All out in the open.

[Spark1111]

Hey DM...first off, wanted to say that it's glad to hear that you did the right thing by him after this was all said and done. You answered his questions, gave him what he needed to hear, and it sounds like you're taking the right tack of looking at this as a "done deal" now.

 

I'm curious about what I quoted above tho...and I apologize if I missed a reference to this somewhere else or in a previous post, but it sounds like you're now pending divorce because your SIL got wind of it and exposed the whole situation to your wife?

 

Is this something new and recent, or something you'd posted previously and I missed?

 

And I'm curious...what's your view on the end of your marriage in this circumstance?

 

Hang in there man...sounds like the situation is wrapping up and it'll be time to heal.

 

Owl, not to speak for DM, but he confessed the affair to his wife and she moved out and away immediately "to save her sanity." She will not speak to him and he assumes he is heading to divorce.

 

I believe the SIL works with him and either she, or his stbx wife, alerted the BH.....that is what DM suspects.

[despicableME]

Thanks for all the support.

 

From a BS's perspective: I believe she tried to throw you under the bus and on some level, he wasn't buying it.

 

I don't think she was "throwing me under the bus," but I do agree there were inconsistencies in her version. For one, she told her husband she never bought me anything, when in fact, she did- shirts, a tie(which she was adamant about putting it on me one morning before work), and some cologne. This I told him, and he looked at her with a cold stare-- NOT MY FAULT!

 

I believed the first version of events after their DDAY was that you were wildly attracted to her and pursued her and that you fell in love with her, ignored the wedding ring, and she got caught up in all your relentless attraction, had sex with you but never told you she loved you.

 

Maybe, but I think it was more him thinking this, than her telling him this version. I admit, she's a very attractive woman... I guess that's why its so hard for him to believe I didn't fall in love with her. She had told me before how some of the men at work were actively pursuing her, but she rebuffed them. Because I didn't resort to this, she was able to "open up" to me... she was more comfortable with me. I think that's where we went wrong... we got a little TOO comfortable with each other- It's all about boundaries.

 

You did not wildly pursue her: It was mutual.

 

Yes, it was mutual. I mean... I'm no slouch. I've had many opportunities to cheat before, but it never crossed my mind to actually do it. We were really close at one point(aside from the affair). Being in such close proximity only compounded the situation. Before the affair started we would often tell each other "I thought of you today." That's when we should've backed off. Too bad I only realized it after the fact.

 

You never even noticed her wedding ring because it was immaterial.

 

Exactly. I didn't think it mattered... we had met each others spouses, so we knew who we were decieving. The wedding rings were a farce and irrelevant, considering what we were doing.

 

Just to clarify.

 

I'm curious about what I quoted above tho...and I apologize if I missed a reference to this somewhere else or in a previous post, but it sounds like you're now pending divorce because your SIL got wind of it and exposed the whole situation to your wife?

 

 

Owl, not to speak for DM, but he confessed the affair to his wife and she moved out and away immediately "to save her sanity." She will not speak to him and he assumes he is heading to divorce.

 

I believe the SIL works with him and either she, or his stbx wife, alerted the BH.....that is what DM suspects.

 

My SIL exposed to him. I'm guessing my wife told her, and she went ahead about contacting him. I know this because he gave the name of the person who cotacted him. She does not work with me.

 

I moved out. My wife is still staying at our home. She asked me if I ever brought her(AP) to our home. I did not. She told me I was the one to leave, then.

 

I did manage to speak very briefly to my wife during the holidays, but she's still moving forward with the divorce. She told me to contact her via text or e-mail, and only concering the divorce(lawyers, finances, mutual assets). She doesn't want to see or hear me again.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for all the support.

 

 

 

I don't think she was "throwing me under the bus," but I do agree there were inconsistencies in her version. For one, she told her husband she never bought me anything, when in fact, she did- shirts, a tie(which she was adamant about putting it on me one morning before work), and some cologne. This I told him, and he looked at her with a cold stare-- NOT MY FAULT!

