jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Why does it seem that in dating, more than in most other pursuits of life, people are so selfish. They absolutely refuse to compromise. MOST of the rich people I know donate money to good causes (and a lot of the not so rich people do too). I know a lot of good smart people that took lesser paying jobs that genuinely help the less fortunate. I know a woman who could have gone to Yale Law but instead decided to go to Public Policy school and work for a nonprofit. But, in dating, it's always "What can they give me?" instead of "What can I give them?" I make XXX dollars, so he/she has to make just as much. I graduated from XXX school, so he/she should have to a similarly prestigious school. I've been around the world, I want someone who has traveled just as much too. I've NEVER seen anybody say something like, "She hasn't been around that much because she doesn't make that much. I'd really like to take her to some places." OR "You know, she has such a cute kid. I bet I could help that kid do better in school." OR "He's such a good guy, I can't believe he's never had a girl. I think I'd like to date him and help him." It kind of confuses me as to why people are so uncompromising in dating compared to most other aspects of life. It's just another facet of life, and not necessarily the most important. Edited January 5, 2012 by jobaba
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 There are only so many single people in the world, spanning all possible variants of psychology and style, so it's a given that one will run into a wide variety of 'differences' from their own, much more than in a social circle one constructs or gravitates to which is synergistic with their psychology and style. It's a place we choose to go which is out of our 'comfort zone', mainly impelled by the biological urge to mate. I don't really give it much thought, the selfish thing. If a person is selfish, they are. That's OK. They might be more selfless with someone else. I facilitate that.
bean1 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Philanthropy is noble but IMO does not belong in finding a partner, your examples seem to cross the boundary into pity.
lululucy Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 But, in dating, it's always "What can they give me?" instead of "What can I give them?" I make XXX dollars, so he/she has to make just as much. I graduated from XXX school, so he/she should have to a similarly prestigious school. I've been around the world, I want someone who has traveled just as much too. That's funny, I'm kind of the opposite right now. While ideally, I'd like a partner who is also university educated, has traveled, makes money, my boyfriend has a high school education and has only been out of Canada once. He makes significantly more money than me but he's buying a house so it's like he's broke, it all goes into savings. I don't expect presents from him but whenever I see something that I think he'd like, I buy it just because. If he gets me something, that's nice of him, but I just like seeing him happy. Maybe I'm a weirdo or something.
Philosoraptor Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 When you are deciding on who to spend your life with you have your own standards. It's great to give to charity, I do constantly, but when you are putting your heart on the line you have your standards. Your heart is something that you should take great care of. I'm unselfish with mine in the ways that I give to the less fortunate and help anyone I have the ability to help... but when it comes to love you put yourself at much risk so you need that person to be able to give you what you need from the relationship. They are also looking at whether or not you can provide them the things that they need. When two people feel like they can get their needs met from each other they find happiness. But going into it without standards leads to resentment later on in a lot of cases and breakups as that person just isn't what they wanted.
Author jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Philanthropy is noble but IMO does not belong in finding a partner, your examples seem to cross the boundary into pity. All philanthropy can be viewed as pity from a particular set of eyes...
Author jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 When you are deciding on who to spend your life with you have your own standards. It's great to give to charity, I do constantly, but when you are putting your heart on the line you have your standards. Your heart is something that you should take great care of. I'm unselfish with mine in the ways that I give to the less fortunate and help anyone I have the ability to help... but when it comes to love you put yourself at much risk so you need that person to be able to give you what you need from the relationship. They are also looking at whether or not you can provide them the things that they need. When two people feel like they can get their needs met from each other they find happiness. But going into it without standards leads to resentment later on in a lot of cases and breakups as that person just isn't what they wanted. That's the point. Those 'needs' for so many people are physical and materialistic. Your true needs should be to find someone with a similar heart as yourself and who is equally motivated. If a person is motivated enough, the money part and being able to support themselves will work itself out.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I think alot of factors go into why people appear selfish in the dating game. But one is that I think people too often judge themselves based on their partner. Instead of being confident in who they are, no matter who they are, and not feeling like they need to have this perfect partner who they consider an extention of themselves. Trophy boyfriend and girlfirends if you will. But this happens more when people are younger. As people age and mature, they seem to grow and learn what is really important. Also. I blame Facebook. .... and porn. lol.
ditzchic Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 If I ever get the notion that someone is dating me to be "charitable", I'm out the door. I'm looking for a partner and an equal, not a parent (or a child). Exactly how big is your ego if you only want to be around me so that you can "save me".
