Things I've learned about dating

[daphne]

So the guy with the glimmer in his eye and seemingly endless compatibility is gone. I’ll probably never really know why, but my guess is that he doesn’t know what he wants, or somehow knows it’s not me. It took a week of withdrawals and obsessing over “What did I do?” and “How can he not realize that he’ll never meet someone with as much shared experienced, core values, attraction and compatibility as me.” But that, seriously, got me nowhere.

 

My takeaway:

 

1) When a guy takes you on your second date to a neighborhood where he wants to live to show off the houses, he is probably an insincere flake.

2) Constant talk of future trips and things he’d like to do together next year sometime are also insincere. (Granted, I avoided any of that stuff, it seemed far-flung.)

3) Just because you make a guy shake like a leaf, doesn’t mean he knows what he wants and that it’s you. He’s just afraid you’ll reject him.

4) If a guy (or girl) starts to pull away, mirror them. Do not pursue. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

5) If a guy can’t be bothered to pick you up for a party and show you off, he’s not going to bother driving to your house to bring you soup when you’re sick.

6) Guys with a lot of anxiety that don’t deal well with competing needs are kind of wimps. :/

7) A guy that will sit under the heat lamp instead of letting you sit there in the cold, is a selfish wimp.

8) As a woman, say no plenty. Be charming, but set your boundaries early and often. Do it with a twinkle in your eye.

9) Again, as a woman, if you want something don’t get negative or needy. ASK FOR IT. Put it out there. If they say no, gracefully accept rejection like you would any friend. Then pull back and assess if they’re too rigid or inconsiderate.

10) People you are dating will test you to see if you’re malleable. If they smell that you’re becoming more interested, they decrease a little interest commensurate with your increase.

11) Even if you make the ex look like June Cleaver, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want another June Cleaver.

12) Don’t fear losing someone because of his or her potential. If they’re not making you happy now, they may never. Potential is not concrete.

13) When someone says they want space, regardless of the seemingly rational excuse, and then go back to online dating. YOU. LET. THEM. GO.

14) If a guy goes back online to check out profiles after you’ve had the exclusivity talk. YOU. LET. THEM. GO. That should have been number 1, actually. Would have saved me the week of angst.

 

 

I did my week of reading. Apparently, I forgot how to be a bitch, forgot that men are from mars, forgot about Love Tactics (this was a good one.) I learned that, in the end, a bag of compatibility means very little. And no one is that special to rip your own heart out and beat yourself up for longer than a week.

 

Just sayin’.

[oaks]

1) When a guy takes you on your second date to a neighborhood where he wants to live to show off the houses, he is probably an insincere flake.

 

Yeah, that was a bit weird. Sorry things didn't work out, and I hope 2012 will be more successful for you.

[ditzchic]

1) When a guy takes you on your second date to a neighborhood where he wants to live to show off the houses, he is probably an insincere flake.

2) Constant talk of future trips and things he’d like to do together next year sometime are also insincere. (Granted, I avoided any of that stuff, it seemed far-flung.)[/Quote]

 

YES!!!!

And I'd also like to add that if he says "I already told my mom all about you." on the first official date, you should run like hell.

a) He's lying to try and charm you

or

b) He is super insecure and needy and projecting his ideal on you. This most never ends well.

 

 

12) Don’t fear losing someone because of his or her potential. If they’re not making you happy now, they may never. Potential is not concrete.

 

I think this is the toughest, but probably most valuable, lesson to learn. Live for the now. If it's meant to be in the future it will be but you can't get to the future without getting through the now.

[johan]

1) When a guy takes you on your second date to a neighborhood where he wants to live to show off the houses, he is probably an insincere flake.

I don't see this as a clue to anything in particular. Maybe he just digs architecture and moving is on his mind.

 

2) Constant talk of future trips and things he’d like to do together next year sometime are also insincere. (Granted, I avoided any of that stuff, it seemed far-flung.)

