hikaru Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Well, that's technically not true, we had a relationship, it was more than friends. So I met this awesome girl on OKcupid, she's cute, she's environmentally conscious, we have a lot of the same opinions and ideals. She's also incredibly generous, volunteers, is a very, very giving person. I liked her, was attracted to her, but wasn't feeling "it", the spark, romantic chemistry, pick your poison. She invites me to her birthday party, which would be the third time we'd spend any time together. Well, one thing led to another, and we'd gotten a couple steps ahead of ourselves(sex). I didn't want it to go that fast, but it was comfortable being with her, and cuddling was awesome, she's an amazing cuddler! Anyway, I spent the next day with her, just hanging out...still not feeling "it"...something just felt off. So more time goes by, I came over to have drinks at a local-foods restaurant with her and some friends of hers on her actual bday. Just one beer, was a social outing, nothing crazy. I drive her back to her place since it's frigid and she was going to walk. Well, she invites me to stay over, and at that point, it was almost 1am(we talked a lot). She said we could stay, cuddle, well, we went too far again. Still, she makes no mention of a proper relationship, but does tell me often, that she "really likes me". I tell her that I like her to, and even express my unease, just felt unsure. I also didn't really like that we'd rushed certain aspects. Anyway, today I realized this unease was that I felt nothing romantic for her. I was hoping it would happen, but it didn't. Her attachment made me really not want to bring it up, but I had to. I couldn't lead her on. So I told her, and she didn't take it well. Her reaction caused me to actually tear up, because she definitely does not deserve to feel this way. I want to remain friends with her, because she's the kind of person I could see being friends with for life, but I guess I wont know for a while. I told her I understood if being friends wasn't possible, she said she'd just need time...she kept saying I never opened up, which was what I actually said to my ex when she told me she wanted an open relationship. She said she appreciated my honesty, but kept asking if there was something wrong with her. I reassured her that she's an amazing person, hopefully she believes at least that much to be true, because she really is. I'm hungry, but I feel so awful for making such a good person feel this way, that I don't want to feed myself. I've never had to reject someone this way...we weren't even together, yet, she was so hurt. I think this was completely out of the blue for her too... I didn't feel this serious about her, I tried to make that evident, but she still got very close to me...Now I feel like an ass for even considering responding to requests to meet up on that website... I just really hope we can be friends. edit- the rational part of me is fighting the emotional part...we shared a lot of common interests that are fairly rare among people my age...I'm potentially killing any chance for even a friendship with her just because of a feeling? Edited January 5, 2012 by hikaru
CaliBabe Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I will tell you what I "think" happened here. Everytime women reach orgasm they release a chemical called oxytocin which is a chemical that makes women bond. Each time you guys were intimate she was bonding and becoming attached. I am currently in the same situation right now, where the guy I was casually sleeping with I developed feelings for. I am currently putting myself on check and realigning my emotions. She may be very caught up in her emotions right now. Give her some time, she will be alright.
Author hikaru Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) I will tell you what I "think" happened here. Everytime women reach orgasm they release a chemical called oxytocin which is a chemical that makes women bond. Each time you guys were intimate she was bonding and becoming attached. I am currently in the same situation right now, where the guy I was casually sleeping with I developed feelings for. I am currently putting myself on check and realigning my emotions. She may be very caught up in her emotions right now. Give her some time, she will be alright. Can that happen without orgasm? because she said she never had one with me, really hard to read her, I assumed she had until she told me otherwise. She rushed us into sex, I honestly didn't want to move fast, and I didn't want anything casual, neither did she. Edited January 5, 2012 by hikaru
BoredAgain Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Personally, I think we can drop the neurotransmitter talk. After all, what happened seems pretty simple to me. While you two were getting to know each other and being intimate, she had high hopes that a relationship would blossom. You killed that hope, so she's upset. Frankly, Hikaru, you did the right thing by not leading her on too long... maybe next time come clean about your feelings a bit sooner. As for being friends with her, don't push it. Give her the time and space she needs.
Author hikaru Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Personally, I think we can drop the neurotransmitter talk. After all, what happened seems pretty simple to me. While you two were getting to know each other and being intimate, she had high hopes that a relationship would blossom. You killed that hope, so she's upset. Frankly, Hikaru, you did the right thing by not leading her on too long... maybe next time come clean about your feelings a bit sooner. As for being friends with her, don't push it. Give her the time and space she needs. Yea, I'll give her time. I feel like an ass, but the last time I didn't listen to my feelings, I ended up staying in an unfulfilling relationship for almost a year.. Who knows, maybe I just need to be friends with her longer, but I didn't want to say that. She may think it means I just need more time, which she already assumed of me, since she saw me as not opening up.
shayla Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I have to agree with the theory of the way women bond to men through sex. I think this is one of the biggest reasons many women say they are unable to have FWB relationships. Nothing worse than feeling bonded to someone you don't know well, and it feels beyond control. That is how it was in my experience. Never again for me....it's so much easier to get to know a man before intimacy, may still happen, but at least knowing the other person helps to prevent the feelings from growing too quickly, or artificially from sex.
CaliBabe Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Heh, neurotransmitter talk. It's only science. GOOGLE IT!
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Heh, neurotransmitter talk. It's only science. GOOGLE IT! As someone who loves science, I can say the neurotransmitter talk holds truth haha. I have read up on it and it does kind of fuel why women become attached after having sex
Dust Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 As someone who loves science, I can say the neurotransmitter talk holds truth haha. I have read up on it and it does kind of fuel why women become attached after having sex I'm neurotransmitting right now
Author hikaru Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 I wonder if I've made a mistake...if I shouldn't have held out longer? At the same time, if the infatuation/lust/romantic urges aren't felt in the relationships infancy I can't say I've ever developed them further down the road. I had to go through what she is going through almost exactly. A little under a year ago I was seeing someone who stated up front they didn't want a "relationship" and that we'd just see where things went...we had compatibility, a "spark"(or at least I had butterflies), but after 2 months she said her "heart wasn't in it"...and then she completely stopped talking to me. Difference in this situation is that in this one there wasn't nearly the same amount of desire shared between us, and I honestly believe my life would be improved by having a friend like her in it. This is really odd territory for me, and I do feel fairly awful. As for the sex thing, I think she saw us as incredibly compatible...she seemed infatuated with me prior to anything sexual, so I have a hard time believing that's solely what amplified everything for her.
CaliBabe Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I'm not saying that it is soley what did it, but it does come into play. Maybe she just got really attached and was infatuated. In any case, I really think NC will help her get some perspective. She sounds like a nice girl, I'm sure she will be open to friendship in a little time.
geegirl Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) We "neurotransmit"...I agree. It plays a part in women attaching far sooner than men. Edited January 5, 2012 by geegirl
Author hikaru Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 We "neurotransmit"...I agree. It plays a part in women attaching far sooner than men. Which is funny, because the last 2/3 women I've tried to have a relationship with didn't attach at all, and they were much more sexually interested in me than the one this thread is about. As for her, I'm a broken record, I know, but I hope she'll get over me enough so that we can be friends...it was comfortable just doing things together. Neither of us really have many friends in the area, so here's hoping...
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