He can't get a job...and it's worrying me.

[mtber75]

Well I've never financially supported him or needed to. He pays for his own way on everything so that's a reason why I've been hesitant to bring it up because it hasn't affected me, financially at all...

 

He has no debt - and his student loans are paid for.

 

I have a good job and could financially support the both of us but I am not ok supporting a guy that is fully able to work but chooses not to. We don't have kids or some insane mortgage - he's able to work and claims he really does want to (as long as it's a job he wants...) so I think it's a bad idea to start supporting him financially. It could lead to much trouble later on.

 

Well, your supporting him emotionally! Whether he really wants to work or not...He has you to lean on like a mother so he really don't have any urgency? He needs to be practical and get a JOB that pays the bills. You need to be more forward in your intentions and yes that means be more nagging. Just because his able to pay now don't mean he'll be able to in the future?

[Eddie Edirol]

VSMini, maybe I can shed some light on him.

 

He is a creative guy, and was successful at it. What youre dealing with I think is worse than just someone who cant find work. I am a creative guy like him, and I make money doing it. At this level, you get used to focusing all of your brainpower to make that project successful, and stay in the creative state of mind, and come up with brilliance out of the blue.

 

Its hard to do that when you have to take a day job at McDonalds until a project comes up. When youre at this stage of success, working at McDonalds is inconceivable because you cant focus on the job, to do it right, and you wind up getting fired, which makes you feel worse than not taking the job in the first place.

 

What I wonder if is he is not compromising on these job interviews. For instance, its an editing job (which sucks) for discover channel, and he realizes he doesnt want to be a grunt. He can easily blow the interview by looking like he just needs the job until his next project pops off. Say the wrong things, and easy job goes by you.

 

I know someone who wanted to stay creative and wouldnt take day jobs like I did. He still lives with his parents at almost 40 with his wife. He finally landed a job in a music house doing production, but Im sure his wife nagged him to do it because he has never really brought in income until this point.

 

The stubborn creative type like your bf, (if my assessment is correct) will only do creative jobs, that relate to what he really wants to do. I feel bad for you, because if he wont take anything else, youre in for a long haul.

[FitChick]

The stubborn creative type like your bf, (if my assessment is correct) will only do creative jobs, that relate to what he really wants to do. I feel bad for you, because if he wont take anything else, youre in for a long haul.

 

And not just supporting him but paying off his credit cards. Tell him to cancel them and only keep one. That should motivate him. What else does he want to do? I believe Robert Ludlum was an actor, couldn't get enough work so turned to writing and became a bestselling author. So sometimes one door shuts and another one opens.

[PhillyDude]

I've been dating someone for just over a year and it's going really well. We're both 30, on the same page with things that are important to us, live together and are on the way to being engaged (at least within the next year).

 

My only issue is his employment status. He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job. He moved to the city last year with quite a large sum of savings almost at 30K (from working at his last job) but after city rent and living expences it's now dwindled to near nothing. He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying.

 

I've suggested doing something basic, entry-level just so he can get a paycheck coming in but he just can't wrap his head around working at a drugstore or a starbucks after his good employment in the past. I think he feels he's too old for that. But what choice does he have?

 

I've tried my hardest to be supportive and not nag him or discuss it too much with him and emasculate him in the process but today I brought up that I was concerned and he got really down. I told him it's been a year and though I know he's capable of working, the time we've been together he has not had a job and that I'm concerned. I also never brought it up in the past because we split things 50/50 and he pays his share of the rent - financially I do not carry any of his weight...so really, how much can i complain? I can't - I just want to see him get a job - I guess it's his lack of motivation for finding a job is what worries me...because he says he is really stressed out about his nearing-zero savings balance.

 

We're usually such great communicators but he really shut down after I talked to him.

 

advice?

 

 

You are the reason it should be a Happy Singles Day

[2sunny]

Generally - in order for someone to understand what is GOING to happen - they need to have a plan.

 

Intent is everything. IF he INTENDS to get a job - he would get one. He CAN work any job.

 

He may be holding out for a great job. That's not gonna do it in this economy... He's gonna need to take ANY job. Some money is better than NO money.

