He can't get a job...and it's worrying me.

[vsmini]

I've been dating someone for just over a year and it's going really well. We're both 30, on the same page with things that are important to us, live together and are on the way to being engaged (at least within the next year).

 

My only issue is his employment status. He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job. He moved to the city last year with quite a large sum of savings almost at 30K (from working at his last job) but after city rent and living expences it's now dwindled to near nothing. He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying.

 

I've suggested doing something basic, entry-level just so he can get a paycheck coming in but he just can't wrap his head around working at a drugstore or a starbucks after his good employment in the past. I think he feels he's too old for that. But what choice does he have?

 

I've tried my hardest to be supportive and not nag him or discuss it too much with him and emasculate him in the process but today I brought up that I was concerned and he got really down. I told him it's been a year and though I know he's capable of working, the time we've been together he has not had a job and that I'm concerned. I also never brought it up in the past because we split things 50/50 and he pays his share of the rent - financially I do not carry any of his weight...so really, how much can i complain? I can't - I just want to see him get a job - I guess it's his lack of motivation for finding a job is what worries me...because he says he is really stressed out about his nearing-zero savings balance.

 

We're usually such great communicators but he really shut down after I talked to him.

 

advice?

[mr_sexxxy]

Stop being such a nag. Unless you want his money, don't sweat it.

 

I'm sure he'd like to rip you a new one for some of the traits and deficiencies you possess as well.

[vsmini]

Stop being such a nag. Unless you want his money, don't sweat it.

 

I'm sure he'd like to rip you a new one for some of the traits and deficiencies you possess as well.

 

I'm actually not a nag - thanks. It's the first time I've ever brought it up. We've talked about it in the past but only when he brought it up and asked for my advice or opinion. I've always been sensitive to it but I'm not willing to completely shut down my concerns at risk of being a nag.

 

I'm not a doormat and if something is bothering me, I bring it up and keep others feelings in mind while I'm doing it.

[carhill]

Adversity either binds a couple together or tears them apart.

 

Ask him the difference between feeling like he has a partner at his side versus a cattle prod up his ass. Listen.

 

He's a smart man. He didn't get the education and jobs he's had at his young age by being dumb and unmotivated. Compliment him and ask him what his plan is.

 

This is essentially what I did when my exW was in the middle of business struggles when we got married. To me, we were a team and her issues were our issues and we would work them together, side by side.

[vsmini]

Adversity either binds a couple together or tears them apart.

 

Ask him the difference between feeling like he has a partner at his side versus a cattle prod up his ass. Listen.

 

He's a smart man. He didn't get the education and jobs he's had at his young age by being dumb and unmotivated. Compliment him and ask him what his plan is.

 

This is essentially what I did when my exW was in the middle of business struggles when we got married. To me, we were a team and her issues were our issues and we would work them together, side by side.

 

Thank you. I agree and I think you make excellent points. I'm glad you look at your relationships as teams. I do make sure to compliment him often and when I ask what his plan is he tells me he's confused and not sure what to do. He's been saying that for 6+ months now. It is always the same answer. He doesn't know what his plan is.

[Casablanca]

There isn't much you can do sadly but support him...you could ask a few of your colleagues or friends if they know anything...it is a tough job market at the moment.

 

Ignore mr_sexxy...I understand where you are coming from...what is the thing couples fight about the most...money (or perhaps sex)...not saying you're going to fight over this, but it is something that can cause worry and you want

[vsmini]

There isn't much you can do sadly but support him...you could ask a few of your colleagues or friends if they know anything...it is a tough job market at the moment.

 

Ignore mr_sexxy...I understand where you are coming from...what is the thing couples fight about the most...money (or perhaps sex)...not saying you're going to fight over this, but it is something that can cause worry and you want

 

Thank you. I actually asked him earlier in the week if he could tailor one of his resumes to a certain job because one of my friends may have job opening at their company but he still hasn't given me the resume. He seemed excited at the prospect but today when I asked him how his day went he said "good - worked out." I would think if you were interested in a job you would whip up that resume ASAP. He still hasn't finished it.

 

I think he's getting depressed so I know I have to support him but I'm at a loss for what to do. I suppose it is out of my hands.

[mr_sexxxy]

I've seen these types of relationships many times before. And they are becoming more and more common in this day and age.

 

Basically, the man here is shy and sensitive, who is attracted to domineering, abrasive women. He doesn't have the guts to tell her to shut her trap and doesn't feel like he has many options in the dating game; hence, he retreats into his emotional shell rather than telling her to shut the f up and that it's none of her damn business.

