Anger

January 3, 2012

Wow, I think I've come a long way from when I first posted here...Ive made progress but Im not done. I still go through the phases, sometimes some more than others.

Im angry at myself for even doing what I did. Im angry at her for doing what she did, for stepping outside of her marriage, approaching me to step out of mine, and for me sacrificing everything Ive ever stood for ...for what? I thought I found that person who was amazing, who I connected with more than any other in a long long time and I learn the hard way that actions speak louder than words. Im angry for not recognizing the signs that it wasn't going to go anywhere more than where it was...not seeing the signs, for ignoring them....for hurting my wife to a degree I'd never even imagined and for still thinking of my xMW more often than I should.

Im saddened by how xMW has handled things, how immature she has acted since it all ended, how she called me a stalker when Id done nothing of the sort yet she has continually checked for my facebook page if I take it off private and texted me about it even though she told me to leave her alone which Ive done. She has made me into the bad guy to make it easier for her I guess, she has gone on with her husband having no knowledge of what occurred and it doesn't seem to bother her at all as she continues on with life. So I do the best I can to focus on making my wife happy, to show her that we can make it, that I can be a good husband, even though I haven't been.

Most of the time I go on with no major issues, thoughts of xMW come and go, far less often than before, but there are days or times where they are stronger and I must push them from my head. I have come to the realization that I can sit around and try to find reasons as to why she did what she did, treated me like she has, but it does me no good, it causes more problems and wastes my energy ....so I try and focus on everything else, and yet, Im human and slip...but now I catch myself when Im slippin'.

Thanks for sharing your thought RF.

I find it really interesting because most replies here were from OW, and the few BS. But your dynamic is different because you were the WS/OM.

I can completely understand your guilt and anger at yourself. I felt so much of that, and I wasn't cheating on anyone, so I can certainly imagine the weight of those feelings for you.

I'm glad that you have learned, I'm glad that you're doing your best and I'm really glad that you see things for what they are and now see what is truly important.

That's the crazy thing about affairs, we think we found our soul-mate and this amazing connection to a person and it seems like its far more intense and far more real than anything we've ever felt before, and we let that blind us and we do such foolish things - but we can get out, and its never too late (as you have shown) to get out and do better.

Thanks

January 3, 2012

As I said, I’m not angry at MM. What I described as “anger” is my hurt and frustration from the actions described by MM who I believe loves me. I have no ill feelings towards MM. I may not like things he’s done, but I don’t hate him nor am I angry with him. We are still friends. We talk regularly. We still discuss the hurt and frustrations at times on both our parts. I’m not angry at him for being an adulterer. I don’t think he is shady (no more than the “normal” cheater I guess). I don’t think he lied to me in the since of stringing me along. MM was very upfront with me. I can’t be and I’m not angry at him, no more than I am at myself. If I found out that all the wonderful things I believed about MM was untrue, I still don’t believe I’d have the right to be angry. Victims have the right to get angry; I’m not a victim. Nor is anyone who think an A is wrong, but continue or get started in one regardless of what was first believed. No slight towards anyone. Affairs are deceitful. Therefore, you get what you get and shouldn’t be too surprised at anything regardless of what you believed IMO. But I still believe I have the right to feel hurt or frustrated by MM, and I still think “anger” towards myself is pointless for me. Anger is destructive when turned inward. I find regret and remorse instead of anger is more helpful and positive in my case. It doesn’t absolve me in responsibility. It makes me face responsibility.

I don't think anger is reserved for victims alone.

I certainly don't view myself as a victim of anything, and yet I can be angry.

Take this for example:

say you get drunk off your ass, and you still get in a car and drive, and you crash into someone and they die.

If you felt anger at yourself for being a reckless drunk ass later - is that not acceptable - just because you're not really the victim?

I do somewhat get what you're saying but to imply that those that feel anger see themselves as victims is insulting. Sometimes we can feel anger at ourselves for disappointing ourselves and acting in a way that's thoughtless and hurtful to others - if that way is outside our normal moral code.