 

He needs to start PLANNING. If he doesn't ever have a plan - that would be a deal breaker for me - in a long term relationship.

 

No plan - no work - no future. Unless you plan to have him be unemployed throughout the M and want to work like a dog to support you, him and the kids.

 

It's bound to look that way unless he starts getting a plan together- and starts implementing the action he needs to make his plan happen.

[Carlos S]

If you really are up for marriage, this is the time to prove it. Support him and be prepared to make some sacrifices.

 

I think I support this position.

 

From what I hear, he looks like he's trying pretty hard to find gainful employment. He went to college, so he has some formal training and education related to his area of work. He's working on his project, so he's doing something productive with his time. He's looking for work and landing job interviews. He's not being offered jobs, but that's not particularly unusual at this time. Although I just hope he's working really hard at networking and looking regionally.

 

I have to say that I think the discussion about getting a job "beneath him" is somewhat of a distraction. It's not as simple as taking a job at Starbucks or White Castle (I've never tried it, but I hear good things - and I'm not even a stoner). From what I understand about the US, there's just not that much work going around, full stop. That's what characterizes recessions and downturns. Fortunately, the job market looks like it's picking up.

 

I see no reason to stand by his side. Maybe help him to find some connections. If you're a proper couple, I'm sure he'd do the same for you.

[vsmini]

I'd like to ask you - what DOES he do all day long everyday?

 

How many hours EACH day is he FOCUSED on obtaining a job? Any job?

 

Remind him - some money is better than NO money.

 

I'd be concerned what his plan is when his savings runs out.

 

Ask him what the plan is.

 

IF he doesn't have an idea - you may want to rethink being with him... Unless you don't mind a guy who has no plan and no energy to get a plan - and doesn't make the effort to even come up with the energy to focus about carrying any plan out.

 

What's attractive about a man with no direction?

 

I did ask him what his plan was and he said "I don't know" over and over again - as stated in my OP

 

Apparently 1/2 of people (myself included) think I'm justified in asking him what his plan is as his live-in girlfriend. The other 1/2 seem to think this makes me a horrible girlfriend that nags and doesn't support him. No clue where people are getting that from as everything I've written clearly negates that.

 

I suspect the people that jump to the latter conclusion are single twats that want to think the ladies of the world are cold-hearted, unsupportive b*tches so they can continue to be ok with not finding anyone.

 

This thread has only strengthened my belief that I have a right to have some questions and I'm no longer seeking validation. A lot of people have made some excellent points and have inspired me to support him even further. I appreciate everyone's insight.

 

Can we close this thread now? Because pretty much the same stuff is just being said over and over again.

[Imajerk17]

vsmini--

 

I am really sorry to hear. I was hoping that your latest update would be the good news that he found a job and this would all be moot.

 

I don't know what to say. On the one hand, I get what this guy is going through. On the other hand, you are a stakeholder in this situation too. And it's a month later too, so the urgency is picking up.

[kaylan]

Your boyfriend needs to change his attitude. He cant be practically out of money now and think hes too good for any job. Because then you will have to take care of both of you, or he will have to increase his debt with credit cards he cant pay off. Those are last resorts when he cant find any job in general.

 

However, hes just being a snob about work. He needs to work and beggars cant be choosers. And considering the fact that hes turning down jobs that are "beneath him" he wouldnt qualify for unemployment either.

[zengirl]

Your boyfriend needs to change his attitude. He cant be practically out of money now and think hes too good for any job. Because then you will have to take care of both of you, or he will have to increase his debt with credit cards he cant pay off. Those are last resorts when he cant find any job in general.

 

However, hes just being a snob about work. He needs to work and beggars cant be choosers. And considering the fact that hes turning down jobs that are "beneath him" he wouldnt qualify for unemployment either.

 

You can qualify for unemployment in some states if you haven't exhausted benefits and have previously made more money than the offers you're getting (it may be a certain % more). It doesn't disqualify you to turn down jobs; it does to not apply or stop looking.

[maybealone]

Personaly I think her worrying about him is pointless. The better thing for her to do would have it in her mind what she's going to do if he needs her help. Is she going to say stay here rent free for a month and pay me back when you get a job but I'm going to have to ask you to leave after a month if you still arn't working. She just needs to work on what she can control. Her nagging and fighting with him won't help anything.

