ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 So I just met a guy from OKC. We've been talking for about 2 weeks and met once. He's cute, funny, smart, succesful, we have a lot in common and the conversation really flows well between us. He seems equally as interested in me. I want to see where this goes. We have plans to meet up again this weekend. My problem is.... he's divorced. This has always been a deal breaker for me. I'm relatively baggage free and I've lived my life in a way to keep it that way up until this point. I'm looking for the same lack of baggage in a partner. He was straight forward with his divorce and told me about it before we even met. I tried to over look it because he seems so great in all the other ways but it's still kind of eating at me. And what makes it a bigger problem is that the reason for his divorce seems like it's something he should have seen coming. Apparently, his ex-wife racked up a lot of debt before they were married and he never knew until they went to look for their first house together. He didn't get into any more details of the fall out and I really don't even want to know right now. Isn't that a question most people ask before marrying someone? One of my reasons for not wanting to get involved with a divorced guy is that I feel that if marriage is in our future, he won't be as excited about the idea as I would be. Another reason is that it it kinda makes me think he makes rash choices when it comes to relationships. I'm a slow mover. I've never even dropped the l-bomb on a guy. I think our experience levels are just too different. On one hand I'm considering just tossing this one aside and finding someone more on the same level with me. On the other hand I don't want to give up on the possibilities. Butterflies are a rarity for me and this guy is giving me them. But I also don't want to get too attached to a person that I know deep down it won't work out with.... Help me think this through, guys...
Philosoraptor Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Everyone makes mistakes and love is quite the blindfold. I made mistakes on things that I should have seen coming but you learn from them. If this guy seems good and is straight with you about things I think you should give it a chance. With the divorce rate so high odds are you're going to cross many divorced people who made mistakes. When feeling deep emotions we can lose sight of logic. I learned my lesson and wont make the same mistake, but I will still love just as deep and deeper and be excited for my future with whoever I choose to spend my life with.
Imajerk17 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 One divorce isn't a big deal, as long as he learned from it. No one is perfect. The question is whether this guy has solid boundaries--financially independent, mature, good person, ect.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 A divorced man does not make him a bad person. This is not the 1800s. It's only baggage if he's in the process of divorce, he shares custody of the children, or the ex- wife is a psychopath who repeatedly enters his life. It's only two weeks and you only met once. If you're already looking for red flags, let this guy go.
Author ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 A divorced man does not make him a bad person. This is not the 1800s. It's only baggage if he's in the process of divorce, he shares custody of the children, or the ex- wife is a psychopath who repeatedly enters his life. It's only two weeks and you only met once. If you're already looking for red flags, let this guy go. If I took that advice I would never date anyone. Ever. I always start out looking for the dealbreakers. I don't like getting invested in people that it ultimately won't work out with. I don't get attached easily but when I do I'm very loyal. It's a learned response. In my early dating years, I stayed with some guys long past our expiration dates and that's probably been my biggest regret. I don't want to repeat past mistakes, ya know?
jobaba Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 So I just met a guy from OKC. We've been talking for about 2 weeks and met once. He's cute, funny, smart, succesful, we have a lot in common and the conversation really flows well between us. He seems equally as interested in me. I want to see where this goes. We have plans to meet up again this weekend. My problem is.... he's divorced. This has always been a deal breaker for me. I'm relatively baggage free and I've lived my life in a way to keep it that way up until this point. I'm looking for the same lack of baggage in a partner. He was straight forward with his divorce and told me about it before we even met. I tried to over look it because he seems so great in all the other ways but it's still kind of eating at me. And what makes it a bigger problem is that the reason for his divorce seems like it's something he should have seen coming. Apparently, his ex-wife racked up a lot of debt before they were married and he never knew until they went to look for their first house together. He didn't get into any more details of the fall out and I really don't even want to know right now. Isn't that a question most people ask before marrying someone? One of my reasons for not wanting to get involved with a divorced guy is that I feel that if marriage is in our future, he won't be as excited about the idea as I would be. Another reason is that it it kinda makes me think he makes rash choices when it comes to relationships. I'm a slow mover. I've never even dropped the l-bomb on a guy. I think our experience levels are just too different. On one hand I'm considering just tossing this one aside and finding someone more on the same level with me. On the other hand I don't want to give up on the possibilities. Butterflies are a rarity for me and this guy is giving me them. But I also don't want to get too attached to a person that I know deep down it won't work out with.... Help me think this through, guys... As a wise poster once said (think it was Greekboy), be as picky and have as many dealbreakers as your options allow. If you can haul in enough fish over 15 pounds, why bother keeping the ones that are under? Of course, I don't view dating and people in that manner, but I KNOW you don't want to hear what I have to say about the matter.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 How long has he been divorced? Given your propensity to 'take things slow' and the admission that you've never told a man you loved him indicates to me that a relationship with a divorced person might be a compatible match, presuming attraction and compatibility in other aspects.
