Anger

[TigerCub]

I was reading Fight Club's thread about his anger and irritation and as someone that's been there I can certainly relate.

 

After all this time and all the changes in my life (for the better) - I still get angry when I think of the A.

 

I get angry at him for lying but mostly I get angry at me - for:

 

- Being 28/29 and still falling for lines. Still having something as effortless as a text that says "Thinking of you and wishing you were here" make my heart skip and make me all giddy, when I'd get it late at night from a guy that's sleeping next to his girlfriend

 

- Angry that he never told me they were together from the start. How I wish he had said that he had a girlfriend - I've turned down PLENTY of attached men and told off more than a few for even suggesting getting involved with me - but because they were "separated" and they weren't married to beginwith (so no divorce papers to see), I let my guard down and he weaseled his way in. How I wish he would have told me they were together, because then NOTHING at all would have happened.

 

- Angry for being trusting and wanting to believe the best in someone when all evidence was to the contrary.

 

- Angry that this series of very bad very selfish and very hurtful choices made me into someone I thought I'd never be.

 

- Angry that there were never any consequences to his actions (for him) - true there was no Dday and true, I could have contacted her if I wanted, but I decided to just take the high road and move on with my life and do better.

 

- Angry that I let him treat me in such a way that I would never let anyone treat me.

 

But after all that anger, I think, well I'm glad I didn't sleep with him, I'm glad I got out before wasting years and years on him, I'm glad I moved on, I'm glad I'm with the man I'm with now. I know that there is so much in my life that I'm grateful and glad for, but that anger is really hard to lose permanently.

 

In all honesty, I think my anger stems from the fact that I can never fully forgive myself for my part in all this, because, I not only greatly wronged myself, I wronged her, and she doesn't even know

 

...so for the "angry" on occasion people here, what makes you angry about the A?

[2sunny]

That I missed the red flags for months and believed he loved me. After 20 years of M - thinking it was good/great - the love was all a lie.

 

I regret wasting 23 years on an illusion that someone loved me. He only lives himself.

 

I have my self respect and have learned that my happiness isn't based on anything or anyone outside of myself.

[TigerCub]

That I missed the red flags for months and believed he loved me. After 20 years of M - thinking it was good/great - the love was all a lie.

 

That really must have hurt. I'm sorry 2Sunny.

 

I regret wasting 23 years on an illusion that someone loved me. He only lives himself.

 

I have my self respect and have learned that my happiness isn't based on anything or anyone outside of myself.

 

That in bold is such a valuable realization to make. I find that it usually comes after experiencing a deep pain/loss, but it is still worth learning, IMO at least.

 

Thanks for sharing

[Hazyhead]

I used to get angry at him, about a year or so ago. Angry for misleading me; angry for making promises he didn't keep; angry that he made me seem the bunny boiler when it was him that kept pushing it... Angry for carrying on his life. Or so I thought. Even angry at his wife for forgiving him.

 

Now I no longer feel any anger towards him, or her (obviously). Like you, Tiger, when it comes it is only directed towards myself. Ultimately, I allowed everything, regardless of what he did.

 

All those things you feel angry about TC, and you 2sunny, they help make you into the strong person you now are. Sure, anger helps us learn and grow. Feel it but continue using it for good.

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I've been there and there comes a time when you have to forgive yourself. You can't undo the mistakes you made, but you can learn from them and make better choices with the knowledge and insight you gained.

 

Thanks SIT

For the most part, I'm not thinking about the A. I'm just being me and living my life but yeah when I think of it I do get angry and I hope that one day I can fully move past what I had done.

 

I definitely try to see things as you wrote above.

 

Thanks

[TigerCub]

I used to get angry at him, about a year or so ago. Angry for misleading me; angry for making promises he didn't keep; angry that he made me seem the bunny boiler when it was him that kept pushing it... Angry for carrying on his life. Or so I thought. Even angry at his wife for forgiving him.

 

I think if I had experienced a Dday, I would so certainly have felt the things you described above - no question about that.

 

Now I no longer feel any anger towards him, or her (obviously). Like you, Tiger, when it comes it is only directed towards myself. Ultimately, I allowed everything, regardless of what he did.

