Author arbrne_vet Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 i guess i got my hopes up when she contacted me, and fell back a few steps. BTW, i did get my ring back. she gave it to me a few weeks ago. i am not sure she really thought i would take it back, but i did. then a couple days later, she made a big deal, that was i happy that i got my ring back. i tried to explain that now there was no material thing between us, or holding us together, and whatever we have is pure. yes..... i am hurting, big time, again. we are supposed to meet tomorrow evening. she is going to an elderly relatives, then she is going to call me when she gets home. mac, yes u are correct. but when she called, i guess i jumped way too fast. going NC. if she does not call tomorrow, then i guess i will find somewhere to celebrate!! We also are supposed to meet this evening, to talk, and i will wait for that call also. i will openly admit my faults, but she tells me she does nothing wrong, and everything is my fault. she somehow can convince me of this.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) Airborne vet, you are ahead of the game man, I salute you for your post on being honest with yourself. You are way ahead of most of the people here with that post. I thought you were just naive and being dumb with your posts but you put my foot in my mouth. You have several choices that you can chose from. All of them begin with NC, nothing else matters, your ex isnt playing games with you, shes confused, if she contacts you, keep NC locked down until your ready. Heres the power of it, if you are never ready, you never have to break NC. Win/Win Situation. Once you determine what you want with space, then you move forward from there. Its your choice, there is no right or wrong answer, if your heart says you want your ex back then thats correct, if it doesnt then thats correct. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise, its not their place to tell you what you want. IF you want a reconciliation, you have to be superman though where nothing phases you. Absolutely nothing, you have to learn to let go of everything that bothers you about her. Imagine her as a kid and she does something that annoys you, you have to be able to smile and say awww youre silly. I promise you she will let go of the past so you have to as well. IF you dont, your toast. Another example, if my criticisms of you bother you, you are not ready, you have to be cool as ice Baxton, quit being naive, smokey is a GIGS dumper, she sees something 97% people on this forum dont see and she called me out on it. Airborne vet, let her blame you for everything, just say ok you were right, I understand. Is it really going to bother you being wrong? Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 i saw it, you can guide... i need space in my head right now No, i dont advise, ive guided you. advising will give you head space.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 i saw it, you can guide... i need space in my head right now no, i dont advise, ive guided you. Advising will give you head space
2sunny Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 She's a taker and a cake eater. How can you be sure she isn't still seeing her co worker? I'd bet money she is - probably others too. Stop blaming yourself - except to understand what not to do in the future. She will take, take, take as much as you give. That's not love. Let her know that you decided to let her grub off of someone else now.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 wilson, i understand what you are saying. here is the "no win" situation i am in. if i go NC, then she will get pissed because i am not calling her. i just got done talking to her, and she made if very clear to me that we are NOT in a relationship, that we are trying to mend something into a relationship. i feel no matter what i do, she will find fault and pick at me for it. i just spent $80.00 putting a couple old tires on her car. i got no thank you. i got her two Christmas gifts. i got NOTHING from her, not even a card. if she needed something in her house or car fixed, and i told her no, because we are not married, not engaged, and not in a relationship, she would come unglued! she wants her freaking cake and eat it to. i call her at 8:00 at night... to give her evening space, yet yesterday, she wanted to know why i waited until 8:00 to call her. So what do i do??? tell me. Let nature take its course
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 is there such a thing as limited NC??? it is as if this is some freaking power game that she is playing. she knows how much i love her, and how much i want to make this work, and i feel she is using this all against me to play some ego power trip game. Bingo, its the Gigs game, After a year you have no understanding of gigs, hence why wilson says you wont win this battle, hence why i say let nature run its course. The only outcome from this will be that you will win the ego battle and she'll break but your not capable of doing it knowingly so nature will run its course, she will confuse and hurt you so much until you break in which turns the table "he cares the least has the power" by which point she will 180 and snap out of it but you'll be past caring by then and it probably wont work cause you've had another 5,6 months of torture
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Smokey, Everyone here has already told you what to do. NC. Whats the worst that could happen...you get better. But right now your hurting and the only thing you think would make you feel better is her. Try NC...strict NC for two day and see if you feel better, and be honest with yourself. I think you will, I did and then I went back and forth a while before I realized the only thing that made me feel better was NC. You know what you need to do inside your just not strong enough right now to do it because your so hurt. Do you think you are the only person that had trouble going NC. Your not I think most of us do for all the same reasons you are having trouble. But everyone also says it was the best thing ever. So start NC to make her jealous, make her come back, it might work, but inevitably you will realize that your are continuing it to heal yourself. Try it out take a little control back. I bet you will feel better and continue on. I'm by no means and expert or healed or whatever. I'm in the same boat as you. Baxton, are you confusing me with the OP?
