P&R Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 Let me preface this by saying I love my girlfriend, but right now I'm put off by something she said. I can't help feel angry over this, although I do not know if that is really the emotion I'm feeling. I always come down to her work, and we either go to either her home, or mine and spend and evening together. Our conversation switched to her family. Our conversation was going great until I asked a question about her developmentally impared aunt that lives in an assisted living facillity. The question I asked was "Why is she still in (insert state) while your whole family still lives here now?". (The aunt lives thousands of miles away, and every year one of her family members have to fly in to check on her, every summer they pay for her plane ticket to my area too). My girlfriend fell silent. She was angry at me, and later I found out she was hurt. Honestly I thought this was a fair question, seeing as we are very close. I have mixed feeling of anger, and feeling bad for have even asked that question. The red flag comes in our pseudo/passive aggressive fight. I explained that I didn't think it was that bad of a question. The analogy is what really got me... It sounded almost, cruel. Her words were :Some questions are hurtful. Your question was like asking why don't you take in the neighborhood homeless person, and feed him, put a shelter of his head, and clothe him.... I was shocked by this analogy, and honestly I'm kind of angry about that analogy, I just can't get it out of my head.
Dorie Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 As far as I'm concerned, the "red flag" is your completely lack of awareness as to how emotionally loaded the subject is. It's quite obviously a touchy subject. Her analogy reveals how overwhelmed she feels about her aunt's condition, and the hopelessness surrounding it. Put your hurt feelings aside and let it alone.
dasein Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 It would be a mild red flag in my book in a couple of ways. First it suggests that her feelings are too easily hurt by an honest question. Is she going to look at it as an excuse to beat you up every time a controversial subject comes up in life? If so, communication and feelings will suffer. Second, her use of the unreasonable "bad analogy" tactic is very common and very annoying when trying to have a discussion with certain women. If she reasons poorly with respect to straightforward topics like this, who knows what ridiculous preconceived, illogical notions may color her thinking generally? In your shoes, if it's a one time thing would let it drop. If this kind of thinking and reaction to things you say pops up more and more, she is likely to be a bad bet for a happy LTR. Good luck.
ditzchic Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 How long have you guys been together? It seems to me like she was just uncomfortable answering the question and you kept pushing so it caused her to get a bit passive agressive. She felt you were prying and pushing her boundaries. If this is new-ish relationship, I wouldn't take it as a red flag so much as you just needing to realize where her boundaries are and when you are stepping over her lines. She definitely isn't fully open to you. It's up to you to decide if you've been together long enough for her to be and if her walls are acceptable to you. I don't think it's a red flag type issue though. But maybe a compatibility thing...
KathyM Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 I think you're making too much of this, and there is no red flag here. Your gf obviously feels conflicted about her aunt and the care she is receiving, and you made it sound like she doesn't care about the aunt and is rejecting and neglecting the aunt by having her be so far away and only visiting once a year. She was hurt because you implied that she was neglecting her aunt. I don't think she's out of line to internalize your comment. No reason to dump the woman over this.
FitChick Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 I'm sure you were not the first person to ask her or a family member this question. That is why she got defensive. She knows it looks bad.
mortensorchid Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 Yes, you didn't do the right thing when asking about her aunt. Now on one hand don't feel bad, you really didn't know about this. But, now that you do, stay out of it. I've learned the hard way not to ask people too many questions, even about trivial things. YOu would be surprised to find out how many people are offended by even ridiculous or harmless things like "what's your favorite color?". Just say "I didn't realize, I'm sorry that I have asked this, I was just curious", and then move on.
zengirl Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 As far as I'm concerned, the "red flag" is your completely lack of awareness as to how emotionally loaded the subject is. It's quite obviously a touchy subject. Her analogy reveals how overwhelmed she feels about her aunt's condition, and the hopelessness surrounding it. Put your hurt feelings aside and let it alone. I echo this one. The issue with the question -- that it is a loaded question, very much worded in a way that will naturally put the person on the defensive, and one she has probably heard or thought of before which likely fills her with guilt, frustration, helplessness, and sadness -- is EXTREMELY obvious to anyone with basic social tact. Whereas she might not have handled it perfectly, and someone could perhaps be more graceful than her, it was you, OP, who went on the attack. Perhaps accidentally, yes, but it's still an attack. I know you hate analogies, so here's one If you slap someone in the face, and they don't respond with 100% grace while telling you not to slap them in the face, is that a red flag? No, the red flag would be not expressing her frustration with you at all, which she obviously did and now you understand it. You asked a rude question, and she got upset. If that's not something you can handle, there may be an incompatibility. Or she might be thinking the same thing.
dasein Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 If you slap someone in the face, and they don't respond with 100% grace while telling you not to slap them in the face, is that a red flag? No, the red flag would be not expressing her frustration with you at all, which she obviously did and now you understand it. Perfect example of the type of weak reasoning via bad analogy I was talking about in the earlier post. Of course words can be hurtful, but words that equate to an act of physical violence such as a face slap would be the type of words that would be "violently" insulting and objectively offensive to most anyone, not a simple, direct question that may or may not have accusatory subtext and intent. Being called a "racist a-hole," for example, or having one's father called a pedophile -might- be closer to the equivalent speech to a physically violent act. There is no need for analogies in OP's situation, as the situation is quite clear and easily understood based on the actual description of the situation OP offers.