That's totally it. Even if he was the devil and manipulated this whole thing, we still had our free will and choices, and that's why there's that anger at ourselves. There comes a point where there is no one else to blame for the situations we get ourselves into.

 

but.....

 

All those things you feel angry about TC, and you 2sunny, they help make you into the strong person you now are. Sure, anger helps us learn and grow. Feel it but continue using it for good.

 

then we try to learn and turn that anger into what's in bold above!!

 

Honestly, the anger isn't getting in the way of living my life, but its there on occasion.

 

The good news is - I certainly learned a lot, not just about me, but relationships and people in general.

 

Thanks for your insight and support Hazy

[Hazyhead]

I forgot that you didn't experience Dday. It certainly gives anger a focus when it does happen so I can imagine without it the anger can feel a bit... muted? Tiger I think you come across as remarkably well-grounded and don't seem jaded by something that taints so many so allow your anger but don't let it pull you down. Forgive yourself.

[LadyGrey]

I so understand where you are coming from as the anger has been my biggest struggle. Anger at everyone and probably more myself for being such a fool.

 

 

A year and 1/2 out and I still feel it at times, although it is not nearly as much in the forefront as it was when it was fresh, but yet sometimes it's still pure rage. It bothers me greatly and it makes me feel as if I'm still stuck in a way. If it weren't for the anger phase, I would feel that I've worked through all of it.

 

I wish I had the magic cure and if I find it, I will share with you and if you find it, please share with me.

 

Hugs!

[2sunny]

I was mad at ME - for not recognizing what I should have seen 25 years ago:

 

He's not the man I thought he COULD be!

[TigerCub]

I forgot that you didn't experience Dday. It certainly gives anger a focus when it does happen so I can imagine without it the anger can feel a bit... muted? Tiger I think you come across as remarkably well-grounded and don't seem jaded by something that taints so many so allow your anger but don't let it pull you down. Forgive yourself.

 

I honestly don't know if having a dday would have given my anger a forum so to speak, cuz I wrote the letter, I expressed my thoughts and the way I perceived things. I had my say.

 

I think its more about the fact that I hardly ever judge people and I live by the motto of "do whatever the hell you wanna do as long as you're not hurting someone" - and I broke my own motto.

 

That's why I kept the thought of her as an abstract in my mind. She wasn't a real person more than a mere obstacle. If I had known her, I wouldn't have done this.

 

I dunno, I think I just can't fully forgive myself because I broke my own rules, and I'm better than that, but what I have done is on my record now (to me at least) - it can't be taken back.

 

I know, I know, I can't change it, learn from it, move on - I do that, I really do, but on those few particular days, its harder.

 

Thanks so much Hazy. You too have gone through, oh so much and your experience and support means a lot

[TigerCub]

I so understand where you are coming from as the anger has been my biggest struggle. Anger at everyone and probably more myself for being such a fool.

 

 

A year and 1/2 out and I still feel it at times, although it is not nearly as much in the forefront as it was when it was fresh, but yet sometimes it's still pure rage. It bothers me greatly and it makes me feel as if I'm still stuck in a way. If it weren't for the anger phase, I would feel that I've worked through all of it.

 

Do you feel stuck because of the anger, or is it just that the whole experience maybe made you more pessimistic about relationships and loyalty, real love, etc... (I ask, mainly cuz I was a cynic and the experience made it even harder to believe)

 

I wish I had the magic cure and if I find it, I will share with you and if you find it, please share with me.

 

Hugs!

 

You bet...I'd definitely share with you

 

Thanks for the support and input.

 

***HUGS***

[East7]

I was reading Fight Club's thread about his anger and irritation and as someone that's been there I can certainly relate.

 

After all this time and all the changes in my life (for the better) - I still get angry when I think of the A.

 

I get angry at him for lying but mostly I get angry at me - for:

 

- Being 28/29 and still falling for lines. Still having something as effortless as a text that says "Thinking of you and wishing you were here" make my heart skip and make me all giddy, when I'd get it late at night from a guy that's sleeping next to his girlfriend

 

- Angry that he never told me they were together from the start. How I wish he had said that he had a girlfriend - I've turned down PLENTY of attached men and told off more than a few for even suggesting getting involved with me - but because they were "separated" and they weren't married to beginwith (so no divorce papers to see), I let my guard down and he weaseled his way in. How I wish he would have told me they were together, because then NOTHING at all would have happened.

