Unsure about the current situation

[Melrapuo]

So I've been posting this under the coping section, but I feel that it probably is better in this section. I have recently contacted an ex from 3-4 years ago and said hi. (Long story short - first love, dated for almost 2 years, ended pretty messy. She started getting feelings for another guy, was unsure who she wanted to be with. It was between me and the guy. I dropped it for a couple weeks, she tried talking to me again because she dumped the other guy, but we never got back together because she felt she wanted to date other people still. I ultimately decided that we couldn't talk anymore, couldn't be friends, it was over, thats it. Ended up dating someone else for three years, but that ended recently.)

 

The "hi" message went to a back and forth about how life was (she was surprised that I contacted her). She asked why the sudden conversation, and I asked her out for a cup of coffee. She agreed, we set it up for Wednesday this week. She even gave me her number in case she was late.

 

So we met up, talked for about two hours. I tried looking to see what this was going to be all about - catching up as old friends, seeing if there was anything else there. I let her talk most of the time, telling me how her life had been in the past few years. I believe she was being a little flirty, but wasn't sure. She did put her hands through her hair a lot, maintained a lot of eye contact, etc. However, I'm never good at telling if people like me or not (oblivious).

 

She kept telling me about tattoos, her music, stuff like that. She also told me about how her family was (i asked), and told me that she needs to see them soon (particularly her brother). She was telling me how we should hang out in the future. She asked what I was doing for New Years Eve, told her I had plans. I invited her to my thing, but she was going over a guy friend's house (he's in her band) instead so she couldn't come to mine. Then she asked about hanging out some time next week, and I told her that I actually wanted to go and have dinner with her sometime. She accepted. We talked a little more, set up the time as next friday. Then we left.

 

Last night she requested me back on FB, which I accepted. And today, I txted her something random about our past, and she sent an lol and a smily face (yea typical stuff)

 

Then she texted me how it was good that she was able to see me last night and that she thought i would never speak to her again. she said she was glad i changed my mind.

 

Now, my question is fairly simple, but I'm sure no one can answer it exactly. Does this show that its going in any particular direction, or is it still in the air? I'd assume that dinner is a date in most cases, but this is an ex, so the situation is going to be different. Never been in this type of situation before.

Edited December 29, 2011 by Melrapuo

[Melrapuo]

Just going to add that we're both single.

[FitChick]

She probably is happy that you want to be her friend again. Romance? Too early to tell.

[fishtaco]

You're the man, you have to take the driver's seat.

 

What do you want?

 

That dinner plan was too ambiguous. Before my currently relationship, I contact my ex from 4 years ago. She was the most significant person in my life up to this point. Pretty much from the get go I asked her if she would consider getting into a relationship with me again, because that was why I contacted her. It's great to catch up and see how thing have been going and all that, but after that, you have to get down to business.

 

She told me no thanks, and that was the end of that. I didn't drag it out and do ambiguous dinners and all that.

 

But what's done is done. I would just openly ask her after the dinner if she wants to get back together... if that's what you want.

[InJest]

Stay reserved early on. Remember how things ended last time. Keep pursuing her, but you need to also pursue other women as well, until you know where there is going. Sounds like a conversation about it will come up fairly soon though, but don't get too invested too early.

[Melrapuo]

Yea I haven't been trying to text her too often, I don't want to come off as aggressive and freak her out. At the same time, I don't want to pursue this if its just going to be a catching up. I don't mind being friends, but I don't want to get my hopes up at the same time.

 

Should I really wait until after the dinner and ask such a question about getting back together, or just ask her where she wants this to be going? I understand why being straightforward and blunt would get me the quickest answer, but I don't want to scare her.

[fishtaco]

Yea I haven't been trying to text her too often, I don't want to come off as aggressive and freak her out. At the same time, I don't want to pursue this if its just going to be a catching up. I don't mind being friends, but I don't want to get my hopes up at the same time.

 

Should I really wait until after the dinner and ask such a question about getting back together, or just ask her where she wants this to be going? I understand why being straightforward and blunt would get me the quickest answer, but I don't want to scare her.

 

I guess that's just my style, I'm straight forward. But you don't have to be aggressive about it. Why would she be scared? You are not "locking her into a committed relationship" immediately after the dinner, you are just telling her this is what you want. She can think about it for a week, a month, a year, a decade, to decide if this is what she wants as well. But, wait too long and you'll be gone. There's no deadline, but real life happens. I don't see how that would be scary. Maybe for a complete stranger, they'd be like, whoa! This is our first dinner, I don't even know you. But your ex knows you, you have history together.

 

Women are not fragile little flowers. Well, some are, but why would you want to date those? Eggshells are not pleasant to walk on.

 

The reason I say after dinner is if she says no... you'll have to finish dinner in awkwardness. So during dinner is the setup, ask at the end. Unless you're sure... like say in the middle of the dinner you two started making out.

 

Which is why personally, I would ask before the dinner. If she says no, then no dinner, or at least now we both know it'll be 100% platonic dinner, no making out.

[Melrapuo]

She can think about it for a week, a month, a year, a decade, to decide if this is what she wants as well. But, wait too long and you'll be gone. There's no deadline, but real life happens. I don't see how that would be scary. Maybe for a complete stranger, they'd be like, whoa! This is our first dinner, I don't even know you. But your ex knows you, you have history together.

 

...

