Emilia Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 If I were you, I would hold off on getting involved as long as he is still paying his way. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really don't think anyone should try to control what their partner does if it is not adversely affecting them personally. If he decides that he has enough savings to hold out for his ideal job, and he is not taking any from you, that is entirely his prerogative. Disagree completely. They live together and they are talking about engagement. You can't marry someone if the two of you disagree on the importance of financial stability.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 IMO, this is the nuts and bolts of compatibility. His refusal to bend on the health insurance issue and stating that his finances aren't really any of your concern flies in the face of your statement that he is good at compromising. What exactly is he good at compromising about? You're a year in, already living together and talking engagement. I hope this can be resolved. Well to be fair - him not wanting health insurance is his personal choice and him not having health insurance does not directly affect me now that we are dating. He has agreed that when we are married and/or have children he will of course get health/life insurance. That is compromising. It's not so black and white - as most things are not. And how much can he really bend on the health insurance issue? - it's either he has it or he doesn't...if he gets it at my demand then I'm the one not compromising...correct?
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Disagree completely. They live together and they are talking about engagement. You can't marry someone if the two of you disagree on the importance of financial stability. Thank you. We do agree on the importance of financial stability when we talk about it but his actions are not backing up his words. I think he's going into a bit of a spiral where it's been so long and has been rejected so many times that depression is creeping in.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Thank you. We do agree on the importance of financial stability when we talk about it but his actions are not backing up his words. I think he's going into a bit of a spiral where it's been so long and has been rejected so many times that depression is creeping in. Yup. That's where I am with my job search. Except, I have put applications in for things like retail sales associate and other "kid jobs". Still nothing. It's very disheartening. On the other hand though, would he even be able to support himself with a job paying minimum wage or ten dollars an hour or whatever they'd pay?
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) Yup. That's where I am with my job search. Except, I have put applications in for things like retail sales associate and other "kid jobs". Still nothing. It's very disheartening. On the other hand though, would he even be able to support himself with a job paying minimum wage or ten dollars an hour or whatever they'd pay? Yes - he could make rent, utilities and grocery bills. He has no debt so that helps. He can make money stretch like you wouldn't believe...and without coming off as cheap or annoyingly frugal. It's amazing...I've never seen anything like it. Somebody here said where they live one could only live on 30K cash for 7 or 8 months and that's if they were eating ramen noodles every night. We live in NYC and when sharing an apartment you can easily live off of that. I'm smart with money and not overly frugal and I live off of about 40 K a year (after taxes) and have money to put towards savings...so I don't know what people are doing with their money.... Edited January 6, 2012 by vsmini
aj22one Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Yes - he could make rent, utilities and grocery bills. He has no debt so that helps. He can make money stretch like you wouldn't believe...and without coming off as cheap or annoyingly frugal. It's amazing...I've never seen anything like it. Somebody here said where they live one could only live on 30K cash for 7 or 8 months and that's if they were eating ramen noodles every night. We live in NYC and when sharing an apartment you can easily live off of that. I'm smart with money and not overly frugal and I live off of about 40 K a year (after taxes) and have money to put towards savings...so I don't know what people are doing with their money.... Ha. That was me. It was a slight exaggeration. I just totaled up my utilities, rent, food, insurance, internet, etc. and if I skimped like I said it comes to 31k a year. Still pretty expensive. But, that's A-town for you.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Ha. That was me. It was a slight exaggeration. I just totaled up my utilities, rent, food, insurance, internet, etc. and if I skimped like I said it comes to 31k a year. Still pretty expensive. But, that's A-town for you. Yea - the upside to living in NYC is that we don't have to worry about car payments/insurance and that's a huge help.