 

The female, sensing the man's weakness, and having a history of dating shy dweebs, pounces on him, and gets away with it, as the man has no sense of self worth.

 

I know several married couples and dating couples who fall into this category. I predict that the more abusive and nagging OP becomes, the more attracted he will be. They'll wind up getting married continuing the same dysfunctional pattern of domineering female and obsequious male.

[RecordProducer]

Hm...

He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job.

So, for the past year he hasn't worked at all? What does "hasn't held a steady job" mean exactly?

 

He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying.

It seems to me like he stopped trying the moment he moved in with you! If he was calledfor an interview, that means he was qualified for a vacant position, but he blew the interviews. We're not talking here fewer available jobs due to the economic crisis or lack of education/experience.

 

I've suggested doing something basic, entry-level just so he can get a paycheck coming in but he just can't wrap his head around working at a drugstore or a starbucks after his good employment in the past. I think he feels he's too old for that.

But he's fine with being supported by his girlfriend? He's young, smart, and capable of working. He even stopped looking, and he won't work at a drugstore - that means he's lazy. There's no pride in staying unemployed and being supported by your GF. What Mr. Sexxxy told you is complete BS.

 

I also never brought it up in the past because we split things 50/50 and he pays his share of the rent - financially I do not carry any of his weight...so really, how much can i complain? I can't - I just want to see him get a job - I guess it's his lack of motivation for finding a job is what worries me...because he says he is really stressed out about his nearing-zero savings balance.

That's really interesting that he is stressed about his savings ending. But he's not stressed about not having a job or not being motivated to look for employment. Obviously he decided to spend all his savings first and take a year break. I hear you, while other men graduating from top schools dream of success and work very hard, your guy is happy to nibble on his savings and do nothing. My guess is that he'll immediately find a job when he spends his savings. He could've worked and you could've used the savings to invest in downpayment for a house or even for a wedding or honeymoon or new cars. It's ridiculous that he was living off of his savings. That also shows a financially imprudent person - if not irresponsible. Does he have any dept? Student loans?

 

By the way, do you have a good job? Would you be able to support him if he had no income or savings?

[vsmini]

I've seen these types of relationships many times before. And they are becoming more and more common in this day and age.

 

Basically, the man here is shy and sensitive, who is attracted to domineering, abrasive women. He doesn't have the guts to tell her to shut her trap and doesn't feel like he has many options in the dating game; hence, he retreats into his emotional shell rather than telling her to shut the f up and that it's none of her damn business.

 

The female, sensing the man's weakness, and having a history of dating shy dweebs, pounces on him, and gets away with it, as the man has no sense of self worth.

 

I know several married couples and dating couples who fall into this category. I predict that the more abusive and nagging OP becomes, the more attracted he will be. They'll wind up getting married continuing the same dysfunctional pattern of domineering female and obsequious male.

 

You are so incredibly far off on all of this. You must not have read the OP. An abrasive and domineering woman is not someone who brings something up once and makes sure to consider the guys feelings and remains supportive and takes extra caution NOT to emasculate him. I'm sure you want me to be that person so your stupid theory can fit the bill...but here...it does not.

[carhill]

I ask what his plan is he tells me he's confused and not sure what to do. He's been saying that for 6+ months now. It is always the same answer. He doesn't know what his plan is.

 

Would you state that this perspective is 'normal' for him?

 

When was the last time he had a full physical?

[vsmini]

Hm... So, for the past year he hasn't worked at all? What does "hasn't held a steady job" mean exactly?

 

It seems to me like he stopped trying the moment he moved in with you! If he was calledfor an interview, that means he was qualified for a vacant position, but he blew the interviews. We're not talking here fewer available jobs due to the economic crisis or lack of education/experience.

 

But he's fine with being supported by his girlfriend? He's young, smart, and capable of working. He even stopped looking, and he won't work at a drugstore - that means he's lazy. There's no pride in staying unemployed and being supported by your GF. What Mr. Sexxxy told you is complete BS.

 

That's really interesting that he is stressed about his savings ending. But he's not stressed about not having a job or not being motivated to look for employment. Obviously he decided to spend all his savings first and take a year break. I hear you, while other men graduating from top schools dream of success and work very hard, your guy is happy to nibble on his savings and do nothing. My guess is that he'll immediately find a job when he spends his savings. He could've worked and you could've used the savings to invest in downpayment for a house or even for a wedding or honeymoon or new cars. It's ridiculous that he was living off of his savings. That also shows a financially imprudent person - if not irresponsible. Does he have any dept? Student loans?