Philosoraptor Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 That's the point. Those 'needs' for so many people are physical and materialistic. Your true needs should be to find someone with a similar heart as yourself and who is equally motivated. If a person is motivated enough, the money part and being able to support themselves will work itself out. While I'd agree with you, not everyone does. I am non materialistic and my search has only ever been for someone who I felt like I synced up with emotionally. Everyone has their own love style and some feel love when getting posessions or having certain things done for them. There is nothing wrong with it, just different people needing different things.
Author jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 While I'd agree with you, not everyone does. I am non materialistic and my search has only ever been for someone who I felt like I synced up with emotionally. Everyone has their own love style and some feel love when getting posessions or having certain things done for them. There is nothing wrong with it, just different people needing different things. I know. I just meant for you since you described in a nutshell the type of person you are.
KathyM Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I don't think it's selfish to want someone who is compatible with you and has similar values, interests and accomplishments. It just makes for a better match, and a better chance that a relationship will last for the long term. People generally want someone who is their intellectual equal because they find that person to be more stimulating and interesting. I know a couple personally, friends of ours, where the guy was a Ph.D. and married a woman who only graduated high school and worked as a secretary. Sure enough, when he hit middle age, he lost interest in his wife because of this difference, and they ended up divorced and he started a relationship with his intellectual equal. By the same token, if someone puts a value on staying fit and healthy, they don't have a good long term potential with someone who doesn't have those values. And if they have wide discrepancies when it comes to attitudes about money and spending money, they are not going to be a match. Looking for someone who is a match is a sound principle in dating, and has a greater chance of being successful for the long term. That's not being selfish.
Author jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 If I ever get the notion that someone is dating me to be "charitable", I'm out the door. I'm looking for a partner and an equal, not a parent (or a child). Exactly how big is your ego if you only want to be around me so that you can "save me". It's not about feeling sorry for somebody DC. It's about realizing they're a real solid person who is motivated at a level similar to yourself who maybe wasn't given all of the gifts you had, either physically, or being raised in the rich suburbs like me. The important things (to me at least) would all still be there. Similar heart, compatibility, and sense of humor.
somedude81 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I've NEVER seen anybody say something like, "She hasn't been around that much because she doesn't make that much. I'd really like to take her to some places." OR "You know, she has such a cute kid. I bet I could help that kid do better in school." ROFL! How about, "She's really fat and ugly. I think I'll show her a good time." jobaba, women don't need pity from men. Even the big girls can find people to love. "He's such a good guy, I can't believe he's never had a girl. I think I'd like to date him and help him." While I wish that was true it just doesn't happen in the real world. People just don't care.
ditzchic Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 It's not about feeling sorry for somebody DC. It's about realizing they're a real solid person who is motivated at a level similar to yourself who maybe wasn't given all of the gifts you had, either physically, or being raised in the rich suburbs like me. The important things (to me at least) would all still be there. Similar heart, compatibility, and sense of humor. What you're talking about is love. Not necessarily dating. I think anyone who isn't a total douche or bitch has given someone they normally wouldn't date a shot or two based on their personality and character. Sometimes it works out, more often it doesn't because attraction is a key for any kind of lasting relationship. Still feeling attracted to someone is what gets you through conflicts when they seem their worst. But looking for something outside of your ideal isn't the norm. But sometimes it finds you when you're not looking for anything. And on the flip side, no one lives up to the perfect little image you have in your head of your ideal mate. Even when we find our ideal "type", when you get to know them there are flaws and deal breakers. If you care about the person you accept them. If you don't care about them, you move on.
