Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Absolutely. I wouldn't hold a failed marriage against someone. But if someone's OLD profile mislead me in that regard, or if I was dating someone seriously and they still didn't tell me of their divorce, then that is a serious cover-up. I see both of your points. I think it's something I'm really embarrassed of and why I choose not to mention it.
lululucy Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I just don't get why a failed M many years ago would be a significant hindrance to a like-minded and compatible man. It's part of history. It's real. It happened, like a million other little details of life. Heck, if a woman was curious about mine, I'd simply give her the docket number and she could review our voluminous case summary herself. It's real. Part of who I am. If that causes her to bolt, I'll get the door so she doesn't smash her face I agree. I'm still young (early twenties) so a failed M many years ago isn't really an option for a guy I was dating unless he was married at eighteen and divorced shortly afterwards. Still, I wouldn't consider that to be a deal-breaker. Divorce happens to good people for a multitude of reasons. Never married or divorced makes little difference to me. Never married would edge out divorced, but the never married older men I meet have commitment issues That's what would bother me more.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 It's not that I'm hiding it...it's more that I don't think it's ever come up. I try not to talk about past relationships. If it came up, sure I'd disclose it. But I'm not going to volunteer anything. I don't want to hear about HIS past relationships so I doubt he wants to hear about mine. Bullshiat. You ARE hiding it, and you know it. If your boyfriend had a child from a previous relationship, wouldn't you consider that relevant information?
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I see both of your points. I think it's something I'm really embarrassed of and why I choose not to mention it. Well, that's tough but you need to face the music like an adult. You can't run and hide like a little kid. What's wrong with you??
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Bullshiat. You ARE hiding it, and you know it. If your boyfriend had a child from a previous relationship, wouldn't you consider that relevant information? Having a child is totally different. I'd hope he would be providing for that child, and if he wasn't, I'd be gone. I have a real issue with dead beat dads.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Well, that's tough but you need to face the music like an adult. You can't run and hide like a little kid. What's wrong with you?? You're right. I'll send him a text now. "Hey, just so you know I was married before in my early 20s. I was told online that I'm hiding it like a kid so I need to tell you".
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 You're right. I'll send him a text now. "Hey, just so you know I was married before in my early 20s. I was told online that I'm hiding it like a kid so I need to tell you". You need to do something soon. Seriously. Otherwise you are SERIOUSLY misleading your boyfriend, and you deserve to get dumped.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) You need to do something soon. Seriously. Rock the boat. Don't rock the boat baby. Rock the boat. Don't tip the boat over. Rock the boat. Don't rock the boat baby. Rock the boaaaaaaaaaaaat. In all seriousness, sure I should disclose it. Your last statement is kinda dicky and judgmental, but so be it. We're also not in a serious relationship. We're dating/seeing each other. I'm not misleading him in any way, shape or form despite you thinking such. Edited January 5, 2012 by azsinglegal
lululucy Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 In all seriousness, sure I should disclose it. Your last statement is kinda dicky and judgmental, but so be it. We're also not in a serious relationship. We're dating/seeing each other. I'm not misleading him in any way, shape or form despite you thinking such. I agree, it's kind of the same thing as having the exes talk. If you're not exclusive/next level, it isn't completely necessary, especially if it was over a decade ago..
dasein Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) See I don't get that attitude. A lot of women seem to feel this way, but it really makes absolutely no sense when you think about it. It's crazy on the part of a lot of women. Agree totally. First, the analysis should begin with "how does this person treat me and how much do we enjoy each other's company?" then "how many FAILED relationships has a prospect had?" Then the analysis should go to "what type of LIFE does this person lead?" I'll hire someone who has never been caught stealing over someone who has every day of the week. Or maybe a little less slanted, I would hire a completely unknown carpenter over one who has a demonstrated history of shoddy work every time. Nothing in my past LTRs or MTRs is something that makes me better in relationships generally. Nothing. Everything that can make one a better relationship partner can be learned in other aspects of life. Everything. In fact IMO, someone who has a lesser history of "up each other's ass 24/7" LTRs and a greater immersion in other areas of their life is a better bet for being a good LTR partner. When I hear women arguing this preference over and over, it starts to sound like "I need a proven 'BF/ chump' who is more likely to fall into line with my agenda with as little fuss as possible. If he hasn't been shod yet, I don't want to be the first." But where does that analysis leave the benefit of the LTR for the man? A good workhorse? No thanks. Edited January 5, 2012 by dasein
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Sounds like a RDF (reality distortion field) or, as my exW used to put it, a willful suspension of disbelief. When my RDF canary starts to choke, I'm outta there
