Veryconfused12345 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Dear Lovely People of Loveshack, I know many people do this after they've had a break up-absence does make the heart grow fonder after all... I'm just sitting here thinking why, after I have been manipulated, strung along, cheated on, and then essentially rejected again (yeah, I'm not so proud of the fact I ever considered going back to him) by my fiance, I just can't seem to see him for the jerk I logically know that he is.... I mean, I know a kind decent guy who I can respect wouldn't ever pull some of the stunts this guy did, but does anyone else have any experiences of idealizing someone they know isn't a good person? I'm sure we've all been there to some extent. Just hoping to hear that this might actually fade because I just can't seem to reconcile the person I had in my head with the person he actually is. Some would say completely villifying someone isn't helpful and you should just learn to forgive and let go, but I can't help but think those people are much further along in the process than I am. I thought I'd be much better after 3 months!!!!!
fificremefarben Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Oh, I'm right there with you. In my 4 year relationship, I essentially dealt with two different guys in the one man. Throughout my childhood (we were childhood friends) and for the first 2 years of our relationship, he was the sweetest guy. Everyone loved him and thought he was such a decent guy. Two years into the relationship, he went through some tough family times and he really changed. I know it wasn't his fault, but he completely reversed. All of our friends noticed this change too and, although i did, I loved him so much that I put up with things a lot longer than I should. Anyway, after all of the crap he eventually put me through in the final 2 years of the relationship (the lying, the cheating and leaving me for another woman), I still can't see him as anything other than the amazing guy I fell in love with. I know I could never take him back if he ever chose to come back, that the damage he's done is irreparable but I still can't shake the feeling that that guy I loved will re-emerge one day and see the light. 5 months post-BU and I'm finally doing well again, but the idea of the great guy he was coming back again is the one thing I still can't seem to shake. I'm sure that, in time, that too will eventually begin to fade. Chin up, the day will come, I'm sure, when you're finally able to knock him off of that pedestal. xx
Wings Of Love Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I know this feeling too well. My ex and I were only together 15 months, but he was such a wonderful person to begin with. He was sweet and shy, he got on brilliantly with my family who accepted him as one of us, he treated me like a princess and he proudly introduced my to his family, friends and even work mates as "my amazing girlfriend". Perhaps a little cliché, but I found it adorable.I could not find fault with him back then, but it never crossed my mind that he was too perfect. Eventually he started making comments to me about my family. This resulted in me having many arguments with them. Then he started insisting I do things I didn't enjoy doing, and I felt so bad if I refused. And he felt it was fine to sing the praises of other women, despite knowing I'm very insecure. After he left, he dated woman after woman (and is still doing so now, nearly 3 years on). He reappeared in my life suddenly after a year and fed me lies about falling for me all over again, and after he got what he wanted, he left again. I discovered soon after that he'd cheated on me when we were a couple. Despite how much he had changed, I thought of him as this perfect being and I knew I'd go running back to him the moment he clicked his fingers. And in all honesty, those feelings have only just started to leave me in the last few months. He is gradually losing that status I bestowed upon him, and any power he held over me. It has taken me almost 3 years now. Please, give yourself more time. There is no time limit in which you have to move on. Take all the time you need, do what you need to do to heal. Good luck.
Exit Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Veryconfused - I can definitely relate to the experience that you are asking about: idealizing someone who is nowhere near a good person. I miss the person she pretended to be when she was with me, the person who lied when she talked about how much effort she'd be willing to put into getting our relationship back on track. I miss someone who technically doesn't exist. And it's not just a "slight" difference between who I imagine her to be and who she really is, the sad fact is that the real her is one of the worst people I've ever known. How can I still be missing this person?! In terms of all the people I've ever met, she ranks among the lowest in terms of honesty, integrity, character, loyalty, and basically anything good. I have never known someone to lie so easily, to disguise themselves with different personalities depending on who they are with, to let their loyalties change like the wind, and to make choices with zero regard for how it affects others. Yet I still miss her. Well, only the "her" that I thought she had the potential to be. Some of us are just too loving, we try to have so much faith in someone and believe that there's a good heart inside of them, because we would like to be treated the same. I want people to have faith in me when I mess up that I'm going to fix it. But we take this way too far, we have faith in people who time and time again have openly shown us who they really are. They kick us in the teeth repeatedly yet we just keep saying "that's not really them". I also understand how you are torn about learning to hate the person, and whether that's really a helpful part of healing or not. Of course in a perfect world, we would all take the "forgive, forget, and let them go" route. But in reality, I think experiencing the anger is helpful, but only temporarily. It's not even about allowing yourself to "hate" them, all you really need to do is let that false image of them in your mind be erased by the truth of who they really are. Hating them is optional, but it's more just about making the shift from "I lost the most amazing person ever" to "this person lied, hurt me, was selfish, etc etc". But as I said, I do think this should only be a temporary part of the healing. Don't carry around negative feelings forever. Hang onto the anger just long enough to shatter that fake image of them, then come to terms with who they really are, and then at that point, you can choose to forgive and let it go. That doesn't mean you need to contact them and tell them about it, and forgiveness doesn't even mean that you're saying "what they did was acceptable and I'm not mad anymore". What they did is still wrong, but the forgiveness is just a step that you take for yourself, to realize that they were just another imperfect human, and you're going to let them out of your heart and back into the world, where maybe they will learn their lesson, or maybe they won't. All of this is easier said than done of course. I know exactly how you feel though. My ex was a nasty nasty person, truly lacking a heart and soul, but when I sit here and miss her, I picture the girl I used to have fun with and who made me smile. Some day I need to realize it was fake. Edited January 5, 2012 by Exit
wilsonx Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 im curious, how old are all your ex's I read the same thing in common with all of you guys
fificremefarben Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 im curious, how old are all your ex's I read the same thing in common with all of you guys we're both 24 (20 when we got together).