Author ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 How long has he been divorced? Given your propensity to 'take things slow' and the admission that you've never told a man you loved him indicates to me that a relationship with a divorced person might be a compatible match, presuming attraction and compatibility in other aspects. He's been divorced for over a year. His marriage was only a year long. Supposedly, she isn't in the picture at all anymore but I haven't pushed him for any further details then he's given me. I don't think that's my place yet.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 If I took that advice I would never date anyone. Ever. I always start out looking for the dealbreakers. I don't like getting invested in people that it ultimately won't work out with. I don't get attached easily but when I do I'm very loyal. It's a learned response. In my early dating years, I stayed with some guys long past our expiration dates and that's probably been my biggest regret. I don't want to repeat past mistakes, ya know? I understand. But it's one thing to be wary of red flags and another thing to seek them out prematurely. But if a divorce is on your list of " men I do not want to date" then, you have a right to live up to your standards.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 He's been divorced for over a year. His marriage was only a year long. Supposedly, she isn't in the picture at all anymore but I haven't pushed him for any further details then he's given me. I don't think that's my place yet. Thanks. My only reservation, based purely upon the information shared, is the unique circumstances of a divorce after only a year of marriage. That seems worthy of further inquiry as to compatibility. No harm in talking in general terms about relationships and marriage and see where it goes. To me, that's all part of 'getting to know' someone. FWIW, during my most recent dating stint, now almost two years ago, such was a common question asked of myself by the ladies I dated. I found their candor to be refreshing. Can you enumerate why men who are divorced, as opposed to 'broken up' with non-marital partners, are a negative for you? IME, anyone who has had LTR's or been married has some 'baggage'. Each of us is different in how we process and carry that baggage with us in life. I'm curious to hear your perspective on the nuance of how marital baggage is or can be more of a dealbreaker than relationship baggage. This presumes that you prefer to be attracted to men who have relationship experience. If other, enumerate how that has gone and the lessons you've taken away from it. More information is good information
Author ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 Can you enumerate why men who are divorced, as opposed to 'broken up' with non-marital partners, are a negative for you? IME, anyone who has had LTR's or been married has some 'baggage'. Each of us is different in how we process and carry that baggage with us in life. I'm curious to hear your perspective on the nuance of how marital baggage is or can be more of a dealbreaker than relationship baggage. This presumes that you prefer to be attracted to men who have relationship experience. If other, enumerate how that has gone and the lessons you've taken away from it. More information is good information It's not strictly a man being divorced that's a negative for me. I'm also turned off by men that have even co-habitated with a woman before or even been engaged. That's not a necessary dealbreaker but it's a turn off. And it's because I am generally pretty inexperienced when it comes to love and deep emotional relationships. I'm very experienced in dating relationships, experienced in life, experienced in the physical but I've never really forged a deep emotional commitment to someone. I want to. It's what I've been seeking out in my most recent ventures. But it's something I take very seriously. I'm not going to force it just because it's what I want. I just don't want to be leaps and bounds behind the person I'm with in terms of emotional maturity. I don't want to feel like I'm playing catch up. I prefer to be with someone on a more even playing field. And I imagine when it happens for me, it's going to be a very exciting time for me. I imagine it won't be as exciting to the person that's already been through it a bunch of times. I prefer to find someone I can share that excitement with.