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Rock the boat. Don't rock the boat baby. Rock the boat. Don't tip the boat over. Rock the boat. Don't rock the boat baby. Rock the boaaaaaaaaaaaat. In all seriousness, sure I should disclose it. Your last statement is kinda dicky and judgmental, but so be it. We're also not in a serious relationship. We're dating/seeing each other. I'm not misleading him in any way, shape or form despite you thinking such. Sounds to me that you are rationalizing. This doesn't jibe with how I remember you describing your relationship when you came on here to ask advice about it, but whatever. What's worse is you seem to think that it is OK for you to keep misleading other people on this. You can't tell possible dates (such as in OLD) that you are single or make details up about yourself just on the basis of what looks good. Just like I can't tell people that I'm over 5'10" or (several years ago this was relevant) that I never had credit problems or that I'm curing cancer. I would be really really cool for me if I could tell people these things but as they aren't true I can't. That would have been LYING on my part. Edited January 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Agree totally. First, the analysis should begin with "how does this person treat me and how much do we enjoy each other's company?" then "how many FAILED relationships has a prospect had?" Then the analysis should go to "what type of LIFE does this person lead?" I'll hire someone who has never been caught stealing over someone who has every day of the week. Or maybe a little less slanted, I would hire a completely unknown carpenter over one who has a demonstrated history of shoddy work every time. Nothing in my past LTRs or MTRs is something that makes me better in relationships generally. Nothing. Everything that can make one a better relationship partner can be learned in other aspects of life. Everything. In fact IMO, someone who has a lesser history of "up each other's ass 24/7" LTRs and a greater immersion in other areas of their life is a better bet for being a good LTR partner. When I hear women arguing this preference over and over, it starts to sound like "I need a proven 'BF/ chump' who is more likely to fall into line with my agenda with as little fuss as possible. If he hasn't been shod yet, I don't want to be the first." But where does that analysis leave the benefit of the LTR for the man? A good workhorse? No thanks. I agree dasein. Well-said.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 This doesn't jibe with how I remember you describing your relationship when you came on here to ask advice about it, but whatever. What's worse is you seem to think that it is OK for you to keep misleading other people on this. You can't tell possible dates (such as in OLD) that you are single or make details up about yourself just on the basis of what looks good. Just like I can't tell people that I'm over 5'10" or (several years ago this was relevant) that I never had credit problems. That would have been LYING on my part. Perhaps I've changed how I describe it because it has changed. We are really just seeing each other, even after 9 months. But I'm happy with how things are. It's low maintenance, low drama, low key. I'd like more, but he doesn't so for now, I'm going with the flow...I figure after all my high-drama relationships it's kinda nice to have something that's not. I also agreed with you: 1) I should tell him 2) It was lying by not disclosing I was married based on the fact that I'm embarrassed about it. Kinda wondering why you're harping on me for it after I agreed with you.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Perhaps I've changed how I describe it because it has changed. We are really just seeing each other, even after 9 months. But I'm happy with how things are. It's low maintenance, low drama, low key. I'd like more, but he doesn't so for now, I'm going with the flow...I figure after all my high-drama relationships it's kinda nice to have something that's not. I also agreed with you: 1) I should tell him 2) It was lying by not disclosing I was married based on the fact that I'm embarrassed about it. Kinda wondering why you're harping on me for it after I agreed with you. OK, nice........
FitChick Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 In a couple of years I'll end up being one of those 38 year old freaks. It could be worse. You could be a 55-year old virgin like a male friend of mine.
thatone Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) When I hear women arguing this preference over and over, it starts to sound like "I need a proven 'BF/ chump' who is more likely to fall into line with my agenda with as little fuss as possible. If he hasn't been shod yet, I don't want to be the first." But where does that analysis leave the benefit of the LTR for the man? A good workhorse? No thanks. ding ding, winner. and the lesson to any man who makes the mistake of trying the dating sites after reading this thread and a dozen others just like it is firstly "don't sign up for a dating site" and then secondly "if you do, lie your ass off". especially since the OP is lying her ass off too, that'd make her and her dates even . Edited January 6, 2012 by thatone
Emilia Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Kinda wondering why you're harping on me for it after I agreed with you. Clue should be his username I guess By the way, I get your point and while I disclose my divorced status to the men I date, sometimes it only comes up after a date or two because it was such a long time ago and it so isn't on my mind anymore that in my daily life I just don't think about it anymore. Try to explain that to the self-obsessed here
Emilia Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Agree totally. First, the analysis should begin with "how does this person treat me and how much do we enjoy each other's company?" then "how many FAILED relationships has a prospect had?" Then the analysis should go to "what type of LIFE does this person lead?" I'll hire someone who has never been caught stealing over someone who has every day of the week. Or maybe a little less slanted, I would hire a completely unknown carpenter over one who has a demonstrated history of shoddy work every time. Nothing in my past LTRs or MTRs is something that makes me better in relationships generally. Nothing. Everything that can make one a better relationship partner can be learned in other aspects of life. Everything. In fact IMO, someone who has a lesser history of "up each other's ass 24/7" LTRs and a greater immersion in other areas of their life is a better bet for being a good LTR partner. When I hear women arguing this preference over and over, it starts to sound like "I need a proven 'BF/ chump' who is more likely to fall into line with my agenda with as little fuss as possible. If he hasn't been shod yet, I don't want to be the first." But where does that analysis leave the benefit of the LTR for the man? A good workhorse? No thanks. There is some truth in this but you are not correct. My sister didn't have much relationship experience when she met her current boyfriend who did. She says the reason why it has been a smooth relationship is largely due to his insistence on quality communication because he knew from his previous relationships (LTRs) how important that was. Only after you battle through one and realise if you had just talked to the other person more, you would have been able to resolve issues before they became significant. I dated much younger men with very little experience who didn't understand the importance of this because they hadn't got to the stage yet to understand the importance of conflict resolution. If you don't get that then you are not LTR material I'm sorry.