carhill Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 And how much can he really bend on the health insurance issue? - it's either he has it or he doesn't...if he gets it at my demand then I'm the one not compromising...correct? Compromise would be validating your concerns over his not having insurance and how that reality could affect your relationship should he become ill or injured and working out a plan together to mitigate that risk in the present. Saying that someday in the nebulous future of course he would have health insurance is not compromise. That's blowing sunshine up your butt. Perhaps that sounds harsh but as a man with a lot of road under his tires I know how men bullshyte women. Compromise exists in the *present*, the *now*, and is supported by *actions*. You proposed a compromise, a bend, that you would add him to your insurance and pay the premium temporarily. He summarily refused that bend but added no plan of action of his own, no bookend on your idea which validated it as a positive step. Continuing, what's his bend on the job situation? You said he's lousy at planning and doesn't have a plan. Is that it? Done? Where's the bend? If there is no bend, breakage is bound to occur.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Compromise would be validating your concerns over his not having insurance and how that reality could affect your relationship should he become ill or injured and working out a plan together to mitigate that risk in the present. Saying that someday in the nebulous future of course he would have health insurance is not compromise. That's blowing sunshine up your butt. Perhaps that sounds harsh but as a man with a lot of road under his tires I know how men bullshyte women. Compromise exists in the *present*, the *now*, and is supported by *actions*. You proposed a compromise, a bend, that you would add him to your insurance and pay the premium temporarily. He summarily refused that bend but added no plan of action of his own, no bookend on your idea which validated it as a positive step. Continuing, what's his bend on the job situation? You said he's lousy at planning and doesn't have a plan. Is that it? Done? Where's the bend? If there is no bend, breakage is bound to occur. Thank you for the perspective.
Ross MwcFan Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Stop being such a nag. Unless you want his money, don't sweat it. I'm sure he'd like to rip you a new one for some of the traits and deficiencies you possess as well. I don't think it's a case of just being after a guys money. She not going to want to have to support him, maybe she's only 'barely' being able to support him now. So I think the she feels about him not having a job is understandable. There's also the fact that a woman having to support her partner is going to change the dynamics of the relationship, and probably not for the better.
bean1 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Sorry, I have a real problem with people who prefer to remain jobless for an extended period of time rather than take a job "beneath" them. My dad stayed unemployed for years because of pride and a refusal to take a "lower" job even though his job was somewhat obsolete. When I needed money to live, I worked in a fast food restaurant. I worked there for minimum wage and took as many of my $20/hour hours from my other job that I could. Is it a loss of dignity? Loss of pride? Probably, yeah, obviously it sucked but you do what you need to do. I understand a lot of people DON'T agree with that and that's their opinion, but I do not believe it makes the OP some kind of naggy goldigger, it means she values work ethic and pride differently than her partner.
bigmomma1974 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Maybe just maybe after being turned down job after job, depression kicked in and that is why he isn't motivated. I do not know. I do know that if him not having a stable employment is an issue to you, then explain it to him how you feel about him not working, talk to him and ask him if depression is an issue with him. If you want to build a life with this man, get married and evventually have kids it usually takes 2 incomes unless your making alot of money. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Ask him what he plans to do when his savings runs out. Yeah credit cards can be a back up but with no income coming in, how will he pay them off. What line of work is he in? PLus alot of people hate taking a job at a local grocery store when they hold a college degree. Howevver that college degree isn't a guarentee at a job . G/L