 

 

 

Maybe, but I think it was more him thinking this, than her telling him this version. I admit, she's a very attractive woman... I guess that's why its so hard for him to believe I didn't fall in love with her. She had told me before how some of the men at work were actively pursuing her, but she rebuffed them. Because I didn't resort to this, she was able to "open up" to me... she was more comfortable with me. I think that's where we went wrong... we got a little TOO comfortable with each other- It's all about boundaries.

 

 

 

Yes, it was mutual. I mean... I'm no slouch. I've had many opportunities to cheat before, but it never crossed my mind to actually do it. We were really close at one point(aside from the affair). Being in such close proximity only compounded the situation. Before the affair started we would often tell each other "I thought of you today." That's when we should've backed off. Too bad I only realized it after the fact.

 

 

 

Exactly. I didn't think it mattered... we had met each others spouses, so we knew who we were decieving. The wedding rings were a farce and irrelevant, considering what we were doing.

 

Just to clarify.

 

 

 

 

 

My SIL exposed to him. I'm guessing my wife told her, and she went ahead about contacting him. I know this because he gave the name of the person who cotacted him. She does not work with me.

 

I moved out. My wife is still staying at our home. She asked me if I ever brought her(AP) to our home. I did not. She told me I was the one to leave, then.

 

I did manage to speak very briefly to my wife during the holidays, but she's still moving forward with the divorce. She told me to contact her via text or e-mail, and only concering the divorce(lawyers, finances, mutual assets). She doesn't want to see or hear me again.

 

 

You don't have to answer and I would respect that...can I ask what you gained from this experience? I too as a fBS appreciate that you spoke with him. It is one less weight he will carry, as I believe it will for you.

[LadyGrey]

 

Thank you, LadyGrey for the advice.

 

You are welcome DM and I think you are a good man who made a bad decision as many others here including myself have at one time or another. It shows true character on your part to face it head on.

 

Concentrate on moving forward and forgiving yourself.

[MissBee]

You are welcome DM and I think you are a good man who made a bad decision as many others here including myself have at one time or another. It shows true character on your part to face it head on.

 

Concentrate on moving forward and forgiving yourself.

 

Agree! We all make poor choices from time to time but one sees the character of those who hide, deny and continue with the choice and those who own up to it, stop it and show penitence.

[thomasb]

I also think you did the right thing. Everyone can make mistakes but it takes a real man to admit it and try to atone. You did good!

[despicableME]

I'll answer.

 

The destructive nature of an affair.

 

How two people can destroy, while thinking they are building something "special."

[bentnotbroken]

I'll answer.

 

The destructive nature of an affair.

 

How two people can destroy, while thinking they are building something "special."

 

 

Thank you. Thomas is right.

[FightClub]

Hey DM,

 

I would like to echo everything that's been said so far, I think you did the right thing by following your feelings & thought process to tell the betrayed spouse.

 

One thing that really stands out in one of your posts, when you mention the conversations that involved 'I was thinking about you today', it stroke a cord with a memory I had.

 

In my experience with single ex-girlfriends, I don't ever recall them saying anything even remotely like that, in my long-distance EA, I would hear it quite often from exMW and I thought at the time that it was a clear indicator that we had a great connection, before the EA was ever full-blown it was nice to know that she thought about me.

 

Looking back at it you are right, it's a representation of a poor boundary, I would shoot back with a similar phrase and feeling and it just made everything that much more intense.

 

I think if you have a friend of the opposite sex who is married, it's best to not get caught up or allow those feelings to flourish, especially if that friend is platonic.

 

In my case, we were platonic up until a certain point and the rest as they say is history, one that I do not wish to repeat.

 

Good luck in your healing brotha, I have no doubt this is just a small step towards something greater for you, have faith in knowing that you can move forward with a clear conscious.

 

Godspeed,

 

-FC

Edited January 26, 2012 by FightClub

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you made a good decision in speaking to your ex other woman's husband.

