LSgirl Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 Short background: Me (26) and bf (28) will have our 1 year anniversary in 3 days. Before we met, he was engaged with his ex and together 8 years but she cheated on him and moved in with that girl (she's bisexual). We met only a few months after their split, it was too soon, but we decided to be together. I keep coming back to LS lol. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year but he has yet to say "I love you". For a long time, I waited for him to tell me, I even did the awful emotional/needy "do you love me?" about 10 months in, regretted it but I was desperate to know, and it was a setback as he doesn't open up emotionally and avoids confrontation. We broke up for 3 weeks after but got back together as he would write me letters in the mail (he opens up in writing I noticed) and signed a letter "with love and sincerity" and even added a quote "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Those words actually shocked me as I've never seen him write such things romantic things before. The parts he has opened up with me (and has opened up with me more and more as the relationship goes on), he said he trusts me and doesn't trust too many people. He said the way he was cheated on and heartbroken has made him not believe in love although he longs for it. He said he wants to be married and loves children. He won't let that happen to him again and said he has a wall up. He makes his own plans for himself and won't stop until he fulfills his dreams like traveling. Some great qualities that I admire in him is that he is a very loyal, straightforward guy. I trust him, he's dependable, humanitarian, a guy that everybody loves to be around and has no enemies. He's kind of a hippie, very intelligent, and takes no b.s. from anyone. He truly loves his friends and family and said he would do anything for his mother and nieces and puts himself before others. Great qualities he does for me: he makes time for me, cooks for me (teaches me how to cook lol), sends me emails when I'm at work, texts, calls everyday, always very nice and funny and doesn't ever complain or nitpick anything with me, takes me out to my favorite places, remembers things I like and surprise me, very affectionate. Qualities I don't admire include drinking which he tries to work on, he can get to a dark place when he drinks and talk about his pain from his past as a kid, his ex, his family, etc...he's not verbally expressive so I'm always wondering what he's thinking or where this relationship is headed. If anyone knows Aquarius traits, that's him lol I understand there are different languages of love. He shows me he loves me, but tells me he's just not there or is scared to feel that way again. He said "baby steps" but he doesn't make future plans with me. What brought me here today is that last night he said he plans to go to Europe for a month in October and if he finds opportunity there he will not come back. I was devastated that he would just leave me. He said anyone is welcome to come but nobody can stop from what he loves doing (traveling). He doesn't like to stay in one place too long and even his ex-fiancee of 8 years went along to all those places (but at least she had a ring and knew where she stand). I'm not asking for marriage, I guess I want security/stability. He has so many great qualities, I just wish he didn't have such a wall up. I thought by at least a year he'd love me, but he only cares for me and likes to protect me. He's said he wouldn't still be with me if he didn't feel strongly for me and said I make him happy. He said he sometimes holds back on how strongly he feels for me, but has never mentioned "love". What do you guys think? If he's showing love, why would I not stay with him? But what's with the traveling plans without me, able to walk away and leave me heartbroken. It's now in the back of my mind, it's like why put the effort into something that will just end, or give him more time to come around? He has opened up a lot more in the past few months, but he's still detached emotionally. I wish he wasn't scared, or sometimes I wonder if I'm just not the one for him. It makes me insecure and eats my brain. Any advice/comments?
EgoJoe Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 It looks like he is emotionally unavailable. I think you could benefit from therapy. This looks like a very tough situation and you will grow from it in the long run.
norajane Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I wonder if I'm just not the one for him.You might not be. He's the kind of man who will pick up and travel. That's who he has always been, and who he will always be. Even if he married you or someone else, he'd still be that man who picks up and travels. Is that the kind of woman you are? Is that what you want for your life? He might not be the right man for you.
Author LSgirl Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks for replying, I'm not sure what to do just yet. It's our 1 year anniversary in 2 days and I do want to see him. The thought of leaving him is in the back of my mind a bit but I know I definitely don't want to. We get along great and I see myself with him in the future. I try to be a patient person and I enjoy spending time with him even though I get this anxiety that he will just leave one day. I know he likes to travel, I would love to travel myself but I won't just up and quit my job for something that has no stability. If he said that he loved me and wanted to spend my life with me, I would love to leave with him. I want to talk to him more about this but don't know exactly what to say. I don't want to give him an ultimatum nor sound needy/insecure. How would you guys word it? I was thinking "Hey, I've been thinking lately about how you may go to Europe and possibly stay there if opportunity arises, but I'm worried for what that means for us. I know you said I could come along, but it didn't seem like something you were excited in saying and seemed happier going alone. It doesn't seem like there's much investment on your side and I'm not sure why you would want to continue doing this if you know you will leave me. You're planning a life without me and I want you to understand how that makes me feel." How does something like that sound?
wilsonx Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Speak from the heart, communicate with him, theres no such thing as needy or insecure to someone you love and if he says otherwise, its not love and feel free to walk away
Recommended Posts