January 3, 2012

I don't think anger is reserved for victims alone.
I certainly don't view myself as a victim of anything, and yet I can be angry.

Take this for example:
say you get drunk off your ass, and you still get in a car and drive, and you crash into someone and they die.
If you felt anger at yourself for being a reckless drunk ass later - is that not acceptable - just because you're not really the victim?

I do somewhat get what you're saying but to imply that those that feel anger see themselves as victims is insulting. Sometimes we can feel anger at ourselves for disappointing ourselves and acting in a way that's thoughtless and hurtful to others - if that way is outside our normal moral code.

This is going off on a tangent for me, but I’d like to respond. First, I was only expressing my opinion which is why I said “IMO” and “no slight to anyone”. Second, I was only responding to your confusion on my “anger” towards MM but not towards myself. Third, I was referring to As, not accidents. Any one can feel anyway they like. And I agree that anger in the general sense is a normal reaction to certain situations. I was just trying to initially offer some what I thought was decent advice about looking pass the anger, as I think it would be a negligence to continue to beat yourself up over something you can’t change, but instead to learn from it in a positive manner.

As far as “victims have the right to get angry”, sorry you were insulted. Lighten up. They do. Not what I was referring to, but to answer your question, a drunkard should be angry at himself in that situation. He/she is culpable. But anger doesn’t mean a change in behavior IMO…Back to As, you may be angry at yourself, but if you don’t identify and rectify the behavior/patterns/issue that led you to make the choices that have you harnessing so much anger towards yourself, what good did that “anger” do. But hey, if it works for you then work it.

January 4, 2012

This is going off on a tangent for me, but I’d like to respond. First, I was only expressing my opinion which is why I said “IMO” and “no slight to anyone”. Second, I was only responding to your confusion on my “anger” towards MM but not towards myself. Third, I was referring to As, not accidents. Any one can feel anyway they like. And I agree that anger in the general sense is a normal reaction to certain situations. I was just trying to initially offer some what I thought was decent advice about looking pass the anger, as I think it would be a negligence to continue to beat yourself up over something you can’t change, but instead to learn from it in a positive manner.

As far as “victims have the right to get angry”, sorry you were insulted. Lighten up. They do. Not what I was referring to, but to answer your question, a drunkard should be angry at himself in that situation. He/she is culpable. But anger doesn’t mean a change in behavior IMO…Back to As, you may be angry at yourself, but if you don’t identify and rectify the behavior/patterns/issue that led you to make the choices that have you harnessing so much anger towards yourself, what good did that “anger” do. But hey, if it works for you then work it.

Well, of course, people should take their anger and turn it into something useful - that was never the issue.

but what's the difference in culpability between someone driving drunk and hurting another and someone entering into an affair and hurting someone?

Sure, it might not be life & death in an affair situation, but its still someone's conscious decision that ends up truly hurting another person?

January 4, 2012

Well, of course, people should take their anger and turn it into something useful - that was never the issue.

but what's the difference in culpability between someone driving drunk and hurting another and someone entering into an affair and hurting someone?

Sure, it might not be life & death in an affair situation, but its still someone's conscious decision that ends up truly hurting another person?

Unless I’m mistaken, I believed the issue was you relaying your feelings on getting angry at MM for lying, but mostly you getting angry at yourself for…and asking posters “so for the "angry" on occasion people here, what makes you angry about the A?”

I thought I answered it specifically with my own experience and again with what I thought was helpful. When you questioned what I meant, I thought I specifically addressed what you asked. Somehow, it seems you took something personal and went a little off what I thought was the original conversation/thread/post/issue which again I think I specifically answered and thought cleared up any further issue. Surprisingly to me, you now want to debate me on culpability which was not/isn’t the issue. I don’t think I can be any clearer than the explanation in my last post.