 

From what I have read here, she is NOT nagging and fighting with him. She has cut him way more slack than most people would of a live-in significant other.

 

I realize the savings account he is burning through is his, but this may be his attitude on money or his work ethic in general. Having similar views of money and similar work ethics are important in a LTR, in my opinion. If he's not a planner then it's likely that he won't change, so Dust might be right: You need to plan for how you will handle this situation when his money is completely gone. And how you will handle it if you ended up marrying him and this happened again, only with the savings, retirement, and credit cards being jointly held.

 

I, too, get what this guy is going through. But I also know what it's like to be in a relationship where work ethic, the level of desire to do whatever it takes to pay the bills, the need to have plans, and views on saving for the future are very different. These can be big issues for a couple.

[kaylan]

You can qualify for unemployment in some states if you haven't exhausted benefits and have previously made more money than the offers you're getting (it may be a certain % more). It doesn't disqualify you to turn down jobs; it does to not apply or stop looking.

It disqualifies you if you turn down fulltime jobs that would pay more than the unemployment. Hes doing that. However, theres really no way for the government to know what hes turning down.

[kaylan]

Unemployment is a retarded thing to qualify for. You have to work and make certain amount of money over about a 7 month period. Even if you make a million dollars over a 5 month period and pay way more taxs then the guy making 7$ an hour over say an 8 month period he'll qualify you won't.

 

Personaly I think her worrying about him is pointless. The better thing for her to do would have it in her mind what she's going to do if he needs her help. Is she going to say stay here rent free for a month and pay me back when you get a job but I'm going to have to ask you to leave after a month if you still arn't working. She just needs to work on what she can control. Her nagging and fighting with him won't help anything.

Yeah its pointless to worry about someone whos supposed to pay half the rent and expenses and will have to start using credit cards because he is unemployed and out of cash....suurrree:rolleyes:

 

She hasnt nagged or fought him at all on this. Read her posts thoroughly please.

 

Why is his behavior at all acceptable? A big part of the reason he is unemployed is because hes got a stick in his azz and feels too entitled to work somewhere he doesnt like for the time being just to make cash. He sounds annoying privileged and immature in my opinion.

 

This is why people make fun of snobby folks like him who went to top universities and made good money as soon as they got out. They have no idea what it means to struggle, and when they do struggle, they think they are too good to do what the rest of us have to do to get out of a hole.

 

From what I have read here, she is NOT nagging and fighting with him. She has cut him way more slack than most people would of a live-in significant other.

 

I realize the savings account he is burning through is his, but this may be his attitude on money or his work ethic in general. Having similar views of money and similar work ethics are important in a LTR, in my opinion. If he's not a planner then it's likely that he won't change, so Dust might be right: You need to plan for how you will handle this situation when his money is completely gone. And how you will handle it if you ended up marrying him and this happened again, only with the savings, retirement, and credit cards being jointly held.

 

I, too, get what this guy is going through. But I also know what it's like to be in a relationship where work ethic, the level of desire to do whatever it takes to pay the bills, the need to have plans, and views on saving for the future are very different. These can be big issues for a couple.

^This.

 

What do some of the posters in this thread expect the OP to do? Go broke trying to take care of the both of them? Itd be a different situation if he couldnt find a job at all, but he chooses to stay unemployed right now until he finds exactly what he wants. Thats a crap attitude, especially in this economy.

 

And his next plan is to use credit cards he cant even pay off? Wow talk about silly. Instead of working hes going to put himself in debt. Stupid.

 

EDIT: I feel some of the folks responding arent being objective and are simply sticking up for the dude because hes a fellow male. Lord knows the male posters would be singing a different tune if a woman tried to pull this crap and felt she was too good for certain jobs while living with her boyfriend.

Edited February 16, 2012 by kaylan

[Mrlonelyone]

To the OP.

 

Vismini take a look at this picture and quote and consider what it says.

 

http://scottesavage.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/will-smith-quote-re-struggle-n-success.jpg

 

If you're absent during my struggle don't expect to be present during my success.

