casual/multidating/lying?

[eleanorhurting]

I had never really dated before so I am new to this. To me, if I am dating "casually" it means going on dates, getting to know the person, not getting physically involved. If i am physically involved with someone I want exclusivity.

 

However, in those initial stages of going on dates, are you honest that you are dating other people?

 

Like if someone calls you today and asks you to go out tonight, but you already have plans with someone, do you tell them?

 

This guy I have been getting to know for a while is a little clingy and he asks a lot of questions about who I am with and where (names, how long I have known them for, etc) . I don't know if I should tell him the truth? I already told him that right now I want to get to know people and that I do date other people but that I do not get physically involved with anyone until I have gotten to know them very well and I am exclusive with them. So he knows this. And this includes kissing for me. Maybe this is too old fashioned?

 

But the other day I was out at the movies on a date and he called me several times around midnight, and at 2 am and was upset the next day that I did not pick up his calls. I did not think this was appropriate. He kept grilling me with questions about who I was with. I told him I was asleep (I lied, shame on me) because I went out with some friends and got home early. He asked which friends, where and told me that he just assumed I was out partying and was having too much fun to pick up the phone (clingyyyyyyy).

 

Today we talked and he asked me if I wanted to do something later tonight.

I told him my girlfriends had asked me if I wanted to go out with them tonight (which is true) and that I had to get up early in the morning (which is also true). What I did not tell him is that I have another movie date with the same person from wednesday.

 

Sometimes I feel multidating is kind of... wrong. But maybe I am just not used to it? Or I do not know how to do it?

 

The guy I went to the movies with knows about my friend. We have been honest with each other that we just go out for fun because he also sees other people. But I sincerely do not know how clingy guy would react to this and from his past behaviour, I do not think it would be good.

 

I am new to this I don't know how to go around this without being dishonest.

[KathyM]

He has no right to know the details of who you are seeing, where you are going, etc. You've made it clear you are dating others, and your relationship with him is not exclusive. Don't tolerate this questioning. And I would suggest you seriously give some thought to letting this guy go. He sounds way too clingy and possessive.

[ditzchic]

I multidate. I like to keep it light and no sex involved when I'm seeing more than one person. Don't feel obliged to give all the details to anyone you are dating that asks but don't lie about it. If someone asks me if I'm seeing other people, I will be honest and say yes but they don't need the details. That's none of their business. They are practical strangers. That's why I'm multi-dating. If they pry or pout about it that is usually when I run. If they ask for exclusivity I will make my decision at that point.

 

Multi-dating isn't a "bad" thing. But lying is. If you can't be honest with the person asking, I suggest you don't date them.

[DonJuanInc]

I had never really dated before so I am new to this. To me, if I am dating "casually" it means going on dates, getting to know the person, not getting physically involved. If i am physically involved with someone I want exclusivity.

 

However, in those initial stages of going on dates, are you honest that you are dating other people?

 

Like if someone calls you today and asks you to go out tonight, but you already have plans with someone, do you tell them?

 

This guy I have been getting to know for a while is a little clingy and he asks a lot of questions about who I am with and where (names, how long I have known them for, etc) . I don't know if I should tell him the truth? I already told him that right now I want to get to know people and that I do date other people but that I do not get physically involved with anyone until I have gotten to know them very well and I am exclusive with them. So he knows this. And this includes kissing for me. Maybe this is too old fashioned?

 

But the other day I was out at the movies on a date and he called me several times around midnight, and at 2 am and was upset the next day that I did not pick up his calls. I did not think this was appropriate. He kept grilling me with questions about who I was with. I told him I was asleep (I lied, shame on me) because I went out with some friends and got home early. He asked which friends, where and told me that he just assumed I was out partying and was having too much fun to pick up the phone (clingyyyyyyy).

 

Today we talked and he asked me if I wanted to do something later tonight.

I told him my girlfriends had asked me if I wanted to go out with them tonight (which is true) and that I had to get up early in the morning (which is also true). What I did not tell him is that I have another movie date with the same person from wednesday.

 

Sometimes I feel multidating is kind of... wrong. But maybe I am just not used to it? Or I do not know how to do it?

 

The guy I went to the movies with knows about my friend. We have been honest with each other that we just go out for fun because he also sees other people. But I sincerely do not know how clingy guy would react to this and from his past behaviour, I do not think it would be good.

 

I am new to this I don't know how to go around this without being dishonest.

 

No black and white definitions here. Only thing I can say is be honest.

 

When I was single I would see multiple people at the same time (including sex) but I would always be up front about it.

