Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Here's my problem with girls with dating, especially online. Rush rush rush. I don't take an obscene amount of time to decide, but they do need to realize I have a bunch of other girls I am "dating" at the same time. Maybe some of them don't understand multi-dating, but I don't like it when a girl accuse me of being too slow in showing affection. First off, I don't kiss or hold every girl's hand. I flirt, sure... but if they want some sort of.. uh... commitment? Sorry, that word is foreign to me at the early stage of dating. It's a shame because they don't understand how it takes time to get to know all the girls I am "dating" at the same time before I say "Ok you are the person I must pursue, I will quit the others" I have given up a few girls because they wanted me to stop seeing others so quickly. Please, it's not my fault you don't have anyone else. Sorry for the rant... but especially with online dating, this can be very common. Such a shame, they could have been good people.
misssmartypants Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 You sound kind of sleezey. I'm glad you don't live near me.
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) You sound kind of sleezey. I'm glad you don't live near me. You might be right. Going on lunch date and coffee date to get to know people is sleazy. I guess I should just lie next time a girl asks me if I am "seeing" someone else. I told them it's early stages and let's chill for a bit. Ok, maybe I was a bit harsh with my words, just frustrated. But you're right though, I'll take your advice. I'm going to take a break from LS Edited January 5, 2012 by Pizzaman81
jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Here's my problem with girls with dating, especially online. Rush rush rush. I don't take an obscene amount of time to decide, but they do need to realize I have a bunch of other girls I am "dating" at the same time. Maybe some of them don't understand multi-dating, but I don't like it when a girl accuse me of being too slow in showing affection. First off, I don't kiss or hold every girl's hand. I flirt, sure... but if they want some sort of.. uh... commitment? Sorry, that word is foreign to me at the early stage of dating. It's a shame because they don't understand how it takes time to get to know all the girls I am "dating" at the same time before I say "Ok you are the person I must pursue, I will quit the others" I have given up a few girls because they wanted me to stop seeing others so quickly. Please, it's not my fault you don't have anyone else. Sorry for the rant... but especially with online dating, this can be very common. Such a shame, they could have been good people. Bolded ... LOL! So women who you haven't kissed yet ask you to be exclusive with them? Well, that's their fault. Honestly, I'd date many women and have sex with them at the same time as long as they didn't ask if I was with someone else. If they did, then I'd be honest and drop all the rest (to be fair, I've only ever had 2 women at once) for the one. As long as you're honest about it, I don't see a problem with it. I think many women have been burned by players and are asking you the 'exclusive' question early on because they don't want to be burned again. Such is the risk when you invest early emotionally. Tsk, tsk. Oh ... and as usual, your success with women sickens me! Kidding...
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Thanks for the bold! yes, I can see that they are afraid of "players" but I just go on coffee and lunch dates. In fact the only physical touch I ever do are a pat on the back! Gee... I hardly even hug people. I am really careful on not to do lots of physical affection early on!! But once I start, she will be the ONLY one. Ok, I am taking the advice of another member here, next thread you will see me start will be a positive "I've found the ONE" thread. So bye for now.
misssmartypants Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Or you've said or done something that sent them the message that you were interested in them. And they asked for a clarification because the definition of a player is a man who strings multiple women along without ever committing to or investing emotionally in any of them. They are well within their rights to ask what you intentions are, and to make clear that unless you want to make a step towards something meaningful they aren't interested.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 That's the nature of OLD. Things tend to move really fast IME. Either one person will be done with the other after the first date, or they will want to lock you down for a relationship. Well if you're a cool guy (as you seem to be), they are going to try to lock you down.
Casablanca Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Or you've said or done something that sent them the message that you were interested in them. And they asked for a clarification because the definition of a player is a man who strings multiple women along without ever committing to or investing emotionally in any of them. They are well within their rights to ask what you intentions are, and to make clear that unless you want to make a step towards something meaningful they aren't interested. I agree with this...they just want to know where you stand Also how many dates and how long are we talking with how many women?
