Buttercup84 Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 I know a lot of people say they won't cheat , but what do they consider cheating ? My ex said he never cheated on me but after he dumped me snooped his email and saw that he and his friend were hatching a plan ( subject of their email ) and my ex were still together at this time and he said he joined a dating site and already contacted girls and was planning on giving me the break up speech . He uses the same password for everything so I found his dating profile. The photos were old , ones I saw on his phone when we first met . And you can keep the profile hidden instead of deleting it . When we were dating I found out that he was emailing this girl he met through work while he was still with his ex . He said he only did it because his ex was a bitch to him. When I asked him which dating site he met his ex he said he forgot and later said he won't tell me . Now I know why . We lived together and I used his computer with his permission and he deleted his browser history a lot . After we broke up he said he never cheated on me but now I just think he does not consider that cheating .
flitzanu Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 wait, what? he was talking to other girls while you were together, and you're asking if that's cheating?
Author Buttercup84 Posted December 31, 2011 Author Posted December 31, 2011 wait, what? he was talking to other girls while you were together, and you're asking if that's cheating? Sorry I made it confusing hehe . When he was dating the girl before me he was talking to another girl and I saw their emails . And he had a dating profile while we were together , or at least made it just before we broke up .
flitzanu Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 Sorry I made it confusing hehe . When he was dating the girl before me he was talking to another girl and I saw their emails . And he had a dating profile while we were together , or at least made it just before we broke up . i don't see how that is cheating. sounds like he wasn't that into you, and sounds like he was keeping his options open, but that's not necessarily "cheating".
fificremefarben Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 i don't see how that is cheating. sounds like he wasn't that into you, and sounds like he was keeping his options open, but that's not necessarily "cheating". Yes, but it's not exactly "faithful" behaviour either, is it? Either way, this guy sounds like a chump. I know it's easy to say, but you're far better off without him. New year, new start x
Author Buttercup84 Posted December 31, 2011 Author Posted December 31, 2011 Yes, but it's not exactly "faithful" behaviour either, is it? Either way, this guy sounds like a chump. I know it's easy to say, but you're far better off without him. New year, new start x Thank you. X
RecordProducer Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 My ex-husband was like this. Even if it's not cheating it's dishonesty. Betrayal. I discovered this early in our marriage and it made me realize what a sneaky, slippery, dishonest person he was. It's never just about girls - it's just the tip of the ice berg: it's a result of a major personality disorder or two. The need to do things behind the back of the person who loves them shows a selfish, sadistic, unscrupulous nature. But for me it was too late. Thank God, I am divorced from that assh*le.
Author Buttercup84 Posted December 31, 2011 Author Posted December 31, 2011 My ex-husband was like this. Even if it's not cheating it's dishonesty. Betrayal. I discovered this early in our marriage and it made me realize what a sneaky, slippery, dishonest person he was. It's never just about girls - it's just the tip of the ice berg: it's a result of a major personality disorder or two. The need to do things behind the back of the person who loves them shows a selfish, sadistic, unscrupulous nature. But for me it was too late. Thank God, I am divorced from that assh*le. I'm so sorry , wow . Yeah it makes you wonder what kind of person could do that
flitzanu Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 well to be fair, you never said WHAT the conversations were about. simply speaking to another female doesn't constitute disloyalty, but if he was trying to hook up with another girl in those conversations, yes that's disloyalty.
Author Buttercup84 Posted December 31, 2011 Author Posted December 31, 2011 well to be fair, you never said WHAT the conversations were about. simply speaking to another female doesn't constitute disloyalty, but if he was trying to hook up with another girl in those conversations, yes that's disloyalty. Well with his dating site he was sending out " kisses " to the girls which means he wants contact with them . And with the other girl before he met me they were going to meet up for drinks , he didn't mention his girlfriend and I just think that if he did it with her he did it with me . It just is the type who wants revenge if someone pisses me off . And he was emotionaly abusive so ..but anyway thanks for the reply
Mack05 Posted December 31, 2011 Posted December 31, 2011 (edited) As I always say B you are focusing on stuff that really doesn't matter. I mean you asked the same question a few months ago. If I were you; I'd always convince myself it was cheating. I would use this as a mechanism to move on. Kinda like "this B@st@rd emotionally abused me, cheated on me, criticized me over and over again. I will not allow myself EVER to be treated like this by any man again. I am so much better off without him. Yeah 2011 sucked, (it did for me too) but 2012 is my year and I am going to make this happen for me.." Make peace with yourself and this man. Truly forgive yourself for the abortion (this is key), or any other mistakes that you have made in the relationship or before the relationship. This is the first MASSIVE step in rebuilding self esteem. Forgive him, so you can release the final finger he has in his grip over you. Then it's onwards and upwards for 2012... Happy New Year! Edited December 31, 2011 by Mack05
CaliBabe Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I think it's obvious that this is considered cheating which is why you posted the thread. Emotional cheating is still cheating.
