<< A friend who always flakes unless it's a mutual event. Talkative via online

[Beachead]

This post is about a friend I've known for about 4 years. We have mutual friends whom we all hang out with as a group and we also talk outside of these times mainly online via IM and facebook and text. I'm 25, she's 22. A few months ago, she moved to Europe to study but she still maintained good contact with me via skype. Her family and friends are here. She's been there to help me through previous relationship issues and vice versa. We talk about all topics in life and joke and sometimes we can go for hours..online.

 

I think our friendship is strong but one thing that bothers me is she never wants to hang out one on one. If it's something neutral like a group outing with all our friends, yes. With me, no and the neutral events we do meet up at, she's very reserved with me. Spends more of her time with others. Ofcourse I got my own friends there too so I'm doing my own thing but the deviation in her behavior between online and in person is confusing.

 

We started video skyping when she went off to england and it was really the first time we talked one on one not hidden behind font. Too bad it happened when she moved but yes. So when she came back for the holidays, I assumed, she'd want to hang out but since she's been back, she has not called. I received a text from her saying we need to chill but that was about it. When I tried to set something up, she was very nebulous about it. She's working and spending time with family so I understand but then she'd hang out with her girl friends. Why can't she set up a time with me? It's been well over a week now.

 

She has told me many times that she can be herself around me. She has even compared me to other guys that she's liked with me. So sometimes the things she says, makes me feel like she kind of likes me but what causes confusion is her flakey behavior and unwillingness to ever want to hang out.

 

 

To be honest, she's always been like this but after 4 years, I'd think she'd feel comfortable enough to hang out one on one. Even after video skyping, since she left, she's still the same and it feels like nothing has changed.

 

She's a great person and I consider her a friend..but the fact that she only ever communicates with me via social networking tools makes me feel like she is lying about something.

 

Is she?

 

I know I sound very clingy but please be aware that I do have my own life with my own friends. This girl means a lot to me but this issue is making me want to let her go so I have to address this now.

 

Can ya'll help me to make sense of it?

 

Beachead

[betterdeal]

Hey there. It sounds quite frustrating to know someone who's only comfortable dealing with you from a distance. Rather than trying to make sense of why she is like this, accept it's the way she is and decide what's going to make you happier. You've tried opening up more one to one in person connection, so now may be a good time to try the alternative - less online connecting. Not to get her attention; to increase your happiness, as it's clear to me being as emotionally involved as you are with her now is frustrating you. Save your feelings and the deep conversations for another day. By doing that, you will become more open to meeting someone else who you also connect with, and they may be more open to connecting in real life.

[SpiralOut]

She doesn't feel comfortable facing you after sharing so much deep emotional stuff with you online. She probably sees you in person and realizes that she doesn't really KNOW that much about you, in terms of your voice, your demeanor, the way you are with people, your habits. The two of you skipped that part of getting to know each other, so it might feel weird to her. Not like that's a bad thing. But this girl reminds me of the way that I used to be, so this is just my guess on what she might be thinking. It is nothing personal against you; this is just the way that she is.

 

I agree with betterdeal that you should stop talking to her so much online. When you do talk to her, keep it light and casual. Maybe this way the relationship/friendship you two have will stop feeling so intense and she'll start to feel more comfortable. It provides a chance for you two can sort of "start over" with getting to know each other.

 

Don't count on it happening, though. It's best to stay in a frame of mind where you'll feel okay no matter which way it goes.

[green_tea]

Do you have feelings for her? If so she might have picked up on it and not want to lead you on. I've had this happen many times with male "friends" who I don't and never would see in a romantic light. I don't like hanging out with them one on one but fine in a group. When confronted these guys usually insist it's as friends only, but it still makes me uncomfortable so I avoid them. That said I tend to avoid them online as well, unlike what you say this girl does to you. Anyway it's a possibility that she feels uncomfortable around you one on one.