Dealing with my anger/showing her i've changed

[AwptiK]

This is kind of long, so skip towards the bottom... Whatever answers I get work whether they're general answers or specific to my situation.

 

So i've been with this girl for the past few months and things have been amazing.

 

The only thing that's wrong, is that I have an anger issue. I don't know how well I can put it in words, but i'm very guilty of saying insulting things out of anger and i'd say I can be "explosive". I have never, and will never, put my hands on someone or cause any physical harm. To some extent, I believe somewhere in my mind, when I suffer, I need to see someone else suffer. I know it's very childish and i'm working on that extremely hard.

 

 

For my specific situation and search for advice, New Year's Eve I was hanging out with my girl and something came up and turned into an argument. She was the one who did wrong, but the way I handled it was extreme. That night, I was just loud and lightly insulting, but I ended up leaving where we were at her request. A few hours later we exchanged a few texts, one in which she said "I have never been that scared of anyone before". During those texts, she finally admitted her faults also.. We agreed to meet up again, in which I thought she'd do some explaining on her side, but I just talked to her for nearly 30 minutes. I addressed the situation and also apologized for my anger, leading into how much I enjoy being with her and how much I want to be with her still. She cried most of the time while I was talking.

 

The following day I texted her a few times, trying to just get answers for the unanswered questions I had regarding the argument. I was still angry and slightly mean about it. I also was searching for the current state of our relationship.

 

She replied and said that she was done, because of my anger. I took some time to reply back, but I said that I was extremely down... that I wish I had made all these mistakes with the girls I met before her, not with the one girl I never wanted to lose.

 

She asked me to call her as soon as I get out of work, so I did. She talked about how much she cares and likes me and how the only thing that she doesn't like is this anger I have. She says it scares her because she sees me as out of control. She also said that she's warned me before about saying things I can't take back, that they'll change how she views me. Then, like the night before, I kept talking and talking while she sat and listened. I apologized a lot for my actions and I said that I will do whatever I need to, to fix myself. (I asked her prior to this call about a chance for another try, she said "I just don't know right now"). I told her that i'm sorry it took as much as it did to see how badly I need to do more than just address my anger for a day and then not do more. (We've had two other occasions where i've been explosively angry, nothing as bad as the other night though). I also told her i'd be doing it because I want to be with her and knowing that's the one thing keeping us apart, is a huge motivation to take care of it. I told her I know that there may not be a future for us, but at least i'll know that i'm taking care of it for whoever my future wife may be. She cried for a while, while I was talking. I told her I said everything I had and I was out of words.. so we exchanged goodnights. I texted a little while later and thanked her for being there for me, because most of her wanting a call was to comfort me. She said "I'm still right here".

 

-----Skip here if you don't feel like reading much-----

So today, I went and saw a therapist. It was nice and it put me in a better, optimistic light as far as controlling my anger and becoming a better person. I've downloaded a few e-books about anger, which i'm currently reading through.

 

I really want to do whatever I have to, to get my relationship back. We've texted a few times today, I told her about therapy and then we talked back and forth about random stuff for a while. The first text I sent her, was "I miss you". She replied, "It's okay " I think that's just the comforting-side of her that came out last night. I asked her if I could come see her tonight after she gets off work, for just a few minutes. I don't really have a reason or any kind of speech or scenario in my mind, I just feel drawn towards seeing her. She said "I'll let you know". (From her, that's not an avoidance. The past two days have been quite a load on her and I know she needs to weigh out seeing me, her comfort level, and probably considering that there is the potential for more stress which would be a huge mistake to create.)

 

I am familiar with the "getting your ex back" posts on here and the articles. I know i've already done some bad things, as far as being needy and continuing to make contact. I don't quite feel a sense of urgency and I can do less/NC. I'm well aware that she just needs to see the person that she fell for, which is simply just me..prior to those anger issues ever coming out. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and if I do see her tonight, I don't intend to be a symbol of a completely changed man. I have a feeling she won't want to see me tonight, but if she does I just intend to talk about her day or whatever and call it a night.

 

 

I know she's not going to want to date this needy-type, but my main focus is to reestablish the comfort she used to have around me. The night of the argument was the last time I saw her and she expressed being scared. We do have a very similar social circle , so as an estimate, I see her in passing at least twice a week. I'll continue to use those times to continue the building of comfort and displaying the continuing changes in myself. Being that we do see each other, I suppose I should back off a lot on any attempt at texting or communication other than in the natural passing.

 

One update, we never saw each other that night, she texted and said she was just going to go home. No big.

 

Also, I know how wrong it is, but the two days since, I have been slightly needy and I know she sees it. The sense of urgency I said that I didn't have, well....I do now. I miss her and wish I could text her and have things just work immediately. I know that's not the case and that i've pushed her away somewhat.