 

- Angry for being trusting and wanting to believe the best in someone when all evidence was to the contrary.

 

- Angry that this series of very bad very selfish and very hurtful choices made me into someone I thought I'd never be.

 

- Angry that there were never any consequences to his actions (for him) - true there was no Dday and true, I could have contacted her if I wanted, but I decided to just take the high road and move on with my life and do better.

 

- Angry that I let him treat me in such a way that I would never let anyone treat me.

 

But after all that anger, I think, well I'm glad I didn't sleep with him, I'm glad I got out before wasting years and years on him, I'm glad I moved on, I'm glad I'm with the man I'm with now. I know that there is so much in my life that I'm grateful and glad for, but that anger is really hard to lose permanently.

 

In all honesty, I think my anger stems from the fact that I can never fully forgive myself for my part in all this, because, I not only greatly wronged myself, I wronged her, and she doesn't even know

 

...so for the "angry" on occasion people here, what makes you angry about the A?

 

Tiger, sweetie, you are beating yourself too much.

 

You fell for that man because he made you feel something special, he pushed the right buttons. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you wanted to see the good in him and you wanted to comfort him. Maybe you had this protecting instinct, you wanted to save him from his insecurities.

 

We need to analyze our actions within their context. Of course it was wrong, of course you let him deceive someone else using you, but he is the first responsible for the mess, not you.

[LadyGrey]

See bolded.

 

Do you feel stuck because of the anger, or is it just that the whole experience maybe made you more pessimistic about relationships and loyalty, real love, etc... (I ask, mainly cuz I was a cynic and the experience made it even harder to believe)

 

Yes sometimes I do feel it keeps me stuck in a way and I feel that I should be over it by now. It's just the anger that keeps me attached to it because the feelings for him died very quickly when I saw what a sob he was/is and I feel I've worked on myself and I own my own part in what happened. The only residual thing is still the anger. Uggg!

 

You bet...I'd definitely share with you

 

Thanks for the support and input.

 

***HUGS***

[TigerCub]

Tiger, sweetie, you are beating yourself too much.

 

You fell for that man because he made you feel something special, he pushed the right buttons. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you wanted to see the good in him and you wanted to comfort him. Maybe you had this protecting instinct, you wanted to save him from his insecurities.

 

We need to analyze our actions within their context. Of course it was wrong, of course you let him deceive someone else using you, but he is the first responsible for the mess, not you.

 

HI East

 

Thanks for your input on this.

I know that what you're saying is right. And on most days, I do feel that way, but yeah, I guess some days can't escape the guilt and anger I feel - but I have learned a lot from it, and all I can do is move on, I know that.

 

HUGS

[TigerCub]

i liked your post and i am glad too you did not waste years on him. could you image wasting years on someone married and thinking he was going to get a divorce 'one day'?

 

forgive yourself. be happy that you are in a much better place. be happy that you have given yourself to someone new in your life. be happy that your future isn't about waiting for a mm to get divorced or leave or whatever.

 

happy new year.

 

Thanks Hockeyfan .

 

Yeah of all the things in this A, I'm really glad that I got out when I did. I would hate to have wasted years just waiting and hurting like nothing I've felt before in my life.

 

I'm not saying this to knock anyone that's waited or is still waiting, I just know that it was so painful and for me, I'm glad I got out.

 

Happy New Year to you too - I wish you all the best

[TigerCub]

See bolded.

 

I think if I had to describe where I am, it would be with what you said...

 

"Yes sometimes I do feel it keeps me stuck in a way and I feel that I should be over it by now. It's just the anger that keeps me attached to it because the feelings for him died very quickly when I saw what a sob he was/is and I feel I've worked on myself and I own my own part in what happened. The only residual thing is still the anger. Uggg! "

 

but I don't consider myself stuck really, because I am in a relationship now and things are good, so I was obviously able to open up again and try.

 

But I would say that all that is left is the anger and disappointment mostly in myself - sure, some of it is directed at him, but mostly at me.