Mack05 Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Bingo, its the Gigs game, After a year you have no understanding of gigs, hence why wilson says you wont win this battle, hence why i say let nature run its course. The only outcome from this will be that you will win the ego battle and she'll break but your not capable of doing it knowingly so nature will run its course, she will confuse and hurt you so much until you break in which turns the table "he cares the least has the power" by which point she will 180 and snap out of it but you'll be past caring by then and it probably wont work cause you've had another 5,6 months of torture Forget about GIGS. GIGS is just some term some no it all came up to describe someone who leaves a relationship (normally between the 20-25 year group) for no apparent valid reason..The reason is obviousmany people don't want to settle down at an early age. They want to enjoy their youth. Forget about GIGS. I can guarentee Smokey hasn't bothetred his/her ass reading through your other threads. You want a solution Arberne Vet? Read every thread you ever posted on this site and determine if this is the kind of women you want to spend the rest of your life with...
2sunny Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Since you have evidence that she hurts you and you allow it - why would you go back for more of the same? I'd like to know...?
Mack05 Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) Since you have evidence that she hurts you and you allow it - why would you go back for more of the same? I'd like to know...? Me too..You can tell her she is right (or look for her to take accountability) till you are blue in the face. She will just use that to walk all over you. I am basing this on previous posts that u have written. If she wants you back she will move heaven and earth to get you back. She will accept some responsibility for the relationship break up and will happily stay in the boundaries you have set until you are ready to talk. I can guarentee you 99% that she will do none of the above. Why? Because she is a very selfish person and until that changes, then I can't see how a relationship can work. People that are me me me in a relationship will eventually suck all the good out of you. You go NC. If she comes back, explain you are hurt and need time (plenty of it) to work things through. Do you think she will wait? Not a chance. You need to understand she will always probably end up hurting you. I believe there are maybe 1% of dumpers evil people. I don't believe she is one of the 1%. I think she has some sort of personality disorder but without having met her I can't be sure. The problem here is compatability. Its very obvious to me you are not right for another.. Now Wilson will have you believe if you both show love and empathy all the time, then things will work out dandy. Yeah that's in the movies..You have to have SOOO many more ingredients to make a relationship a success. The problem here Arberne is that you are addicted to this woman.. Please buy the book How to break your addiction to a person. There is some really useful helpful things in there. There are all kinds of battles going on inside of you. Heart vs head. Addictive logic or normal logic. I was addcited to a person Arberne. I posted this about it... "It's like a drug addict looking for a hit. To take him/her out of this sad, lonely, isolated place and change his mood. Of course when the drug wears off he/she is in a worse place then they started. With my ex, I knew deep down she wasn't the right girl for me. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seemed to make any lasting difference with her. It's was like pouring the best of myself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. Yet even now, 7 weeks after NC I am still addicted to her, hoping she will contact me saying she has finally seen the light. The urge is there EVERYDAY to break no contact. One day I forgive her and I have peace and acceptance, the next day I am angry and think she is a coward for not meeting me face to face and dumping me over the phone. Having said that, I have made HUGE strides in my recovery from my addiction to her. Much of an addicts mental obsession results from denial or refusing to recognize the loss of control that is happening on an emotional level. Avoiding the reality of a situation. In addiction there is almost constant internal conflict between the Self (you acting normally, in control) and the Addict. In this struggle (especially immediately after a breakup) the addict invariably wins. This is what is meant by 'loss of control'. This whole process drains our energy. It causes us not to eat or sleep. To text/email/call continually. When our desperation pleas have not been answered, this can lead to feeling shame, a loss of self respect, self esteem, self confidence, self discipline, self determination, self control, self importance, self love. I know at the end of my relationship "I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse self" Any addictive relationship begins when a person repeatedly seeks the illusion of relief to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations (i.e break ups). This is nurturing through avoidance - an unnatural way of taking care of one's emotional needs. We have an emotional craving and in our minds there is only one person that can satisfy that. Just like in the mind of an alcoholic that a drink can satisfy their needs. There are 2 forms of logic being used here 1) Normal logic and 2) Addictive logic. Normal logic is your friends and family begging you to leave your ex go. That it's for your own good and her good. They are of course right. But we are going through addictive logic, where we say to ourselves my ex HAS to hear this (they don't) or a food addict saying I will eat this pizza and start my diet tomorrow" I wrote today about obsessive/reactionary behaviour...I hope there is something in this that can help. Melody Beattie wrote this about obsession in her book Co-Dependency no more..This is from page 59.. “Obsession with another human being or a problem is an awful thing to be caught up in. That person can talk about nothing else, can think about nothing else. Even if she appears to be listening when you talk, you know that person doesn’t hear you. Her mind is tossing and turning, crashing