azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 1) Being single with no kids at 38 2) Being divorced with no kids at 38 I think both "sound" terrible initially.
Lizzie60 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Huh??? I don't think it sounds bad at all.. lots of people nowdays are single or divorced with no kids at that age..
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Huh??? I don't think it sounds bad at all.. lots of people nowdays are single or divorced with no kids at that age.. But as a woman, I think one has more negative judgmental connotation then the other. Especially if online dating and you just read this in a profile.
oaks Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 1) Being single with no kids at 38 2) Being divorced with no kids at 38 I think both "sound" terrible initially. huh? Ok, here's one: which sounds worse, an apple pie or a kitten? (Is there some context into which to place the sense of worseness of these two benign things?)
lululucy Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 If this is a man's profile I am looking at, I would be weirded out if he was 38 and had never had a long term relationship, either a marriage or like a marriage (5+ years).
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 If this is a man's profile I am looking at, I would be weirded out if he was 38 and had never had a long term relationship, either a marriage or like a marriage (5+ years). Thank you, you get it. If I saw a man's profile and he was never married and single at age 38 I would think "what's wrong with this guy". I'm trying to see if the same thoughts or different are towards a woman.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Hey, Lizzie, long time, no read. IDK, my exW was 41, married twice/divorced twice and no child when we got married. I guess it depends on who is reviewing the statistics. If I saw a man's profile and he was never married and single at age 38 I would think "what's wrong with this guy". That was me and thank you See above for one potential.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Thank you, you get it. If I saw a man's profile and he was never married and single at age 38 I would think "what's wrong with this guy". I'm trying to see if the same thoughts or different are towards a woman. See I don't get that attitude. A lot of women seem to feel this way, but it really makes absolutely no sense when you think about it. It's crazy on the part of a lot of women. It's better, far as I'm concerned, to not marry the wrong person, then to get married and divorced. It's better (more foresight perhaps, less baggage), far as I'm concerned, to realize that someone is the wrong person, than it is to get married to that someone and then divorced. "Single/Never Married" doesn't mean fear of commitment or inability to find someone anymore than "Divorced" does. In the end, the person is still alone, whether they never got married or couldn't keep the marriage together or handle themselves well in their marriage or whatever. Look at it this way: Would you rather date a guy who was Never Married or date a guy who is Divorced because of his temper, infidelity, immaturity, irresponsibility.... Or even if he is Divorced because life with him was too dull for his now-ex-wife to stick around? As a single guy in his late 30's, I would prefer "Never Married" in a woman over "Divorced", but "Divorced" is certainly not a deal-breaker. OP, is this a hypothetical question? I thought you are in a happy relationship... Edited January 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
somedude81 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 A woman who is in her late 30's and never been married sends out a huge red flag. It means that there is something so screwed up about her, that no man has married her. That's how I see it. Divorced just means that her marriage didn't work out for whatever reason. There's also the fact that something like 55% of all marriages end in divorce. Hearing that a woman is divorced is a yellow flag. But what's most important is the reason(s) why she got divorced.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 See I don't get that attitude. A lot of women seem to feel this way, but it really makes absolutely no sense when you think about it. It's crazy on the part of a lot of women. It's better, far as I'm concerned, to not marry the wrong person, then to get married and divorced. It's better (more foresight perhaps, less baggage), far as I'm concerned, to realize that someone is the wrong person, than it is to get married to that someone and then divorced. "Single/Never Married" doesn't mean fear of commitment or inability to find someone anymore than "Divorced" does. In the end, the person is still alone, whether they never got married or couldn't keep the marriage together or handle themselves well in their marriage or whatever. Look at it this way: Would you rather date a guy who was Never Married or date a guy who is Divorced because of his temper, infidelity, immaturity, irresponsibility.... Or even if he is Divorced because life with him was too dull for his now-ex-wife to stick around? As a single guy in his late 30's, I would prefer "Never Married" in a woman over "Divorced", but "Divorced" is certainly not a deal-breaker. OP, is this a hypothetical question? I thought you are in a happy relationship... This is hypothetical. I'm seeing someone and am happy. I started to wonder (from the weight thread) if when I was doing online dating if because I put "single" instead of "divorced" if it was viewed pro or con. I was only married for 3 years in my early 20s so I've been divorced for 15 years. Which pretty much makes me "single" and not so much "divorced" in my book. When I put divorced in my profile the first question I always get asked is "how long", when I say 15 years it's almost like this "red flag" goes off because I'm still single after all that time. It's kind of a catch-22.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 But what's most important is the reason(s) why she got divorced. And unless that is verifiable, it's just another impotent canary in the coal mine. Very few 'why's' with men or women are verifiable. This taught the lesson of looking at family dynamics for insight, along with listening carefully to anecdotes offered about relationship history. For example, the last woman I dated was still angry at her exH for cheating on her (unverifiable) *seven* years post-divorce. This was a 47yo woman with a 22yo son. Hmm.... compared with 'being single with no kids' I wonder which choice I would have made. I chose 'travel'
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 This is hypothetical. I'm seeing someone and am happy. I started to wonder (from the weight thread) if when I was doing online dating if because I put "single" instead of "divorced" if it was viewed pro or con. I was only married for 3 years in my early 20s so I've been divorced for 15 years. Which pretty much makes me "single" and not so much "divorced" in my book. When I put divorced in my profile the first question I always get asked is "how long", when I say 15 years it's almost like this "red flag" goes off because I'm still single after all that time. It's kind of a catch-22. There's no such thing as "not so much" divorced. You either are or you are not. You would need to put up "Divorced" or you would lying.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 There's no such thing as "not so much" divorced. You either are or you are not. You would need to put up "Divorced" or you would lying. I loathe putting divorced on anything and I normally don't honestly. I almost always put single.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Another option is to put 'divorced', which is legally accurate, and then briefly explain in the text of the profile. I did something similar when I was dating while separated. Full disclosure.