 

This man can make a good living. He can get a job when he really needs one. Trust that he will.

 

As for long term committment i.e. marriage consider the vows.

For richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health,

for better or worse,

as long as you both shall live.

 

Par of a truly committed relationship is that the real test are times like this.

 

@Kaylan

 

1.) If the genders were reversed would this even be a forum topic? Men where the so called "bread winners" in society for a long time.

 

2.) One of the good things about a relationship is you have someone to lean on when things are down. This guy has $$$$$$ in the bank still. Just what her idea of "dwindled to nothing" is could be he has only enough to last another 6 months or so.

[kaylan]

To the OP.

 

Vismini take a look at this picture and quote and consider what it says.

 

http://scottesavage.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/will-smith-quote-re-struggle-n-success.jpg

 

If you're absent during my struggle don't expect to be present during my success.

 

This man can make a good living. He can get a job when he really needs one. Trust that he will.

While the quote has some merit, things arent as simple as you are making it.

 

If this guy was easily able to get a job when he really needed one, hed have one already. Times are tough in the this country and the dude really needs a job now and doesnt have it. His savings are practically gone and hes gonna start living on credit cards he cant pay.

 

Its been a month since OP made this thread and hes made no progress. Hes being irresponsible. You have to be realistic and realize that.

 

As for long term committment i.e. marriage consider the vows.

For richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health,

for better or worse,

as long as you both shall live.

 

Par of a truly committed relationship is that the real test are times like this.

Those vows are true, but I only think they are true when someone doesnt willfully keep themselves in a bad situation.

 

Refusing to take available work, or making ones self sick, or constantly putting yourself in bad situations, makes it perfectly understandable when a partner has strong concerns about an issue.

 

I agree that OP should tough it out for a bit and see where things go, but she shouldnt have to stay tight lipped about the situation. Nor should she feel that she is absolutely obligated to deal with his poor decisions for too long. If things get super bad in the future (hopefully not) then OP will have important decisions to make.. Hes gotta be a responsible adult right now.

 

@Kaylan

 

1.) If the genders were reversed would this even be a forum topic? Men where the so called "bread winners" in society for a long time.

Have you seen the way many guys on this forum talk about women and finances? Of course there would be a thread about this if the genders were reversed. Its one thing to be the bread winner, but its entirely different if a woman was sticking her nose up at certain jobs and willing to go into debt instead of work certain places.

 

That would turn off a lot of guys, and some would start feeling that she was expecting him to simply take care of her when she had no money left. A lot of dudes would think she was expecting to take advantage.

 

Sure men are usually the bread winners. But not in the same way they were years ago. Times have changed, roles have changed a bit, and its become so expensive to live comfortably that many couples and families must have two incomes coming into the household.

 

Back in the day, male bread winners were expected to take care of a woman 100% financially. Now a days that isnt the case with a lot of households. While the guy may still make more money most of the time and will technically be the breadwinner, women will be expected to work and chip in. If she showed an inability or unwillingness to do show, you bet your butt that thered be a thread about it.

 

As I said, just look around the forum. Hell, even search the internet. There are guys out there who are getting bent out of shape because all of a sudden their wife decides she wants to quit her job and be a stay at home mom and have him take care of all the finances. Even if her income is needed. I found that out when a poster mentioned it in an older thread.

 

 

2.) One of the good things about a relationship is you have someone to lean on when things are down. This guy has $$$$$$ in the bank still. Just what her idea of "dwindled to nothing" is could be he has only enough to last another 6 months or so.

Yes having someone to lean on is great. But obviously when our mates lean on us, we want to see them actually be proactive about making things better.

 

And did you read anything the OP has said? She specifically said his money is about gone, and that hes about to resort to using credit cards and putting himself in debt. Your assertion that he might have six months of cash stowed away is wishful speculation at best. Not a fact at all.

Edited February 16, 2012 by kaylan

[FitChick]

What could very well happen if she continues to support him is he will feel emasculated and ashamed. To boost his ego, he could have affairs with women even worse off than he is so he feels "like a real man." Something similar happened to me and, coincidentally, he had delusions of becoming a screenwriter and wrote the most godawful piece of rubbish!