 

If I was with a girl and it seemed like things were going to progress (either physically or into another date) it would be something simple like "Hey, just so you know, I am seeing other people right now. If you're not cool with that I understand completely, just want to be straight up with you though"

[blueskyday]

I tend to date just like you. Multi-dating for a few casual dates, then deciding if I want to take it to the next level with one of the guys.

 

The next "level" would mean exclusivity, physical intimacy, etc...and a solo focus on the one guy. No more dates with others.

 

For me, the idea of multi-dating is to go out, have fun and get to know a guy in a low-pressure setting until you decide to pursue a possible relationship or slot him in the friendship spot (if desired by both parties.)

 

The only caveat is that multi-dating is time sensitive. You can't do it forever. People get attached, understandably, and that really is the goal. You (and/or they) will want to focus on each other to the exclusion of others.

 

So it's an idea of selection. Narrowing down the possibilities. You can't progress all possibilities at once.

 

That's where you are now with this guy. He wants to see you exclusively. Do you want to see him exclusively? If not, then talk to him and if necessary, set him free. You don't want to be unfair.

 

If you do want to see only him, then cut the other guys loose.

 

If you want to keep casually dating other guys, then go ahead. Just dont get physical with anyone of them. That's what keeps it casual.

 

For me, I date "casually" for a few dates, before I focus on one guy to continue seeing. It happens naturally. Everyone else falls away. This usually happens by date three. If it doesn't, then I am probably enjoying just going out on dates, which is okay....but, I would be helping to pay for them, too, then..Sometimes, though, there is only one guy I am seeing, but I still go out on a few dates with the same "casual" idea in mind until I know there might be something worth pursuing further with him...or not

 

Dating a guy more than three dates can create expectations, on both sides, whether you are going out with other guys or not. So I keep this in mind. I would talk to a guy around this time. Some are fine continuing on casually. Some aren't. And you need to blance your needs in there, too.

 

As far as your guy goes, sounds like he wants to be exclusive, which is normal. Just figure out what you want, and then talk to him.

 

Your definition of dating is like mine. You just need to communicate to see how others you are seeing define dating...

 

Have fun!

Edited December 30, 2011 by blueskyday

[lululucy]

I'm surprised nobody else besides Kathy seemed to be put off by this guy's behaviour. You are not even exclusive and he is acting like an overly jealous husband.. it will only get worse if you tolerate this behaviour. The second I got more than one phone call in a night, I would draw a boundary ("If I am not seeing you, I don't appreciate constant texts or calls") and if he couldn't live with it, say goodbye. Seriously, these are already scary signs of a controlling relationship and you aren't even in it yet.

 

As for the multi-dating thing, I think as long as you aren't being physical with anyone you're not required to say you're seeing others. I would generally just say "I'm just dating casually right now" and let them infer from that what they will, but if I did really like someone I would absolutely cut it off with any others before I let things progress physically.

[Pizzaman81]

I casually multi-date as well. If asked, I will say that I am getting to know more people.

 

But yes, for me once I get physical like kissing and whatnot, I have already made the decision and will hone in my attention to just that one special girl :bunny:

[curlygirl40]

I'm surprised nobody else besides Kathy seemed to be put off by this guy's behaviour. You are not even exclusive and he is acting like an overly jealous husband.. it will only get worse if you tolerate this behaviour. The second I got more than one phone call in a night, I would draw a boundary ("If I am not seeing you, I don't appreciate constant texts or calls") and if he couldn't live with it, say goodbye. Seriously, these are already scary signs of a controlling relationship and you aren't even in it yet.

 

As for the multi-dating thing, I think as long as you aren't being physical with anyone you're not required to say you're seeing others. I would generally just say "I'm just dating casually right now" and let them infer from that what they will, but if I did really like someone I would absolutely cut it off with any others before I let things progress physically.

 

I was thinking the same thing about this guys behavior. I would worry more about his behavior than if you're doing something wrong. He really doesn't have the right to grill you. It's unattractive to me and would make me run.

[spice4life]

I agree with curlygirl and lululucy that this guy sounds like he is possessive and controlling. Those are huge red flags in my book. You were already honest with him that you were casually dating and if he can't handle it that's on him. Instead of trying to force you to be exclusive wih him, he needs to just be honest and say that is what he wants. Then it's up to you whether or not you want to be. You have choices! Don't let this guy scare you into making a choice that isn't right for you at this time. If this guy can't contain himself now, what's he going to be like down the road? That is the question you need to ask yourself right now.

 

On a side note, the other guy (movie guy) sounds much more balanced and therefore, a much better prospect IMO.