 

By the way, do you have a good job? Would you be able to support him if he had no income or savings?

 

Well I've never financially supported him or needed to. He pays for his own way on everything so that's a reason why I've been hesitant to bring it up because it hasn't affected me, financially at all...

 

He has no debt - and his student loans are paid for.

 

I have a good job and could financially support the both of us but I am not ok supporting a guy that is fully able to work but chooses not to. We don't have kids or some insane mortgage - he's able to work and claims he really does want to (as long as it's a job he wants...) so I think it's a bad idea to start supporting him financially. It could lead to much trouble later on.

[vsmini]

Would you state that this perspective is 'normal' for him?

 

When was the last time he had a full physical?

 

I would say his perspective is normal for him - he is a bit of a flip-flopper when it comes to what he wants career-wise. One day he thinks he wants to do this and then the next he wants to do something different.

 

Full physical? at least a year and a half as he doesn't have health insurance and hasn't gone to doctors. I hate that he doesn't have health insurance. He also refuses to go on mine as domestic partners because he thinks it costs too much for me to add him on my insurance. I told him I would cover it because I'm so gung-ho on health insurance but he refuses and says he won't take my money

[aj22one]

I've been dating someone for just over a year and it's going really well. We're both 30, on the same page with things that are important to us, live together and are on the way to being engaged (at least within the next year).

 

My only issue is his employment status. He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job. He moved to the city last year with quite a large sum of savings almost at 30K (from working at his last job) but after city rent and living expences it's now dwindled to near nothing. He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying.

 

I've suggested doing something basic, entry-level just so he can get a paycheck coming in but he just can't wrap his head around working at a drugstore or a starbucks after his good employment in the past. I think he feels he's too old for that. But what choice does he have?

 

I've tried my hardest to be supportive and not nag him or discuss it too much with him and emasculate him in the process but today I brought up that I was concerned and he got really down. I told him it's been a year and though I know he's capable of working, the time we've been together he has not had a job and that I'm concerned. I also never brought it up in the past because we split things 50/50 and he pays his share of the rent - financially I do not carry any of his weight...so really, how much can i complain? I can't - I just want to see him get a job - I guess it's his lack of motivation for finding a job is what worries me...because he says he is really stressed out about his nearing-zero savings balance.

 

We're usually such great communicators but he really shut down after I talked to him.

 

advice?

 

Where I'm from 30k might get you 7-8 months, if you skimp (like eating Ramen noodles every night kind of skimp). So my hat's off to him for being able to live on 30k a year.

 

Now to the bigger issue. Truth be told a lot of people give up on their job search after about 6 months. After about a year, the numbers of people who stop looking is truly astounding.

 

I remember when I first graduated college (not all that long ago actually). I had all kinds of cool internship experience, good grades, etc. but I had a horrible time finding a decent job. Eventually I settled for a sales clerk position at a grocery store. It was horrible, I made 8 bucks an hour and worked 37.5 hours a week, so believe him when he says nobody with a great college education wants to go work as a sales clerk with a bunch of high school kids. Eventually I just decided to go into business for myself, and so far so good.

 

My suggestion is to have a conversation (positive one) about what he wants to do and where he wants to go professionally and personally (presumably with you). You mentioned that he's had these job problems after moving, would you be willing to move with him if he found a job elsewhere?

Edited January 6, 2012 by aj22one

[carhill]

I would say his perspective is normal for him - he is a bit of a flip-flopper when it comes to what he wants career-wise. One day he thinks he wants to do this and then the next he wants to do something different.

 

So, he's paid for an education at a top school, completely paid, then worked, then saved up 30K, all before 30yo, by flip-flopping? He must have a really lucrative profession. Any chance this is an early MLC, in that he's now 'taking a vacation' from his achievements in the recent past? Does he show signs of being a 'spurt worker'. Really intelligent people often can be. Intense periods of work followed by downtime.

 

Full physical? at least a year and a half as he doesn't have health insurance and hasn't gone to doctors. I hate that he doesn't have health insurance. He also refuses to go on mine as domestic partners because he thinks it costs too much for me to add him on my insurance. I told him I would cover it because I'm so gung-ho on health insurance but he refuses and says he won't take my money

 

Thanks. That was more of a follow-up question if his behaviors were outside of normal for him but it does raise a good issue; that being working together for the health of your relationship and his physical health is a part of that.