[maybealone]

If you're absent during my struggle don't expect to be present during my success.

 

I think for this quote to apply, there would have to be a struggle. Someone who is unemployed and who is not applying for jobs or formulating a plan beyond using up savings and then moving on to credit cards is not struggling, he's avoiding the real world. It would be like expecting a partner to take care of an alcoholic despite the other person being content as an alcoholic and having no desire to get sober.

 

I don't think commitment, even marriage vows, are a license for one partner to not act like an adult.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Maybealone

 

This guy isn't being as irresponsible as you just made him out to be.

 

He had 30,000 in savings when he moved to be with her "last year". (When "last year"? October, November or say January 2011. The OP does not say.)

 

The OP says he has been paying his half of the rent, and she hasn't had to carry any of his weight at all.

 

Point 1) If his moving last year means he moved in say November or even July of 2011 he still has over 10,000 dollars left. He's hardly desperate or a bum.

 

The OP says he has turned down "jobs".

 

Let me put it to you this way. When I look for a job I get allot of "lucrative" job offers to be a telemarketer. I say "lucrative" in quotes because those jobs are for commissioned sales. Which in reality unless you are a top earner you make a fraction of that ammount, or nothing at all.

 

point2.) If these jobs the OP's BF are being offered are in sales or marketing of some kind then he could just end up spending more money to go to work than he would make at work. That would be due to being paid on commission instead of by the hour.

 

 

My advice is only this. The OP should stick with him until he actually runs out of money. If he does not get a job by then that's a problem.

[maybealone]

This guy isn't being as irresponsible as you just made him out to be.

 

He had 30,000 in savings when he moved to be with her "last year". (When "last year"? October, November or say January 2011. The OP does not say.)

 

The OP says he has been paying his half of the rent, and she hasn't had to carry any of his weight at all.

 

Point 1) If his moving last year means he moved in say November or even July of 2011 he still has over 10,000 dollars left. He's hardly desperate or a bum.

 

I can only go by what the OP said, which is that he has one more month of living expenses left and then he is going to finance his living expenses on credit cards. That, to me, does not sound responsible.

 

I can agree that she should stick it out that last month and then see what happens. But I also think that his attitude and lack of planning is something that should be taken into consideration before marriage and children. I'm not judging him and saying his attitude towards money and his work ethic are bad -- I'm just saying that many LTRs work out better when each partner has similar attitudes and work ethic.

 

For example, when one person is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure the bills are paid and the other would rather incur debt and pay it off when the perfect job comes along, that could be a problem in the long run. I'm not saying that is how the OP and her bf are, I'm just saying that IF their views are different, THEN that is something to think about.

[ffw]

OP, just like to add my 2 cents before you close this thread. It may or may not help to get a clear picture. In some ways, I was in your BF's shoes 3 years back. At that time, I was struggling to get a job, which got prolonged for a year.

 

As I look back, the problem was not whether I could get a small job or not. The problem was my ego, my achievements & a clear goal with what I want to do in life. The only person who encouraged me beside my mom was my ex-gf. She always believed me & hardly ever criticized me even though it took time for me to get the job I wanted. Looking back now, it could not have made any difference to me even if she had criticized. I couldn't have taken the small jobs.

 

I am not giving you any advice with what you should or should not do. I am sure you are doing what you think is the best for you & your relationship. Also, I have no intention to compare you with anyone. My reply is neutral-based. GL.

Edited February 17, 2012 by ffw

[setsenia]

My situation is very similar to yours. My husband and I met working at a local grocery store. He's several years older and when I graduated high school, we both went to community college together. Now he has an AA degree in Business and we're studying at a 4 year private University. He has also only had a cumulative employment of slightly over a year in the last 4-5 years of living on our own. I know the bad economy the primary reason, (we moved out right when the economy fell) so he hasn't had steady work since we worked at the grocer. Now that he has an AA degree, he's still having difficulties, but that's mainly because the field of work he wants to get into requires considerable experience. In my area, it's very expensive to live and many employers do not even want to pay close to a living wage. For him, he definitely needs to gain experience to utilize his degree rather than taking a job such as Starbucks etc that won't provide more than unemployment. Nothing is worse than jumping job to job. You don't want to take a job "just for the money" and then hop to something else. Many prospective employers will want to know why you worked at that job, what you enjoyed and so on. Sounds like your boyfriend has plenty of experience, so that's no an issue it sounds like. Just try and encourage him to do the best he can. With the economy the way it is, it's very easy to become discouraged.

