huskers11 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I realize this is mainly directed at men but that's because in the past 4 months I have dated some real losers and I'm just kind of fed up with it. The first guy was only after sex and he was never honest with how he felt about me. In fact, he turned around and told me I was needy and it was my fault. The second guy had a girlfriend of 2 years and was using me as at least the 3rd person to cheat on her with. This last guy, I'm pretty sure he had a girlfriend too but we went from talking everyday all day to thinking he is dead because I haven't heard from him in almost a week now without any warning. Things seemed like they were going great until he suddenly stopped talking. I thought we were gonna start dating actually. It's not alright that men think that they can do whatever they want to whoever they want and never own up to it. I'm sick of some men thinking it's alright to have a girlfriend and willingly cheat on her just to go back to her. If you want to cheat on your girlfriend or whoever, break up with them because obviously you DO NOT care or respect enough about them. Then there are these other guys who think it's perfectly acceptable to just stop talking to a girl as a way of ending things. Men want to be seen as so tough and can take anything because that's what our soceity views as masculine, well ****ing grow a pair and tell the girl what's going on. I personally would much rather be told the complete, unsugar-coated truth then sit there and wonder what I did or didn't do or why it happened. Give me some credit and let me learn from it. If I am being needy or clingy or whatever let me know so I can work on it in the future. Don't freaking leave me wondering if I should start looking for you in the obituaries. Respect me enough to give me closure! You see all of these books of He's just not that into you or You didn't really like him either(I don't remember the exact title) directed at women to help them understand why men are dicks and not into them but you don't see these same books directed at men.. Why? Honestly I think it's because of the way society views what is or isn't acceptable behavior from men and women. How about instead, if you are dating someone you are honest with them. You don't see other people behind their back(depending on your relationship and arrangement), you don't lie to them, and most importantly you are upfront with your motives and feelings. If you are only in for sex, I may not give it to you but I'd appreciate the honesty. Or if you aren't that interested in me, it may hurt a little bit but it would be better than getting even more hurt down the line. I can't speak for all women but I like getting back what I put out there. So if I'm being genuine and honest, I like getting that back from a man. Then I read this crap online about dating and why men don't call and it all gives this bull**** advice of how the man has to do most of the calling otherwise he loses interest.. If you are texting him, you need to text him less. You have to be mysterious and keep his attention. Blah Blah blah.. Obviously, you don't want to send him like 10 messages without a response, that's true with anyone even friends. But I don't think, dating should be so one sided. Dating seems like one giant game to me and I don't like it. It feels like men are the only ones allowed to make the moves and calls all the shots and I have to sit around and wait. If I want to talk to a guy or tell him I like him, I want to be able to do that without worrying that I am making him lose interest because I'm making it too easy or without coming off as clingy or needy. I want to be able to be like hey I like you or hey I want to date you. But it's not that simple and instead I keep losing at a game I don't really want to play. **I realize women do this just as much as men do. I'm more just venting from my perspective with my recent dating life.
Philosoraptor Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I understand your frustration but this goes both ways. It doesn't matter your gender... immaturity is immaturity. I've not played the dating "game" and I've never had an issue finding a partner. But I go into things looking for a future as I don't see a point of being with someone if I don't see them as marriage material.
somedude81 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I'm sick of some men thinking it's alright to have a girlfriend and willingly cheat on her just to go back to her. If you want to cheat on your girlfriend or whoever, break up with them because Umm... You're mad because a guy cheated on his GF with you then went back to her? Did you know that he had a GF before you slept with him?
KathyM Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 You have to learn how to play the game if you want to survive in the dating world with your self esteem intact. You have to learn the strategy of the other players, and adjust your play accordingly. Rule #1: Some men will say anything to get you to spread your legs. They'll profess their "love" on the second date because they think that will make you believe their intentions are honorable, when in fact, they are only looking for another conquest to add to their belt. That is why you should get to know a guy well before considering being intimate. Rule #2: Some guys cheat, and that is why you have to make sure you know the guy well before being intimate, and don't get involved with a man who is taken. If you haven't dated him long enough to know where he is living and have been to his place, and gotten to know him well enough to be assured there is no one else in the picture, then you can blame yourself as well for giving it to someone you really don't know. Rule #3: Guys normally want to be the pursuer, especially if they are an alpha guy. It's in their DNA. They want to feel like they've made the choice to be with you. If you come on too strong too quickly, they get intimidated and back off. That's just the way it is, and the sooner you accept that, the less frustrated you'll be. Learn to play the game, and understand the strategy, and it won't frustrate you so much. If you understand how men operate, you won't get so frustrated with them, and will not be played or used by them.