Author jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 I don't think it's selfish to want someone who is compatible with you and has similar values, interests and accomplishments. It just makes for a better match, and a better chance that a relationship will last for the long term. People generally want someone who is their intellectual equal because they find that person to be more stimulating and interesting. I know a couple personally, friends of ours, where the guy was a Ph.D. and married a woman who only graduated high school and worked as a secretary. Sure enough, when he hit middle age, he lost interest in his wife because of this difference, and they ended up divorced and he started a relationship with his intellectual equal. By the same token, if someone puts a value on staying fit and healthy, they don't have a good long term potential with someone who doesn't have those values. And if they have wide discrepancies when it comes to attitudes about money and spending money, they are not going to be a match. Looking for someone who is a match is a sound principle in dating, and has a greater chance of being successful for the long term. That's not being selfish. Well. I didn't mention anything about values and interests. That is important. In terms of the accomplishments, it's all perspective. One could have gotten the right breaks in life and ended up as a COO of a solid manufacturing firm. Another person might have had to help her sick mother in her early 20s and not gotten those same chances. I do somewhat agree on your assessment of educational level, as I feel anybody with a minimum level of motivation can at least achieve a bachelors degree, but that's where it would stop. I know a few people with doctorates married to people with only bachelors degrees. It's more about compatible levels of motivation. ROFL! How about, "She's really fat and ugly. I think I'll show her a good time." jobaba, women don't need pity from men. Even the big girls can find people to love. While I wish that was true it just doesn't happen in the real world. People just don't care. Dude, it's not about pity! It's about viewing a situation as an opportunity to help someone instead of as a burden and a dealbreaker.
ditzchic Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Well. I didn't mention anything about values and interests. That is important. In terms of the accomplishments, it's all perspective. One could have gotten the right breaks in life and ended up as a COO of a solid manufacturing firm. Another person might have had to help her sick mother in her early 20s and not gotten those same chances. I do somewhat agree on your assessment of educational level, as I feel anybody with a minimum level of motivation can at least achieve a bachelors degree, but that's where it would stop. I know a few people with doctorates married to people with only bachelors degrees. It's more about compatible levels of motivation. You're right. It's all perspective. You view accomplishments as "breaks" and "chances" while many view them goals. If it's something that was important to someone they would have done it. Or have solid plans to do it in the future. My mother for example, always wanted to go to college but grew up on the wrong side of the tracks with parents who wanted her out by the age of 18. She got married to my father 6 days after her 18th birthday, worked menial jobs, had children and they got their family in a good financial state she went to college at the age of 35 years old while working part time and raising two children. She now holds a doctorate in education at 56 years old. She didn't do it the normal way, but she made her intentions clear from the beginning and she worked towards it and did it. She never bemoaned her lack of "chances" instead she figured out a way to get it done.
ThaWholigan Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Of course dating is a selfish game. If one must compromise in most areas in your life, one should at least be allowed the discriminating about who one chooses to date/have sex/a relationship with. You're right. It's all perspective. You view accomplishments as "breaks" and "chances" while many view them goals. If it's something that was important to someone they would have done it. Or have solid plans to do it in the future. You know, I actually kinda agree with this. My brother always says things like this to me, that people don't desire to be able to change their lives, at least not enough to actually do it. That's the way I feel about it anyway, I'm not sure I am completely correct, but sometimes I find this is the case, especially financially.
NYC-BigKat Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Why does it seem that in dating, more than in most other pursuits of life, people are so selfish. They absolutely refuse to compromise. MOST of the rich people I know donate money to good causes (and a lot of the not so rich people do too). I know a lot of good smart people that took lesser paying jobs that genuinely help the less fortunate. I know a woman who could have gone to Yale Law but instead decided to go to Public Policy school and work for a nonprofit. But, in dating, it's always "What can they give me?" instead of "What can I give them?" I make XXX dollars, so he/she has to make just as much. I graduated from XXX school, so he/she should have to a similarly prestigious school. I've been around the world, I want someone who has traveled just as much too. I've NEVER seen anybody say something like, "She hasn't been around that much because she doesn't make that much. I'd really like to take her to some places." OR "You know, she has such a cute kid. I bet I could help that kid do better in school." OR "He's such a good guy, I can't believe he's never had a girl. I think I'd like to date him and help him." It kind of confuses me as to why people are so uncompromising in dating compared to most other aspects of life. It's just another facet of life, and not necessarily the most important. This is true but men are probably less selfish when it comes to dating. We dont want many things from a woman except sex and a warm meal once in a while. Thats not so bad I dont think but we get castrated for it though.
somedude81 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Dude, it's not about pity! It's about viewing a situation as an opportunity to help someone instead of as a burden and a dealbreaker. What the heck are you talking about?
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