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 I don't think it's a case of just being after a guys money. She not going to want to have to support him, maybe she's only 'barely' being able to support him now. So I think the she feels about him not having a job is understandable. There's also the fact that a woman having to support her partner is going to change the dynamics of the relationship, and probably not for the better. Thanks Ross - I hardly think trying to get my boyfriend to work for minimum wage is hardly a golddigger make. I have my own money and for the past year of dating I haven't taken any of his. This is about seeing the guy I'm with not pushing himself to get a job when he needs one and it's raising concerns. I'm trying to balance on the fine line of being supportive, understanding and realistic.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Maybe just maybe after being turned down job after job, depression kicked in and that is why he isn't motivated. I do not know. I do know that if him not having a stable employment is an issue to you, then explain it to him how you feel about him not working, talk to him and ask him if depression is an issue with him. If you want to build a life with this man, get married and evventually have kids it usually takes 2 incomes unless your making alot of money. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Ask him what he plans to do when his savings runs out. Yeah credit cards can be a back up but with no income coming in, how will he pay them off. What line of work is he in? PLus alot of people hate taking a job at a local grocery store when they hold a college degree. Howevver that college degree isn't a guarentee at a job . G/L Thank you - I asked him to pretend that next week his bank account would hit zero "what would you do?" I asked, he stated that he "didn't know." and that he couldn't give me an answer. He also said that when that time comes he will "make it work." but that time is almost NOW and he's been trying to make it work. I don't understand how he can magically make it work at crunch time when he hasn't been able to for months. I've said all of this to him and he pretty much shut down, got really sad and kept saying "I don't know" over and over again. I've never seen him like this.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 First off, everyone here has pretty much missed the mark imo and sounds pretty ridiculous and childish. It's very typical to say a lot of the things they are saying, but c'mon...the guy is having a hard time dealing with his pride and not being able to get a job...feeling apprehensive and down about even applying since he hasn't been able to land one and the best thing people here can say is "do you really want a guy who doesn't care about financial responsibility or is on the same page?" or "Did he really have 30k saved up?" how ridiculous of a comment. This guy didn't accomplish the things he has already by being a lazy bum, he obviously is used to being on a high horse and doesn't know how to walk when needed...he's used to things working out from him and he has the ability to work hard with the right motivation. To me it seems like you brushing this issue to the side, especially as a future spouse has done him a big disservice, you've simply watched waste away his finances while leaving him alone when you could have been more supportive and talked to him about these things, and how he has been feeling. Not "what is wrong with you, why don't you work at starbucks?" but real supportive talk..."Like what are your concerns?, how do you feel?...It's ok, I don't think of you less of a man for not having a job right now but lets get back on the horse and don't give up...I love you and want a good future for us" It's a shame to me how illogical the general public is from reading prior comments. This guy won't be jobless forever and thinking he is despite of what he has accomplished is just more of a reason for someone like this to be depressed. Motivate him, support him...act like a wife If that's what you're going to be...don't wait for the ring to be on your finger, and learn to communicate with your man about the things you especially don't want to talk about. That's a relationship!
aj22one Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Sorry, I have a real problem with people who prefer to remain jobless for an extended period of time rather than take a job "beneath" them. My dad stayed unemployed for years because of pride and a refusal to take a "lower" job even though his job was somewhat obsolete. When I needed money to live, I worked in a fast food restaurant. I worked there for minimum wage and took as many of my $20/hour hours from my other job that I could. Is it a loss of dignity? Loss of pride? Probably, yeah, obviously it sucked but you do what you need to do. I understand a lot of people DON'T agree with that and that's their opinion, but I do not believe it makes the OP some kind of naggy goldigger, it means she values work ethic and pride differently than her partner. Well OP says he could get by on minimum wage or close to it, which is fine. I know that where I live (as I've said earlier) if I worked minimum wage I'd be living with my parents (I would have to) unless I worked like 2-3 jobs which isn't something I'd do. I guess I kinda agree and kinda disagree with you here. You do have to do what you gotta do sometimes but it is kind of difficult to put your career on hold like that.