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) I agree with this...they just want to know where you stand Also how many dates and how long are we talking with how many women? So this one girl, maybe 3 dates. Others about 1 or 2 dates. 4 total prospects. Over the span of maybe... 3 weeks to a month But really? So the exclusive thing should happen within less than 1 month?! Ok, I am doing this completely wrong. So should I concentrate on one, spend about say 3, 4 dates to decide if I want to continue... if not, then I drop this person, then message others? Ignore all other messages my way during the time? If what I am doing is being a "player" then I should stop. I thought a "player" is someone who kisses, touches, have sex with multiple women without any future. If I don't become interested, trust me, I NEVER contact the person ever again. Maybe it is the nature of online dating. You two meet knowing exactly why you meet... dating. If I were to meet girls from friends, I could pretend to stay friends with them for a long time, and with a bunch and no one would care. I may wonder, will she slip away if I continue to be "friends." She may wonder "does he like me in that way?" I DO want a future with all my prospects, but it just takes me a bit longer to figure it out, in the mean time I don't do anything crazy. Like this one girl asked me to go up to her place on the SECOND date. I declined!!! I said, "it's only the second date, I not a good idea" Alright, so I should a) show no interest b) don't smile while talking to them (because that's what f@#$ gets them everytime) c) see one girl to the end at a time Ok after this round, I promise I will do that. My multidating days will come to an end soon. Thanks for the advices guys! No seriously. And misssmartypants, please forgive me, and if we ever meet in the future... and I compliment you, don't take it personally.. sheesh Edited January 5, 2012 by Pizzaman81
misssmartypants Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Actually yeah, how can you decide if this or that girl is worth spending serious time and emotion on if you are always thinking about the next "prospect". "she's cute, but that one makes good money" "This one has a great body but the other one is into my fav activity" It goes on and on. A player is a person who is not up front with the other person. Sex is only one way to be a player. Emotions are another way. If a girl thinks you might be interested, but you aren't even paying attention, that's being a player. Carefully with holding physical contact doesn't mean you aren't stringing them along. If you really have that many women interested in you, then what's the problem with dating one at a time. If you don't feel sparks after the first or second date, let her know and move on. I think people who multi-date get off on the excitement. Its an ego boost.
jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 So this one girl, maybe 3 dates. Others about 1 or 2 dates. 4 total prospects. Over the span of maybe... 3 weeks to a month But really? So the exclusive thing should happen within less than 1 month?! Ok, I am doing this completely wrong. So should I concentrate on one, spend about say 3, 4 dates to decide if I want to continue... if not, then I drop this person, then message others? Ignore all other messages my way during the time? If what I am doing is being a "player" then I should stop. I thought a "player" is someone who kisses, touches, have sex with multiple women without any future. If I don't become interested, trust me, I NEVER contact the person ever again. Maybe it is the nature of online dating. You two meet knowing exactly why you meet... dating. If I were to meet girls from friends, I could pretend to stay friends with them for a long time, and with a bunch and no one would care. I may wonder, will she slip away if I continue to be "friends." She may wonder "does he like me in that way?" I DO want a future with all my prospects, but it just takes me a bit longer to figure it out, in the mean time I don't do anything crazy. Like this one girl asked me to go up to her place on the SECOND date. I declined!!! I said, "it's only the second date, I not a good idea" Alright, so I should a) show no interest b) don't smile while talking to them (because that's what f@#$ gets them everytime) c) see one girl to the end at a time Ok after this round, I promise I will do that. My multidating days will come to an end soon. Thanks for the advices guys! No seriously. And misssmartypants, please forgive me, and if we ever meet in the future... and I compliment you, don't take it personally.. sheesh It's just you bro. It usually takes me two dates to convince a woman that I'm even a romantic PROSPECT. The earliest a woman I've been dating has asked me to be exclusive is slightly over two months of dating. If they're getting that wrapped up around you after a date of two, that's their own fault. I don't care what physicality happened. You're by no means a player for doing what you're doing. A player is a guy who tell all those girls she is indeed the only one for him and then continue to see them all. BIG difference. As long as you're not exclusive, you're free to date other women and she's free to date other men.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Actually yeah, how can you decide if this or that girl is worth spending serious time and emotion on if you are always thinking about the next "prospect". "she's cute, but that one makes good money" "This one has a great body but the other one is into my fav activity" It goes on and on. A player is a person who is not up front with the other person. Sex is only one way to be a player. Emotions are another way. If a girl thinks you might be interested, but you aren't even paying attention, that's being a player. Carefully with holding physical contact doesn't mean you aren't stringing them along. If you really have that many women interested in you, then what's the problem with dating one at a time. If you don't feel sparks after the first or second date, let her know and move on. I think people who multi-date get off on the excitement. Its an ego boost. If you were male and had that kind of attitude you would be one of the "Bitter Boys" on this forum.
