shook187 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 so long story short, my and my ex were together for over 5 years, she had GIGS syndrome, returned. things didn't work again, trust issues, angry about what happened in our 4 month break etc, we've got back together 3 times now, and i broke it off the last time due to being upset at things she had also done in our breakup, now she is giving me the breadcrumbs of wanting to get back together again (or saying she wants to work things out when we have enough time apart) i know people will say oh she will leave, no, she won't if our relationship works. now, how much time apart is good enough ? each relationship varies, but i'm not going to take her back too soon again, btw strict NC does work. she contacted me on christmas, i didn't reply, then rang me multiple times new years, then multiple texts since. I have to tread carefully, i know gibson, smokey, wilson and others have alot more knowledge than i do. thanks for reading..
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 See the next few months 6 approx, will be harder to deal with than the break up, are you strong enough and ready for it. Do you love this girl enough for her to break your heart another few times and still love her without resentment, to let go, forgive and forget? If yes, post the details, how long together, how long apart, gigs signs, what shes done and what age she is 4 months is very premature but it depends if you went through some of her gigs with her.
EgoJoe Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Hardcore NC is the only way to handle this until you heal, learn, grow, change and gain perspective. She also needs to grow up. Stop talking to her because she's full of cliche crap and it is all GAMES.
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Its not a game far from it, someones emotional unstability is far from a game. The op has asked for advice on what to do to get her back, h knows the nc option and has chosen not to do it, offer helpful advice to the situation on the path the op has chosen. OP your going to get a lot of conflicting advice on this thread, i suggest you research gigs as much as you can and make your own judgement, if you want assistance, and you lik the sound of a certain posters advice, read through there postings on gigs and see if you understand and agree on their opinion of gigs, if you agree, follow their advice. If not choose another mentor and read their understanding of gigs and see if you agree. Its the best advice i can give you.
wilsonx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Ok there are a bunch of options here My advice is that you go back to NC, if shes phase 3, I dont think you can handle it. The back and forth back and forth. Like Smokey said, its going to happen over and over again for 4-6 months time. No matter what you do, YOU WONT BE ABLE TO MESS THIS UP. The Advice Im giving you is to maintain your sanity. You wont lose her if you go back NC, she will come back with her tail between her legs soon enough at phase 4. Dont sweat it.
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Wilson, why do you advise people to do something that you would do?
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 do you guys actually believe that just because a person acts in a specific way necessarily means that its some syndrome. yes i agree that everything you say might be the case in many peoples lifes. but by saying stuff like, she's in stage 3, she will do this and that. get this. people are different.. do you seriously believe that everyone are acting exactly the same just because they have gigs?
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 do you guys actually believe that just because a person acts in a specific way necessarily means that its some syndrome. yes i agree that everything you say might be the case in many peoples lifes. but by saying stuff like, she's in stage 3, she will do this and that. get this. people are different.. do you seriously believe that everyone are acting exactly the same just because they have gigs? Yes, if it is genuine gigs, emotional maturity then yes. i do not doubt it 1%, if you dont understand why, then learn what gigs is. I actually went down the human research road of the brain and body rather than pattern in people. I dont doubt it for one second