 

I totally get what you're saying.

 

Thanks for sharing LadyGrey and I hope that soon you will find yourself unstuck

[Hazyhead]

Thanks Hockeyfan .

 

Yeah of all the things in this A, I'm really glad that I got out when I did. I would hate to have wasted years just waiting and hurting like nothing I've felt before in my life.

 

I'm not saying this to knock anyone that's waited or is still waiting, I just know that it was so painful and for me, I'm glad I got out.

 

Happy New Year to you too - I wish you all the best

 

Hi Tiger. What you have just written made so much sense to me. This is exactly how I feel/felt. XMM in my sitch is still separated and trying to work out the D, but it doesn't really go anywhere... Point is I don't want to put my life on hold any longer. I can't. I'm at a point in my life where I want to settle down and think about family, which I think I'd be mad to sacrifice for a chance with one guy, who may not even be able. I want more and have to live my life with the facts I have in front of me: he is still married.

 

So onwards I go! Thanks for your words of wisdom

[TigerCub]

Hi Tiger. What you have just written made so much sense to me. This is exactly how I feel/felt. XMM in my sitch is still separated and trying to work out the D, but it doesn't really go anywhere... Point is I don't want to put my life on hold any longer. I can't. I'm at a point in my life where I want to settle down and think about family, which I think I'd be mad to sacrifice for a chance with one guy, who may not even be able. I want more and have to live my life with the facts I have in front of me: he is still married.

 

So onwards I go! Thanks for your words of wisdom

 

Hi Hazy

 

I'm glad I can help.

Honestly, I believe that what I said, you must have already been mulling over in your mind - you're a smart girl, but your feelings are getting in the way of your logic. (not meant as a bad thing, but it does complicate decisions )

 

This actually reminds me of the show Californication.

A woman was having an affair with a married man for years and he wont leave his wife, he keeps saying the usual bull**** - and yeah the woman looks to be in her mid/late 30s.

The David Duchovny's character ends up arguing with the married man and at one point says

 

"If you want something on the side, fine I can get that, but to string a woman along for the majority of her childbearing years is just not cool"

 

....and although its a show, that, right there is very very true and unfortunate.

 

Make your dreams come true Hazy

Edited December 30, 2011 by TigerCub

[skylarblue]

Things that made me angry about the A are really more so about MM. I’m angry at: 1) the fact that MM never really took any responsible in the R as a couple 2) his inability to “get it” when discussing my emotions and the problems with our R 3) his “I’m the good guy” and “it’s everyone else” attitudes 4) MM’s tendency to not keep his word. I don’t feel any anger towards myself. I think it’s because I knew being in the A was wrong, and just believe in a situation like that, you get what you get (much like life in general). I would say I’m more regretful and remorseful than angry at myself and for the pain I’ve caused. I think it’s more beneficial than being angry.

 

They say anger is not really anger. It’s the outward expression of hurt, fear, or frustration, and I believe it’s true. What I consider anger towards MM is really hurt and frustration. Maybe you should reevaluate your anger and see if it applies. Maybe it will be helpful.

[spice4life]

Great thread tigercub.

 

I, like you, get angry at myself more than anything else. 1) I get angry that I ignored the huge red flags that were not only in front of me, but actually beating me in the face. 2) that I was SOOO clueless that I completely disrespected myself. 3) that I allowed myself to hold onto hope when in reality there was absolutely none being offered. 4) that I built up this fantasy in my head when the reality was telling me otherwise. 5) for hanging onto the affair fog waaay beyond it's expiration date when I KNEW what the reality was! 6) and more importantly, that it was the most genuine LOVE I've ever felt, which ultimately resulted in the biggest relationship heartbreak of my life...and it was all with someone who was committed to someone else! 7) and last but NOT LEAST, that I was soooo stupid for allowng it to happen at all! ...and for not sticking to my guns in the beginning and walking away!

 

Thanks again for posting this thread, tigercub. I've never put these feelings in writing and doing so now feels so cathardic (sp?)!!

 

With all that said, the whole experience sparked off my own incredible inner journey that has brought me to the best place I've ever been in my life. I am so at peace with myself now and have such clarity about what is truly important in life. I am excited, know who I am and what I want and looking forward to future possibilities more than ever before. It's a nice place to be...that's fo sho.