somedude81 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 And unless that is verifiable, it's just another impotent canary in the coal mine. Very few 'why's' with men or women are verifiable. This taught the lesson of looking at family dynamics for insight, along with listening carefully to anecdotes offered about relationship history. For example, the last woman I dated was still angry at her exH for cheating on her (unverifiable) *seven* years post-divorce. This was a 47yo woman with a 22yo son. Hmm.... compared with 'being single with no kids' I wonder which choice I would have made. I chose 'travel' I'm not going to worry about whether she is telling the truth or not. Sounds like too much stress.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I loathe putting divorced on anything and I normally don't honestly. I almost always put single. Well then you are lying. This is one reason why marriage is such a serious commitment. Once you get married, it goes on your record FOR LIFE. Not for only 10 years or 15 years or "when you decide that it no longer matters"
Ross MwcFan Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 If this is a man's profile I am looking at, I would be weirded out if he was 38 and had never had a long term relationship, either a marriage or like a marriage (5+ years). In a couple of years I'll end up being one of those 38 year old freaks.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I'm not going to worry about whether she is telling the truth or not. Sounds like too much stress. LOL, you want stress? Try going through a divorce
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Another option is to put 'divorced', which is legally accurate, and then briefly explain in the text of the profile. I did something similar when I was dating while separated. Full disclosure. I think because I view my marriage as insignificant in my life is the reason I don't disclose it. I just have this whole thing for hating to be categorized or stereotyped. Most men I date are surprised to find out I ever was married. I don't talk about it, it's a relationship that I had and ended so I move on. Come to think of it, I don't think my current man even knows I was married.
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Well then you are lying. This is one reason why marriage is such a serious commitment. Once you get married, it goes on your record FOR LIFE. Not for only 10 years or 15 years or "when you decide that it no longer matters" It only tripped me up once when I was going through a background check for a job - they called to see if I ever went by any other name. I didn't even think about it when I filled my paperwork out.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I think because I view my marriage as insignificant in my life is the reason I don't disclose it. I just have this whole thing for hating to be categorized or stereotyped. Most men I date are surprised to find out I ever was married. I don't talk about it, it's a relationship that I had and ended so I move on. Come to think of it, I don't think my current man even knows I was married. Holy Shiat! With your integrity, you sound like quite the catch... Thing is, the truth isn't nearly as bad as the cover-up. I wouldn't have anything against a woman who says she was married for a few years when she was young, but to not tell someone you were married before.... inexcusable.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Ha, a D would've come up in a background check. Trust with verification is my new motto. Divorce is a cruel teacher. I just don't get why a failed M many years ago would be a significant hindrance to a like-minded and compatible man. It's part of history. It's real. It happened, like a million other little details of life. Heck, if a woman was curious about mine, I'd simply give her the docket number and she could review our voluminous case summary herself. It's real. Part of who I am. If that causes her to bolt, I'll get the door so she doesn't smash her face
iris219 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Never married or divorced makes little difference to me. Never married would edge out divorced, but the never married older men I meet have commitment issues. Many women meet so many men over a certain age who never married by choice. They are your run-of-the-mill commitment phobe. I'm not saying all men over 35 who have never been married are like this, but EVERY one I've meet this year has been. They had no intention of ever settling down and ended relationships in the past when the woman wanted more of a commitment. There isn't the commitment phobia stigma for never married older women, though I know there are other stigmas. I think most men would actually prefer a never married woman over 30 vs. divorced (that's my guess, I could be wrong), especially one who had a lot going for her (personality, looks, job).
Author azsinglegal Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Holy Shiat! With your integrity, you sound like quite the catch... Thing is, the truth isn't nearly as bad as the cover-up. I wouldn't have anything against a woman who says she was married for a few years when she was young, but to not tell someone you were married before.... inexcusable. It's not that I'm hiding it...it's more that I don't think it's ever come up. I try not to talk about past relationships. If it came up, sure I'd disclose it. But I'm not going to volunteer anything. I don't want to hear about HIS past relationships so I doubt he wants to hear about mine.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Ha, a D would've come up in a background check. Trust with verification is my new motto. Divorce is a cruel teacher. I just don't get why a failed M many years ago would be a significant hindrance to a like-minded and compatible man. It's part of history. It's real. It happened, like a million other little details of life. Heck, if a woman was curious about mine, I'd simply give her the docket number and she could review our voluminous case summary herself. It's real. Part of who I am. If that causes her to bolt, I'll get the door so she doesn't smash her face Absolutely. That's why I wouldn't necessarily hold a failed marriage against someone. But if someone's OLD profile mislead me in that regard, or if I was dating someone seriously and they still didn't tell me of their divorce, then that is a serious cover-up.
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