BoredAgain Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) do you guys actually believe that just because a person acts in a specific way necessarily means that its some syndrome. yes i agree that everything you say might be the case in many peoples lifes. but by saying stuff like, she's in stage 3, she will do this and that. get this. people are different.. do you seriously believe that everyone are acting exactly the same just because they have gigs? I agree to an extent. The name "grass is greener syndrome" often gives the false impression of a disease with symptoms and stages, but if you go back to the original post on the subject you can see that's not what's being described. A "GIGS" breakup is simply one in which the dumper decides to end a Long-Term relationship for no particular reason other than to see what else is out there. The fact that GIGS breakups occur is pretty much indisputable because we see it here all the time. And the "signs" of GIGS are pretty much what you'd expect: - Younger People (18-25) because they are usually less experienced. They are unaware of what the dating world is like, and they may have high expectations or simply be curious. - People who are in their first LTR for the same reasons. Often it can be difficult to find somebody compatible for a LTR, but how are they to know that if they have been in one since they were 18 or 19? - They are often in a period of transition (high school to college, college to work) or on the brink of a major commitment (getting engaged, getting married, moving in together, moving away from home together, etc.). Since people often question their future path at these times, it can cause people to wonder what else is out there. - They often jump into a new relationships to see what else is out there. Or in some cases this new person has caused them to wonder what it's like to date somebody else. - They give you conflicting or nonsensical reasons for the break-up because, well, there are conflicting emotions. They care about you and want to keep the bond they have with you (hence the "lets still be friends" line), yet they also want to explore dating other people. I could go on, but you get the point. But also note that this doesn't just happen with long term relationships. You see people do this with jobs, careers, college majors, etc. For example, when I started college I quit the job I had been working at for three years. I knew the job was great, but I thought I'd try something new/different. Then, when I got a new job, I realized that I made a huge mistake... I ended up going back to my old job. I think the bigger question is, do GIGS dumpers usually attempt to come back? At the very least I'd say that almost all GIGS dumpers regret their decision at some point and to some degree. And I do think that this causes many of them to attempt a reconciliation. But to they go through "stages"? I'm inclined to agree with you on this one. The experience for all GIGS dumpers is going to vary, and breaking it down into "stages" is probably wrongheaded. Edited January 4, 2012 by BoredAgain 1
wilsonx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Yes the PHASES are money, I can attest to them, homebrew can attest to them, smokey can attest to them. They are spot on perfect. Remember not all breakups are GIGS though. What shook's ex is doing right now is PICTURE PERFECT Phase 3.
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I agree to an extent. The name "grass is greener syndrome" often gives the false impression of a disease with symptoms and stages, but if you go back to the original post on the subject you can see that's not what's being described. A "GIGS" breakup is simply one in which the dumper decides to end a Long-Term relationship for no particular reason other than to see what else is out there. The fact that GIGS breakups occur is pretty much indisputable because we see it here all the time. And the "signs" of GIGS are pretty much what you'd expect: well this could very much be the truth. i also think its wrong to say that it must be a long term relationship. what is long term? 2years? ive met girls that still tries to get me back even when the relationship only lasted a few months, and this is years later. the only thing im trying to say is that everybody acts different. i do agree with what you said, just saying that you dont have to be 20-25 and you can still go through this feelings without having a relationship that lasted for years.
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I agree to an extent. The name "grass is greener syndrome" often gives the false impression of a disease with symptoms and stages, but if you go back to the original post on the subject you can see that's not what's being described. A "GIGS" breakup is simply one in which the dumper decides to end a Long-Term relationship for no particular reason other than to see what else is out there. The fact that GIGS breakups occur is pretty much indisputable because we see it here all the time. And the "signs" of GIGS are pretty much what you'd expect: well this could very much be the truth. i also think its wrong to say that it must be a long term relationship. what is long term? 2years? ive met girls that still tries to get me back even when the relationship only lasted a few months, and this is years later. the only thing im trying to say is that everybody acts different. i do agree with what you said, just saying that you dont have to be 20-25 and you can still go through this feelings without having a relationship that lasted for years. Relationships 1 year or more. The short term ones are using you as an emotional band aid, they havent got to know you enough to leave you to see if there is better.