[EasyHeart]

I wouldn't be as harsh as some of the posters in this thread, but it seems to me that the problem is his, not yours. It's normal for guys to want to have some idea about whether and to what extent you're dating other guys. No one wants to get the runaround and spend time chasing you if you're not interested, but no one has a right to interrogate you or make you account for every hour in your day. Obviously, it's making you uncomfortable, and I suggest just telling him, "Hey, I don't think this is going to work out" and cut him loose.

 

I agree with the comment that there's nothing wrong with "multidating" (I hate that term), so long as it doesn't last too long. After a few dates, you should be able to tell whether a person has LT potential or not. At that point, either tell the person you're no longer interested or start focusing on them and stop dating other people.

[dasein]

In the age of OLD, multidating is the presumption, not something that needs to be disclosed. If someone doesn't like multidating and prefers to only date one person at a time, it's on them to make their expectations and preferences known. If things go to 5+ dates or so, and it's obvious someone is making the unwarranted assumption that there is exclusivity, it's polite to disclose, but not even obligatory then, unless they ask you directly, then simply tell the truth.

 

As far as OP's guy, I find his behavior offputting as others do. Making a presumption of exclusivity, when it rises to an expectation of knowing where someone is and with whom at any given time, is a form of privileged attitude, and is rude and inconsiderate. It's on him to -ask- directly if he wants more from OP, not on her to try to read his behavior and accommodate his unrealistic expectations.

[EasyHeart]

I'm not a big fan of making assumptions. One of the things that LS has made clear to me is that a lot of the difficulties and heart ache that come out of dating comes from people thinking there is a set of presumptions that everyone knows and a set of rules that everyone follows.

 

I think it's better for everyone to volunteer their status. If you're multidating, say so; if you're not multidating, say so. Assuming that everyone knows what you're thinking doesn't work too well.

[thatone]

He has no right to know the details of who you are seeing, where you are going, etc. You've made it clear you are dating others, and your relationship with him is not exclusive. Don't tolerate this questioning. And I would suggest you seriously give some thought to letting this guy go. He sounds way too clingy and possessive.

 

and note that when you take the above advice you don't get to have the relationship you want. because no man who might be relationship minded is going to put up with you dating other people. honestly, when the rules are established in such a way as what you're talking about the only men who are gonna stick around are those who are also trying to bed other women at the same time as they're dating you. and the first one who gives him sex will get most of his time thereafter.

 

so what she failed to tell you in the above is that your actions and choices have consequences.

 

choose wisely .

Edited December 30, 2011 by thatone

[ditzchic]

and note that when you take the above advice you don't get to have the relationship you want. because no man who might be relationship minded is going to put up with you dating other people. honestly, when the rules are established in such a way as what you're talking about the only men who are gonna stick around are those who are also trying to bed other women at the same time as they're dating you. and the first one who gives him sex will get most of his time thereafter.

 

so what she failed to tell you in the above is that your actions and choices have consequences.

 

choose wisely .

 

This guy never asked for exclusivity. He is just badgering her right now. If he straight up asks her if she is seeing other people and will she stop, that is a different story. He hasn't. He is making a whole lot of assumptions, becoming slightly obsessive and probably quite the bother.

 

Any relationship-minded man should have the confidence and communication skills to be able to bring this up in a more effective way without the passive agression and insecurities that he is clearly showing. If he can't have a nice normal conversation with her about it, he isn't relationship material anyway so it doesn't matter how "relationship-minded" he is. Any normal self-respecting woman would run from someone who shows that kind of behavior and lack of communication skills right off the bat.

[crosswordfiend]

so what she failed to tell you in the above is that your actions and choices have consequences.

 

The rule is that once you find one that you like, you end things quickly with the others. Provided this is communicated clearly, there shouldn't be any adverse consequences.

[spice4life]

I'm not a big fan of making assumptions. One of the things that LS has made clear to me is that a lot of the difficulties and heart ache that come out of dating comes from people thinking there is a set of presumptions that everyone knows and a set of rules that everyone follows.

 

I think it's better for everyone to volunteer their status. If you're multidating, say so; if you're not multidating, say so. Assuming that everyone knows what you're thinking doesn't work too well.

 

I do agree with what you have said here. Honesty is always the best policy because then it gives one a choice. Assuming without asking and making your desires known is a set up for disaster. The OP should be honest and so should the guy she references in her opening post. If he wants exclusivity he needs to tell her that and if that is not what she wants right now she should say so. She shouldn't be afraid of telling him the truth and likewise, he shouldn't put her in a position to feel that way. He needs to just tell her what he wants instead of acting impulsively on his emotions.