 

You sound like a 'real man"....you admit your mistake and took responsibility for it

 

i think we can all learn from you

[Afishwithabike]

DE - You did the right thing talking to the OW's husband. I don't know how much closure you'll get from your talk with him, but I hope that you feel some measure of peace because you made things as right as you could have given what you did.

 

I haven't read all your other posts and I was wondering if you had asked your wife for a R before she decided to divorce or upon D-Day did she immediately decide D was the best course of action?

Edited January 26, 2012 by Afishwithabike

[beenburned]

DM,

I have read your post's, and want to say" you did a great job handling the d-day"! I wish you the best. Keep us updated.

 

I do have one question that I have a hard time understanding.

 

You had a 1 year affair. You said you didn't love the MOW. You said you did love your wife.

 

Why would you risk a good marriage and wife for the sake of some sex on the side?

 

Is this more common for men to do?

 

If so, is the reason simply they couldn't resist the lust they felt for the OW?

 

Or they just acted impulsively without thinking about the consequences ahead of time?

But if your affair was a year long, surely you thought about the risk to your marriage?

 

Maybe I should have started a new thread. Anyone that is/ or has been an OP is free to share their thoughts on this subject.

[despicableME]

One thing that really stands out in one of your posts, when you mention the conversations that involved 'I was thinking about you today', it stroke a cord with a memory I had.

 

 

I see you went through the same thing, except for the physical aspect of the affair.

 

I don't know how much closure you'll get from your talk with him, but I hope that you feel some measure of peace because you made things as right as you could have given what you did.

 

In some way I do feel more at peace, but the meeting was actually his(BS) moment for closure. He wanted answers only I could provide.

 

I hope they make it... I really do. I hold no resentment toward her.

 

I'd like to say we're(her and I) "good" people who made a horrific mistake, but its hard digesting that given what we've done to our spouses- they're forever scarred by this.

 

I was wondering if you had asked your wife for a R before she decided to divorce or upon D-Day did she immediately decide D was the best course of action?

 

No I didn't. She asked me to leave, and I accepted her request... in my mind, it was the least I could do.

 

Looking back, I should've fought for our marriage, but I was so lost and confused. I didn't know what to do, other than respect her wishes.

 

I vividly remember that day. She asked me if I ever brought AP into our home... I didn't. She said- "You need to leave... you don't belong here anymore."

 

You had a 1 year affair. You said you didn't love the MOW. You said you did love your wife.

 

I may have erred in describing my true feelings for her. I did love her, but not in that way. Like I said, we became real close before it "went there." I hate to even contemplate it, but she was a good friend. Am I wrong for thinking this? I feel like a POS calling her a "good" friend. I don't hate her... should I???

 

Sometimes I think it was inevitable for us to "fall into it." We were just too close. We had a very many things in common, and the proximity factor didn't help any. Interest in each other turned to infatuation(I caught myself thinking of her contstantly); infatuation turned to lust; and it pretty much picked-up speed after our initial encounter.

 

Why would you risk a good marriage and wife for the sake of some sex on the side?

 

Because I enjoyed it- plain and simple. I was being selfish. I had beautiful wife at home, while maintaining a NSA(or so I thought. t least on my end it was.) relationship with another beautiful woman. I don't think alot along the lines concerning the whole "stroking my ego" thing. I had women flirt with me before, so my ego wasn't an issue- I knew I was a good catch.

 

I don't think we believed it would become so intense. We didn't even think of "cooling it"... that is, until I had my so-called "moment of clarity." We were just addicted to each other.

 

Or they just acted impulsively without thinking about the consequences ahead of time?

 

 

But if your affair was a year long, surely you thought about the risk to your marriage?

 

Yes, I did. This only registered after maybe halfway through it, though. I was only after instant gratification... does that make sense? I was "in the moment" at the time- I only wanted her.

 

Like you stated- IMPULSE.

 

What keeps bothering me is the fact we didn't even try to break it off. It makes me feel like a total POS. I was getting my "fix" at the expense of my innocent wife's feelings, and her BS... maybe even at the expense of my AP, as she eventually fell in love.