You say to me “Well, of course, people should take their anger and turn it into something useful - that was never the issue”. After going back before this post to read the other posts, I thought I was saying (which was its intent) pretty much what others already said: You can't undo the mistakes you made, but you can learn from them and make better choices with the knowledge and insight you gained (sadintexas), ultimately, I allowed everything, regardless of what he did (hazyhead), we need to analyze our actions within their context (east7), etc. Don’t know why you haven’t pointed out that not being the issue (according to you) to them or earlier? (shrug)

It is unfortunate that you took my encouragement or suggestion in the support of you in the wrong manner. Best of luck.

January 4, 2012

Unless I’m mistaken, I believed the issue was you relaying your feelings on getting angry at MM for lying, but mostly you getting angry at yourself for…and asking posters “so for the "angry" on occasion people here, what makes you angry about the A?”

I thought I answered it specifically with my own experience and again with what I thought was helpful. When you questioned what I meant, I thought I specifically addressed what you asked. Somehow, it seems you took something personal and went a little off what I thought was the original conversation/thread/post/issue which again I think I specifically answered and thought cleared up any further issue. Surprisingly to me, you now want to debate me on culpability which was not/isn’t the issue. I don’t think I can be any clearer than the explanation in my last post.

You say to me “Well, of course, people should take their anger and turn it into something useful - that was never the issue”. After going back before this post to read the other posts, I thought I was saying (which was its intent) pretty much what others already said: You can't undo the mistakes you made, but you can learn from them and make better choices with the knowledge and insight you gained (sadintexas), ultimately, I allowed everything, regardless of what he did (hazyhead), we need to analyze our actions within their context (east7), etc. Don’t know why you haven’t pointed out that not being the issue (according to you) to them or earlier? (shrug)

It is unfortunate that you took my encouragement or suggestion in the support of you in the wrong manner. Best of luck.

Wow, the topic went off tangent when I brought up the drunk driving example and lead to culpability. By you saying that yes a drunk should feel angry, but in earlier posts you said that you didn't feel anger at yourself for your part in an A. So I asked my question out of curiosity to just understand your logic better.

You seem to be getting really defensive.

I understand that text doesn't have a tone, but I wasn't upset (sure I thought one comment was insulting, but I'm not so petty that I would just take my ball and go home. I truly wanted to understand where you were coming from)

Obviously, for whatever reason, you now seem to be the one taking offense, and get really defensive and that's unfortunate. I wasn't attacking, I wasn't instigating, I merely wanted to talk about culpability since that was the direction the convo headed after.

But honestly, its fine. Whatever.

Best of luck to you too.

January 4, 2012

Why do you still get angry at yourself? Once the facts became clear to you, you effected change to make the facts accord better with your beliefs i.e. you ended the affair. Could it be you're angry because you have feelings for this person still, despite that being against your values?

We all resist the urges that come with some feelings. We resist the urge to pee until we can find somewhere suitable, like a loo, or a bush, for instance. So what is it about these feelings that make you feel angry at yourself? They are just feelings. You can choose how to act on them.

Feelings are neither good or bad. They are signals from some part of you that wants something. Be that a cake or a cuddle, a pee or a pay-rise, it's not always the direct route that's the best one. So maybe (and forgive me for the assumptions I've made so far that it is about feelings) your anger is misdirected. You're not a bad person for having feelings for someone. You're a respectful person for not acting on them.

Then again, maybe you're anger is a way to avoid being vulnerable and open again. Whilst you're angry, you're not in the dating game, and that keeps you safe from being hurt again. But you don't have to be angry to be single, to not have anything to do with this person. You can draw a line, say "get thee behind me" to that devil and make your own declaration of independence.

Just thoughts.

January 4, 2012

Why do you still get angry at yourself? Once the facts became clear to you, you effected change to make the facts accord better with your beliefs i.e. you ended the affair. Could it be you're angry because you have feelings for this person still, despite that being against your values?

We all resist the urges that come with some feelings. We resist the urge to pee until we can find somewhere suitable, like a loo, or a bush, for instance. So what is it about these feelings that make you feel angry at yourself? They are just feelings. You can choose how to act on them.