 

I guess, if I really think about it, I have used the anger about the whole situation for something constructive like finally living my life and enjoying and appreciating who I have become.

[Confused4Now]

Great thread tigercub.

 

I, like you, get angry at myself more than anything else. 1) I get angry that I ignored the huge red flags that were not only in front of me, but actually beating me in the face. 2) that I was SOOO clueless that I completely disrespected myself. 3) that I allowed myself to hold onto hope when in reality there was absolutely none being offered. 4) that I built up this fantasy in my head when the reality was telling me otherwise. 5) for hanging onto the affair fog waaay beyond it's expiration date when I KNEW what the reality was! 6) and more importantly, that it was the most genuine LOVE I've ever felt, which ultimately resulted in the biggest relationship heartbreak of my life...and it was all with someone who was committed to someone else! 7) and last but NOT LEAST, that I was soooo stupid for allowng it to happen at all! ...and for not sticking to my guns in the beginning and walking away!

 

Thanks again for posting this thread, tigercub. I've never put these feelings in writing and doing so now feels so cathardic (sp?)!!

 

With all that said, the whole experience sparked off my own incredible inner journey that has brought me to the best place I've ever been in my life. I am so at peace with myself now and have such clarity about what is truly important in life. I am excited, know who I am and what I want and looking forward to future possibilities more than ever before. It's a nice place to be...that's fo sho.

 

I guess, if I really think about it, I have used the anger about the whole situation for something constructive like finally living my life and enjoying and appreciating who I have become.

ditto ditto ditto ditto!!!!

[TigerCub]

Things that made me angry about the A are really more so about MM. I’m angry at: 1) the fact that MM never really took any responsible in the R as a couple 2) his inability to “get it” when discussing my emotions and the problems with our R 3) his “I’m the good guy” and “it’s everyone else” attitudes 4) MM’s tendency to not keep his word. I don’t feel any anger towards myself. I think it’s because I knew being in the A was wrong, and just believe in a situation like that, you get what you get (much like life in general). I would say I’m more regretful and remorseful than angry at myself and for the pain I’ve caused. I think it’s more beneficial than being angry.

 

They say anger is not really anger. It’s the outward expression of hurt, fear, or frustration, and I believe it’s true. What I consider anger towards MM is really hurt and frustration. Maybe you should reevaluate your anger and see if it applies. Maybe it will be helpful.

 

Thanks for sharing Skylar.

The one thing I don't really get is this thought : You say that you don't feel anger at yourself because you knew getting into the A was wrong (I can certainly understand that) - but why doesn't that logic also work to absolve MM in your mind? - Its an honest question, I really don't mean to pick on you - but it strikes me as a little odd that you're using the the "An A was wrong, you get what you get" to not have any inward consequences with yourself, but he's getting all your anger for being an adulterer, acting shady, lying, not owning his actions, etc... but that is what happens in an A usually? - no...

you get what you get...

[TigerCub]

Great thread tigercub.

 

I, like you, get angry at myself more than anything else. 1) I get angry that I ignored the huge red flags that were not only in front of me, but actually beating me in the face. 2) that I was SOOO clueless that I completely disrespected myself. 3) that I allowed myself to hold onto hope when in reality there was absolutely none being offered. 4) that I built up this fantasy in my head when the reality was telling me otherwise. 5) for hanging onto the affair fog waaay beyond it's expiration date when I KNEW what the reality was! 6) and more importantly, that it was the most genuine LOVE I've ever felt, which ultimately resulted in the biggest relationship heartbreak of my life...and it was all with someone who was committed to someone else! 7) and last but NOT LEAST, that I was soooo stupid for allowng it to happen at all! ...and for not sticking to my guns in the beginning and walking away!

 

Thanks again for posting this thread, tigercub. I've never put these feelings in writing and doing so now feels so cathardic (sp?)!!

 

Thanks for sharing Spiced. Everything you wrote is exactly there on my list in its own way.

 

Although our lists seem long, I think its for the best that we learned all these lessons. Too bad it was the hard way, too bad we got our hearts broken and felt all the pain we did, but I do believe that one of the few good things to come of it is teaching us more about ourselves, especially when we bounce back and move on to better things.