 

Do you get the sense that there is very little bend from him? IOW, 'my way or the highway'?

 

As things presently are, I would suggest a long engagement and some PMC. Life still has a lot more to throw at you.

[RecordProducer]

I have a good job and could financially support the both of us

I have a feeling this is what he expects until (if ever) he finds the same job as before.

 

but I am not ok supporting a guy that is fully able to work but chooses not to.

Which means what? You'll have to eventually kick him out if he doesn't get a job. At somepoint, you will have to tell him he has 72 hours to get ANY job OR leave.

 

claims he really does want to (as long as it's a job he wants...)

Oh, and most people work at their dream jobs, right. Tell him to get his lazy ass off the sofa and start working. I know people with J.D. and PhD degrees who were volunteering AND working as waiters while actively looking for a job. He does NONE of those three. Volunteering is also a way of getting work experience instead of having a gap in one's Resume. He sounds lazy and non-ambitious, but also entitled to live like a prince and leach off of you once his savings end.

[vsmini]

So, he's paid for an education at a top school, completely paid, then worked, then saved up 30K, all before 30yo, by flip-flopping? He must have a really lucrative profession. Any chance this is an early MLC, in that he's now 'taking a vacation' from his achievements in the recent past? Does he show signs of being a 'spurt worker'. Really intelligent people often can be. Intense periods of work followed by downtime.

 

 

 

Thanks. That was more of a follow-up question if his behaviors were outside of normal for him but it does raise a good issue; that being working together for the health of your relationship and his physical health is a part of that.

 

Do you get the sense that there is very little bend from him? IOW, 'my way or the highway'?

 

As things presently are, I would suggest a long engagement and some PMC. Life still has a lot more to throw at you.

 

He worked like a madman for a little over a year before moving here to the city. So yes - I would say he works in spurts but I know this is the biggest gap in his unemployment history. He does compromise quite well.

 

I'll stay focused on the positives and see if he even gets to the point of all of his savings spent because that might not happen but he'll need to get a job soon before it reaches zero.

[irc333]

He can't get a job? Him and about a few million other people can't either, deal with it.

 

 

 

I've been dating someone for just over a year and it's going really well. We're both 30, on the same page with things that are important to us, live together and are on the way to being engaged (at least within the next year).

 

My only issue is his employment status. He graduated from a top university and has held some really good jobs in his field but since he's moved here (I've known him for years and years but we just started dating a year ago) he hasn't held a steady job. He moved to the city last year with quite a large sum of savings almost at 30K (from working at his last job) but after city rent and living expences it's now dwindled to near nothing. He's gone on many interviews but hasn't nailed anything down. In the last 2 months he's pretty much stopped trying.

 

I've suggested doing something basic, entry-level just so he can get a paycheck coming in but he just can't wrap his head around working at a drugstore or a starbucks after his good employment in the past. I think he feels he's too old for that. But what choice does he have?

 

I've tried my hardest to be supportive and not nag him or discuss it too much with him and emasculate him in the process but today I brought up that I was concerned and he got really down. I told him it's been a year and though I know he's capable of working, the time we've been together he has not had a job and that I'm concerned. I also never brought it up in the past because we split things 50/50 and he pays his share of the rent - financially I do not carry any of his weight...so really, how much can i complain? I can't - I just want to see him get a job - I guess it's his lack of motivation for finding a job is what worries me...because he says he is really stressed out about his nearing-zero savings balance.

 

We're usually such great communicators but he really shut down after I talked to him.

 

advice?

[vsmini]

I have a feeling this is what he expects until (if ever) he finds the same job as before.

 

Which means what? You'll have to eventually kick him out if he doesn't get a job. At somepoint, you will have to tell him he has 72 hours to get ANY job OR leave.

 

Oh, and most people work at their dream jobs, right. Tell him to get his lazy ass off the sofa and start working. I know people with J.D. and PhD degrees who were volunteering AND working as waiters while actively looking for a job. He does NONE of those three. Volunteering is also a way of getting work experience instead of having a gap in one's Resume. He sounds lazy and non-ambitious, but also entitled to live like a prince and leach off of you once his savings end.

 

 

And what do you say to the guy when he says that, financially speaking, we are not a team? We may be a team in the relationship sense but to him since he pays his own bills then it really isn't my concern. I disagree. I feel that in a way it is my concern too. We're in a serious relationship, live together and if him being unemployed is affecting him negatively - it affects me. He has no debt currently so I'm sure he would go to his CC cards because he's stated that he would never take money from me - I even offered to cover his health insurance but he refused. He says taking money form me is not an option.

