She did it to me... again!!

[arbrne_vet]

After 2 months of nc, and her dating a co-worker, she contacts me and wants to talk. so.... about 6 weeks ago, we meet. don't do much talking when we meet, but then she starts in on how everything is my fault. so... i admit my mistakes, tell her i will change.

 

does she put any effort into this... NO!!! again... i am doing everything. i call, i text. she never initiates a call, she never initiates a text. she has gone out with her friends 2 times since then, and co-workers 2 times. one time she went out with co-workers, she never told me.

 

so, i try to call her last night. i call 5 times in one hour, and no answer. this is from 8-9pm. at 9:30, she shows up at my house. i open the door, see she has nice clothes on, and i say "you've been out again, haven't you"

 

all hell broke loose. she was out at some dinner with co-workers. i told her all i asked was some courtesy to me, and let me know i would not be able to get ahold of her. she never even sent me a text or anything.

 

she said that, we are not married, not engaged, and she is not sure what we are, and she does not owe me anything. then told me that all i wanted was to control her, and make her tell me everywhere she went.

 

i explained i did not care where she was, just wanted some consideration on my part that i would not be able to get ahold of her.

 

she said she wanted to surprise me by showing up at my house. her daugther was ah ter friends house, and she was going to stay, but not if i was going to be like this!!! hell, all i was asking for was a courtesy call or text, and that was it. i pleaded with her to stay, so we could work on this, and she left.

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why in the hell does she contact me, but won't put any effort into this relationship, and pull this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i don't even know what the F to do anymore!!!!!!

[69ways]

After 2 months of nc, and her dating a co-worker, she contacts me and wants to talk. so.... about 6 weeks ago, we meet. don't do much talking when we meet, but then she starts in on how everything is my fault. so... i admit my mistakes, tell her i will change.

 

does she put any effort into this... NO!!! again... i am doing everything. i call, i text. she never initiates a call, she never initiates a text. she has gone out with her friends 2 times since then, and co-workers 2 times. one time she went out with co-workers, she never told me.

 

so, i try to call her last night. i call 5 times in one hour, and no answer. this is from 8-9pm. at 9:30, she shows up at my house. i open the door, see she has nice clothes on, and i say "you've been out again, haven't you"

 

all hell broke loose. she was out at some dinner with co-workers. i told her all i asked was some courtesy to me, and let me know i would not be able to get ahold of her. she never even sent me a text or anything.

 

she said that, we are not married, not engaged, and she is not sure what we are, and she does not owe me anything. then told me that all i wanted was to control her, and make her tell me everywhere she went.

 

i explained i did not care where she was, just wanted some consideration on my part that i would not be able to get ahold of her.

 

she said she wanted to surprise me by showing up at my house. her daugther was ah ter friends house, and she was going to stay, but not if i was going to be like this!!! hell, all i was asking for was a courtesy call or text, and that was it. i pleaded with her to stay, so we could work on this, and she left.

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why in the hell does she contact me, but won't put any effort into this relationship, and pull this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i don't even know what the F to do anymore!!!!!!

A nice example not to give in to early and let them suffer b4 we give in.....

[ken_25]

While she shouldn't try to pour blame on you for why you broke up, she is right.. you are not married, engaged or a couple. If you call her and she doesn't answer, why call four more times within an hour? That's not behavior you should be showing her. You have to step back in my opinion. Stop initiating everything. If you call her Monday afternoon and speak with her, then shoot her a text at night, don't follow up with calls and texts the next day. Let her initiate contact, give her the opportunity to reach out. If she doesn't, don't chase... she probably isn't worth all the trouble. Start playing it cool, or from what I'm reading you're going to lose her all together.

[lilyblue]

It doesn't sound like you're dating, but it does sound like you think she should be available to you at all times? It sounds like you are being rather controlling.

[smokey bear]

Sounds like its been a tough year, read up on gigs, Wilson and Gibson would be good ones to seek advic from on an understanding on this, not advising you what to do, just understanding.

[arbrne_vet]

i don't know what's going on. we were engaged once. i don't see how wanting a little courtesy to let me know she is out is controlling. i am trying to keep an open mind on this. she tells me that she loves 90% of me, and that part is awesome, she said it's the other 10% she does not like.