 

Which is why personally, I would ask before the dinner. If she says no, then no dinner, or at least now we both know it'll be 100% platonic dinner, no making out.

 

Even if i ask it politely, its still going to come off aggressive. I only started talking to her monday...a week later, after 4 years of silence, I'm asking if she sees this going the same direction I am? That's almost asking for a commitment...and even if she is unsure herself, doing that would just push her away too.

 

I'm just confused, because I would assume that asking a girl out (even an ex) would imply it being a date. And what makes it more implied is that this girl is an EX, not some new person I met. You wouldn't ask an ex out to dinner if you wanted to just catch up...thats what coffee was for - to see if dinner would be the next possible step. Why wouldn't she have just told me no, then and there, if all she wanted to do was just hang out as friends, ya know?

[Melrapuo]

Manned up, asked her if it was a date-date or a hang out. She confirmed it as a date.

 

We talked for like two hours tonight. Learned a lot. At least now I can sleep a little better.

[fishtaco]

Manned up, asked her if it was a date-date or a hang out. She confirmed it as a date.

 

We talked for like two hours tonight. Learned a lot. At least now I can sleep a little better.

 

Good man. See how much better it is to be straight forward? Getting a "no" is even better than not knowing where you stand. Now you know how the dinner is going to go, it's a date, so you do date things.

 

Congratz, but this is only the first step. Don't jump the gun, don't get your hopes up, go with the flow. Your mission is to have a great time with her, should be pretty easy because the ice is already broken. Then see what happens next. Good luck.

 

Oh as for your question about dinner, I don't know her, so I'm using the most common denominator. Women by default will accept a free dinner and play the ambiguity game, then weasel out later. Not all women do this of course, but many do. So when unsure, assume that's the case. Hence my straight forwardness, it blocks them from weaseling out of it later.

Edited December 30, 2011 by fishtaco

[Melrapuo]

Well, to put it more specifically, after i had established that i meant it as a date, she said that she had pretty much assumed that it was a date-date. that, and she said going to dinner is "kinda gay for friends lol."

 

That second part kinda weirded me out. I dunno if that means she sees me as only a friend, or that she sees me as a potential for more than that. (she went on to mention how she had friends come over and try to make the situation into a date, or how guys had taken her on dates but tried treating her like one of the guys.)

 

Am I over-analyzing this? lol. Later in the conversation she asked where we were going, because she needed to know what outfit to wear.

[fishtaco]

Am I over-analyzing this? lol. Later in the conversation she asked where we were going, because she needed to know what outfit to wear.

 

Yes you are.

 

The gay comment... I assume she's young. Young people use "gay" to describe something lame. Sorry to the gay community, but I didn't come up with this. She was just trying to reassure you that it wasn't a platonic friend dinner-date.

 

And the fact that she's worried about what to wear, means this dinner has an importance to her. You should oblige and pick a place and tell her ASAP. Normally I would say don't wine and dine her. You NEVER do that with someone you just started dating. But your situation is different, she's an ex, you two are already familiar with each other. Maybe you can get away with more of a fancy dinner right off the bat? I don't know. I have never gotten back together with an ex before. New territory for me.

 

Also, many women, especially younger ones, change their minds all the time. She could be all into this date thing now, then turn around and lose interest 5 minutes later. So take it one step at a time. So far so good, but don't over invest.

[Melrapuo]

Took your advice, decided to pick a place on saturday and let her know that everything was set. she said "ok cool :)"

 

Now, in between now and when the date actually happens, should I be trying to contact her every now and then to say hi? ask her how her day is going? We spoke a bit on new years eve, and a little sunday night. Haven't spoken to her since. I don't want to come off as needy or clingy, but I don't want to give her the wrong impression that I'm just not trying to talk to her.

 

(She has initiated contact once or twice, sometime last week. Since Friday or Sat., its been me)

[Melrapuo]

So I decided to say to hell with it, I'll just text her and ask how her week has been going so far. That was a little over a few hours ago. No response from her.

 

In moments like these, is it best to just take a step back? At this point I don't plan on contacting her until tomorrow night/Friday just to confirm we're still on for the date. I can understand if she is busy, because she is probably working, but I figured I would've at least gotten something. This feels more like being ignored.

[jobaba]

Then she texted me how it was good that she was able to see me last night and that she thought i would never speak to her again. she said she was glad i changed my mind.

 

Now, my question is fairly simple, but I'm sure no one can answer it exactly. Does this show that its going in any particular direction, or is it still in the air? I'd assume that dinner is a date in most cases, but this is an ex, so the situation is going to be different. Never been in this type of situation before.

 

I was in this situation fairly recently and here's my take on reconnecting with an ex...

 

It's OK to get re-involved romantically but remember, all of the problems that caused the first split will likely be there. When I reconnected with my ex after 3 years or so of not having seen her, both of us were single and we hung out as friends which quickly became friends with benefits. Even as friends, I could slowly see all of the mental warfare creeping back again. I wasn't responsible anymore for dealing with it as we were no longer partners. But I saw enough to know that getting back together with her in earnest would be a disaster.

 

In your case, do you still trust her? Feel like you can get along? Still have fun together?

 

I would start it as a friends (likely with benefits) type thing and see where that goes. Hypothetically, that arrangement could last until you become a couple again or one of you starts seeing another person. That other person is probably not going to be too cool with the idea of you hanging out with your ex, so that'd be the end of that.

Edited January 4, 2012 by jobaba