twinkles Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 We had an undefined relationship for seven years..broke up late Oct..he left for other woman...second time he has done this. When he left I didn't stop him I just said if that's what you want to do there is nothing I can do about it. No pleading no begging I just let him go. It was devastating and I was crushed In the meantime I work on myself, new hair cut, new clothes, emptying the house of stuff no longer useful and reflecting upon myself. I start to feel better not over it just feeling better. Just before Christmas I said him a nice letter telling him I accept where things are, thank you etc etc. He aknowledges the letter with a fairly brief reply. I'm still feeling ok at this point then bango a facebook update he is now in a relationship. Knife in the heart. I text him WOW..No reply. I call, he hangs up. You see in the seven years we were dating his profile always read single. So we occasionally work together so we are in contact. We are working together New Year's Eve. Later in the evening I say you hung up on me. He denies it. The New Year rings in he hugs and kisses me. Later he drives me home and comes in for a drink. We talk. he says him and his new girlfriend are arguing all the time. We never did. I ask him why he updated his facebook status, he tells me she insisted on it because she needed validation. I ask why did you never validate me. I asked him if he brought her to to his family for Christmas dinner he said yes. I asked why did he never bring me. He couldn't answer these questions. I asked him if he was in love. He said not yet. He did mention that she is beautiful and intelligent twice. Ok I'm no hound dog and although my leanings are more to the arts I do have a brain in my head. It's getting late and he says he has to go and asks if we can have this conversation another time. I agree he asks again, I agree again. Any thoughts would be appreciated. There is more but I didn't want to make this too long.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 you want to know your biggest mistake....? Just before Christmas I said him a nice letter ..... there it is, right there. you yanked the stitches out and caused the wound to rip open and begin bleeding again. On top of that, you poked it around and made it worse... look. All this heartache, stems from your contacting him, trying to convince him (undefined relationship) that you were moving on and healing well... When it's patently obvious it's far removed from the facts. go no contact, stay no contact and at work, if you should end up meeting again, keep it entirely professional, impersonal and utterly non-confrontational.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Any thoughts would be appreciated. OK here is my thoughts. My thoughts are, why the hell are you trying to be friends with someone who cheated on you twice? If it were me I would not lift a finger to save him from the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, subjected to public inquiry, buried in soft peat for 3 months and recycled as firelighters. Why is he on your facebook friends? Why did you talk to him at the NYE party and allow him to hug and kiss you? Why did you let him give you a lift home? Why did you allow him into your house? Why did you talk about his new girlfriend when it would be far less painful for you to stick hot pokers into your eyes? If you say "cos I love him" then I'll slap you. He is 100% LOSER.
Author twinkles Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Actually the letter was very therapeutic. He was my best friend. The opening of the wounds came when he updated his status. I'm not trying to convince him that I've moved on or healing. That is something I am doing for myself. I have however accepted the fact that he is in a realtionship. Do I have a choice? I'm also not trying to convince him to come back. I'm not even sure if that's what I want.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 ...the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal... ....what?? WHAT!?! :lmao: I thought Flash Gordon had dealt with that soffabitch.....!!!
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 He was my best friend. Yes, WAS. Now he is your b@stard cheating ex. Unfriend him on facebook, do not text, email, speak or smoke signal him ever again except what is absolutely necessary due to work, and keep that contact businesslike and impersonal as TM said. The opening of the wounds came when he updated his status. Exactly. Seeing this kind of thing will naturally make you feel bad. If you want to move on then you need to NC this a-hole. @TM: http://h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/A387029
Author twinkles Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 you see peg..he has a daughter who's mother abandoned her and she was also a big part of my life. It's alot harder to let go of two people. He's always looking for something he thinks is better but seems to come back to me. This is what I have trouble understanding. Why can't he take that next step with me.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 You need to stop thinking about HIM and start thinking about YOU. You cannot control his actions but you CAN control your own. Yes it is painful but the more you poke the wound the longer it will take to heal.
Author twinkles Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 He's poking too. When we are at work he is doing some approaching and touching me. Luckily i won't have to communicate with him for the next few weeks so that will help. I am thinking more about myself than him and I know I cannot control his actions nor do I want to. He has to do his own realizations.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 He's poking too. When we are at work he is doing some approaching and touching me. Well you need to tell him to cut that sh*t. Tell him to stop. If it carries on then tell him you'll report him for sexual harassment. If it still carries on then do so.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 PNP's nailed it. and may i just say.... People come on looking for advice, but somehow, funnily enough, when other people point out the pitfalls, they back-pedal and try to justify stuff.... everything you say might have been valid once - but in order to move on, you have to drop the lot. He's EX. Gone. Leave well alone, check the No Contact guide, and stick with it. Hell, I would leave FB altogether.... @PNP...."daft as a brush" indeed....!
Author twinkles Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 crap my link thread seems broken..I'll check back later
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Hey, no problem. Talk later.... we have all the time in the world....
lolita jade Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Hi Twinks, You did what you felt right. I am still in NC. It is hard as I was his best friend for 25 yrs. It is the friendship I miss but I do realise it has to be this way. Is he arguing with his ow or is he saying that to make you feel good?
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Is he arguing with his ow or is he saying that to make you feel good? Allow me to answer this question on the OP's behalf. This is what she should be answering. "I don't give a crap! I'm not going to ask him because I am in NC. He can do what he likes. His relationship with his new GF is nothing to do with me and I do not want to know any of the details."
Author twinkles Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Peg I was actually quite happy to know that they were arguing. He sounded rather irratated about it. I'm using light contact with him. He has called me, I have called him. I have not brought up getting back together nor will I...he hasn't either. We haven't talked since Saturday. I'm having trouble with my login here on LS so I hope this gets through.
Author twinkles Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 Hi Lolita, Did you get through Christmas ok. Did you hear from him at all?
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I'm using light contact with him. Yes, and that is what is keeping the wounds open. If you want to heal then you should cut him off completely. It's quite beyond me why you would want to ever talk again to someone who cheated on you once, let alone twice!
Author twinkles Posted January 6, 2012 Author Posted January 6, 2012 I can't answer that one Peg. He's looking for something that he doesn't think I can offer him. Who am I to stop him. I guess what I would like to know is why he keeps coming back. He's had one foot out the door during the whole relationship but can't seem to leave. A part of me wants him and a part of me wants him to just go away. Maybe this time he will.
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 He will not go away until you slam the door in his face.
Recommended Posts