for those in a long distance relationship how do you stay sane?

[choppedkittens]

We live thousands of miles apart and only get to see each other every few months. I love him but I'm also going a bit crazy from the lack of physical contact. Still, I've found this long distance relationship has been a lot more consistent and satisfying than the others I've been in, mostly because we both put in a lot of effort to making it work.

 

What are your tips for staying sane in a ldr?

 

Here are mine:

 

1) Do things in parallel. We often watch movies streaming on netflix at the same time, and we'll stay on the phone or keep a chat going while we do so we can comment on the movie or whatever as we watch. Sometimes we fall asleep on the phone or on skype. I love hearing his voice as it gets increasingly whispery and soft at night.

 

2) Send each other things. We send each other packages/letters in the mail. Online we make photo and mix tapes for each other. We're both into photography and frequent at a lot of photo blogs, so we have a little tradition where we send each other a batch of about 50 new photos that we've discovered in our browsing each couple of weeks. The person who receives the batch will paste their favorites out of the folder. Sometimes we'll try to guess which the other will like best.

 

3) Talk every day and find creative ways to keep the conversation fresh. We spend a couple of hours on average talking each day and we never run out of conversation. I've heard other people say their conversations run dry if they talk that often without sharing experience, but we've managed to avoid that trap by developing banter, bouncing creative ideas off each other, and talking about whatever we're reading or current events that interest us. I've started reading more just to keep up with our conversations. Having inside jokes helps too. We have a running joke where we say, "would you still love me if..." and imagine increasingly ridiculous/disgusting situations.

 

4) Be supportive even if you can't be there in person. This may be the most important thing. If one of us is sick or down, we each put effort into cheering the other up and it always seems to work. This is more of a general relationship thing but we also have a no judging policy where we basically can tell each other anything and know the other person won't judge. Whenever I've told him something I'm embarrassed about from the past or something that makes me feel vulnerable, he's always told me he loves me right after and feels even closer to me now. That really, really helps because in other relationships I always felt judged. And he's never thrown anything I've told him back at me. I try to do the same with him.

[chphan]

Don't know. I'm having problems with #3 right now. It was easier during the honeymoon stages and the first early months but its clearly starting to become a problem where since we aren't doing anything together like go out for dinner, watch movies, ect that normal people in close distance can do.

 

The converstation is starting to go dry for sure. So its not like I live an exciting life to keep things refresh. After saying hi to keep the daily contact going its like okay what can we talk about that we haven't talk about yesterday. Its starting to become like we need to find something to do small talk with.

 

And that shouldn't be happening as a couple when you are struggling to find something to do small talk with.

[wildgeese]

My LDR (and relationship in general) is a very healthy one, but we're not exactly a "by the book" LDR couple. We prefer not to talk on the phone every day, but probably every 3 days. We do text every single day even if just to say that we love one another. We only Skype once a week, if even that. We've never had the issue of conversation running dry and our voice/video chats usually last 2+ hours.

 

I think the thing that keeps us the most connected, long distance or not, is our ability to make each other laugh no matter what. When I picture our relationship, I picture the two of us laughing. We're a couple of nuts together and I'm always excited to talk to him. We're honestly best friends as well as romantic partners.

 

We also send one another gifts, read the same book at the same time, send pictures through text, talk about the future, plan for our next visit, etc.

 

We basically stay sane by knowing our LD is going to end in about 5 months (an end point is so crucial!) and knowing that we genuinely love one another. It doesn't hurt that we constantly remind each other of that fact too.

 

LDR are different for every individual person/couple and the lengths they'll have to go to keep it sane will be different. We're both independent, busy, trusting people who know that we've got a really good thing going. We don't need to talk every day to feel connected because we feel connected constantly, in every thing we do. We're lucky - and that knowledge keeps me sane every time I miss him being physically near.

[folieadeux]

All great pointers here, but I tend to agree the most with Wildgeese on having an end date. It really is crucial. Everyone wants to know their relationship is going somewhere, but it's even more necessary in a LD situation. Degrees of communication vary by couple; whatever works for one won't necessarily work for another. So as long as you're both happy and putting forth the effort it'll work. Easier said than done, but those really are the fundamentals to staying sane. What works best for me is keeping busy and not forgetting to have my own life between visits. I'll be moving to my fiance in about six months and very much look forward to not living in airport terminals anymore.

[HeavenOrHell]

Me and my partner don't have an end date anymore, I thought it was crucial to have one and it probably is, I'm probably just kidding myself we'll be ok even without one Not so easy to break up for that reason though.

 

In the meantime having the right amount of communication is essential, keeping the bond/closeness in whichever ways work for each couple. Being honest with each other, as hard as that is at times, and trusting each other, and planning your next visit.

[Biscous]

I like the idea of Skyping together. I do Skype dates with my girl, or sometimes on occasion Skype together.

 

Definitely having an end date in mind is key. It gives a goal and a mindset. My girlfriend and I have challenged each other in many ways. We have different interests and I must say that she does challenge me intellectually. I'm more of a left brain person, she is more into the arts, theatre, music, philosophy. I'm no slouch in those aspects, but she definitely challenges me and I read sometimes just to keep up with her

 

Other ways we challenge each other is through our own lives. One of the things I hated when I first dated her was that she was a social smoker. She vowed to me to never smoke again. She is working out reguarly and enjoys it and her body is so sexy to me, more than before!

 

She told me to give up the cable and read more. I've done that. I eat healthy and work out consistently at a competitive level but she criticizes me on how much red meat I eat, so I'm giving it up for a month as a challenge.

 

Even though we are distant we are still apart of each others lives and grow together. Of course growth occurs individually and it should, but you have to be part of each others lives.

[january2011]

In no particular order of importance:

 

1. Skype/talk every day about what's going on in your life
   
2. Keep the Skype audio/video running even if you're just doing everyday things so that you're still in each other's 'presence'
   
3. Sleep-Skype
   
4. Plan and set a date to see each other in person
   
5. Involve him/her in decisions
   
6. Send each other interesting links, short messages, e.g., "thinking of you"
   
7. Try to be consistent so that you know when you'll next hear from each other
   
8. Try to be positive and happy during your interactions but be honest about your feelings and thoughts
   

I think a lot of these are centred around creating a feeling a intimacy/closeness/trust/security without the luxury of face-to-face contact. You can't physically be part of each other's lives but there's still a lot you can do to be there virtually and emotionally.

[Biscous]

-Play games together

-Skype

-COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION

-Send each other small gifts

-Do small things to keep each other involved. My girlfriend and I share videos and videos with each other. This is great because you are including your SO with you.

-Positivity

-A little dirty talk & skypersex doesn't hurt either