Feelings are neither good or bad. They are signals from some part of you that wants something. Be that a cake or a cuddle, a pee or a pay-rise, it's not always the direct route that's the best one. So maybe (and forgive me for the assumptions I've made so far that it is about feelings) your anger is misdirected. You're not a bad person for having feelings for someone. You're a respectful person for not acting on them.

Then again, maybe you're anger is a way to avoid being vulnerable and open again. Whilst you're angry, you're not in the dating game, and that keeps you safe from being hurt again. But you don't have to be angry to be single, to not have anything to do with this person. You can draw a line, say "get thee behind me" to that devil and make your own declaration of independence.

Just thoughts.

Thanks for the thoughts on that betterdeal,

Honestly, I have absolutely no feelings towards him. I don't want to be with him, I don't trust him or respect him - so its not that.

I'm not single now, so I've been able to open up and love again and be vulnerable.

I don't believe I'm a bad person either...but:

My anger stems from the fact that by being in the A, I've done something that I think is horrible (I'm soooooooo not saying this as a judgement on anyone else, honestly!!) - its just the worst thing I've ever done.

I had the motto of "do whatever you wanna do in life as long as you're not hurting someone else" - and I broke that to buy into some lines from a guy that was taken because I felt I loved him more than anything.

I'm angry for being such a fool, for breaking my own code for all the wrong reasons.

I have dealt with most of the issues that the A brought up in me, the reason I still get angry sometimes is because I let myself get played, and I was dumb, and I should have known better.

I know, I know, we need to turn our anger/pain into more positive things, and for the most part I do - its just some times the anger comes, but I know there is no point in it now because the A is long dead and the lesson has certainly been learned.

Thank you BD

January 4, 2012

But now you do know better, so your anger is, well, about something else, or misplaced. No point berating that other person who you were back then. Revoke the sin not the sinner.

Unless you're going to do it again, that anger, if it is about that, is useless and, in a way, a sign that your mastery of your feelings still has room for improvement. So a positive you can take from it is you have something about you to work on.

Feel it, acknowledge it, and it will dissipate. Raise your ire when it's needed.

January 4, 2012

Oh Tiger, I just want to hug you and let you know that you've just explained how I feel sometimes. It's tough, but yet we need to both let it go but yet forgiveness of oneself is so hard.

I'm getting there, but it's been a really hard road.

Hugs........

Great post Betterdeal, it resonated with me also. Thank you.

Thanks for the thoughts on that betterdeal,

Honestly, I have absolutely no feelings towards him. I don't want to be with him, I don't trust him or respect him - so its not that.

I'm not single now, so I've been able to open up and love again and be vulnerable.

I don't believe I'm a bad person either...but:

My anger stems from the fact that by being in the A, I've done something that I think is horrible (I'm soooooooo not saying this as a judgement on anyone else, honestly!!) - its just the worst thing I've ever done.

I had the motto of "do whatever you wanna do in life as long as you're not hurting someone else" - and I broke that to buy into some lines from a guy that was taken because I felt I loved him more than anything.

I'm angry for being such a fool, for breaking my own code for all the wrong reasons.

I have dealt with most of the issues that the A brought up in me, the reason I still get angry sometimes is because I let myself get played, and I was dumb, and I should have known better.

I know, I know, we need to turn our anger/pain into more positive things, and for the most part I do - its just some times the anger comes, but I know there is no point in it now because the A is long dead and the lesson has certainly been learned.

Thank you BD

January 4, 2012

But now you do know better, so your anger is, well, about something else, or misplaced. No point berating that other person who you were back then. Revoke the sin not the sinner.

Unless you're going to do it again, that anger, if it is about that, is useless and, in a way, a sign that your mastery of your feelings still has room for improvement. So a positive you can take from it is you have something about you to work on.

Feel it, acknowledge it, and it will dissipate. Raise your ire when it's needed.

I completely see what you're saying betterdeal.

The only thing I will say in contradiction, is that idea that my anger is about something else - its not...

lets use your pee example.

say you have a lot to drink and you pee yourself in front of a group of people you really really respect and care what they think of you.

sure, the incident is done and maybe those people don't care and you learned not to drink so much without knowing where the nearest bathroom is

but the memory of the incident would make you feel ashamed maybe and even mad at yourself for even getting into that predicament.

