made me feel that way. It wasn't so much being that it was my first love, but who he was and how he treated me. It was the most painful feeling ending it with him. But it also tested me in so many ways other aspects, being that our relationship was frowned upon based on religion. The fight was harder, the love was stronger. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I'm sure there will be others coming my way but I don't ever believe it will ever be quite like that. I could be wrong, I hope so! This is one relationship I will always think about and ponder on fondly.
M2155 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 (edited) I can tell you my first love was pretty easy to get over. I cried, hurt, begged, etc... But I was in college so I probably had a lot of distractions to help too. I didn't fall for anyone for a couple years after him, but I wasn't an emotional wreck by any stretch. I think it was "easy" because it was actually a healthy relationship and we broke up for real....with a genuine conversation and no animosity. We later got back together for a couple months and neither of us were feeling it. So, at that point there isn't anything to hang onto and eventually, being as how we were in school anyway, we were friends. We still say hello here and there almost 15 yrs later but there is no feeling of course. What I DO appreciate is that he was a good guy that taught me a lot about a good relationship and I was very lucky to have that experience. I didn't grow up around healthy relationships and he was a great introduction to love. Healthy relationships have been "easier" for me to get over than twisted, uncommunicative and unbalanced relationships. I've had one or two, the last one most particularly that we're very unbalanced and I lost myself, gave too much and crashed the hardest emotionally. Because there is more there to deal with than just the pain of the relationship not working out. You've been emotionally put through the ringer and lost control. In the healthy relationships you're close enough to being on the same page that the ending shouldn't take the life out of you for years to come. You just have the fondest memories to look back and smile about. Just my experience anyway... Edited January 7, 2012 by M2155
sunflower11 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 For me..the first love has been the hardest to get over, but you DO get over them. It was probably..about two years until I was feeling better but that's because he kept contacting me once a month to keep his foot in the door..which I allowed him to cause I felt so lost without him, I was ok with one email a month. Very stupid..I realize it now. One day I didn't reply to his email and that was it! However, because we kept in touch often, I didn't experience that deep, emotional pain I felt with my last ex because he cut contact with me right after the breakup and ignored all my calls, emails and texts. That's when it really hit me how I didn't really..grieve with my first love and although this one has been hard too, I think with time, break ups get easier. I don't mean they hurt less, heck this last one hurt soooo much, but you learn to cope and I do think you pick up yourself faster. At least for me.
Stilnaught Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 In general, people here tend to have said what it comes down to i guess: it will always hurt if it was a superb relationship. The more you give, the more you lose ... I'm only just out of my own first huge crush-relationship, but i think i can imagine why the first 1 would be the heaviest: entering unburdened and with a lowered shield, will never be the case again (or at least, not like that). You will always carry the experience & the memory, even though it doesn't hurt from a certain point, you will always remain cautious. It's most likely the price of dying innocence & naivety. But then, that's just projecting my own situation on everyone.
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