wilsonx Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 im just waiting for the other 2 people to respond lower 20s before i share my outtake on this situation because all 3 stories are exactly the same
lilyblue Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I totally do this too. I find it very hard to reconcile the person I "knew" with the action he took. I had much more experience with his wonderful side than with his not-so-wonderful side, so I think that's part of it. One awful action vs many that were great.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your replies. I was thinking about this after I posted it and I wonder if some of this lies in insecurity-the second the other person, as much as a jerk as they might be controls the situation-the default reaction for a person such as myself is to assume that they are superior or know something I don't know. To everyone who's posted here, I'm curious to know how much you deferred to your exes? It's just the second my ex started behaving like this I naturally assumed that it was someone I had done wrong. How could it be him having a midlife crisis or going off the rails? It must be my own failings that led to this. That easily translates into "he was the one that got away." Hmmmm Wilsonx, I'm 28 and my ex fiance is 32. I understand that it might be a symptom of young love and adjusting to the realities of adult relationships, etc but I'm just really worried that this is a pattern in myself where I pine after someone who frankly, wasn't all that fantastic. It's easier to idealize them when they hold all the power.
Exit Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 im just waiting for the other 2 people to respond lower 20s before i share my outtake on this situation because all 3 stories are exactly the same Yup lower 20s of course for my ex.
Philosoraptor Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 When we are away from someone it is much easier to focus on their good parts then look at them logically as a whole person. Find a way to truly examine the past and truly forgive your ex for their wrongdoings. After that forgive yourself for your mistakes and make a promise to yourself to not repeat them. After this you will be able to find peace inside and love yourself like you need to be loved.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) I'm just sitting here thinking why, after I have been manipulated, strung along, cheated on, and then essentially rejected again (yeah, I'm not so proud of the fact I ever considered going back to him) by my fiance, I just can't seem to see him for the jerk I logically know that he is.... Lets say I ring a bell before giving a dog a treat. I do this each day. Pretty soon (maybe within a week, definitely within a month) the dog will associate the bell ringing with the treats. He will expect a treat when he hears a bell ring, in fact he will experience a physical reaction (salivating) simply from the sound of the bell. Now lets say I do this 3 times a day for 5 years. That dog will be well and truly trained to associate the bell with the treats. Now lets say one day I ring the bell and when he gets excited I slap him on the nose. What do you think will happen the next day when I ring the bell? Will the 5 years of training still apply, or will the one time I punished him override all of that built up instinct? When you're in a long relationship you build a mental picture of someone. You get used to them. You know them inside and out. You become accustomed to them, almost instinctive like that Pavlovian dog. When they do something that goes against that (perceived) character, you are fighting not only your feelings but your years worth of "training" that you have been through. That is why you can't simply turn it off. That is why your heart rules over your head at the moment. Absence does not make the heart go fonder. Being apart from someone like this makes you forget the short-term and go back to that instinctive training that you have.. In fact absence is required to undo that mental training that you have built up over many years, eventually your head will teach your heart the reality of what he is like. They say time heals but in fact it is you who does the healing. It just takes some time. Edited January 5, 2012 by PegNosePete
Emilia Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I think you need to rationally recognise what he contributed to your life in a positive way. When I split up with my last love it wasn't over cheating or anything like that but it was still hurtful. I went through a period of thinking he was the best guy ever thinking I would never meet anyone like that ever again. Meeting him has changed my love life in a positive way and I know exactly how he contributed to that. However, I am also able to rationalise his short comings and his contribution to our break up. I miss him but it doesn't bother me that I idolise part of him because I recognise his contribution to my life overall as very valid. I also understand why it didn't work and I don't feel I have to hate him for it.
shayla Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 In my case, it took my ex about a year to morph into his real self, and not the man he spent a year convincing me he was....and yes, it's exactly as a previous poster said, I got used to the fake man, the one that acted loving and trustworthy. When his true self emerged I didn't know what to do with that at all. I never dreamed that a man his age would act in this way. The lying, gaslighting, cheating, denying when he was caught, swearing there was no one else, and on and on. Once he was out of my life for good, it took me a while to sit back and say whoa, what the hell was that???? It was like my mind was upside down trying to sort out the good man I thought he was and the pig he turned out to be. And uh, he is 60 years old (and I'm 50), so this apparently not confined to the young. But *sigh* I was old enough to know better than to fall for this crap.
stunned8165 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 In my case, it took my ex about a year to morph into his real self, and not the man he spent a year convincing me he was....and yes, it's exactly as a previous poster said, I got used to the fake man, the one that acted loving and trustworthy. When his true self emerged I didn't know what to do with that at all. I never dreamed that a man his age would act in this way. The lying, gaslighting, cheating, denying when he was caught, swearing there was no one else, and on and on. Once he was out of my life for good, it took me a while to sit back and say whoa, what the hell was that???? It was like my mind was upside down trying to sort out the good man I thought he was and the pig he turned out to be. And uh, he is 60 years old (and I'm 50), so this apparently not confined to the young. But *sigh* I was old enough to know better than to fall for this crap. Hmmmm. I feel the same way about MY ex. Hard to believe what her true colors are now and after what she has been through. Which since she met me, her life got much better along with her kids having a nice stable life and a lot of extended family. it's hard to believe at her age she just took ten steps backwards in life. Find my original thread, you'll see what the piece of trash did.. She will be sorry, but I will be much better off once I completely heal.
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