Typical time-mark when couple's reconcile?

[PoppyLove89]

Would you say there is a typical length amount of time apart when most reconciliation attempts occur? (Given the relationship didn't end due to cheating/lies/violence etc)

 

I've read a lot of threads on here and it seems to be the 2/3 month mark? Whilst others don't even speak to their exes for a year or more before they start fresh...if at all.

[Kamila]

I haven't spoken to my ex since December 2010.

 

He texted me every month since then till July 2011.

 

I never replied.

 

He's seeing someone else now.

 

There was no cheating, no violence, no lies... but a bit of abuse and yeah also lies due to fear on his part.

 

Reconciliation ? I don't know if he knows that word.

[Philosoraptor]

A true new start can not happen until both people have dealt with any issues that they have and have matured emotionally.

[fucpcg]

I haven't spoken to my ex since December 2010.

 

He texted me every month since then till July 2011.

 

I never replied.

 

He's seeing someone else now.

 

There was no cheating, no violence, no lies... but a bit of abuse and yeah also lies due to fear on his part.

 

Reconciliation ? I don't know if he knows that word.

 

 

Why was he texting u if not to reconcile? Or are you maybe saying he thought he was trying to, but you feel it wasn't a sincere one?

[PoppyLove89]

A true new start can not happen until both people have dealt with any issues that they have and have matured emotionally.

 

I wish there were a 'Like' button on LS. Perfect advice

[CaliGuy]

A true new start can not happen until both people have dealt with any issues that they have and have matured emotionally.

 

Agree.

 

Also, you'll find that the chances of reconciliation are very low. It has to be the dumper that really wants it for there to be a real chance.

 

The best thing any dumpee can do is move on with their life and not put much, if any effort, into reconciling. The more a dumpee tries to make them come back the more they push them away (cage the dumper).

 

And as everyone knows, if you cage something, they'll desperately try to get out (run away).

[Shatter3d]

Mine took about 6mths to come back. He didn't contact me for the whole time. I pretty much gave up. He came back when he was ready. I played it cool for 2-3 months and then decided to take the plunge and give it another go. We are now engaged to be married this November. The 6 mths apart allowed us to grow as individuals and work on our owns eparate issues. Had I have kept chasing him and pressuring him like I did in the beginning it would have never have worked out, he may have come back but only out of guilt and it would have been very short lived.

Read back on some of my posts, my situation felt hopeless, even deleted him from Facebook as youou have... he used to say he was sorry and that he was confused. The best thing I ever did was to leave him alone and let him sort things out, let him feel what life is like without me.

[PoppyLove89]

Mine took about 6mths to come back. He didn't contact me for the whole time. I pretty much gave up. He came back when he was ready. I played it cool for 2-3 months and then decided to take the plunge and give it another go. We are now engaged to be married this November. The 6 mths apart allowed us to grow as individuals and work on our owns eparate issues. Had I have kept chasing him and pressuring him like I did in the beginning it would have never have worked out, he may have come back but only out of guilt and it would have been very short lived.

Read back on some of my posts, my situation felt hopeless, even deleted him from Facebook as youou have... he used to say he was sorry and that he was confused. The best thing I ever did was to leave him alone and let him sort things out, let him feel what life is like without me.

 

Wow it's lovely that you are a rare success story! Your ex didn't just come back to yank the chain, he actually still loved you and wanted you...I'm going to read your story now

[PoppyLove89]

Hey Shatter3d, if you have the time, could you write up exactly what happened in the lead up to your reconciliation and how it happened? Like how your ex came back in the end etc

[BCCA]

I think the 2/3 mark is when an ex might snoop around to see what youre up to, but you cant put a time frame on reconciliation. Unless the person who wanted out of the relationship realizes that they made a mistake, and really wants you back, there's a slim chance theyre coming back.

 

What DOES happen is a dumper goes out and parties it up with her friends, finds nothing but losers, and comes back to you - temporarily, of course - as an ego boost or to feel like there's a safety net waiting for them.

 

I did the same thing: wait, wonder, worry...I was even at the point where I couldnt even imagine being with someone else for 6+ months. And 3+ years later - I NEVER heard from my ex again.

 

I guess what Im saying is that even IF an ex comes back, be wary. Make sure you know what their intentions are, what theyve been doing, etc... The person who dumped you isnt always the person who comes back.

[PoppyLove89]

I think the 2/3 mark is when an ex might snoop around to see what youre up to, but you cant put a time frame on reconciliation. Unless the person who wanted out of the relationship realizes that they made a mistake, and really wants you back, there's a slim chance theyre coming back.

 

What DOES happen is a dumper goes out and parties it up with her friends, finds nothing but losers, and comes back to you - temporarily, of course - as an ego boost or to feel like there's a safety net waiting for them.

 

I did the same thing: wait, wonder, worry...I was even at the point where I couldnt even imagine being with someone else for 6+ months. And 3+ years later - I NEVER heard from my ex again.

 

I guess what Im saying is that even IF an ex comes back, be wary. Make sure you know what their intentions are, what theyve been doing, etc... The person who dumped you isnt always the person who comes back.

 

Yeah I hear what you're saying. I guess it also depends why you broke up and whether or not they were still in love with you at the time of the break-up.

 

Truth and Time tell all.