 

i am trying so hard to not do the 10%, and that i don't even know because she won't tell me. she contacts me, yet does not come out and say she wants this to work. she acts like we are a "couple" when it is convient for her. she does not want me to stay with her when her daughter is around (she is 16).

 

this past year i feel as if i am only a securty blanket to her. then, i go no contact, and she contacts me, and i hope something will work out, and yet, i still feel as if i am a securty blanket.

 

when someone says "we are not married, we are not engaged, we are not in a relationship, i don't owe you antying, i don't have to tell you what i am doing"

 

yet...... i am supposed to be there for her when she wants me????

[M2155]

Yeah sounds like moving waaay too fast. You have expectations that she should let you know she is not available. She doesn't have those expectations. You aren't official (?). If you can't get a hold of them, let them go.

 

You're pulling your hair out frustrated because of your expectation. She's fine with it and wondering why you are being fussy about it. If you're developing a relationship, you reach out and then you let them reciprocate. Please don't over-contact, on the receiving end I can say that makes you look very bad.

 

90%?? She's not yours right now. Sounds like she doesn't think you'll walk either though. I think you need to talk about expectations. Which you really shouldn't expect anything if you're not "official." Don't let her act like a "couple" with you if she's not ready to work on it.

Edited December 30, 2011 by M2155

[immitable]

i don't know what's going on. we were engaged once. i don't see how wanting a little courtesy to let me know she is out is controlling. i am trying to keep an open mind on this. she tells me that she loves 90% of me, and that part is awesome, she said it's the other 10% she does not like.

 

i am trying so hard to not do the 10%, and that i don't even know because she won't tell me. she contacts me, yet does not come out and say she wants this to work. she acts like we are a "couple" when it is convient for her. she does not want me to stay with her when her daughter is around (she is 16).

 

this past year i feel as if i am only a securty blanket to her. then, i go no contact, and she contacts me, and i hope something will work out, and yet, i still feel as if i am a securty blanket.

 

when someone says "we are not married, we are not engaged, we are not in a relationship, i don't owe you antying, i don't have to tell you what i am doing"

 

yet...... i am supposed to be there for her when she wants me????

 

I think that she is trying to tell you something, in her own way. She is trying to tell you not to act needy, that is why hell broke loose.

[ken_25]

i don't know what's going on. we were engaged once. i don't see how wanting a little courtesy to let me know she is out is controlling. i am trying to keep an open mind on this. she tells me that she loves 90% of me, and that part is awesome, she said it's the other 10% she does not like.

 

i am trying so hard to not do the 10%, and that i don't even know because she won't tell me. she contacts me, yet does not come out and say she wants this to work. she acts like we are a "couple" when it is convient for her. she does not want me to stay with her when her daughter is around (she is 16).

 

this past year i feel as if i am only a securty blanket to her. then, i go no contact, and she contacts me, and i hope something will work out, and yet, i still feel as if i am a securty blanket.

 

when someone says "we are not married, we are not engaged, we are not in a relationship, i don't owe you antying, i don't have to tell you what i am doing"

 

yet...... i am supposed to be there for her when she wants me????

 

You need to stop being so aggressive. You are quick to jump to she needs to treat you like you're in a relationship. You are not in one, if you call her and she doesn't answer there is NO reason to keep calling. Well unless there is a serious emergency. She came to your place an hour and a half after your first call, I think she did absolutely nothing wrong. You're blowing that out of proportion. I just don't think you trust her.

 

If your gut is pulling you towards you're being used, then you are probably right and need to stay away from her. She isn't ready, she shows that by not wanting to work on things with you yet. She contacts you when you don't, so I feel if you go NC it will be the quickest way for her to eventually come around and realize what she wants. Because sometimes you don't really know what you have until it's gone.

 

So what's the 10% she doesn't like?

[shayla]

I don't know the background of your break up so forgive me if I am making assumptions.

 

I think that expecting a grown woman to check in with you before she does anything is asking too much. Everyone has a right to have a life, and if she wants to go out to dinner, hang out with friends, whatever, she should not have to get your approval before doing it....that may not be your intention, but that is what it's looking like.