[kaylan]

I can only go by what the OP said, which is that he has one more month of living expenses left and then he is going to finance his living expenses on credit cards. That, to me, does not sound responsible.

 

I can agree that she should stick it out that last month and then see what happens. But I also think that his attitude and lack of planning is something that should be taken into consideration before marriage and children. I'm not judging him and saying his attitude towards money and his work ethic are bad -- I'm just saying that many LTRs work out better when each partner has similar attitudes and work ethic.

 

For example, when one person is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure the bills are paid and the other would rather incur debt and pay it off when the perfect job comes along, that could be a problem in the long run. I'm not saying that is how the OP and her bf are, I'm just saying that IF their views are different, THEN that is something to think about.

^This.

 

Bolded for truth.

 

My situation is very similar to yours. My husband and I met working at a local grocery store. He's several years older and when I graduated high school, we both went to community college together. Now he has an AA degree in Business and we're studying at a 4 year private University. He has also only had a cumulative employment of slightly over a year in the last 4-5 years of living on our own. I know the bad economy the primary reason, (we moved out right when the economy fell) so he hasn't had steady work since we worked at the grocer. Now that he has an AA degree, he's still having difficulties, but that's mainly because the field of work he wants to get into requires considerable experience. In my area, it's very expensive to live and many employers do not even want to pay close to a living wage. For him, he definitely needs to gain experience to utilize his degree rather than taking a job such as Starbucks etc that won't provide more than unemployment. Nothing is worse than jumping job to job. You don't want to take a job "just for the money" and then hop to something else. Many prospective employers will want to know why you worked at that job, what you enjoyed and so on. Sounds like your boyfriend has plenty of experience, so that's no an issue it sounds like. Just try and encourage him to do the best he can. With the economy the way it is, it's very easy to become discouraged.

But when you have bills to pay, you take the jobs you have to in order to respobsilbly pay your bills. You dont incur debt in order to pay bills.

 

He could easily take a lesser job and keep looking for the perfect job he wants. Its not jumping from job to job when someone moves to a new area and takes a job to make ends meet when theres nothing available in his field. Prospective employers would look at him as being responsible and taking care of what he has to take care of at home.

 

Also, he doesnt absolutely have to tell them about that particular lesser job he took. Ive had a bunch of jobs after I graduated high school and throughout undergrad. I dont include every single job on my resume because its not imperative that I include all that info. However most people will understand that I was just a kid doing flexible work that fit into my class schedule for 4 years.

Edited February 17, 2012 by kaylan

[2sunny]

When he changes his attitude and perspective - that is when things will look better for him.

 

As long as he doesn't devise a plan - one that leaves his huge ego out of that plan - that is when he will obtain a job.

 

Racking up Meredith card debt isn't the answer... When any job would be his solution.

 

He can still look for other work too, while he's working.

 

It's easier to get a job while working than while not working.

 

He can work two or three jobs if need be...IF he gets willing to take anything!

 

Anything is better than paying rent and food onto a credit card.

 

Make money! Make any money instead of living off of credit!

 

I don't think it's too much to ask - for him to obtain a solid way for OP to understand he will carry his half of the responsibilities.

 

It's HIS - not hers!

 

It's about to become hers IF she doesn't state the obvious.

 

You CAN get another room mate. He can move somewhere else - look for work - and live the way he wants to... BUT it doesn't have to be your responsibility to worry over HIM and HIS lack of accepting job!

 

He can ASK for the job when he interviews! Has he done that? "hey, I need to work- can I start tomorrow?"

 

His ego may be in he way... YOU can't fix that part for him.

[Lostinlife4now]

It surely sounds like he is depressed.....Get him to a doctor...he needs an anti-depressant!!!! Please don't discount depression!!!!!