Same with this one. It's not necessarily an indication of anything. He meant it at the time. The fact that he didn't follow through is a sign of something else. He could just as easily have followed through.

 

3) Just because you make a guy shake like a leaf, doesn’t mean he knows what he wants and that it’s you. He’s just afraid you’ll reject him.

You're probably right. I'd also be wary of a guy who gets that wound up in the first place. My fear of rejection has never made me tremble.

 

4) If a guy (or girl) starts to pull away, mirror them. Do not pursue. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I don't completely agree. You should express your sincere interests at least once. When you perceive someone pulling away, it could be due to other factors or just your misperception. Once you know for sure they are pulling away, then I agree with you.

 

5) If a guy can’t be bothered to pick you up for a party and show you off, he’s not going to bother driving to your house to bring you soup when you’re sick.

My ex got annoyed if I came around when she was sick. Once she had a urinary tract infection and I got up at 4am to make juice from real cranberries and take it to her before she went to work. She seemed grateful, but in the end I don't know what I got out of it. She's my ex, and I haven't dated anyone seriously since then. But I actually can't imagine making someone I'm really interested in drive herself like you describe.

 

6) Guys with a lot of anxiety that don’t deal well with competing needs are kind of wimps. :/

I agree.

7) A guy that will sit under the heat lamp instead of letting you sit there in the cold, is a selfish wimp.

I agree. But I think this is pretty funny, too. ha ha

 

8) As a woman, say no plenty. Be charming, but set your boundaries early and often. Do it with a twinkle in your eye.

I agree. While you're saying no, he shouldn't feel shut down.

 

9) Again, as a woman, if you want something don’t get negative or needy. ASK FOR IT. Put it out there. If they say no, gracefully accept rejection like you would any friend. Then pull back and assess if they’re too rigid or inconsiderate.

I agree. This is probably a case-by-case thing. Whether you ask or not. Whether it's time to reassess.

 

10) People you are dating will test you to see if you’re malleable. If they smell that you’re becoming more interested, they decrease a little interest commensurate with your increase.

Maybe. Sometimes what happens is the mystique disappears when the vulnerability appears. It's sometimes the mystique around someone that makes them attractive. This isn't something you can really plan for.

 

11) Even if you make the ex look like June Cleaver, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want another June Cleaver.

June had her appeal.

 

12) Don’t fear losing someone because of his or her potential. If they’re not making you happy now, they may never. Potential is not concrete.

Potential never realized might as well have never existed. The fact is we're all performing exactly to our potential in every moment.

 

13) When someone says they want space, regardless of the seemingly rational excuse, and then go back to online dating. YOU. LET. THEM. GO.

For sure.

 

14) If a guy goes back online to check out profiles after you’ve had the exclusivity talk. YOU. LET. THEM. GO. That should have been number 1, actually. Would have saved me the week of angst.

I agree.

[Imajerk17]

Yikes. I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out, daphne, although this guy doesn't sound like a winner. At least a New Year is coming....

[Feelsgoodman]

One thing I've learned about dating is that you can't make far reaching conclusions based on your experience with just one person. Another thing I've learned is that some things are just not meant to be. You meet someone you really like, and that person seems to be into you as well, and you think that you have much in common and there is a great connection but after a couple of dates it all falls apart and you have no clue what happened...Yeah, it can be frustrating, but there's no point trying to figure out what went wrong because you will never know for sure.

[dasein]

Great post! Agree with most all the points. We need more like you in my neck of the woods.

[daphne]

Yeah, that was a bit weird. Sorry things didn't work out, and I hope 2012 will be more successful for you.

 

Thanks sweetie. Me too. Hope your relationship is going well.

 

YES!!!!

And I'd also like to add that if he says "I already told my mom all about you." on the first official date, you should run like hell.

a) He's lying to try and charm you

or

b) He is super insecure and needy and projecting his ideal on you. This most never ends well.

 

I think this is the toughest, but probably most valuable, lesson to learn. Live for the now. If it's meant to be in the future it will be but you can't get to the future without getting through the now.