ken_25 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I feel what you're describing is emotional cheating.
confused kitty Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Deffenitly emotional cheating (at least) and deffenitly not ok!!!
flitzanu Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 so then, devil's advocate here, ladies, if *this* is considered cheating...a guy flirting on dating sites and emailing to meet up with other women, is it cheating for a lady to reciprocate flirting from ANYONE in public? say, a cute bartender, the hunk at the gym that's eyeballing you, etc? smiling and blushing is/can be a sexual or flirtatious response to stimulus...but is that then, "cheating"? again, devil's advocate. i'm not taking sides here, i'm just saying that (again, semantics) this may not ought to be called "cheating" but more that the guy is a prick, and apparently not into her if he's trying to flirt with and meet other girls. flirting does not always equal cheating.
Jono85 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 so then, devil's advocate here, ladies, if *this* is considered cheating...a guy flirting on dating sites and emailing to meet up with other women, is it cheating for a lady to reciprocate flirting from ANYONE in public? say, a cute bartender, the hunk at the gym that's eyeballing you, etc? smiling and blushing is/can be a sexual or flirtatious response to stimulus...but is that then, "cheating"? again, devil's advocate. i'm not taking sides here, i'm just saying that (again, semantics) this may not ought to be called "cheating" but more that the guy is a prick, and apparently not into her if he's trying to flirt with and meet other girls. flirting does not always equal cheating. not a girl obv, but that comparison is ridiculous, and i'm not sure how can't realize that? one (the guy) seeks out girls on a DATING site, and tries to talk to them, sends them kisses, interviews new girls basically that could potentially be better than his. the other (girl) simply smiles and enjoys guys hitting on them in public, but never acts on it. one is seeking out potential mates, the other is simply enjoying/teasing with members of the opposite sex hitting on them.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 one is seeking out potential mates, the other is simply enjoying/teasing with members of the opposite sex hitting on them. OK, where's the boundary? She 'lets' them 'hit on her'. Progress that. When does 'she lets' become infidelity? How about this? Anything she 'lets' them do/say in front of her BF or H with his approval is not infidelity....
HLP234 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 It depends how you look at it. I found out my gf was emailing another guy and they were talking a lot through texting. She would look through my phone and stuff to see if I was doing stuff like that I guess but I'm not. She was basically talking to this kid about how she felt and planning to hang out with him alone, basically behind my back. I have a post on here about it. So yes I did consider it cheating but only way to find out was to confront her and I did, of course it was denied and now I noticed they have not been talking any more well as far as I know. So it depends on the extent and what you know about the person.