 

If you call her and she doesn't answer, leave a message and let it go. When she calls you back, she will tell you where she has been. If she does not, then I'd wonder, but to call her that many times, then to get hit with "you've gone out again?" That sounds like daddy scolding a child for missing curfew, and that is not cool.

 

If you do not trust her, this is something you will both have to work out and decide if you can handle developing a new relationship with her.

 

Good luck.

[arbrne_vet]

i have asked her several times what she wants, and her answer is always the same. "i don't know" i have been hearing this for over a year. i feel that no matter what i do, she finds fault. she got upset with me because i was at the mall with my son, and did not tell her. she was at her grandma's house for the day.

 

i ask her what she wants she tells me "i don't know". then i say leave me alone until you do know what you want, then she gets mad because she says i am running. it's as if she wants me there when she wants me, but anything else, forget it.

 

as far as the phone call, i call her every night around 8. then she calls before she goes to bed. been that way for the past two weeks.

 

the past two weeks i have felt this has been a relationship, or starting one.

 

we have been together for over 4 years. this is not a new relationship.

 

if i acted like she does, if i did what i wanted, and not gave a crap about how she felt, she would come unglued. if i went out and did not tell her, **** would hit the fan!!! big time!!!! yet..... she can do this, and i am supposed to be ok with this.

[arbrne_vet]

we are supposed to meet later today and talk. i have no freaking idea what to say anymore. i know when i ask her what she wants, her answer is going to be "i don't know"

 

what the hell is someone supposed to do with that. i have been hearing that for over a year. i am sooooo tired of "i don't know"

 

i have done so much for her. i have fixed so many things on her house.

 

maybe that is all i am to her is a "maintenance man"

 

what am i supposed to respond to "i don't know"

just let her go until she does know???? walk away, stay in misery for another year until she "decides" what she wants?

[wilsonx]

you have no concept of how wrong you are airborne vet.

 

I normally say to most people that a relationship ending is 50/50 but since your relationship with her is over, you are 100% absolutely wrong and you are so blinded by black and white thinking, you dont see it. Shes told you to your face and you still dont see it

 

I can tell you why your relationship ended in the first place

Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx

[smokey bear]

we are supposed to meet later today and talk. i have no freaking idea what to say anymore. i know when i ask her what she wants, her answer is going to be "i don't know"

 

what the hell is someone supposed to do with that. i have been hearing that for over a year. i am sooooo tired of "i don't know"

 

i have done so much for her. i have fixed so many things on her house.

 

maybe that is all i am to her is a "maintenance man"

 

what am i supposed to respond to "i don't know"

just let her go until she does know???? walk away, stay in misery for another year until she "decides" what she wants?

 

 

You have to let her bounce back and forth without it affecting you, but carry on as you are because this is normal, once you give up and have had enough, she will com back to earth, let it run its cours or stand by her without putting any pressure on her at all.

 

There isnt a thread here that tells you what to do when you get a ex back stage 3 gigs but there should be, its just i suppose we are all exhausted with the breakup that we dont even want to consider the recon.

 

Ive been through this, i can advice but i think nature is best taking it course here. You said something very important earlier.

[smokey bear]

you have no concept of how wrong you are airborne vet.

 

I normally say to most people that a relationship ending is 50/50 but since your relationship with her is over, you are 100% absolutely wrong and you are so blinded by black and white thinking, you dont see it. Shes told you to your face and you still dont see it

 

I can tell you why your relationship ended in the first place

 

Wilson stop sticking a label on everything, advise, with your knowledge without trying to claim some attribution to your status.

 

Advise the guy, tell him what to expect but without putting an explantion behind it.

[smokey bear]

i don't know what's going on. we were engaged once. i don't see how wanting a little courtesy to let me know she is out is controlling. i am trying to keep an open mind on this. she tells me that she loves 90% of me, and that part is awesome, she said it's the other 10% she does not like.

 

i am trying so hard to not do the 10%, and that i don't even know because she won't tell me. she contacts me, yet does not come out and say she wants this to work. she acts like we are a "couple" when it is convient for her. she does not want me to stay with her when her daughter is around (she is 16).