 

With all that said, the whole experience sparked off my own incredible inner journey that has brought me to the best place I've ever been in my life. I am so at peace with myself now and have such clarity about what is truly important in life. I am excited, know who I am and what I want and looking forward to future possibilities more than ever before. It's a nice place to be...that's fo sho.

 

I guess, if I really think about it, I have used the anger about the whole situation for something constructive like finally living my life and enjoying and appreciating who I have become.

 

I'm very happy for you that you are in such a more fantastic place now. I'm not completely at peace with myself about the whole thing, and I know that I need to forgive myself. I do know though, that I am a good person, I'm a strong person, and honest person and I ****ed up in the worst possible way, but that's life, ya live, ya learn...I will get to complete inner peace some day, I know it.

 

Again...very happy to see all the strides you've made and that you're much happier now

[RickFox]

Wow, I think I've come a long way from when I first posted here...Ive made progress but Im not done. I still go through the phases, sometimes some more than others.

 

Im angry at myself for even doing what I did. Im angry at her for doing what she did, for stepping outside of her marriage, approaching me to step out of mine, and for me sacrificing everything Ive ever stood for ...for what? I thought I found that person who was amazing, who I connected with more than any other in a long long time and I learn the hard way that actions speak louder than words. Im angry for not recognizing the signs that it wasn't going to go anywhere more than where it was...not seeing the signs, for ignoring them....for hurting my wife to a degree I'd never even imagined and for still thinking of my xMW more often than I should.

 

Im saddened by how xMW has handled things, how immature she has acted since it all ended, how she called me a stalker when Id done nothing of the sort yet she has continually checked for my facebook page if I take it off private and texted me about it even though she told me to leave her alone which Ive done. She has made me into the bad guy to make it easier for her I guess, she has gone on with her husband having no knowledge of what occurred and it doesn't seem to bother her at all as she continues on with life. So I do the best I can to focus on making my wife happy, to show her that we can make it, that I can be a good husband, even though I haven't been.

 

Most of the time I go on with no major issues, thoughts of xMW come and go, far less often than before, but there are days or times where they are stronger and I must push them from my head. I have come to the realization that I can sit around and try to find reasons as to why she did what she did, treated me like she has, but it does me no good, it causes more problems and wastes my energy ....so I try and focus on everything else, and yet, Im human and slip...but now I catch myself when Im slippin'.

[skylarblue]

Thanks for sharing Skylar.

The one thing I don't really get is this thought : You say that you don't feel anger at yourself because you knew getting into the A was wrong (I can certainly understand that) - but why doesn't that logic also work to absolve MM in your mind? - Its an honest question, I really don't mean to pick on you - but it strikes me as a little odd that you're using the the "An A was wrong, you get what you get" to not have any inward consequences with yourself, but he's getting all your anger for being an adulterer, acting shady, lying, not owning his actions, etc... but that is what happens in an A usually? - no...

you get what you get...

 

As I said, I’m not angry at MM. What I described as “anger” is my hurt and frustration from the actions described by MM who I believe loves me. I have no ill feelings towards MM. I may not like things he’s done, but I don’t hate him nor am I angry with him. We are still friends. We talk regularly. We still discuss the hurt and frustrations at times on both our parts. I’m not angry at him for being an adulterer. I don’t think he is shady (no more than the “normal” cheater I guess). I don’t think he lied to me in the since of stringing me along. MM was very upfront with me. I can’t be and I’m not angry at him, no more than I am at myself. If I found out that all the wonderful things I believed about MM was untrue, I still don’t believe I’d have the right to be angry. Victims have the right to get angry; I’m not a victim. Nor is anyone who think an A is wrong, but continue or get started in one regardless of what was first believed. No slight towards anyone. Affairs are deceitful. Therefore, you get what you get and shouldn’t be too surprised at anything regardless of what you believed IMO. But I still believe I have the right to feel hurt or frustrated by MM, and I still think “anger” towards myself is pointless for me. Anger is destructive when turned inward. I find regret and remorse instead of anger is more helpful and positive in my case. It doesn’t absolve me in responsibility. It makes me face responsibility.