Jono85 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 OK, where's the boundary? She 'lets' them 'hit on her'. Progress that. When does 'she lets' become infidelity? How about this? Anything she 'lets' them do/say in front of her BF or H with his approval is not infidelity.... Everyone has their own bounderies. Personally I don't have a problem with my gf getting hit on by other guys (assuming I'm not present) as long as there's nothing physical, and she doesn't give her number, or take theirs, or arrange any future meet-up etc. If she just smiles back at them, and keeps walking, no harm done. If she stops to talk or say thankyou (assuming she was complemented) again no harm done. But if the guy starts getting a little personal with her I would hope she would throw in "my boyfriend" somewhere in that discussion and end the discussion. I mean I think most people have an idea of what is right or wrong in most situations. They might spend much time trying to make themselves believe what they did was okay, but deep down, most ppl know right from wrong in an exlcusive relationship.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) So yes I did consider it cheating but only way to find out was to confront her and I did, of course it was denied and now I noticed they have not been talking any more well as far as I know. So it depends on the extent and what you know about the person. IME with MW's, when one avenue of validation dries up, either through loss of interest or exposure, they simply move on to another avenue. The specifics of the prior avenue are consigned to the nether and it's a clean sheet. The most prolific of these have a benign contingents of orbiters, some single and some married/LTR, who ostensibly pass for 'friends' prior to their avenue being selected for pursuit. So, to extrapolate, when one avenue is discovered and discontinued, this does not necessarily mean that a boundary lesson was learned. It can mean that. This is why I now pay far more attention to family and marital/relationship history than I did prior and give far fewer 'benefits of doubt'. Core personality traits rarely change and are trackable/discoverable. If one is to constantly/consistently seek or facilitate benign or otherwise non-genital involved flirting, and that behavior is incompatible with a partner's boundaries, then it could be an irreconcilable incompatibility. With a like-minded person there might be synergy. Finding a match is the work. But if the guy starts getting a little personal with her I would hope she would throw in "my boyfriend" somewhere in that discussion and end the discussion. OK, so that, combined with such activities not occurring in front of you, are your boundaries in this area. Great data point Edited January 4, 2012 by carhill
HLP234 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Well i have only given her the benefit of the doubt this time, next time like you said I am more careful now. We seem to be doing a lot better than before, a lot. But I still wonder if they talk or whatever but from what I know, seems like they do not. So it makes sense what you stated, sometimes a lesson can be learned if not by her, at least by you, and you learn to be more observant of certain traits. Even friends have told me to end it when I discussed that issue with them but some stated to give the benefit of doubt just once and if it happens again well you can figure out what would happen.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Thanks all for your replies , I will reply soon . But now that I can think a bit more clear , I do consider it cheating . He called me a crappy girlfriend . I wasn't perfect but I tried my hardest , was faithful and supportive . Flirting isn't cheating , but he actually went out of his way to " flirt" . If I went to a bar and a guy talked to me I would talk to him but not flirt and keep my distance , sure getting attention is flattering but I didn't return the attention . I only started enjoying it when my ex stopped complimenting me and ignored me . But I never ignored him , I flattered him and only turned down sex during that time of the month . He wanted to get married and have kids with me , told his friends I was the one etc and yet he kept the profile on private just in case . All the while he was emotionaly abusive and making me feel like a horrible girlfriend. So yes , if we have exchanged I love you's and live together and you have a dating profile then you are cheating .
carhill Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 So yes , if we have exchanged I love you's and live together and you have a dating profile then you are cheating . One boundary Flirting isn't cheating but he actually went out of his way to " flirt" Another boundary, though I'm a bit vague. Describe 'out of his way' a bit more clearly. For example, if he had been flirting with another woman who happened to be making google eyes at him in a bar, say a friend of a friend whom you know, would that be 'going out of his way' if she was right in front of him? Is any overt act of flirtation breaching the boundary? What if a lady was flirting with him, you know leaning in and brushing her breasts against his arm whilst talking softly, and he stood his ground but did nothing overt, would that be OK? After all, he was just enjoying her 'attention'. If you were enjoying the 'attentions' of other men, ostensibly after your BF stopped complimenting you and was ignoring you, instead of breaking up with him, what exactly is that? Had he been present, would he have approved? The sword cuts both ways. Perhaps the lesson is to pay attention to the canaries and get out of the mine before one suffocates. Ignoring you was a kick-ass canary that died on your watch. I had the same thing happen in my M. I did exactly the same thing you did and got hammered for an EA and hefty divorce settlement. I'm lousy at rationalizing and it cost me.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 Maybe some women will be Ok with their partner having a online dating site but I am not . I only " enjoyed " it at the end of our relationship because he made me feel like I was invisible and disgusting because he never touched me . I would have never cheated . But if a guy came up to me , touching me in a bar I would walk away . But it is over now between us so I am just going to let it be and forget about it . Even if he wasnt that into me in the end he could have at least respected me and wait until we were over . Not when I was living with him and doing so much for him .
HLP234 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 My fiance and I also talked on a dating site, that is how we met. Well she did not like that some woman on there messaged me and I had talked to her before I even met my fiance, that woman just happened to reply back after we had started dating. She did not like it, and got so pissed. So I deleted my account. Did she delete hers? No..was I upset, kinda but I trust her so I didn't mind and she would tell me how many creepy messages she would get. And then later noticed she would still login and not actually talk to many people, but those she talked to just friendly stuff. But then came someone which she started texting with and that's where it got overboard. So yeh that was the boundary that was stepped on. She still has that account and I notice she does not talk on there anymore because I had said something multiple times about it.
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