Imajerk17 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Out of curiosity, if being divorced is such a deal-breaker to you, then why did you write him back in the first place? That sort of information is right on the profile you know.
Author ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 Out of curiosity, if being divorced is such a deal-breaker to you, then why did you write him back in the first place? That sort of information is right on the profile you know. Not on OKC. It's single/married/seeing someone. There's no divorced or separated option.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I just don't want to be leaps and bounds behind the person I'm with in terms of emotional maturity. I don't want to feel like I'm playing catch up. I prefer to be with someone on a more even playing field. Within the context of the posting relevant to this quote, I have a followup question: Why do you think someone who has been married and divorced is necessarily more emotionally mature and 'ahead' of you? I ask that because marriage merely entails a few legalities and signing a marriage license. Emotional maturity is not a requirement for the actual process to take place. Further, relevant to this particular circumstance, would you consider that a man who could sign that license and then sign divorce documents within a year to be that far 'ahead' of you in the realm of emotional maturity? Why or why not? Perhaps that is a topic for reflection, in general. FWIW, I've met no shortage of women who range from inexperience with to complete fear of deep emotional connections, so do not consider yourself to be unique in that regard, rather following a not so unfamiliar path. You have choices. What choice will you make today?
Imajerk17 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Not on OKC. It's single/married/seeing someone. There's no divorced or separated option. That's nuts on OKC's part. That and the "seeing someone" option. Why would anyone who is seriously looking put that down in their profile, and who would write someone with that status? And if you're "seeing someone" and you're seriously looking for someone else, why not break it off with the person instead?
Author ditzchic Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 Why do you think someone who has been married and divorced is necessarily more emotionally mature and 'ahead' of you? I ask that because marriage merely entails a few legalities and signing a marriage license. Emotional maturity is not a requirement for the actual process to take place. I guess you are right. But they probably should be. Like I said before, I take love very seriously. I take love relationships very seriously. I take emotions very seriously. I guess I figure that people I'm compatible with would to and not go making decisions like getting married and divorced all willy nilly and what not.
joeyanna Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I tend to look at the person I'm considering getting involved with rather what they may or may not have done in the past. In my case, I never wanted to date someone who had children because I want some of my own and I figured, someone who already has kids is less likely to want any more. But then I've gone and fallen in love with someone who has two amazing children, I fell in love with him, not his circumstances. If he's right for you, you would be willing to overlook things like divorce, children, distance etc.
zengirl Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I don't think it makes sense to make that big a deal about a divorce where he seems to have learned something, but that's just my view. To me, it sounds like you are constantly looking for "the problem" -- hence why you've never gotten that close to any guy, really. Your choice whether to continue that path or evolve it, and you can decide to date anyone or not date them for any reason. But if you want to date this guy, it's kind of just punishing yourself if you go out looking for reasons not to date him. That's nuts on OKC's part. That and the "seeing someone" option. Why would anyone who is seriously looking put that down in their profile, and who would write someone with that status? And if you're "seeing someone" and you're seriously looking for someone else, why not break it off with the person instead? There are swingers out there. Monogamy may be the norm, but it's not a rule. Those who are honest and non-monogamous by choice should have outlets, if they like. Also, some people do use OKC for platonic friends or general socializing. I think that's odd in the U.S., but when I was in Asia, it made sense. Like meetup, it was just another place to meet Westerners. I met some of my best female friends on there when I was in Japan - no dating involved! But mainly "Seeing Someone" is for when you're just starting to see someone, from on there or elsewhere, and not ready to take down your profile. You can be either "Seeing Someone" and looking or not looking, depending on the settings.
Recommended Posts