misssmartypants Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 If you were male and had that kind of attitude you would be one of the "Bitter Boys" on this forum. Because I think he ought to be upfront with them and not be irritated when they don't want to be part of his harem? Is it not possible that he's feeling no chemistry because he thinks he's going to do better with the next one? I certainly can't fall for someone after only a few dates, and I wouldn't want to try to fall for someone who was still actively pursuing other women. Its a double edged sword.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 RE Concentrating on one at a time.... Sorry, but that is not how a lot of women do online dating. Many of them have a few dates lined up in a week. Not all, but enough of them so that Pizzaman can't really make assumptions. In fact, if Pizzaman were a little more "average" the women he is seeing would not be nearly so quick to pin him down (pun partially intended). Besides even all of the above, it truly does take some time to know whether you are compatible enough with someone to become exclusive. That hasn't changed, even given the ADD times we now live in. So when did taking this time become such a bad thing?
jobaba Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 If you were male and had that kind of attitude you would be one of the "Bitter Boys" on this forum. Yep. Pretty spot on...
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Because I think he ought to be upfront with them and not be irritated when they don't want to be part of his harem? Isn't that assumed in the early stages of dating? These girls were likely seeing other people themselves, and as I said before, if Pizzaman were more "average", and they wouldn't want to give seeing other guys up! These girls wouldn't feel the need to tell him either (other than by being flaky and hard to pin down for the next date). Is it not possible that he's feeling no chemistry because he thinks he's going to do better with the next one? I certainly can't fall for someone after only a few dates, and I wouldn't want to try to fall for someone who was still actively pursuing other women. Its a double edged sword.I have no idea. I do think that everyone, male OR female, reserves the right to make the best choice they possibly can, for themselves. Someone who has options fully gets this concept. Edited January 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
misssmartypants Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Well hell, maybe I'm the weird one. I've never even been tempted to multidate. Its hard enough to find time to fit one person's schedule into my life, let alone working three or four in. HMMM, maybe if I acted more like a multi dating jerk I wouldn't be so broken hearted.
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Honestly, i have made decisions that were poor in the past when jumping into a relationship. And I stick with the relationship to try to make it work through tough times. I admit, I may be a little slow right now... But really tired to telling the girl I care about her the. It ends up not working. Whatever please excuse the typos i'm on my iphone and on my way to a date.
FitChick Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I don't think it's a problem unless one person is having multiple sex partners.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Personally, and I am not a "whirlwind romance" type, nor a "my biological clock is ticking type", but I've always had exclusivity established in less than a month in my relationships. I'd start to feel uncomfortable if we were going on 3, 4, 5 date territory and I had no idea whether he was seeing other women. I don't multi-date, so I think this is fair. Although it's never even been an issue; my current boyfriend as well as my previous one initiated exclusivity within a few weeks. I guess if I multi-dated I might feel differently, but I'm just not comfortable doing that. I find it difficult to really get to know someone and appreciate all the aspects of their personality if I'm constantly comparing them with "Guy B" and "Guy C."