Edited January 30, 2012 by despicableME

[woinlove]

I can't quite tell from your answers, DM, if you took your W and M for granted and didn't expect to lose her, or if you really weren't that committed so didn't care about the risk, i.e. were willing to lose her.

[woinlove]

Also, on the I knew I was a good catch, I'm afraid I don't agree. Maybe for a fling, you are a great catch, but I think many women would not consider a man who chooses dishonesty and disloyalty a great catch. Monogamy isn't important to me personally (to most, it is) but honesty, loyalty and trust certainly are. If you might want a committed R in the future (maybe you won't), do you think you need to change or do you still think you are a great catch as is?

[beenburned]

Wo,

 

I was just going to ask DM the same question about the state of his "good" marriage!

 

It does sound like he took his wife(and everything she contributed to the marriage to make it so good) for granted. I also wonder how their sex life was, and if they spent much time doing couple things.(had they drifted apart due to taking each other for granted)

 

However, I do disagree with your statement about DM not being a good catch.

I read on a lot of different kinds of boards. Their are a lot of OW/MOW that are fighting tooth and nail for a permanent relationship with their MM, some of whom are known serial cheaters!

 

But I do agree that if their new relationships don't have honesty, trust, and loyalty they won't last.

 

I think DM needs to search inside of himself to see if he believes or needs monogamy in future relationships. People do grow and change as they age.

 

DM,

 

Thank you so much for your honest answers to my questions!

It is this kind of deep thinking, about issues, that will lead to your success in the future with new relationships!

[Afishwithabike]

DM, thank you for answering my question.

 

I had a chance to read some of your older posts. If you don't mind me asking two more questions ... you mentioned the "things" you got into with the AP were intense. Were you not able to get into the very same activities with your wife..would she find them too shocking? Or was it more a case that you and W indulged in those same things at times but the intensity of those acts was lessened and replaced by familiarity?

 

I hope you keep posting on this board. You offer a balanced non-romanticized view of an affair.

[despicableME]

I can't quite tell from your answers, DM, if you took your W and M for granted and didn't expect to lose her, or if you really weren't that committed so didn't care about the risk, i.e. were willing to lose her.

 

No doubt about it- I took it for granted. I became too comfortable with my "situation."

 

Also, on the I knew I was a good catch, I'm afraid I don't agree.

 

I think you misunderstood. I was/am a "good catch" on paper... I'm educated; a professional; and my occupation holds some prestige. That's what I meant- the tangibles.

 

 

If you might want a committed R in the future (maybe you won't), do you think you need to change or do you still think you are a great catch as is?

 

I have a personal flaw. I guess you can say I've always been the "go-to-guy." The person who people would go to for advice because I was really grounded. Maybe in a way- through the affair- I was rebelling. I don't have a definite answer because I'm still searching for it. This is a work in progress. But yes, I do need to make some changes.

 

I also wonder how their sex life was, and if they spent much time doing couple things.(had they drifted apart due to taking each other for granted)

 

Without getting into too much detail(I got dinged before), our sex life was fulfilling. I had no complaints; I didn't hear any from her either. I enjoyed "touching" my wife in that way.

 

We took trips and went out just like any other couple.

 

I was living a double-life.

 

Thank you so much for your honest answers to my questions!

 

I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. I pull no punches.

 

I had a chance to read some of your older posts. If you don't mind me asking two more questions ... you mentioned the "things" you got into with the AP were intense. Were you not able to get into the very same activities with your wife..would she find them too shocking? Or was it more a case that you and W indulged in those same things at times but the intensity of those acts was lessened and replaced by familiarity?

 

The illicit nature of the affair really did a job on us- the "naughty" factor. I think it actually drove our "activities." In all honesty, we were wrong on so many levels that we figured- Why not get our kicks. I know how this might sound atrocious, but this is what was going through our heads at the time. Just blind, selfish lust. There were some tender moments. It wasn't all pornstar sex(sorry... maybe tmi).

