Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 I know whether I'm interested enough to pursue a relationship with them in a month, absolutely. I certainly don't love them or want to marry them or be with them forever. But I really don't have a problem letting other attractive "options" evade my vision once I decide to be exclusive with someone. Those people will still be there if and when things don't work out. In fact, those people will always be there. There will always be someone more attractive, more wealthy, or more educated. But when I find someone I click with that meets my needs and wants, and I enjoy being with him, I turn my "seeker" off. I focus on building a relationship and getting to know him, rather than finding the next better thing. I'd almost go as far as to say that those who compulsively multi-date are the more desperate ones, because they're afraid of being alone if they don't always have someone on the back-burner. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with you, OP, just trying to explain my viewpoint. We're just different. For the record, I've really only had long-term relationships. I was with my college boyfriend for 2.5 years, my boyfriend after him for 3 years, and my current boyfriend for 8 months now. I've dated other men, but known after one or two dates that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with them. My relationships have, for the most part, been healthy, mutually respectful, and happy. So I have to believe I'm doing something right. To answer your "boyfriend" question, I don't really know, I just know that we've agreed, within the one month mark, that neither of us want to see other people. My relationship with my current boyfriend has actually moved rather slow. We didn't exchange "I love you"s until recently, and are only just now meeting each other's families. But we knew from a very early point that we had chemistry and that we were very compatible...it was undeniable. When I find that with someone I like to give it a chance to grow, rather than constantly have my feelers out for someone "better." Got it.. makes sense. All my relationships in the past were average 2 years. See.. here's the thing... at what point are you boyfriend, girlfriend? I always thought it's after you become exclusive. But I guess there is a period of time between being exclusive and becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Got it.. makes sense. All my relationships in the past were average 2 years. See.. here's the thing... at what point are you boyfriend, girlfriend? I always thought it's after you become exclusive. But I guess there is a period of time between being exclusive and becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. The whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing has never really happened "by the book" for me...we've never sat down and said "Okay, so we're boyfriend and girlfriend, right?" It's just happened naturally. In my current relationship, we established exclusivity about four weeks in. The first time I remember him referring to me as his "girlfriend" was somewhere around the two month mark, and it just kind of came out during a conversation. Ever since around that time we've just referred to each other that way. Even our "exclusivity" conversation was pretty informal and natural. We were laying on his couch talking, and he said "by the way, I'm not saying this to pressure you, but I just wanted to let you know I'm not seeing anyone else." I shared that I also was not seeing anyone else, and we were happy, and that was it.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I know whether I'm interested enough to pursue a relationship with them in a month, absolutely. I certainly don't love them or want to marry them or be with them forever. But I really don't have a problem letting other attractive "options" evade my vision once I decide to be exclusive with someone.The trouble is, as caring and sincere and proper as that may sound, a man, no matter what the status of his dealings with a woman, has no real way of actually knowing what is in her mind and heart. He generally gets the truth retrospectively, meaning after the fact, and can only draw inferences from past experience related to cues from such experience. All the rest is pure trust and that can be quite a challenge with a relative stranger, especially if the man has experienced betrayal in his past. Sound familiar? Such issues are gender-blind, IMO. This is why, though I've never heard it admitted to in real time clearly by anyone I've dated or been in a relationship, women, at least every one I've had the pleasure of dating, keep their options open with other men, generally at least until the exclusivity talk and/or sexual activity begins. They might or might not be doing the horizontal mambo or even swapping some major spit with the others, but they're entertaining the possibilities. I heard such directly from my exW (far later, after we were engaged) as well as female friends who would never date me but did enjoy sharing their escapades over the years. It's in their best interest both ways to never tell (a potential partner) as such disclosure weakens their power position relative to any meaningful potentials. Most men don't prefer to be one of 'a group' any more than women do. I recall trying it (multi-dating) for a short period back in my early 30's but quit after a couple months because I had a hard time keeping the names and relevant histories straight I learned another important lesson, that being to stop thinking I was being attentive by remembering all the gibberish they shared; they didn't care about what I remembered, rather about the validation from having an audience. Hopefully, all the 'better deal' women I cornered now have their better deal and won't be an issue for the OP. One can hope. If they had daughters, and a couple did....um...apples and trees I recall a great statement by an OP in a thread about how many men would actually wait months for 'intimacy' with a woman.... "I don't think 1 month (like shown in movies) is enough time. But I'm getting the feeling some are impatient and would expect me to already be ready by then. I like taking my time, not being rushed. " Indeed OP, you like taking your time and not being rushed, it appears. Onward.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 The trouble is, as caring and sincere and proper as that may sound, a man, no matter what the status of his dealings with a woman, has no real way of actually knowing what is in her mind and heart. He generally gets the truth retrospectively, meaning after the fact, and can only draw inferences from past experience related to cues from such experience. All the rest is pure trust and that can be quite a challenge with a relative stranger, especially if the man has experienced betrayal in his past. Sound familiar? Such issues are gender-blind, IMO. I definitely understand that, carhill, and am certainly compassionate to that viewpoint. That's why I was trying to be careful not to persecute or villify the OP for his ways. I was just trying to explain my viewpoint the best that I could, so that maybe he'd have some insight into what a few of these "speedy" women might be thinking.
Casablanca Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 So this one girl, maybe 3 dates. Others about 1 or 2 dates. 4 total prospects. Over the span of maybe... 3 weeks to a month But really? So the exclusive thing should happen within less than 1 month?! Ok, I am doing this completely wrong. So should I concentrate on one, spend about say 3, 4 dates to decide if I want to continue... if not, then I drop this person, then message others? Ignore all other messages my way during the time? Okay this isnt so bad if you make a decision some what soon or at least trim down the list....you should have a good idea after 3 dates...I had this impression of this going on for months and countless dates. But she has a right to know if she asks, but she shouldnt have an issue with it, that is how dating works sometimes...and she just needs to bare with it, she could have been the one, but a bit of insecurity keeps it from ever happening. Whether you liked her enough to be exclusive would not have changed if you were only dating her compared to having dates with a couple women.
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