Ross MwcFan Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 It could be worse. You could be a 55-year old virgin like a male friend of mine. I'm sure that'll end up being me too.
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) There is some truth in this but you are not correct. My sister didn't have much relationship experience when she met her current boyfriend who did. She says the reason why it has been a smooth relationship is largely due to his insistence on quality communication because he knew from his previous relationships (LTRs) how important that was. Only after you battle through one and realise if you had just talked to the other person more, you would have been able to resolve issues before they became significant. I dated much younger men with very little experience who didn't understand the importance of this because they hadn't got to the stage yet to understand the importance of conflict resolution. If you don't get that then you are not LTR material I'm sorry. You can learn a lot of how to "communicate" in one long-term relationship, really. IF you're smart and open to learning, otherwise you won't learn anything. The evidence is here on this forum. Many of the women here especially have been in bunches of relationships but they keep making the same mistakes. So what were they learning, really? I get that women feel that a marriage or a very-long-term-relationship (or spending most of one's dating life in LTRs) means that the guy has been vetted as being worthy of a serious relationship, but again, if you think about it, that doesn't make any sense. A failed marriage certainly isn't a fatal flaw, but it doesn't say good things about the other person either. I know that women feel that it says that the guy was "good enough" so that a woman wanted to marry him, but lots of people have gotten married. Why couldn't the person *stay* married, and if it is really the other person's fault, why didn't they pick better in the first place? A 5-year "marriage-like" relationship actually could be a sign that the guy couldn't commit. If they were together so long, why didn't they get married? And if the girl didn't want to get married to *him* after 5 years, then what does she know about him that you don't? Edited January 6, 2012 by Imajerk17
dasein Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 My sister didn't have much relationship experience when she met her current boyfriend who did. She says the reason why it has been a smooth relationship is largely due to his insistence on quality communication because he knew from his previous relationships (LTRs) how important that was. Hmm, I learned how important "quality communication" (in the real sense of that term) is when I was on the HS debate team at age 13-15. I relearned it dealing with customers in the hardware store I worked in from 13-21 during the summers. Learned more teaching kids at camp. Learned more selling computer equipment and insurance. Today I get paid a nice rate specifically for my extremely well-honed communication and negotiation skills. What did I learn about "quality communication" in relationships while in them? Not a goddamn thing. What I learned was that "quality communications" in a relationship is womanese for listening to and participating in endless, meaningless emotional regurgitation of "why I'm right" from the female side that never ever ever ever ends. And the only determinant of the level of "quality" of the communications is how "right" she is and how "wrong" I am. In situations where I'm indisputably right on an issue and she knows it, somehow those topics aren't acceptable for "quality communications." Go figure. And I learned the above in relationships in HS, didn't even take being in a "for real" LTR to learn the sad truth about "quality communications" with most women. LOL. If you don't get that then you are not LTR material I'm sorry. Oh I get it, all too well, and if my "initiation" into the truth about much of what women are talking about when they express preference for "experienced" men has inoculated me, so be it. Thank God.
thatone Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 i agree, i have plenty of communication experience. i can talk to anyone and read people's moods just fine. how much of that did i learn from women? zilch, zero, zip, notta. it comes from business experience, not relationship experience. in fact in relationship situations i'm usually the one to notice something is wrong, ask about what it is, and get a string of lies or half truths in return for my efforts. so no, i don't need women to judge my communication skills, i have to judge theirs.
jobaba Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 1) Being single with no kids at 38 2) Being divorced with no kids at 38 I think both "sound" terrible initially. Life can be rough. I posted this on another thread, but... You could be young, beautiful, in your 20s and married to a beautiful person today, and be the envy of all... and then be 54, divorced, no longer attractive enough to attract mates, with an unstable financial situation. So, looking at people who are in certain situations as being undesirable, you could easily be back there yourself somewhere down the road...
Imajerk17 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) in fact in relationship situations i'm usually the one to notice something is wrong, ask about what it is, and get a string of lies or half truths in return for my efforts. so no, i don't need women to judge my communication skills, i have to judge theirs. That's exactly what women mean when they talk about learning good communication skills in LTRs though! Seriously, can we learn to work with their communication style--women don't say what they mean and mean what they say. It's all about body language and tonality with them. We have to learn what "fine" and "nothing" really means, and how to cut through the BS and get through the heart of the matter. Now I wonder how many women have done THEIR part, and have learned to communicate to guys? (say what you mean and mean what you say, get to the point, and so on...) Edited January 6, 2012 by Imajerk17
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