So, in a sense I peed myself BIG TIME - the A is that in that example.

I dunno, if I'm making sense or gonna start rumours that I pee myself - but I dunno, its just the memory of what happened that brings the shame and anger.

However...you are correct, the anger is useless and I certainly need to improve on mastering my feelings, or even my examples

Thanks betterdeal

January 4, 2012

Oh Tiger, I just want to hug you and let you know that you've just explained how I feel sometimes. It's tough, but yet we need to both let it go but yet forgiveness of oneself is so hard.

I'm getting there, but it's been a really hard road.

Hugs........

Great post Betterdeal, it resonated with me also. Thank you.

Thank you LadyGrey, you're very sweet

I'm glad to hear that you're getting there in forgiving yourself. I know you understand where I'm coming from and know how it feels - so I'm very happy you're letting go too.

***HUGS***

January 4, 2012

I completely see what you're saying betterdeal.
The only thing I will say in contradiction, is that idea that my anger is about something else - its not...

lets use your pee example.
say you have a lot to drink and you pee yourself in front of a group of people you really really respect and care what they think of you.

sure, the incident is done and maybe those people don't care and you learned not to drink so much without knowing where the nearest bathroom is

but the memory of the incident would make you feel ashamed maybe and even mad at yourself for even getting into that predicament.

So, in a sense I peed myself BIG TIME - the A is that in that example.

I dunno, if I'm making sense or gonna start rumours that I pee myself - but I dunno, its just the memory of what happened that brings the shame and anger.

However...you are correct, the anger is useless and I certainly need to improve on mastering my feelings, or even my examples

Thanks betterdeal

That's a great analogy tigercub - thanks for clarifying. I can completely identify with those pangs of memory! When certain memories pop up, it almost feels like someone is hitting me in the head or a little fire cracker is going off in my brain. I want to erase them from my thoughts immediately and sometimes I even shake my head and say "Ouch! I don't want to think about that! Go away!"

I equate these little incidents as more of a reaction due to a trauma of sorts. If you really think about it, we did traumatize ourselves by engaging in an affair. We went through extreme emotional highs and lows, we did things completely out of character for us, we accepted sub-par behavior (waaay below sub-par) and actually got excited when a silly crumb was tossed our way. And worst of all, we put ourselves at risk. Extreme risk! This is quite an assault on our system! We put ourselves through an emotional war and the memory pangs feel like a post traumatic stress reaction when they happen.

When we've finally come back to our senses - we are so SHOCKED at what we allowed to happen - these memories have an impact. We do things in an affair that we would normally find appalling if we had knowledge of someone else doing them. Ugh! It's bound to create a reaction in us for a long time to come.

Thanks again for clarifying tigercub. I know exactly what you are talking about and I'm not more advanced in my recovery at all. Pretty much in the same place.

Betterdeal, I hear what you are saying, but have to disagree. It isn't something wrong with us in an unresolved issue way; it's more of a reaction due to the extreme duress we put on our emotional system. It's hard to understand unless you've been in an affair. You made good points though.

January 5, 2012

Hey TC, great thread!

What I'm finding more over the last few days is the anger is within me because of the vulnerability I allowed myself to have when I was connecting with xMW for a year, something that grew to such a strong and deep connection was traded for one night with her and quite frankly, I felt abandoned afterwards the first few months in NC.

But what really amazes me is I don't really understand why I feel that, I was never with her to be begin with, why should I feel abandoned? Because I miss the fantasy of her? because I thought at that point, she really was going to go forward beyond the small separation they had and actually divorce.

Of course, I realize it really was for the best we didn't end up together, I don't know how it could have worked giving the circumstances.

The hypothetical version of what could have happened is something that angers me as well, it's not real but it does enter my dreams, more frequently lately and I'm really working hard to decipher why.

I know that I have to understand why so I can finally be in a healthy long-term relationship for once.