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 And there is stages because there is experiences that need to take place for the end result to be achieved. Not every case is identical, but is relatable
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Yes the PHASES are money, I can attest to them, homebrew can attest to them, smokey can attest to them. They are spot on perfect. Remember not all breakups are GIGS though. What shook's ex is doing right now is PICTURE PERFECT Phase 3. "What shook's ex is doing right now is PICTURE PERFECT Phase 3" yes it might look like that, if your copy some thread here. but that doesnt mean it is the truth with this person. im not saying that there isnt any truth in with what you guys are saying about gigs. but theres billions of people in this world. probably millions of people have acted like this. not all of them has gigs
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) Relationships 1 year or more. The short term ones are using you as an emotional band aid, they havent got to know you enough to leave you to see if there is better. really? so what youre saying is that every human on this planet needs to be in a 1 year relationship before they want someone back, and dont you think theres some people that gets to know eachother much faster then others. yes most often this could be right, but not always. Edited January 4, 2012 by chados
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 really? so what youre saying is that every human on this planet needs to be in a 1 year relationship before they want someone back, and dont you think theres some people that gets to know eachother much faster then others. yes most often this could be right, but not always. Chados, you asked people for their opinion on this, then you reply and tell them their opinion is incorrect. If you ask a question listen to the advice and take it on board. If you want a debate, post a thread, gigs, lets debate dont ask for opinions and knock them down. This thread is getting off track, from an op looking for help to you wanting to debate gigs, make a new thread. Your not offering advice to the op, your side tracking the thread
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Chados, you asked people for their opinion on this, then you reply and tell them their opinion is incorrect. If you ask a question listen to the advice and take it on board. If you want a debate, post a thread, gigs, lets debate dont ask for opinions and knock them down. This thread is getting off track, from an op looking for help to you wanting to debate gigs, make a new thread. Your not offering advice to the op, your side tracking the thread i just told you that everyone is different. im not debating because i want to prove you wrong, im debating because your giving op advice from a thread youve been reading. and kinda saying that this is always the fact. how is that helping?
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 i just told you that everyone is different. im not debating because i want to prove you wrong, im debating because your giving op advice from a thread youve been reading. and kinda saying that this is always the fact. how is that helping? You just admitted your debating, you just admit i was advising, take your debating somewhere else, its sidetracking the thread
Author shook187 Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 just relax guys. i know this is a pretty heated subject, but i know my ex and she HAS gigs. we broke up in july so its actually 6 months ago. she told me all the normal things, we've grown apart, i don't love you blah blah blah, came back to me in september for 2 weeks, then leaving again saying we need time apart, we had another month off, got back in october for 2 months til december, we mutually broke up realising we were both not over things we had done in those months off. she has recently texted me saying all the typical breadcrumb like answers, here is one text she sent me and i quote. "we always try to rekindle because our love is always going to be so strong, but this time we can't **** it up, we've gotta actually have time apart, not rush, and what will be will be" this girl is not about talking anything that is not the truth, she has always done what she felt is right and never led me astray. it's just unfortunate that a 21 year old has to go through these things, in the same token, by the time she is ACTUALLY ready, i might have someone new. because at this point in time i'm actually feeling good about moving forward if she's going to keep being so indescive.
chados Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 just relax guys. i know this is a pretty heated subject, but i know my ex and she HAS gigs. we broke up in july so its actually 6 months ago. she told me all the normal things, we've grown apart, i don't love you blah blah blah, came back to me in september for 2 weeks, then leaving again saying we need time apart, we had another month off, got back in october for 2 months til december, we mutually broke up realising we were both not over things we had done in those months off. she has recently texted me saying all the typical breadcrumb like answers, here is one text she sent me and i quote. "we always try to rekindle because our love is always going to be so strong, but this time we can't **** it up, we've gotta actually have time apart, not rush, and what will be will be" this girl is not about talking anything that is not the truth, she has always done what she felt is right and never led me astray. it's just unfortunate that a 21 year old has to go through these things, in the same token, by the time she is ACTUALLY ready, i might have someone new. because at this point in time i'm actually feeling good about moving forward if she's going to keep being so indescive.[/quote smokey. i rest my case. shook. but what if she's just insecure? she's 21?. my ex shows all the signs, im not going to follow some step by step program cause everyone is different. it could take her 5 years to realize she wants to be with you. i've had the feeling that the grass is greener myself, and it only took me two months to realize that this was just me being uncomfortable with our lifesituation. i thought that i didnt want her. but what i didnt want was to live our lifes the way we did back then. if you wanna follow the gigsthread go for it. best of luck
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