[BCCA]

Yeah I hear what you're saying. I guess it also depends why you broke up and whether or not they were still in love with you at the time of the break-up.

 

Truth and Time tell all.

 

After re-reading your first post, Ive found its less likely to reconcile when things ended with no cheating/lying/abuse/etc...those are issues that can be addressed, and fixed to an extent.

 

The relationships that end because someone fell out of love or thinks they would be 'settling' to stay with you are usually OVER. Think about it, you didnt do anything to cause the break besides be yourself, so now you want to be someone else just to please this one person? No.

 

To thy own self be true, or something like that (cant remember the exact quote). Just be who you are. If someone likes you, perfect - youre all set. But if someone doesnt - their loss. It takes a while to accept that this is the truth, but it is.

 

You seem like a decent person, and obviously guys have been attracted to you, so keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll find them. Maybe not the person you were looking for, but the person you need to be happy.

[PoppyLove89]

After re-reading your first post, Ive found its less likely to reconcile when things ended with no cheating/lying/abuse/etc...those are issues that can be addressed, and fixed to an extent.

 

The relationships that end because someone fell out of love or thinks they would be 'settling' to stay with you are usually OVER. Think about it, you didnt do anything to cause the break besides be yourself, so now you want to be someone else just to please this one person? No.

 

To thy own self be true, or something like that (cant remember the exact quote). Just be who you are. If someone likes you, perfect - youre all set. But if someone doesnt - their loss. It takes a while to accept that this is the truth, but it is.

 

You seem like a decent person, and obviously guys have been attracted to you, so keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll find them. Maybe not the person you were looking for, but the person you need to be happy.

 

Wait, my ex and I didn't break up because we fell out of love, we broke up because of constant bickering since he was always away with the army...

[Million.to.1]

After re-reading your first post, Ive found its less likely to reconcile when things ended with no cheating/lying/abuse/etc...those are issues that can be addressed, and fixed to an extent.

 

The relationships that end because someone fell out of love or thinks they would be 'settling' to stay with you are usually OVER. Think about it, you didnt do anything to cause the break besides be yourself.

 

I agree. I think it also hurts more when there wasn't really a reason except that the dumper just wasn't happy..

 

You feel helpless and that there is nothing you can do. Usually because there isn't.

[Kamila]

Why was he texting u if not to reconcile? Or are you maybe saying he thought he was trying to, but you feel it wasn't a sincere one?

 

Maybe because he felt lonely and wanted some comfort from me ?

He didn't sound sincere like you said. And if he really wanted to reconcile he would be clear about it. And not dubious like he always was.

It's 'I want you back and I want to work on our relationship'.

It's that simple. I wanted him to show initiative and not some blurry idea.

[perfectlyflawed459]

I do not think there is a set time. However, I do feel as though the more successful reconciliations, as in the ones that actually last long, occur after a significant amout of time passes, like year or longer. The shorter lived reconciliations seem to happen only within weeks or months after the break up. However, it all boils down to the two people involved in the relationship and why they broke up and such.

[PoppyLove89]

I think reconciliation stands a bigger chance at being successful once more time has passed too, I completely agree with you!

 

After all, you need to let go of your hurt feelings and all your anger. Grow as people. Explore other options and avenues in life. Then, if fate will have it, you can go into a new relationship with your ex. Leave the past behind you, where it belongs and move forward as a couple! Obviously you'll have the foundations of all your memories and that emotional bond already but you can approach everything else in a new and more positive way

[BoredAgain]

Also, you'll find that the chances of reconciliation are very low.

 

I don't think you can generalize like that, especially in relationships that didn't end due to cheating, lies, abuse, etc (as the OP stated). Lots of couples eventually reconcile. In fact, I have two friends who reconciled with Exes in the last year. Or even just ask random couples that have been together for a significant amount of time (like 10+ years), and I'd bet a fair amount will have been broken up and reconciled at some point. Hell, even on this board we see a lot of "he/she broke up with me and went back to his/her ex" threads.

 

Also, would you be comfortable if a current girlfriend started becoming good friends with an Ex? If the odds of reconciliation are so very low (as you say), then there's practically nothing to worry about.

 

My intent here is not to give people false hope. In fact, I agree with you that the best course of action is for the dumpee to move forward with his or her life and heal from the break-up. However, I think we should all be realistic. In fact, reconciling with an Ex is probably MORE LIKELY than hitting it off with a random person you meet elsewhere. After all, with an Ex you know there's some level of compatibility, there's a shared history, and usually there are shared goals and values. So if the issues that caused the breakup are gone, then (contrary to your opinion) I'd say that the odds of a reconciliation are pretty good.

[Kamila]

It's like the alignment of the stars and the planets eh. When all conditions are right, the magic happens and reconciliation is possible.

 

I'd like to add to the list that the ex should do some growing up and act more mature in order to know what (s)he wants. Sadly, I found my ex-bf telling me that he doesn't know what he wants in life and that he has to found out for himself. But that he doesn't want to lose me... Either way, if someone doesn't know what he wants, it doesn't matter whether he's with you or not. You're just a question mark.

 

So yes, after the BU, the ex experiments more, date more, compare other partners with us. Until someday the ex will have that 'mature' moment and will know exactly what (s)he want. Where will you be when that happens ? Will reconciliation be still possible ? Or will that ship have already sailed...