Whom you go on dates with versus whom you actually end up with--welcming your take!

[Imajerk17]

I've noticed something very interesting, at least when it comes to many of the women on here.

 

Many women have gone on dates with guys who have a lot going for them on paper--looks, great job, even social skills. But many women end up becoming seriously involved with guys who on paper seem to have a lot less going for them. These are often guys they've gone way back with. Maybe these are guys who have been in their social circle for a while or something.

 

I read the stories on here with admittedly, a little bit of sadness. I feel I fall into the former category. I meet women all the time (online or during the day). I hook up my fair share of times. And nothing lasting really seems to come from it. These are women I met cold, so no history between me and them. I also happen to have a good job and be good-looking. (I was born skinny and shy, but I really got into the whole Self-Improvement thing. I put myself out there socially a lot after college. I also lift weights and I am strong. I'm 5'8" but 160 lbs and can deadlift 360. And I dress sharp.) And I'm not sure if the women I met were attracted to me or if it was because I "checked the right boxes", if that makes any sense.

 

I'm really looking for more.

 

I also thinking of one woman in particular, whom I met this fall (from online), and was really impressed with, but whom I wasn't able to make a big connection with during the first meet. Beautiful, passionate, someone who volunteers, who has had to make her way in the world without much help from her parents. She works two jobs--one her day job and the other in a restuarant to pay off her college student loans. Not perfect by any means but real. We met for brunch and had an OK conversation, but obviously not OK enough. (It does take longer than one date for me to warm up to someone.) She said "I'm sorry, but now just isn't a good time for me" when I asked her for a second date. I suspect that if there is someone else, it isn't that he has more going for him than I do, it's just that they have more history, so he is more "real" to her. I'm just a couple (well-written) emails, phone calls, and one meeting to her. Superficial stuff.

 

I believe that the other guy, if there even is another guy and they ended up together, doesn't have as much going for him, from reading the stories on her and from hearing some stories from my female friends.

 

 

If we had met through something other than Match, maybe I could have pursued her. If only because we would see each other around time and time again.

 

I'm wondering how she is doing. I am even entertaining the idea of going to the restaurant where she works (with a female friend) and trying to talk to her. Get dinner with my friend, and then (if my server isn't her) ask if "so-and-so" is on tonight and tell her that I was wondering how she was doing. (My female friend is so that I don't come across as a stalker or anything. I think anyway...)

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited December 31, 2011 by Imajerk17

[lululucy]

I also thinking of one woman in particular, whom I met this fall (from online), and was really impressed with, but whom I wasn't able to make a big connection with during the first meet. Beautiful, passionate, someone who volunteers, who has had to make her way in the world without much help from her parents. She works two jobs--one her day job and the other in a restuarant to pay off her college student loans. Not perfect by any means but real. We met for brunch and had an OK conversation, but obviously not OK enough. (It does take longer than one date for me to warm up to someone.) She said "I'm sorry, but now just isn't a good time for me" when I asked her for a second date. I suspect that if there is someone else, it isn't that he has more going for him than I do, it's just that they have more history, so he is more "real" to her. I'm just a couple (well-written) emails, phone calls, and one meeting to her. Superficial stuff.

 

I definitely agree, when you meet someone online it's kind of a hit or miss kind of first date and if you miss, there isn't much you can do to get it back. It's too bad that you don't warm up immediately because you are going to be written off a lot. What is your definition of not warming up?

 

I'm not too sure how to answer the other, more general part of your question. I've dated guys who look good on paper and guys that don't, though none of them were really part of my social circle. Your description of yourself sounds a lot like my boyfriend so I can't complain about any of it I think your best bet would be to examine what kind of behaviour you exhibit on a date when you aren't warming up -- I have gone (when I did OLD) on dates with guys who seemed so checked out that I was counting the minutes until I could gracefully bow out. One of them asked me out multiple times after, which I couldn't understand because we had zero chemistry and an incredibly forced conversation.

[jobaba]

Many women have gone on dates with guys who have a lot going for them on paper--looks, great job, even social skills. But many women end up becoming seriously involved with guys who on paper seem to have a lot less going for them. These are often guys they've gone way back with. Maybe these are guys who have been in their social circle for a while or something.

 

I am in my 30s, lived mostly in NYC and surrounding area in my working years, and over half of my friends and family and doctors, lawyers, engineers and Wall Street types who make over six figures.

 

And what I have seen is, "When it comes to marriage, she'll pick the guy who looks good on paper."

Edited December 31, 2011 by jobaba

[Imajerk17]

Hey Lucy, to answer your question, its getting past the small talk and connecting. I'm good at it but its not always there. I wonder if she was the one having a bad day and was checked out not really there herself.

 

What do you think of my suggested next course of action?

[mammamia1]

why don't u email/text/call her again? Going to the restaurant she works would be a bit creepy, I don't think u should do that. Anyway, u have nothing to lose by contacting a woman. No one's gonna fine u or anything.

My motto is "u'll never regret for things u did; u'll only regret things u didn't do"

[Imajerk17]

why don't u email/text/call her again? Going to the restaurant she works would be a bit creepy, I don't think u should do that. Anyway, u have nothing to lose by contacting a woman. No one's gonna fine u or anything.

My motto is "u'll never regret for things u did; u'll only regret things u didn't do"

 

Great advice. I will call her next week. Thanks mammamia!

[Sanman]

You know, prior to meeting my current gf, I was in the same boat as you. Decent looking (good enough to score a date with an attractive woman, but not so good looking that they drooled over me), good career, fun to be round, etc, but could not make a relationship stick more than a few months. What I realized was that it was not me. The girl you are talking about clearly has alot on her plate ( I am guessing she is in her 20s) and is not looking to settle down. She wants fun, sex, and maybe to be treated to a few dinners. Here is the thing....online dating often involves choosing with your head, but meeting in person involves choosing with your heart (or lower regions of your anatomy ). You were not what she was looking for at the moment. Maybe she wants the hipster or young artist to enjoy being young and broke for a while. When she gets tired of such thins and wants to settle down, you may be her type of guy. You have no idea how serious most people really are about relationships and being good on paper gets you chosen for marriage, not dating.

[lululucy]

Hey Lucy, to answer your question, its getting past the small talk and connecting. I'm good at it but its not always there. I wonder if she was the one having a bad day and was checked out not really there herself.

 

What do you think of my suggested next course of action?

 

Yeah I can understand that, it's hard sharing parts of yourself with someone you've just met and you don't want to overshare because that freaks people out too.

 

I agree with the other poster (mammamia? forgive me if I got that wrong), I would call rather than show up at her work. While harmless, it could come across as a little weird after only one date (save that for dates five-ish onwards). If the coldness was because of no connection on her part and not just a bad day, let her go -- you're a nice guy and I guarantee you're going to find someone who appreciates that.