huskers11 Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 My dating life in the past year has been a mess. I was super heartbroken by my ex about a year ago now. When I finally started dating, I saw this guy named D for a short time. He wasn't a very good guy but we have been randomly hooking up in the past 4 months. We both know what it is and it's just sex. Then I dated R, who I found out had a girlfriend and was only using me to cheat on her. Lastly, I was/am(not sure but I think he's done) seeing J. With him, I explained things and told him we were gonna take it slow and laid everything out there. We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks now because of christmas and everything. Well about a week ago, things started to get a little weird because my grandfather committed suicide and I was misplacing my emotions towards J. I know I was being clingy and weird and when I realized this I apologized and explained things. He seemed really understanding and cool with everything and we talked the rest of the day. But then after that night I haven't heard from him since. So it's been 3 full days of not hearing anything from him and I've tried to contact him but nothing. It just stopped out of nowhere. I should probably tell you how I am in the relationships.. I have a tendency to get attached fast and easy for some reason. I hate playing the dating game, so I just tell them how I feel and what's on my mind most days. I don't trust easily but once I do I trust them completely and I care about them with my whole heart. So far, my ex is the only one that's gotten this and I still think the world of him even a year later. I'm pretty easy going, so I don't usually engage in confrontation. I text alot, but I do that with friends too. When I like them, I like spending time with them, maybe it's too much time idk. Outside of a few guys, this is basically my whole dating experience. Nothing too long term, mainly just flings. I don't think it's a confidence issue because I am 100% comfortable being me and I don't change to what I think they want and I stand up for myself 100%. I do know I have a hard time letting go and I have a huge fear of losing people, so when I think I'm losing people I do cling towards them. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it but my mother was semi-abusive towards me growing up. She was verbally abuse and neglectful but never physically abusive. I hate blaming it on that but I know there is alot of unresolved feelings and memories there. D, my brother, and my friends have all told me I am clingy and needy with guys.. Any ideas on how to change or what I should do differently?
Lobouspo Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 Are you getting intimate with these men right away? If you are, and then telling them how much you like them, you are probably scaring them off and they don't see you much more than a piece of a-- anyway if you are putting out right away. Play it cool and don't put all your eggs in one basket with the first guy you like and definitely dont get intimate so soon. Be open to meeting other people and go easy on the texting and the contact. As a guy I like for a woman to show interest, but too many texts and calls can become overbearing and a major turnoff. Are you over your ex? You sound kinda lonely and vulnerable Husker, and maybe sometime alone working on yourself and cultivating non romantic relationships would be healthy.
FitChick Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 I used to be just like the OP until I eliminated dozens of beliefs with the Lefkoe Method. google it and watch some youtube sessions. Totally changed my life for the better.
norajane Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 I have a huge fear of losing peopleYou have to be comfortable and happy ON YOUR OWN without a man in your life before you'll stop being clingy and needy. So what if you break up? If your life is good and you have your act together, "losing" a guy wouldn't feel like the end of the world - thus, you won't go to extremes to keep them around even if they aren't right for you. Getting attached quickly to guys you date is a sign of being needy. Dating should be a time when you get to know a person and EVALUATE the quality of your relationship together as it develops. Dating is not about putting a stake in the ground - i wuuuuuv you!!!! - and then clinging on for dear life. Take the time to figure out if someone is worth getting attached to before you do so. Your other option is to have a relationship with a guy who is totally into you while you aren't so into him. HE will be the one who is needy and clingy then, and YOU will get to find out exactly how annoying and creepy that is and how it makes you want to run far away in the other direction. That might help you learn to slow down before attaching yourself to someone you have known only a short time.
Author huskers11 Posted January 3, 2012 Author Posted January 3, 2012 Lobouspo- D & R was definitely too soon for intimacy. But I made a point with the last guy it wouldn't happen for a while until I trusted him and we were dating. Which he would tease about sex but seemed understanding about. Until around the time my grandpa died he was texting me just as much as I was him but then it just stopped a few days ago. I texted him yesterday to see if I did something wrong or if he was disinterested and to just be upfront with me but I never got a response so I'm guessing that's my answer. As for my ex, I think I am over him. He was my first love and I think part of me will always care about him because of that but I don't think I'm still in love with him.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 OP, the first thing that struck me after reading your post was the disconnect between your emotional needs and your physical behaviour. I am not an old-fashioned lady who believes women shouldn't have casual sex; I believe women should do as they please as long as they're safe. However, a woman with admitted emotional neediness/clingy-ness issues should not be engaging in NSA sex. You're setting yourself up for disaster! Women who can pull off NSA sex successfully are those who can separate sex from emotion and don't get easily attached to their partners. By your own admission, you are the polar opposite of that description. You mentioned that you've had such NSA arrangements with "D" as well as now with "J". You really need to cut this out. You don't need "just sex"...you need a strong, healthy relationship built on commitment, love, and trust. You need to be able to feel at ease with your emotions. I'm not saying the clingyness is something you shouldn't work on; it is, and perhaps you might consider seeing a therapist to try and discover why you have such an intense need to "latch" on to someone. But before you even do that, cut these toxic relationships out of your life for good. Someone with your emotional profile is not well suited to casual relationships, and you're just going to keep getting hurt if you continue.
Author huskers11 Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 I want to clarify j and I never had sex. We spent the night together a few times but I wouldnt even let his hands go into my pants when he tried to even touch. And d is the only guy I have been able to "seperate" my feelings from sex. I think its all the drama that happened in the past but I don't know. But I do understand where you are coming from. The therapist is a good suggestion that I have thought about but then I question whether I need something so extreme. It seems the common advice has been to be single tho. If I had to describe my dating life in the past 4 months it would be messy and not good. I just want to figure out how to improve myself so I stop setting myself up for failure.
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