-FC

Edited January 5, 2012 by FightClub

January 5, 2012

This has really got me thinking. I'm wondering if it boils down to forgiving ourselves for the affair? Could the anger and shame we feel be because we haven't forgiven ourselves yet?

I know I have had a hard time letting go of the whole idea of the affair and that I was in one in the first place. It pretty much permeates my brain on a daily basis. I'm wondering if my inability to completely let it go from my thoughts is because I haven't forgiven myself yet. I'm doing well, know what I want and I'm excited about the possibilities the future holds, but I still think about the affair. Not because I want to be involved in it again...I don't. I still think about it though or maybe a better way to describe it is that it is always lurking in the background of my thoughts.

Thank you for posting this thread tigercub because it has really got me thinking. It's been most helpful!

January 5, 2012

That's a great analogy tigercub - thanks for clarifying. I can completely identify with those pangs of memory! When certain memories pop up, it almost feels like someone is hitting me in the head or a little fire cracker is going off in my brain. I want to erase them from my thoughts immediately and sometimes I even shake my head and say "Ouch! I don't want to think about that! Go away!"

I equate these little incidents as more of a reaction due to a trauma of sorts. If you really think about it, we did traumatize ourselves by engaging in an affair. We went through extreme emotional highs and lows, we did things completely out of character for us, we accepted sub-par behavior (waaay below sub-par) and actually got excited when a silly crumb was tossed our way. And worst of all, we put ourselves at risk. Extreme risk! This is quite an assault on our system! We put ourselves through an emotional war and the memory pangs feel like a post traumatic stress reaction when they happen.

When we've finally come back to our senses - we are so SHOCKED at what we allowed to happen - these memories have an impact. We do things in an affair that we would normally find appalling if we had knowledge of someone else doing them. Ugh! It's bound to create a reaction in us for a long time to come.

Thanks again for clarifying tigercub. I know exactly what you are talking about and I'm not more advanced in my recovery at all. Pretty much in the same place.

Betterdeal, I hear what you are saying, but have to disagree. It isn't something wrong with us in an unresolved issue way; it's more of a reaction due to the extreme duress we put on our emotional system. It's hard to understand unless you've been in an affair. You made good points though.

I could have put the whole thing in bold!

What you wrote Spice, makes so much sense, you helped articulate what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking so much better than I did, even with my fancy pee example

Thank you and I know that you feel you're not advanced in your recovery, but at least getting out and being inquisitive about what happened, why it happened, what you now need, what you want and don't want are huge steps - don't lose sight of that!

January 5, 2012

Hey TC, great thread!

What I'm finding more over the last few days is the anger is within me because of the vulnerability I allowed myself to have when I was connecting with xMW for a year, something that grew to such a strong and deep connection was traded for one night with her and quite frankly, I felt abandoned afterwards the first few months in NC.

But what really amazes me is I don't really understand why I feel that, I was never with her to be begin with, why should I feel abandoned? Because I miss the fantasy of her? because I thought at that point, she really was going to go forward beyond the small separation they had and actually divorce.

Of course, I realize it really was for the best we didn't end up together, I don't know how it could have worked giving the circumstances.

The hypothetical version of what could have happened is something that angers me as well, it's not real but it does enter my dreams, more frequently lately and I'm really working hard to decipher why.

I know that I have to understand why so I can finally be in a healthy long-term relationship for once.

-FC

Hey FC

The feelings of being abandoned by her even though deep down you know you never had her, are normal, I think.

I felt that way about xMM.

So maybe your feelings weren't so much about who had who, but maybe you felt or believed at the time that she was the one person that understood you, the one person you loved more than anything, that one special "only in the movies true love" kind of person and you felt let down that it didn't turn out that way.

Maybe it was seeing her in that fantasy light that made your expectations of her all the greater?

As for thinking about her and all that - don't beat yourself up over it, and don't feel bad about it. I went through that, and I still sometimes think of him.

I even wrote a thread about it here, because I thought it was weird - like, OMG the A is over why do I think of him all the time, and its not even in a romantic way, but there he is in my mind?!