 

this past year i feel as if i am only a securty blanket to her. then, i go no contact, and she contacts me, and i hope something will work out, and yet, i still feel as if i am a securty blanket.

 

when someone says "we are not married, we are not engaged, we are not in a relationship, i don't owe you antying, i don't have to tell you what i am doing"

 

yet...... i am supposed to be there for her when she wants me????

 

 

Wilson see this post, the percentage of love thing, this is very important, its the formation of unconditional love, a true sign of the end. Take heed of this.

[wilsonx]

i saw it, you can guide...

 

i need space in my head right now

Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

Ok few points,

 

Number 1 you are not suppose to be there for her, you are not in a relationship with her, kick her to the curb for the time being. If shes relying on you this much, she will come back when shes ready. YOU NEED SPACE THOUGH FROM HER FOR YOURSELF. Go NC

 

Number 2 you have to work on your communication skills. They are off. When I say you are the problem, this is what I mean, you aren't listening to her. You need to learn to build emotional security to her through intamacy only when she comes back.

 

Number 3

 

You can not handle a reconciliation with her now. She responds to you and is friendly with you because she cares but thats it and you need to understand this. If you dont understand this, you are going to fail again.

[2sunny]

No need to beg her to be with you when she intends to treat you with such perfect disrespect.

 

She's got you as her doormat... Don't be THAT guy.

 

When love is right for YOU - there won't be this need to control or beg her for answers.

 

I don't know - means "you aren't my first choice right now" - she's willing to be with you because she's afraid to be alone - hence her bouncing between at least you two guys.

 

Back away... This isn't healthy- you could benefit from counseling to find out why you think it's your choice.

[arbrne_vet]

wilson, i understand what you are saying.

 

here is the "no win" situation i am in.

 

if i go NC, then she will get pissed because i am not calling her. i just got done talking to her, and she made if very clear to me that we are NOT in a relationship, that we are trying to mend something into a relationship.

 

i feel no matter what i do, she will find fault and pick at me for it. i just spent $80.00 putting a couple old tires on her car. i got no thank you. i got her two Christmas gifts. i got NOTHING from her, not even a card.

 

 

if she needed something in her house or car fixed, and i told her no, because we are not married, not engaged, and not in a relationship, she would come unglued!

 

she wants her freaking cake and eat it to.

 

i call her at 8:00 at night... to give her evening space, yet yesterday, she wanted to know why i waited until 8:00 to call her.

 

So what do i do??? tell me.

[Baxton]

Smokey,

 

I am not wilsonx's #1 fan either, today. But why is that? Biggest reason he isn't coddling us. He tells it like he sees it. He might be right, he might be wrong but that is his advice. When I read his responses to my posts I think what an idiot this guys doesn't know what he is talking about. But all of Wilsons responses to other posts I agree with mostly. So could it be that he is just wrong in my situation and right in everyone elses. Probably not?

 

I think our situations are similar. I started to get reeled back in by a woman who was with someone else. She would talk to me everyday. Sometimes more than others. The good days felt great (while we talked) the bad days were horrible. It is like a drug, I told this to someone else, I felt like the breadcrumbs were my drug, as soon as they were gone I would start to withdrawl. Whatever she is thinking you will never know. She even said to me that she just wanted to be able to get in touch when she need something and vice versa. Maybe easy for her. But staying in touch in my case, and probably yours did nothing but hurt me. I always felt better on the days I didn't talk to her and once I realized this I went NC for myself.

 

One question I had to ask myself was is there anything left between us. Like you said she said it was over but still wants communication. And you are thinking, just like i did and still do sometimes, that communication is here being confused, her wanting to come out and say I love you again. Let me ask you, when you were together before the break up was it hard to tell if she loved you or not. For me it wasn't, now it is. So there is nothing there for you right now. If she decides she loves me it will feel good, it will not cause pain.

