PoppyLove89 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Okay so I know I've been posting a lot lately but hey, I'm bored and feel like getting people's opinions on my thoughts. (My friends are all out getting hammered whilst I'm stuck at home with the flu - booo) Anyway so this is what I've just been thinking about: do you think it's fair to say that, whilst all dumpers want to be the first to move on, it is in fact the dumpee who often moves on the most successfully? I mean, think about it. The dumper is the one who goes out partying, enjoying their newly-found single status, everything is rosy for them, dumping us was the best decision they ever made (as far as they're concerned right now). They're almost sprinting ahead and away from the relationship; thus leaving all the pain and emotion behind them intentionally. However, the dumpee is the one who spends weeks/months mourning the relationship. Wondering "if only I'd said or done this" (or about things they wish they hadn't done). The dumpee deals with their emotions as soon as they hit; anger, sadness, loss, heartbreak, depression, regret...the list goes on. I'd say that whilst we dumpees feel we're getting the rougher deal, it's actually the dumper who will hurt the most eventually (if their feelings were true that is and they didn't emotionally check out before the relationship ended). After all, you shouldn't run before you can walk and running away from your feelings just means you'll more than likely trip, fall and hit the ground hard! Our exes may look like insensitive b******s but trust me, they'll get what's coming to them eventually. Months, maybe even a year down the line, the true feelings and sense of loss will catch up with them and it's always when they stop running. By this point, whether they get back in touch or not, we'll have healed and moved on. I think this is the part where someone's thread "Why the dumper eventually wants to reconcile and the dumpee eventually doesn't" comes in (I can't remember the exact title but it was good all the same). Chins up, guys
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 I guess it comes down to the individual couple's split and the reasons behind it. My ex is very emotionally cold anyway and he told me himself on more than one occasion while we were still together that he finds it easiest to just shut his feelings off than to deal with what's going on. It's not healthy but that's what he's been doing. He's not a villain in my eyes, it's just his way of moving on.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 harmful, curious question... did you move on to another relationship? Im not judging nor should anyone else judge or poke fingers, its for my own understanding?
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Emotion dodging dumpers are running with scissors! This is correct yes, Feelings, grieving can not be dodged they resurface at some point and cause damage to the next relationship if not dealt with before hand. Wilson i think the OP's ex has jumped before healing if thats what your asking, can i point you towards this thread, a realisation within myself http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311008/ Only th first post applies, towards the end.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) I think where ever true feelings were involved and especially for a prolonged length of time (a year or more) the dumper will have to mourn the relationship at some point as well - sooner or later. Edited December 30, 2011 by PoppyLove89
CaliBabe Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Heh, very interesting observation. Makes alot of sense.
betterdeal Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Tell me, if a battered wife makes it to the shelter, is she also inherently evil, what with being a dumper and all?
fificremefarben Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 harmfulsweetz, dumpers don't necessarily have to be villains. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone anymore. That's all a part of life's rich tapestry, for sure. However, it is the WAY that some dumpers do the dumping or the way they act beforehand that earns them this title. Even if you don't want to be with someone, then you should still do the deed in as fair a way as possible (ie. don't cut and run, be honest, don't be argumentative etc.) If this is not you, then you're not a villainous dumper in any way.
Zabs Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 I think the thread's message 'appears' to be is that it is not fair to take another's choice away. If you went into a situation with your eyes wide open..knowing everything there is to know...the onus is on yourself. If you went into a situation where lies were involved to preserve the other person's 'options'...then I think that yes...that same person deserves what turmoil they get from the end of the relationship...however long away that may be. It is NEVER right to take away another's choice. NEVER:mad: Zabs xx
fificremefarben Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 However, I do feel that dumpees often view the situation in a skewed light (some at any rate) which can make the dumper come out worse than what they are. The topic at hand is discussing dumpers in the broad sense of the word, and treating them as almost evil who deserves to be punished. I agree but you said it yourself there, dumpees do view the situation in a skewed light. Why? Cos we're in pain. We're in pain because the dumper hurt us/broke our hearts. I'll admit, that, to me right now, my ex is the biggest ******* on the planet (though he was a cut and run, so that's allowed ). All you know as a dumpee is that you're in pain and that they are the one who hurt you and caused that pain. So it's natural you're going to villanise (villanize if you're from across the pond) them. It's irrational, sure, but it's just what happens. In time, when the pain has passed, we'll all begin to feel indifferent to our exes but, for now, for majority of us, we simply can't help it. Also, I think that's just something you have to take on the chin as a dumper. People give their sympathy to and side with the dumpee (except in unusual circumstances). It's unfair but, by in large, it's just the way it is. At the beginning of this recent BU, my best friend told me "Don't worry, he dumped you...that means you get the good stuff and he's the *******!" Like I say, it's down to crazy, old emotions. It's only temporary.
betterdeal Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 In my experience, people side with the person they like most, not the dumpee. Trying to measure out blame accurately for a relationship breakdown is most often a futile exercise, and most people I know don't even try to.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 I didn't even intend this thread to paint 'all' dumpers in a bad light....heck, I wasn't even intending to paint them in a bad light at all. My point was: The dumpers who very clearly go above and beyond to escape all memories/all feelings of the break-up and do a complete 180 personality-wise (perhaps GiGS), they're the ones who are most likely to mourn the relationship later on.
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 In my experience, people side with the person they like most, not the dumpee. Trying to measure out blame accurately for a relationship breakdown is most often a futile exercise, and most people I know don't even try to. I don't necessarily agree with that. Pretty much everyone has sided with me in my case, even my ex's parents. I think it depends on how the relationship was, how it ended, and how the dumper and dumpee handled the breakup. Then, the people who know/ get told what happened use their own moral compass and their own beliefs to judge the situation in their own eyes. Most mutual friends etc that know my ex like him and think he's a cool guy but they think he handled the breakup like an ass and think he's an idiot for it while still liking him.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 In my experience, people side with the person they like most, not the dumpee. Trying to measure out blame accurately for a relationship breakdown is most often a futile exercise, and most people I know don't even try to. At the end of the day, mutual friends will always tell either party exactly what they want to hear to keep the peace.
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