and banging, around and around on an endless race-track of compulsive thought. She is preoccupied. She relates whatever you say, no matter how unrelated it actually is, to the object of her obsession. She says the same things, over and over, sometimes changing the wording slightly, sometimes using the same words. Nothing you say makes a difference. Even telling her to stop doesn’t help. She probably would if she could. The problem is she can’t (at the moment). She is bursting with the jarring energy that obsession is made of. she has a problem or a concern that is not only bothering her, it is controlling her. Her entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves. Worrying about, reacting to, and trying to control other human beings. She was a shell, sometimes almost invisible shell of herself. Her energy is depleted, directed at someone else. She couldn’t tell me what she was feeling and thinking because she didn’t know. Her focus was not on herself. When you’re obsessed you can’t get your mind off that person or that problem. You didn’t know what were thinking. You’re not even sure what you should do, but by God you should do something and fast.” “I am a reactionary. I reacted to other people’s feelings, behaviours, problems and thoughts. My strong point seemed to be reacting in a crisis; I thought almost everything was a crisis. I overreacted.. Hidden Panic (which bordered on hysteria) brewed in me much of the time. I sometimes under reacted. If the problem I faced was significant, I often used the tool of denial. I reacted to almost everything that came into my awareness and environment. My entire life had been a reaction to other people’s lives, desires, problems, faults, successes, and personalities. Even my low self-worth, which I dragged around like a bag of stinking garbage, had been a reaction. I was like a puppet with strings hanging out, inviting and allowing anyone or anything to yank them. It is normal to react and respond to our environment. Reacting is a part of life. It’s part of interacting, and its part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things – anything – have the power to throw us off track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests. We may have started reacting and responding urgently and compulsively in patters that hurt us. Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state-adrenaline flowing and muscles tensed, ready to react to emergencies that usually aren’t emergencies. Someone does something, so we must do something back. Someone says something so we must say something back. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT. We think the first thought that comes into our heads and then elaborate on it. We say the first words on our tongues and sometimes regret them. We do the first thing that comes to mind without thinking about it. That is the problem we are reacting without thinking – without honest thought about what we need to do, and how to handle the situation. Our emotions and behaviours are being controlled – triggered by everyone and everything in our environment. That means we have lost control” The problem is you mate. You have become obsessive and reactionary. There is NO trust there so therefore you won't let her breath. By being on her case you are just reaffirming to her, that she was right to have doubts (no matter how harsh that is). Until you stand up for yourself and not allow this woman to hurt you anymore, then you will continue to be walked on. Who knows how long it may take her to fully emotionally healthy, some people never get there. In the meantime you are happy to be her emotional punchbag, but what about you Arberne?. I have read through all your threads tonight. You haven't made one iota of progress since July, despite preaching otherwise. Do you want to be here in July 2012 talking the same bulls ! t?. Wilson was impressed with your self awareness, I wasn't. Why? I have heard to same song sang from the same hymn sheet many times before..Threads about new starts, letting go, saying all the right things but not following through. Jumping for this woman that has hurt you so much when she says how how high. I know what it is like to lose a woman I love. I could have told her she is right everyday of my life, walked on a million eggshells, but eventually I would have been miserable (no matter how emotionally healthy I was). Some people are too selfish to be part of a great relationship. She needs to change in order for you guys to have any chance. It's hard to make real, permanent and lasting change. Arberne no man worth his salt would continue to go back to this. The problem is you... Edited December 30, 2011 by Mack05
Author arbrne_vet Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 your right mac. i feel as if my soul has been sucked from me... again. we are supposed to meet tomorrow evening. i don't believe this meeting she wants is for US, it is for her, so she knows she still has control..... i have an army bud who wants me to go up to michigan to see him... to unwind. part of me does not want to, part of me does. i wonder what happens if i miss out tomorrow. what will she do??? but alas, the truth is, if she wants this, she will move heaven and earth. she is not doing that, she never will. even when she contacted me 6 weeks ago, there was no sense of urgency, and after we had "great sex", it came back to all being my fault again..... truth is what i need. truth never lies....
Mack05 Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 I mean what kind of girl would say I like 90% of you, can you please fix the other 10! I'm sure there are things about you that she doesn't like, but she seems like the kind of woman that nothing you do will ever be enough for her. How much more are you willing to put up with. No healthy relationship should work like yours. The bottom line is that neither of you are filling the others emotional gaps and get angry at the other for not understanding. Classic case of uncompatability...So many couples go back for more out of love and promise to both make changes...Oil is oil, water is water. You can add different colours to them but they remain the same. Some things will never match up, no matter how hard you try force them together.. U need to focus on your issues and not hers..
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