Dust Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I'm all for going after more then one women at a time... but it really shouldn't take as many dates as it takes you to start feeling something for a girl. I mean your the same guy who made the "I feel meh for this girl" thread. Parapharasing of course...
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Personally, and I am not a "whirlwind romance" type, nor a "my biological clock is ticking type", but I've always had exclusivity established in less than a month in my relationships. I'd start to feel uncomfortable if we were going on 3, 4, 5 date territory and I had no idea whether he was seeing other women. I don't multi-date, so I think this is fair. Although it's never even been an issue; my current boyfriend as well as my previous one initiated exclusivity within a few weeks. I guess if I multi-dated I might feel differently, but I'm just not comfortable doing that. I find it difficult to really get to know someone and appreciate all the aspects of their personality if I'm constantly comparing them with "Guy B" and "Guy C." So you are saying in less than a month with one person, if another guy comes along and he is in your eyes better you would ignore him and stick with the guy you went on a few dates with? Wow, is it because you feel bad for the guy or something? Or you already started sexing it up so soon that you'd feel dirty for "dumping" the guy. So you are saying in less than a month the guy is your boyfriend... Ok speedy gonzales
Dust Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 So you are saying in less than a month with one person, if another guy comes along and he is in your eyes better you would ignore him and stick with the guy you went on a few dates with? Wow, is it because you feel bad for the guy or something? Or you already started sexing it up so soon that you'd feel dirty for "dumping" the guy. So you are saying in less than a month the guy is your boyfriend... Ok speedy gonzales Thats not the scenario you're living. Not to mention I wouldn't date a girl unless I found her hot, and I wouldn't date her seriously until I had started getting to know her and that takes a few dates. Now if I find her hot from the begining, and I got to know her and now am deeply interested sure I'll notice some other hot chicks but likely hood of me breaking up with the girl for that reason are slim to none.
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I've yet to meet a woman who wasn't dating multiple men or had a boyfriend or was married. Not even the woman I married. They taught me a lot. You're doing fine OP. Keep up the good work. I'd even suggest ramping up the non-sexual physical affection a bit. Get to know, get to know.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) So you are saying in less than a month with one person, if another guy comes along and he is in your eyes better you would ignore him and stick with the guy you went on a few dates with? Wow, is it because you feel bad for the guy or something? Or you already started sexing it up so soon that you'd feel dirty for "dumping" the guy. So you are saying in less than a month the guy is your boyfriend... Ok speedy gonzales I know whether I'm interested enough to pursue a relationship with them in a month, absolutely. I certainly don't love them or want to marry them or be with them forever. But I really don't have a problem letting other attractive "options" evade my vision once I decide to be exclusive with someone. Those people will still be there if and when things don't work out. In fact, those people will always be there. There will always be someone more attractive, more wealthy, or more educated. But when I find someone I click with that meets my needs and wants, and I enjoy being with him, I turn my "seeker" off. I focus on building a relationship and getting to know him, rather than finding the next better thing. I'd almost go as far as to say that those who compulsively multi-date are the more desperate ones, because they're afraid of being alone if they don't always have someone on the back-burner. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with you, OP, just trying to explain my viewpoint. We're just different. For the record, I've really only had long-term relationships. I was with my college boyfriend for 2.5 years, my boyfriend after him for 3 years, and my current boyfriend for 8 months now. I've dated other men, but known after one or two dates that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with them. My relationships have, for the most part, been healthy, mutually respectful, and happy. So I have to believe I'm doing something right. To answer your "boyfriend" question, I don't really know, I just know that we've agreed, within the one month mark, that neither of us want to see other people. My relationship with my current boyfriend has actually moved rather slow. We didn't exchange "I love you"s until recently, and are only just now meeting each other's families. But we knew from a very early point that we had chemistry and that we were very compatible...it was undeniable. When I find that with someone I like to give it a chance to grow, rather than constantly have my feelers out for someone "better." Edited January 5, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup
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