The truth of that is, its because what you went through together was intense, all the emotions, the love, the hurt, the frustration, the ecstasy, the doubt - all of that was real and it takes so much time to process something like that.

That's what I'm chalking up most of my residual emotions and thoughts of the A to - the fact that its not all done processing, and I'm not all done completely healing and forgiving myself - but I will be in time, and so will you

January 6, 2012

TigerClub,

I'm amazed at how similar we feel in terms of exMW/exMM's and the emotions involved, I believe in my journey of healing every piece of the puzzle helps me see more clearly where I was and where I am.

Thank you so much for posting those words, it's hard to explain but you've articulated quite a bit of what I perhaps couldn't see at the time when she & I were deep into it.

One thing that really hit me hard was how you describe the fantasy and living up to it, she had mentioned directly after we met up and several months later in her e-mail, how she 'let me down,' a number of times and I didn't understand what that meant.

I think it's possible she knew how I viewed her & how she viewed me, it was fantasy on both our parts without really examining where we could possibly go in such a situation, no directions just walking without a real relationship goal in mind, that's what really kept everything on edge back them. Not knowing.

That's why it hit me hard thinking about those words, there was just so much tied into it, that it blinded what I couldn't see was directly in front of me over a year ago.

Again, thank you very much my dear, that really hurt & cheered me up reading your response.

And yes, we will heal, today and everyday after this we start living life to the fullest!

-FC

Edited January 6, 2012 by FightClub

January 6, 2012

I don't think I was ever angry/mad at AP.

My shi!t stems from my actions, and the fact that this should never have taken place. I'm angry at myself for not being able to realize how much it would affect not only my life, but others' as well.

I know life goes on, and I will eventually get past this, but it will ALWAYS be there. It shouldn't define who I will be from here on out... but it sure is the reason for this "new" me I keep talking about.- NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!

January 6, 2012

TigerClub,

I'm amazed at how similar we feel in terms of exMW/exMM's and the emotions involved, I believe in my journey of healing every piece of the puzzle helps me see more clearly where I was and where I am.

Thank you so much for posting those words, it's hard to explain but you've articulated quite a bit of what I perhaps couldn't see at the time when she & I were deep into it.

One thing that really hit me hard was how you describe the fantasy and living up to it, she had mentioned directly after we met up and several months later in her e-mail, how she 'let me down,' a number of times and I didn't understand what that meant.

I think it's possible she knew how I viewed her & how she viewed me, it was fantasy on both our parts without really examining where we could possibly go in such a situation, no directions just walking without a real relationship goal in mind, that's what really kept everything on edge back them. Not knowing.

Wow, I remember thinking that same thing when I was in the midst of it.

There's a song called Angels (by Dirty Money), I used to listen to it and think of him (even during the A, it would make me cry) - because there's a few lines in it that rang so true

"I'm not afraid to go down the road, where we go, I don't know, you can hear them calling don't you?

when the angels call like

yo' if you don't wanna stay you can go

but since love don't live here no more

the angels are flying so low

singing to you"

the rest of the song would just also remind me of him, but it is that line about going down the road, and not knowing where it is, but still willing to walk that road with them, rang so true to the situation, and from what you described it seems like that's exactly what your heart was telling you too.

That's why it hit me hard thinking about those words, there was just so much tied into it, that it blinded what I couldn't see was directly in front of me over a year ago.

Again, thank you very much my dear, that really hurt & cheered me up reading your response.

And yes, we will heal, today and everyday after this we start living life to the fullest!

-FC

You're very welcome FC. I'm glad that whatever my experiences have taught me can provide you with any helpful insight.

***HUGS***

January 10, 2012

I just wanted to thank you again TigerCub. My venting in this thread sparked off all kinds of revelations! I think I am finally on the road to forgiveness.

January 11, 2012

I just wanted to thank you again TigerCub. My venting in this thread sparked off all kinds of revelations! I think I am finally on the road to forgiveness.

You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything, you did all the work and self examination Spice. I just saw your other thread and I'm so very happy that you've found peace finally and are able to forgive yourself.

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