 

I guess I'm just concerned about the future and wondering if finding a job will be a long-term thing and the source for much conflict. I love him, want to support him in his goals, I do not want to kick his butt out of the house or break up with him...I'll have to see how it goes.

Edited January 6, 2012 by vsmini

[carhill]

IMO, this is the nuts and bolts of compatibility.

 

His refusal to bend on the health insurance issue and stating that his finances aren't really any of your concern flies in the face of your statement that he is good at compromising. What exactly is he good at compromising about?

 

You're a year in, already living together and talking engagement. I hope this can be resolved.

[FitChick]

Would you really want to marry a man who doesn't have basic common sense, who moved to another city without getting a job there first?

 

If he was successful in his previous city, why don't you both move back?

 

If he's too proud to take money from you, what if he racks up tens of thousands of dollars on his credit card and can't pay so ruins his credit? Would you marry someone who was bankrupt?

 

Maybe he should move back with his parents.

[TheFinalWord]

" Adversity either binds a couple together or tears them apart."

 

Very true. You've been dating a year, this is probably your guys' first real test as a couple.

 

I know for myself I would work at McDonald's cleaning the bathrooms before not working at all!

 

But it is hard to say because not finding the right job can be very hard for a man. It can get highly depressing and de-motivating. That's why you hear in the news unemployment is much higher than 10% b/c they don't count people who have simply given up looking for work. Has he tried a head hunter agency? If he has a top degree in a lucrative field he should be searching nationally for the best offers.

 

About the waiting till the funds run dry to find a job...what kind of field allows a person to go a year without any type of work in that area? Maybe a bachelors level position, but if he is a doctor or lawyer his skills are going to start getting rusty if he doesn't keep them fresh! He needs to do something to stay fresh, i.e. if he's a lawyer do pro bono work!

[aj22one]

The guy isn't a criminal for not having a job. In fact, if he were to settle for a job at McDonalds or as a check out clerk people on here would be criticizing him for not making more than minimum wage since you can't support a family on that kind of money. The situation is fixable and not hopeless.

[jobaba]

And what do you say to the guy when he says that, financially speaking, we are not a team? We may be a team in the relationship sense but to him since he pays his own bills then it really isn't my concern. I disagree. I feel that in a way it is my concern too. We're in a serious relationship, live together and if him being unemployed is affecting him negatively - it affects me. He has no debt currently so I'm sure he would go to his CC cards because he's stated that he would never take money from me - I even offered to cover his health insurance but he refused. He says taking money form me is not an option.

 

I guess I'm just concerned about the future and wondering if finding a job will be a long-term thing and the source for much conflict. I love him, want to support him in his goals, I do not want to kick his butt out of the house or break up with him...I'll have to see how it goes.

 

First of all, I think in a dating sense, you should not dump him unless he's not motivated. If he is sincerely trying, then maybe it's just tough in his field. That said, I've never been unemployed for longer than 3 months.

 

The main point ... life holds guarantees for very few of us. Some of us think when we graduate from good schools (I graduated from one of the very best) we're set. Then, you think when you get the graduate degree, all is set. The truth is, it's not. You just have to keep motivated and look forward.

 

I have learned some rough truths about life these past couple of years, being exposed to my co-workers who are in their 50s, several of whom are single, have little to no savings and work jobs making essentially the same as me.

 

The attractive young men and women who are in their 20s and 30s and have a college degree and good paying jobs and no trouble finding dates and will accept nothing less than what they have could easily find themselves divorced, in their 50s and 60s, jobless without significant savings, and no longer attractive enough to be able to find dates on a whim. Similarly, you could be out of a job next month as well.

 

So, if you love him, love him for who he is. Hopefully, part of the reason that you love him is because he's sufficiently motivated ... and if he is, I'm sure he'll find a job eventually.

 

Just as a personal suggestion, we're currently in a down economy and good jobs are scarce but there are signs of recovery recently. Now might be a good time for him to go back to school.

Edited January 6, 2012 by jobaba

[Els]

If I were you, I would hold off on getting involved as long as he is still paying his way. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really don't think anyone should try to control what their partner does if it is not adversely affecting them personally. If he decides that he has enough savings to hold out for his ideal job, and he is not taking any from you, that is entirely his prerogative.