Ross MwcFan Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 First off, everyone here has pretty much missed the mark imo and sounds pretty ridiculous and childish. It's very typical to say a lot of the things they are saying, but c'mon...the guy is having a hard time dealing with his pride and not being able to get a job...feeling apprehensive and down about even applying since he hasn't been able to land one and the best thing people here can say is "do you really want a guy who doesn't care about financial responsibility or is on the same page?" or "Did he really have 30k saved up?" how ridiculous of a comment. This guy didn't accomplish the things he has already by being a lazy bum, he obviously is used to being on a high horse and doesn't know how to walk when needed...he's used to things working out from him and he has the ability to work hard with the right motivation. To me it seems like you brushing this issue to the side, especially as a future spouse has done him a big disservice, you've simply watched waste away his finances while leaving him alone when you could have been more supportive and talked to him about these things, and how he has been feeling. Not "what is wrong with you, why don't you work at starbucks?" but real supportive talk..."Like what are your concerns?, how do you feel?...It's ok, I don't think of you less of a man for not having a job right now but lets get back on the horse and don't give up...I love you and want a good future for us" It's a shame to me how illogical the general public is from reading prior comments. This guy won't be jobless forever and thinking he is despite of what he has accomplished is just more of a reason for someone like this to be depressed. Motivate him, support him...act like a wife If that's what you're going to be...don't wait for the ring to be on your finger, and learn to communicate with your man about the things you especially don't want to talk about. That's a relationship! Or maybe he is very depressed.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) First off, everyone here has pretty much missed the mark imo and sounds pretty ridiculous and childish. It's very typical to say a lot of the things they are saying, but c'mon...the guy is having a hard time dealing with his pride and not being able to get a job...feeling apprehensive and down about even applying since he hasn't been able to land one and the best thing people here can say is "do you really want a guy who doesn't care about financial responsibility or is on the same page?" or "Did he really have 30k saved up?" how ridiculous of a comment. This guy didn't accomplish the things he has already by being a lazy bum, he obviously is used to being on a high horse and doesn't know how to walk when needed...he's used to things working out from him and he has the ability to work hard with the right motivation. To me it seems like you brushing this issue to the side, especially as a future spouse has done him a big disservice, you've simply watched waste away his finances while leaving him alone when you could have been more supportive and talked to him about these things, and how he has been feeling. Not "what is wrong with you, why don't you work at starbucks?" but real supportive talk..."Like what are your concerns?, how do you feel?...It's ok, I don't think of you less of a man for not having a job right now but lets get back on the horse and don't give up...I love you and want a good future for us" It's a shame to me how illogical the general public is from reading prior comments. This guy won't be jobless forever and thinking he is despite of what he has accomplished is just more of a reason for someone like this to be depressed. Motivate him, support him...act like a wife If that's what you're going to be...don't wait for the ring to be on your finger, and learn to communicate with your man about the things you especially don't want to talk about. That's a relationship! Talk about a ridiculous comment - How can you assume that I sat by and watched him waste away his finance? I NEVER EVER said "what is wrong with you - go work at starbucks." In fact all of the things you assumed I didn't do as a supportive girlfriend I have done. I've actually told him over and over again that his job does not define who he is as a person and he is NOT less of a man because of it. For you to assume that I haven't been supportive (which makes me believe you have not read much of this thread) is just as ridiculous as your accusations to the other readers for assuming things on their end. The issue is not about me being supportive - I'm there for him. But we're going on a year now and it's pretty natural to start to ask some questions and seem a bit concerned over it. It doesn't make someone a non-supportive, evil, insensitive jackass if they see an amber colored flag occuring. Edited January 6, 2012 by vsmini
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I've been dating someone for just over a year and it's going really well. We're both 30, on the same page with things that are important to us, live together and are on the way to being engaged (at least within the next year). My only issue is his employment status. He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job. He moved to the city last year with quite a large sum of savings almost at 30K (from working at his last job) but after city rent and living expences it's now dwindled to near nothing. He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying. Look, it's a tough as hell job market out there. They had 1,000 applicants for an opening at McDonalds near me... and our local economy is better than the rest of the country. I've been on 4 job interviews since the recession started with no luck. The last one it was down to me and 1 other guy out of 800 applicants. I am currently employed, and the company I work for won't even look at the application of someone who doesn't already have a job. My point is that this is kind of a special circumstance, your role should be to provide him positive support and encouragement. I have personally supported at least 2 GF's through career changes and long stretches of unemployment. Hell, one decided she didn't want to work at all and I was fine with that. How can you ONLY love somebody if they make money? WTF? What if he decides to be a stay at home dad? You either love him for who he is... not what he does... or don't love him. Grow up!