Author huskers11 Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 somedude81 No, I had no idea and I broke things off immediately when I found out. I just feel like if you are going to cheat on someone, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pointless and it's selfish of him to go back to her because he is only going to continue to hurt her. It's just screwed up..
FitChick Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 You can't control what anyone else does but you can control who you choose to have in your life. See my signature line.
jobaba Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 You see all of these books of He's just not that into you or You didn't really like him either(I don't remember the exact title) directed at women to help them understand why men are dicks and not into them but you don't see these same books directed at men.. Why? Honestly I think it's because of the way society views what is or isn't acceptable behavior from men and women. How about instead, if you are dating someone you are honest with them. You don't see other people behind their back(depending on your relationship and arrangement), you don't lie to them, and most importantly you are upfront with your motives and feelings. If you are only in for sex, I may not give it to you but I'd appreciate the honesty. Or if you aren't that interested in me, it may hurt a little bit but it would be better than getting even more hurt down the line. I can't speak for all women but I like getting back what I put out there. So if I'm being genuine and honest, I like getting that back from a man. There's tons of nice guys who will not cheat on you and treat you nice. You know who they are. Assuming you are of average looks and educational background (and I assume you are at least decent looking since you dated 4 men in 4 months), you could haul a@@ here from Lincoln on I-80 today, and I could introduce you to at least 5 of them tomorrow and they'd probably like you. Problem is ... you probably wouldn't like them because they're not physically attractive or smooth or manly enough. All women run across these guys at work, school, wherever. And there's a bunch on this message board too. So, my advice is give one of them a chance.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 All women run across these guys at work, school, wherever. And there's a bunch on this message board too. So, my advice is give one of them a chance. She's not going to. She seems like the type of woman to give a plethora of excuses why they don't give her a certain chemistry.
somedude81 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 somedude81 No, I had no idea and I broke things off immediately when I found out. I just feel like if you are going to cheat on someone, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pointless and it's selfish of him to go back to her because he is only going to continue to hurt her. It's just screwed up.. Ok, that's different then. I had assumed that you knowingly went after who had a GF and then was upset that you couldn't keep him. My suggestion, try to find out if a guy is single before you do anything with him. Hopefully the men will be honest.
thatone Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 somedude81 No, I had no idea and I broke things off immediately when I found out. I just feel like if you are going to cheat on someone, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pointless and it's selfish of him to go back to her because he is only going to continue to hurt her. It's just screwed up.. it's just as likely that she wouldn't let him go and he just capitulated when she started begging. there's no way to know. as far as the game stuff, it's not really supposed to be complicated. it's supposed to be fun. the witty back and forth banter and flirting and mystery is part of it. learn to play, don't quit .
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 If you're going to date someone, especially online, you need to have the mentality of a child. That's the only thing you can do if you want to avoid frustrations. You can't be too serious because honestly, they're not that serious until they actually get to know you, then they're all like " *****, this girl is mad chill... I think I might like her". Don't fall for them first until they've fallen for you. The golden rule for a girl.
phineas Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 There's tons of nice guys who will not cheat on you and treat you nice. You know who they are. Assuming you are of average looks and educational background (and I assume you are at least decent looking since you dated 4 men in 4 months), you could haul a@@ here from Lincoln on I-80 today, and I could introduce you to at least 5 of them tomorrow and they'd probably like you. Problem is ... you probably wouldn't like them because they're not physically attractive or smooth or manly enough. All women run across these guys at work, school, wherever. And there's a bunch on this message board too. So, my advice is give one of them a chance. Pretty much this.
Author huskers11 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Thanks everyone.. I was just really frustrated yesterday. I talked to the last guy last night finally and he wasn't as terrible as I thought. His excuse, which I'm not quite sure how I feel about, he got trasnferred to another company (which I knew could happen) in Colorado and he really liked me and cared about me but long distance would be too hard. He said he was hoping I would forget about him and find someone better. Which fyi, if a girl is with you it's because she wants to be and not because she is settling. At least that's how it is with me! Still unsure if he had a girlfriend but that may be more my recent dating history than anything because I haven't seen prove. So I guess there is hope that not all guys are pigs. I'd rather try long distance than not but I guess it's his choice. Just kind of bums me out. jobaba- Thank you, you are very sweet. And I do alright, I seem to get hit on a good amount. I actually don't go for the pretty boy(used to) because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So I seem to find huskier men attractive and beards are always a good bonus!