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2012 Posted January 3, 2012 I think it is a fair question and was innocent and no reason to be hurt, I find it just her being irrational. She could have just said she didnt want to talk about. I'd be wondering the same thing too if all the family lived in say ohio and the aunt was in say Nevada by herself where no family could easily visit her. If the OP's gf didnt want to answer, she should have just said so, she should have seen this as a competently harmless and innocent question. It wasnt totally out of the blue as you two were talking about her family and she has shared this information before because well, he knew about it. If it was so bad the gf wouldnt have mentioned the aunt ever. Now this is going to sound sexist (and it really is, but I've seen it happen a lot and there is an equivalent for men too), but I see it has her just making one of those womanly over analyzations and interpreting something legit as inappropriate. :ducks behind couch from female posters : Dont sweat it, women do this (and guys do similar things too, we're pretty much unaware of the severity of the situation, which I am possibly doing here)
soulm8 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Let me preface this by saying I love my girlfriend, but right now I'm put off by something she said. I can't help feel angry over this, although I do not know if that is really the emotion I'm feeling. I always come down to her work, and we either go to either her home, or mine and spend and evening together. Our conversation switched to her family. Our conversation was going great until I asked a question about her developmentally impared aunt that lives in an assisted living facillity. The question I asked was "Why is she still in (insert state) while your whole family still lives here now?". (The aunt lives thousands of miles away, and every year one of her family members have to fly in to check on her, every summer they pay for her plane ticket to my area too). My girlfriend fell silent. She was angry at me, and later I found out she was hurt. Honestly I thought this was a fair question, seeing as we are very close. I have mixed feeling of anger, and feeling bad for have even asked that question. The red flag comes in our pseudo/passive aggressive fight. I explained that I didn't think it was that bad of a question. The analogy is what really got me... It sounded almost, cruel. Her words were :Some questions are hurtful. Your question was like asking why don't you take in the neighborhood homeless person, and feed him, put a shelter of his head, and clothe him.... I was shocked by this analogy, and honestly I'm kind of angry about that analogy, I just can't get it out of my head. It's unsettling and disappointing when you feel misunderstood by someone you love, and who supposedly loves you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be upset that my question was misconstrued and used against me. To be honest, I'm surprised by the number of replies supporting her reaction. Why is she entitled to feel offended by your question? I think it was inappropriate of her to shame you for asking. Sounds like a compatibility issue with your communication styles... . The only way I can see her reaction as being justified, is if you tend to judge her and/or her family... and this was a kneejerk reaction to end the questions/comments.
ascendotum Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I'm sure you were not the first person to ask her or a family member this question. That is why she got defensive. She knows it looks bad. This is probably the case. Look her reticence over wanting to discuss the matter I would find disappointing that she could not discuss the matter candidly with you, but I certainly wouldn't go as far far as saying its a red flag. I can understand why her 'homeless person' analogy annoyed you though, its a crap wrap up of the matter. As far as I'm concerned, the "red flag" is your completely lack of awareness as to how emotionally loaded the subject is. Oh boy, now if I was in your shoes and your gf thought you were the 'red flag', after your limited discussion over her impaired aunt, then I would be calling out 'red flag' on this.
Emilia Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 OP, you crossed your girlfriend's boundaries, clearly she felt you touched on something that she felt sensitive about. It happens. People fall out over boundaries but learn what matters for the other person in the process. You will be a little more careful in the future over how you ask something and she will be more careful with how she reacts. It's all a learning curve, no red flags. Good luck
blueskyday Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) To add another analogy, it's like you accidentally bumped into her and she got hurt when she got slammed into the doorway and fell down. You say sorry and help her up. You don't get defensive and say you didn't mean to knock her down while leaving her on the ground. You say sorry, and take action (help her up), as you say you didn't see her. As for your comment, you clearly didn't mean it in a critical way, but you still need to care she got hurt. You need to say, "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't realize how much you are hurting over this. I didn't mean to imply anything. I was simply curious and thinking that she could be at a facility here. That's all. It must be quite a stress on you, huh?" Then listen. That's all. That's the action of helping her up. No red flags on either side. It's a chance for you to be there for her over an emotional issue. She will do the same for you, too, when you need it. The key is to not get defensive and explain ourselves when our partner gets hurt. It's better to attend to their emotion and/or concern first before explaining ourselves. They will listen better if they know we care about how they feel first. Edited January 4, 2012 by blueskyday
zengirl Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Perfect example of the type of weak reasoning via bad analogy I was talking about in the earlier post. Of course words can be hurtful, but words that equate to an act of physical violence such as a face slap would be the type of words that would be "violently" insulting and objectively offensive to most anyone, not a simple, direct question that may or may not have accusatory subtext and intent. Being called a "racist a-hole," for example, or having one's father called a pedophile -might- be closer to the equivalent speech to a physically violent act. There is no need for analogies in OP's situation, as the situation is quite clear and easily understood based on the actual description of the situation OP offers. If you read the line before my analogy, you can see my adding of the analogy was tongue-in-cheek. Hence the emoticon.
dasein Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 If you read the line before my analogy, you can see my adding of the analogy was tongue-in-cheek. Hence the emoticon. Yeah, how could I have missed that smilicon? you know, the one that always means "tongue in cheek" every single time it's used? Nice try, but your agreement with the first over-the-top, unwarranted response in the thread was quite clear.
Casablanca Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 To be honest, I'm surprised by the number of replies supporting her reaction. Why is she entitled to feel offended by your question? I think it was inappropriate of her to shame you for asking. Sounds like a compatibility issue with your communication styles... . Im just as shocked as you...the gf had at some point told the OP this information, and they were talking about family...a response from her should have been, I dont want to talk about it and be done...and from the sounds of it, he asked it in a polite way....now had he said "why does your bat crazy lunatic of an aunt live so far away, is that so he craziness is far enough away from the family?"...then I'd understand the harsh reply of the gf and people supporting that...but I'm assuming the OP asked it in a mature, innocent and perfectly acceptable way
Recommended Posts