 

My wife and I had a very active sex life, filled with "adventurous" situations. I don't recall, but we may have indulged in some of the same things. My wife is/was a bit of a submissive, which I liked. My AP was more agressive, which was a change of pace. She initiated many of the things we "got into." Once we got to know each other in that way, the ball rolled down a steep incline.

 

I saw my wife in a different light, than how I percieved my AP.

 

the intensity of those acts was lessened and replaced by familiarity?

 

Yes. Exactly.

 

You offer a balanced non-romanticized view of an affair.

 

There's nothing to romanticize about an affair- its a fantasy.

 

I read here way too often, where OM/OW believe in the rightiousness of an affair. The affair saved them from a meager existence. This is an escapist mentality, in my opinion.

Edited January 31, 2012 by despicableME

[thomasb]

I agree with you on how it progressed into an affair. Also I am an intelligent guy. I never thought I would get caught. I guess I thought I was all that and a bag of chips! I just didn't know how it would kill me inside. I progressively felt more and more like the piece of crap I was acting like. I found out just how humble I could be when my wife kicked me out and changed the locks. I begged for another chance. I would have gotten down on my knees if it would have helped.

[woinlove]

Thanks for the answers, DM, and best of luck figuring it out and changing so you don't put yourself and others you love or care about through this again.

[Spark1111]

Here is the sobering caveat:

 

NEW is exciting!

 

NEW is sexually intense!

 

NEW takes risks, is agressive, and fuels fantasies, especially if it is forbidden.

 

But new doesn't take care of you when you are sick, or bankrupt, or depressed, or splitting chores.

 

When NEW stops being NEW, or secret, or forbidden, it goes pssst....real quick. Loses its luster, its intensity, its fun.

 

It becomes a real relationship, one that grows familiar, less intense, less new.....

 

If you want sexual novelty and intensity, seek NEW about every two years.....

 

If you seek a love that endures....kill yourself to make your current love, the one who cares for you when sick, bankrupt, or depressed, NEW by breathing some fun, intensity, and sexual innovation into it.

 

Try to have that affair mentality with your long-term partner.

 

Those are the really, really lucky couples with the GREAT relationship that endures long-term.

 

The same woman who is submissive with a spouse (because she has perceived he likes to dominate her as it empowers him) is a crazy agressor with her lover.

 

Happens every day. She has nothing to risk nor lose long-term with her AP. She permits herself to unleash her inner tiger with him. He will be excited by her desire where her spouse may be somewhat threatened by it.

 

You get this, DM, yes?

[beenburned]

DM,

In what way did you see your wife differently after the affair was in progress?

 

Thomas,

Did this also happen to you? And why?

[despicableME]

You get this, DM, yes?

 

TOTALLY.

 

In what way did you see your wife differently after the affair was in progress?

 

It wasn't really due to the affair, per se. My wife was the same person day in, day out- very transparent. Even behind closed doors. I became aware how uptight and "orderly" she could be... please understand, this is not a knock on her. I hate to admit it, but my AP's spontaneity was a factor in realizing this. Somehow I feel as if I'm bashing her when I admit this. I feel like a real POS, right now.

Edited January 31, 2012 by despicableME

[melenkurion]

DM: I truly admire your courage in all this. You've faced up to things that I am not sure I would personally class as your responsibility. You've been incredibly honest, you've truly owned your responsibility in this. In all my experiences (both direct and second hand) this courage and honesty is a rare thing.

 

I hope you are able to find real enduring peace and happiness soon, you deserve that.

[beenburned]

DM,

It is easy to be spontaneous and adventurous when you don't have lots of daily responsibilities that have to be done.

 

This is why people are able to really let go when they are on a vacation. We have always had daily adventurous sex on our vacations.

 

This is another reason why affairs are referred to as fantasy's. Even the OW that get their MM, become bored with them when living together.(especially when they don't do their fair share of all the chores)