 

And like yourself I have things I need to work on before I can even think of getting back with her. Of course I want her to run back to me and everything will be fine tomorrow but deep inside I know it wouldn't work out that way. I need to understand myself and understand my ex before I can attempt to get back together. Truth is how many more chances might we get, if you get only one do you really want to screw that one up. So give her time to cool off. I am not entirley sure what it is I need to change yet but I have a list going. I think from my point of view you should try to let her go a bit. It sounds like maybe she did second guess the break up an consider coming back. Then when you talked you were so intense that she remembered why she had to get out in the first place. People need space even within a relationship. ( I think that is part of what wilson means by listening to her) Maybe she was testing you and you came on strong and needy, wanting to know where she was and why she didn't call. You failed so she backed away. I plan to be happy and in a good place before I take my test. Maybe with her maybe with someone else.

 

Until you have calmed down enough and feel comfortable with yourself, her and the relationship you will not be able to give her this space or stop yourself from that feeling that you have to know what she is doing at every minute and when you don't you confront her and scare her away. I know I have been there in other relationships. It isn't easy, it feels natural and like that is just normal at the time. But it isn't, you have to get to a good place let the bad stuff go before you can trust her again.

 

Some days are good for me, some days are bad. But I am starting to see that I make me happy. I think what really gave me a reality check, besides wilsonx, was that I finally branched out and started to read all the different threads on this site. Not just the ones that I wanted to read because they made me feel better. Heck I spent so long in the second chances forum that I was sure she would be back before new years. But thats not reality, I was just fooling myself. Read everything. See that people end up happy with and without there ex.

[arbrne_vet]

is there such a thing as limited NC???

 

it is as if this is some freaking power game that she is playing.

 

she knows how much i love her, and how much i want to make this work, and i feel she is using this all against me to play some ego power trip game.

[2sunny]

wilson, i understand what you are saying.

 

here is the "no win" situation i am in.

 

if i go NC, then she will get pissed because i am not calling her. i just got done talking to her, and she made if very clear to me that we are NOT in a relationship, that we are trying to mend something into a relationship.

 

i feel no matter what i do, she will find fault and pick at me for it. i just spent $80.00 putting a couple old tires on her car. i got no thank you. i got her two Christmas gifts. i got NOTHING from her, not even a card.

 

 

if she needed something in her house or car fixed, and i told her no, because we are not married, not engaged, and not in a relationship, she would come unglued!

 

she wants her freaking cake and eat it to.

 

i call her at 8:00 at night... to give her evening space, yet yesterday, she wanted to know why i waited until 8:00 to call her.

 

So what do i do??? tell me.

 

Dump her!

 

She does it because you ALLOW it!

 

Stop allowing it. She's a user and a taker! Let her find someone else to use!!!

[Mack05]

Arberne vet, I replied to many of your threads before and I could see this coming. You should re label the thread "I didnt this to myself again". I belief your ex has a personality disorder (wthout having met her it's hard to know). Maybe its Gigs, twigs, figs or a combination of them all. The problem is no longer her. The problem here is 110% your fault. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..You have been hurt over and over by this woman. What did you think was going to happen by going back?

 

I haven't read the other replies but I hope they are helpful too you. I can't help you anymore because you refuse to help yourself. The problem is no longer her. It's you..

Go back and read over your other threads..You got some awesome advice (especially from geegirl). It's advice you choose to ignore. The question I have for you is when are you going to start helping yourself? Your all talk Arberne Vet, no action..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307027/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300276/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291585/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292650/

 

I could post many more of your threads. You are all over the place and putting all the blame on her. What she has or doesn't have, did or didn't too is no longer the problem..You are...

[Baxton]

Smokey,

 

Everyone here has already told you what to do. NC. Whats the worst that could happen...you get better. But right now your hurting and the only thing you think would make you feel better is her. Try NC...strict NC for two day and see if you feel better, and be honest with yourself. I think you will, I did and then I went back and forth a while before I realized the only thing that made me feel better was NC. You know what you need to do inside your just not strong enough right now to do it because your so hurt. Do you think you are the only person that had trouble going NC. Your not I think most of us do for all the same reasons you are having trouble. But everyone also says it was the best thing ever. So start NC to make her jealous, make her come back, it might work, but inevitably you will realize that your are continuing it to heal yourself.

 

Try it out take a little control back. I bet you will feel better and continue on. I'm by no means and expert or healed or whatever. I'm in the same boat as you.