 

I have since suggested a month's space between us, to heal and for me to work on my anger issues, then we will see where things stand in due time.

 

Thanks for any advice guys!!

Edited January 4, 2012 by AwptiK

[CaliGuy]

This is kind of long, so skip towards the bottom... Whatever answers I get work whether they're general answers or specific to my situation.

 

So i've been with this girl for the past few months and things have been amazing.

 

The only thing that's wrong, is that I have an anger issue. I don't know how well I can put it in words, but i'm very guilty of saying insulting things out of anger and i'd say I can be "explosive". I have never, and will never, put my hands on someone or cause any physical harm. To some extent, I believe somewhere in my mind, when I suffer, I need to see someone else suffer. I know it's very childish and i'm working on that extremely hard.

 

 

For my specific situation and search for advice, New Year's Eve I was hanging out with my girl and something came up and turned into an argument. She was the one who did wrong, but the way I handled it was extreme. That night, I was just loud and lightly insulting, but I ended up leaving where we were at her request. A few hours later we exchanged a few texts, one in which she said "I have never been that scared of anyone before". During those texts, she finally admitted her faults also.. We agreed to meet up again, in which I thought she'd do some explaining on her side, but I just talked to her for nearly 30 minutes. I addressed the situation and also apologized for my anger, leading into how much I enjoy being with her and how much I want to be with her still. She cried most of the time while I was talking.

 

The following day I texted her a few times, trying to just get answers for the unanswered questions I had regarding the argument. I was still angry and slightly mean about it. I also was searching for the current state of our relationship.

 

She replied and said that she was done, because of my anger. I took some time to reply back, but I said that I was extremely down... that I wish I had made all these mistakes with the girls I met before her, not with the one girl I never wanted to lose.

 

She asked me to call her as soon as I get out of work, so I did. She talked about how much she cares and likes me and how the only thing that she doesn't like is this anger I have. She says it scares her because she sees me as out of control. She also said that she's warned me before about saying things I can't take back, that they'll change how she views me. Then, like the night before, I kept talking and talking while she sat and listened. I apologized a lot for my actions and I said that I will do whatever I need to, to fix myself. (I asked her prior to this call about a chance for another try, she said "I just don't know right now"). I told her that i'm sorry it took as much as it did to see how badly I need to do more than just address my anger for a day and then not do more. (We've had two other occasions where i've been explosively angry, nothing as bad as the other night though). I also told her i'd be doing it because I want to be with her and knowing that's the one thing keeping us apart, is a huge motivation to take care of it. I told her I know that there may not be a future for us, but at least i'll know that i'm taking care of it for whoever my future wife may be. She cried for a while, while I was talking. I told her I said everything I had and I was out of words.. so we exchanged goodnights. I texted a little while later and thanked her for being there for me, because most of her wanting a call was to comfort me. She said "I'm still right here".

 

-----Skip here if you don't feel like reading much-----

So today, I went and saw a therapist. It was nice and it put me in a better, optimistic light as far as controlling my anger and becoming a better person. I've downloaded a few e-books about anger, which i'm currently reading through.

 

I really want to do whatever I have to, to get my relationship back. We've texted a few times today, I told her about therapy and then we talked back and forth about random stuff for a while. The first text I sent her, was "I miss you". She replied, "It's okay " I think that's just the comforting-side of her that came out last night. I asked her if I could come see her tonight after she gets off work, for just a few minutes. I don't really have a reason or any kind of speech or scenario in my mind, I just feel drawn towards seeing her. She said "I'll let you know". (From her, that's not an avoidance. The past two days have been quite a load on her and I know she needs to weigh out seeing me, her comfort level, and probably considering that there is the potential for more stress which would be a huge mistake to create.)

 

I am familiar with the "getting your ex back" posts on here and the articles. I know i've already done some bad things, as far as being needy and continuing to make contact. I don't quite feel a sense of urgency and I can do less/NC. I'm well aware that she just needs to see the person that she fell for, which is simply just me..prior to those anger issues ever coming out. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and if I do see her tonight, I don't intend to be a symbol of a completely changed man. I have a feeling she won't want to see me tonight, but if she does I just intend to talk about her day or whatever and call it a night.

 

 

I know she's not going to want to date this needy-type, but my main focus is to reestablish the comfort she used to have around me. The night of the argument was the last time I saw her and she expressed being scared. We do have a very similar social circle , so as an estimate, I see her in passing at least twice a week. I'll continue to use those times to continue the building of comfort and displaying the continuing changes in myself. Being that we do see each other, I suppose I should back off a lot on any attempt at texting or communication other than in the natural passing.

 

One update, we never saw each other that night, she texted and said she was just going to go home. No big.

 

Also, I know how wrong it is, but the two days since, I have been slightly needy and I know she sees it. The sense of urgency I said that I didn't have, well....I do now. I miss her and wish I could text her and have things just work immediately. I know that's not the case and that i've pushed her away somewhat.