lululucy Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Then I read this crap online about dating and why men don't call and it all gives this bull**** advice of how the man has to do most of the calling otherwise he loses interest.. If you are texting him, you need to text him less. You have to be mysterious and keep his attention. Blah Blah blah.. Obviously, you don't want to send him like 10 messages without a response, that's true with anyone even friends. But I don't think, dating should be so one sided. Dating seems like one giant game to me and I don't like it. It feels like men are the only ones allowed to make the moves and calls all the shots and I have to sit around and wait. If I want to talk to a guy or tell him I like him, I want to be able to do that without worrying that I am making him lose interest because I'm making it too easy or without coming off as clingy or needy. I want to be able to be like hey I like you or hey I want to date you. But it's not that simple and instead I keep losing at a game I don't really want to play. I totally agree. Jenna Marbles on the subject pretty well. I don't play stupid games, I don't wait to text, blah blah blah. I might have lost a few guys along the way but I really don't care. If you can't handle me from the beginning, it's probably better we don't date anyway. "What's the worst thing that's going to happen? They're going to be like 'I don't like you' -- 'Cool, see ya never, bye!'" The cheating thing I really don't get. My ex thought it was fine as long as he didn't have feelings for them. Cheating is "just something guys do" -- such BS. My current bf could never do it, it's just not in his character. I'm probably in the minority of women and sure it won't be successful always but I do what I want, if you can handle it, cool. It means I get rejected more than most women who just sit around and wait for phone calls I guess but it means I have a lot more fun as well. I don't need to be taken care of, end of story. I don't think you need to change your behaviour, just accept that rejection is part of being forward.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 somedude81 No, I had no idea and I broke things off immediately when I found out. I just feel like if you are going to cheat on someone, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pointless and it's selfish of him to go back to her because he is only going to continue to hurt her. It's just screwed up.. I have a GF... and I can't think for the life of me how I could find the time to cheat on her, and not have the OW realize I have a GF.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) somedude81 No, I had no idea and I broke things off immediately when I found out. I just feel like if you are going to cheat on someone, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pointless and it's selfish of him to go back to her because he is only going to continue to hurt her. It's just screwed up.. Stop giving it up so easily...maybe you'll actually give yourself some time to see their true colors and intentions. And please, don't lie to me...i know how it works! You sound like the type of girl that is too easy to manipulate and play with because you don't use any common sense or watch for red flags. Of course these guys are going to give you an excuse...It doesn't mean it's true, c'mon, you have more sense than that, you have to be the first one to treat yourself with respect before anyone else, because no one else will. Edited January 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
NYC-BigKat Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 There's tons of nice guys who will not cheat on you and treat you nice. You know who they are. Assuming you are of average looks and educational background (and I assume you are at least decent looking since you dated 4 men in 4 months), you could haul a@@ here from Lincoln on I-80 today, and I could introduce you to at least 5 of them tomorrow and they'd probably like you. Problem is ... you probably wouldn't like them because they're not physically attractive or smooth or manly enough. All women run across these guys at work, school, wherever. And there's a bunch on this message board too. So, my advice is give one of them a chance. I'm w/ u on this all the way. I always get passed up for some party boy & then the same girl comes back & cries she cant find a good man. Um, last I checked the party dudes never had any intention of settling w/ a girl.
mortensorchid Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I'm sorry to hear of these frustrations. I myself was in a similar situation summer of 09 when I found out this man was back with his gf and was cheating on her with me and no doubt countless others. I know how you feel, you feel used and lied to. And you and I both know we would be lying to each other if we said that didn't hurt. The best thing to do is to just move on from it. It's ok to sit and lick your wounds and vent on a forum like this, but tell yourself that you're not going to let it get to you so much. Find other things to distract you, and then you'll be ok. *hugs*
TheFinalWord Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 Give me some credit and let me learn from it. If I am being needy or clingy or whatever let me know so I can work on it in the future. Don't freaking leave me wondering if I should start looking for you in the obituaries. Respect me enough to give me closure! Yeah, I can see why you would like to get feedback and closure. For guys it is often the same as when a girl just does not answer when you get her number. It is frustrating for a guy too; same feeling just expressed differently by different genders. Someone gave good advice on here a while back...don't take any guy/girl seriously until you've had at least 5 dates. Now as far as the trend of cheaters...women are the gatekeepers. The guy initiates but the women decides if he'll get the time of day. After that its up to the guy to keep the relationship strong. But you are the gatekeeper. Why are you giving this kind of guy permission to use you? Nothing you have to answer here, just something to think about Best of luck. PS: if its OLD its much easier for guys to cheat b/c often they aren't in your immediate vicinity. I'd give OLD more time than traditional dating in terms of getting to know someone. That's just based on my experiences though.
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