Andy_K Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 This guy didn't accomplish the things he has already by being a lazy bum, he obviously is used to being on a high horse and doesn't know how to walk when needed...he's used to things working out from him and he has the ability to work hard with the right motivation. Perhaps, but you learn a lot more about someone's REAL strength of character during adversity, not when times are good. And he's not showing much here.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Perhaps, but you learn a lot more about someone's REAL strength of character during adversity, not when times are good. Well said.
dasein Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 How does he spend his time during the day? If he's out meeting people, doing the job search, networking with schoolmates, family etc., as if that was his job, then IMO it's not a "worry" situation for you. If OTOH, he's playing WoW or Xbox, watching TV, at the gym 4 hours a day, hanging out with other unemployed friends, then yeah, you have reason for concern. Sorry if you posted the answer earlier and I missed it, only skimmed thread.
Author vsmini Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 How does he spend his time during the day? If he's out meeting people, doing the job search, networking with schoolmates, family etc., as if that was his job, then IMO it's not a "worry" situation for you. If OTOH, he's playing WoW or Xbox, watching TV, at the gym 4 hours a day, hanging out with other unemployed friends, then yeah, you have reason for concern. Sorry if you posted the answer earlier and I missed it, only skimmed thread. No - this is a good question and I'm slapping myself for not putting this information in the OP. He spends part of his day looking for jobs online, always gets a workout in (no judgement on that on my end) and spends most of his day on his own project he has been doing for the last 7 years. He is an editor/screenplay writer. And before everyone starts rolling their eyes. He isn't the typical "oh, I'm working on my novel." kind of guy. This is a legit project that has funding (funding for the film only - not living expences) and has won him quite a few legit film festivals based on his short of this feature film. So he IS working on something that is a legit project only it hasn't been bringing in any money for him and most likely won't for the next 1-2 years. Sorry - that's pretty pertinent info.
FitChick Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I think your money would be better and more productively spent paying for a few phone sessions with Morty or Shelly Lefkoe to eliminate all of his core beliefs which have surfaced, making him depressed. You will see a remarkable change a lot faster than with conventional therapy which drags on for weeks and months with little progress. Check out the website, watch and read the testimonials from therapists, successful business people, life coaches, personal growth experts and then call. Worth every penny and I speak from experience. You can watch an in five parts with Dr. Joe Vitale, a client of Morty's. People pay Vitale hundreds of dollars for seminars to get this information secondhand. Go directly to the source! If it looks easy on screen, don't be fooled. You need a professional to facilitate you a few times before you can do the Method on your own or with DVDs.
Els Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Disagree completely. They live together and they are talking about engagement. You can't marry someone if the two of you disagree on the importance of financial stability. The guy DOES have a stable financial situation. He has 30k in savings and no debt. Choosing not to work at Starbucks while looking for a job in your career path when you have 30k in savings and nothing else to support (student loan, children, etc) is not financial irresponsibility IMO. Perhaps the two of them disagree on how they define financial stability - but the way you are stating it is as if the OP's way of looking at things is certainly the right one, and if he won't come to HERS, she should dump him. Errr...no. Personally, I could make 30k last 2 years comfortably with no loans to pay off. If I stretch it, I could make it last 3. I've lived off $1000/month before with $150/week going out to rent - it wasn't a big deal. I could have saved even more by taking a cheaper place at $100/week. I disagree that she is a gold digger or any such thing, but neither do I feel we should impose our own personal financial principles on our partners if they aren't mooching of us or in debt themselves. Regardless, all I have seen in this thread is the OP thanking people who agree with her, for the most part. Each to their own - if all the OP wishes to hear is people supporting her concerns, all I can do is wish her the best of luck.
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