 

I have since suggested a month's space between us, to heal and for me to work on my anger issues, then we will see where things stand in due time.

 

Thanks for any advice guys!!

 

Read my two educational threads:

 

1. No contact.

2. So you want a second chance?

 

Hopefully the links show up on my reply. If you're banking on a second chance as a dumpee and YOU are initiating it you're in the "losers" seat and this is going to end up in disaster.

[AwptiK]

Read my two educational threads:

 

1. No contact.

2. So you want a second chance?

 

Hopefully the links show up on my reply. If you're banking on a second chance as a dumpee and YOU are initiating it you're in the "losers" seat and this is going to end up in disaster.

 

 

 

Thank you! I have them bookmarked and i'll read them in the morning!

[fucpcg]

Like you, I have an explosive temper. I am not at all physical with a woman, and I don't get any satisfaction in putting someone down, its just a rage thing that comes out when I feel violated. One day I got very upset with my girlfriend over something going on with her son, and I felt she should have been sticking up for him and wasn't, I totally lost my head, and it was the beginning of the end. We talked thru it, but a week later we were done (those were her exact words to my friend). Its brutal for me, because all of my ex girlfriends never saw me really lose it like this, in a way they felt threatening, and I have healthy relationships with all these girls, yet the one I lost it on is the only girl I ever proposed to. She was the one I had waited 40 years for.

 

She wrote me an email telling me everything she felt I ever got wrong when she broke up with me, and told me she'd never speak to me again. I studied that email, and my anger issues very seriously. 6 weeks later I had finished and mailed a very detailed apology to her, one she deserved. I did ask for a chance to meet, but the letter was a true apology above all else. 10 months later now, I have such a full view of what happened, why it happened, how I allowed it to happen, and a pretty good feeling of how to never let it happen again. Her silence this whole time really was a good thing, as my self reflection would have been cut shorter had she taken me back after the apology. I've learned soo much about me, I am a much better person, and honest truth is she was right to leave when she did.

 

You can't fix anger issues in a month. I know it, you know it, she knows it. If you want a chance, I would tell her you are being honest with you and her in saying you know you have to work on personal issues, and you should do it without her, to make sure you don't hurt her again. Maybe you lose her, maybe not, but you should not allow her to be in position where you can hurt her again, when you can honestly say you feel deep down you do actually try to do it. Tell her you want to work on this and need a year or so to do it, cause you care for her, and you want to be a better man. Then go and order some books on Amazon on abusive relationships, and read them. Do all that you can to honestly become a better man.

 

You can come a long way in a year. My ex and I had something truly special, and we lost it cause of my temper, and I don't know if I will ever be able to show her how far I've come. What I DO KNOW, is that I never want to lose another girl to my actions again, and I've worked damn hard to make sure it doesn't.

[AwptiK]

fucpcg, That's a really deep story man. I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

 

Since my mention at the bottom of the post about being needy, I haven't talked to her since the 3rd. I am slightly tempted to break NC, because I want to remove the "bond" of time I feel I put on things, to just say "when it happens, it happens" moreso. I will stick it out though.

 

I'm doing all I can right now, through therapy and reading various books and articles. I know a month's time is only a start and that all you've said about doing this myself to keep from hurting her again is true.

 

I guess, when the month mark approaches I will mail her a letter similar to yours. Who knows what could become of things in 3.5 more weeks though, so there's no reason to plan ahead like that. I'd give anything to know the future haha.

 

Also, i'm having a really hard time with my mind becoming jealous. She's a very beautiful girl and I know she gets a lot of attention from guys. At the same time, she's very insecure and likes the attention. (The type of girl who's always in a relationship) When i'm not giving it to her, someone else is.. That, plus the things you hear being in the same social circle...little blurbs here and there about her flirting with some new guy.

[fucpcg]

All that means is she has her own issues to deal with. I never, never will date a girl that goes from guy to guy, because that is an instability that will always come up to haunt you if you date a girl like that. Ironically, my girl who had a history of that befor me (but I didn't know that when we met), went about 3 months single as best I can tell after we split, then went back to partying it up with lotsa guys all summer, to going back to remaining single after summer ended. Nobody I know has seen her with anyone sincd summer. This gives me hope, as I wouldn't want a party girl back, I want the girl I fell in love with back. Apparently when she went back to partying, she didn't find it as wonderful as she did before our relationship. Sounds like hopefully she learned some things as well. Will this bring us back together? Who knows... but anyho doesn't matter, I needed to work on me, she needed to do whatever she needed to do. Much time has passed, and though I hated that time away from her, and hated hearing about her wild wonderful summer, it was good for me. If it was good for me, by default it was good for her too, should she ever return to us.