 

I think he was insecure and needy. He's by no means a player. How many players do you know listen to Christian rock and drive like Mr. Magoo?

 

Yikes. I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out, daphne, although this guy doesn't sound like a winner. At least a New Year is coming....

 

Thanks. Yes, looking forward to 2012 and hopefully better adventures.

[daphne]

I don't see this as a clue to anything in particular. Maybe he just digs architecture and moving is on his mind.

 

Same with this one. It's not necessarily an indication of anything. He meant it at the time. The fact that he didn't follow through is a sign of something else. He could just as easily have followed through.

 

My ex got annoyed if I came around when she was sick. Once she had a urinary tract infection and I got up at 4am to make juice from real cranberries and take it to her before she went to work. She seemed grateful, but in the end I don't know what I got out of it. She's my ex, and I haven't dated anyone seriously since then. But I actually can't imagine making someone I'm really interested in drive herself like you describe.

 

Maybe. Sometimes what happens is the mystique disappears when the vulnerability appears. It's sometimes the mystique around someone that makes them attractive. This isn't something you can really plan for.

 

As far as the neighborhood, he mentioned he wanted me to buy a house there cos he wanted to live there some day. The future plans, meh. Who knows. But it seemed pretty soon to be talking about a trip to Paris.

 

Glad to hear you're a gentleman Johan. My guy friends had varying reactions from face palm to "What's wrong with him?" I don't understand it either but it did indicate where he was at the time.

 

The vulnerability/mystique thing bugs me. Only because I know it's true.

[daphne]

One thing I've learned about dating is that you can't make far reaching conclusions based on your experience with just one person. Another thing I've learned is that some things are just not meant to be. You meet someone you really like, and that person seems to be into you as well, and you think that you have much in common and there is a great connection but after a couple of dates it all falls apart and you have no clue what happened...Yeah, it can be frustrating, but there's no point trying to figure out what went wrong because you will never know for sure.

 

Some of these are specific to one person. Most are realizations of things I've done wrong in several relationships. What generally falls apart early on are communication and loss of attraction. I guess for me, I don't lose attraction based on slight neediness or we'd never have gotten past date 2! I just watch for the big signs.

 

Great post! Agree with most all the points. We need more like you in my neck of the woods.

 

Thanks. I wish I had understood and made these happen a long time ago. I never realized how much of a part I play in things sometimes not working out. Now I do. Watch out! Moohaha.

[FitChick]

Great list. I would add:

 

The only person you can control is yourself so be the best You you can be in thought, word and deed. You may still get dumped for reasons having little to do with you personally but at least you won't torture yourself later with "If only I had said or done..." Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

[fishtaco]

Sorry to hear your relationship ended...

 

Sometimes, things just don't work out.

 

"Knowing what you want", is extremely difficult. I don't think anyone can claim that. And to top it off, it changes from time to time. It is what it is, unfortunately.

 

You already know this, but the best thing is to drop it and move on. Single life is a wild roller coaster ride, it has its fun and excitement moments. I'll have to live vicariously through you now. Best of luck, and go out there and have fun.

[daphne]

Great list. I would add:

 

The only person you can control is yourself so be the best You you can be in thought, word and deed. You may still get dumped for reasons having little to do with you personally but at least you won't torture yourself later with "If only I had said or done..." Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

 

I think it probably was timing. And I lost my edge. That tends to happen when a guy starts moving the relationship faster than need be. I started to believe his nonsense.

 

Sorry to hear your relationship ended...

 

Sometimes, things just don't work out.

 

"Knowing what you want", is extremely difficult. I don't think anyone can claim that. And to top it off, it changes from time to time. It is what it is, unfortunately.

 

You already know this, but the best thing is to drop it and move on. Single life is a wild roller coaster ride, it has its fun and excitement moments. I'll have to live vicariously through you now. Best of luck, and go out there and have fun.

 

I do know what I want. And I'm gonna get it!

 

I'll be happy when the roller coaster ride of dating is over. I hate the drama of breakups.