 

Eleanorhurting, at the very least, if this guy is, perhaps, acting this way because you aren't telling him the whole truth for some reason, you need to clear that up right away. If by chance you decide that you do like him and want exclusivity, your relationship is already getting off on the wrong foot. He is being emotionally impulsive and you are afraid to tell him the whole truth...not a good foundation to start a relationship. Don't be afraid to tell him the truth (because he s asking), just be honest. After that, it's up to him whether or not he wants to stay. Make it clear to him - if he chooses to continue seeing you - that you will not tolerate being accused of anything unsavory since he knows the truth. Let him know you will discuss being exclusive if and when things evolve to that stage with him. If he continues to act the way he has been after that, then you should consider cutting him loose. In other words, give him all the info and see how he handles it and go from there.

 

It's not like you are out sleeping around, you are simply exploring your options and there is nothing wrong with that at all. As a matter of fact, you are handling dating in a very healthy way. You are not being old fashioned, you are honoring who you are.

Edited December 30, 2011 by spice4life

[spice4life]

The rule is that once you find one that you like, you end things quickly with the others. Provided this is communicated clearly, there shouldn't be any adverse consequences.

 

I totally agree. Excellent point!

 

I know plenty of people who have multi-dated and ended up in very healthy relationships when they found the one they liked. They communicated clearly from the start and didn't have any adverse reactions. Once they realized they were interested in one particular person, letting go of the others happened naturally on both sides. That's the way it should be provided everyone is "the know" and on the same page.

 

I have also learned through experience that honesty from the start is the best policy.

[eleanorhurting]

The guy from the movies is strictly casual. We enjoy each others company. But he is seriously messed up from this weird on and off thing he has with an old girlfriend. i take it as going to the movies with someone i am attracted to.

i learned never to get attached if an ex is in the picture. clingy guy is actually very sweet. i was not super attracted to him at first but his sweetness and attentiveness have grown on me. this is the first time something this severe has happened.

[eleanorhurting]

im going to be honest with him and see how he responds. i am not sure if i am ready for a serious relationship but if he wants exclusivity then i will consider it and if i dont want it then i will let him go.

[spice4life]

im going to be honest with him and see how he responds. i am not sure if i am ready for a serious relationship but if he wants exclusivity then i will consider it and if i dont want it then i will let him go.

 

Good for you! When in doubt, communicate communicate communicate! Hey, who knows what will happen after that right? If you can clear things up by talking and it brings you to a better understanding of one another, it means you can work through issues and resolve them. That's a good thing in my book!

 

Good luck and Happy New Year.

[thatone]

This guy never asked for exclusivity. He is just badgering her right now. If he straight up asks her if she is seeing other people and will she stop, that is a different story. He hasn't. He is making a whole lot of assumptions, becoming slightly obsessive and probably quite the bother.

 

Any relationship-minded man should have the confidence and communication skills to be able to bring this up in a more effective way without the passive agression and insecurities that he is clearly showing. If he can't have a nice normal conversation with her about it, he isn't relationship material anyway so it doesn't matter how "relationship-minded" he is. Any normal self-respecting woman would run from someone who shows that kind of behavior and lack of communication skills right off the bat.

 

the OP herself said that multi dating seems 'wrong'. that's because it is. if you have to lie to people to avoid them getting upset, you're doing something wrong.

 

is it really terrible to limit dating to one person at a time and if that person doesn't work out spend a weekend alone until the next one rolls around? i mean, none of us are gonna be dead tomorrow, we all have time...

[You'reasian]

She shouldn't be afraid of telling him the truth and likewise, he shouldn't put her in a position to feel that way. He needs to just tell her what he wants instead of acting impulsively on his emotions.

 

Eleanorhurting, at the very least, if this guy is, perhaps, acting this way because you aren't telling him the whole truth for some reason, you need to clear that up right away. If by chance you decide that you do like him and want exclusivity, your relationship is already getting off on the wrong foot.

It's not like you are out sleeping around, you are simply exploring your options and there is nothing wrong with that at all. As a matter of fact, you are handling dating in a very healthy way. You are not being old fashioned, you are honoring who you are.

 

Spot on. That being said, the best relationships (casual, committed - whichever) usually involve a good deal of open, honest communication allowing each person to know where they stand and go from there.

[FitChick]

I assume someone is dating others if we have not had the exclusivity talk. I date others until that time. Until I have physically met someone, I will still choose or not choose to keep my online dating profile active, especially if I've paid months in advance. It's just common sense.