Author samsungxoxo Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 He has to know you are hot for him. Kiss him, slap his butt, eye his package while smiling. Saying you can't wait to get him naked soon. That kind of stuff.Isn't that just doing the opposite? By doing that he's gonna think I'm ready.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I do have respect for men but not when some of you expect us to put out in one month or less as shown in Hollywood movies. You make that sound as if Hollywood is setting unrealistic expectations, but it isn't. I don't expect or pressure for early sex and usually let the woman make the first moves, and using this approach has led to my last two long-term girlfriends wanting to escalate three weeks in (current) and four weeks in (previous). However, I do tend to go for socially liberal women, and being open with sexuality usually comes along with that personality type.
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Isn't that just doing the opposite? By doing that he's gonna think I'm ready. If you clearly communicate, in general terms, your perspective surrounding sex and intimacy, then he will see your actions as confirmation of your words. Example (not advice): 'I enjoy physical intimacy and touching, along with emotional intimacy, in my relationships. Historically, I've been sexually intimate with women a few months after dating because it takes me time to feel sufficiently connected to them to be sexual with them. How do you feel about that?' Then, actions reflect words. If there is synergy, the dynamic progresses. If not, it ends.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Isn't that just doing the opposite? By doing that he's gonna think I'm ready. He's going to think whatever you tell him--so flirt, but tell him why you're waiting, and then he won't think you're ready. At least then he won't think you have hangups about sex that are highly likely to persist into a committed relationship--which by everything I can tell from what you've said in this thread, you do indeed have hangups that will linger. You haven't said anything in the entire thread that leads me to believe you're in touch with your own sexuality or that you feel much or any desire for it, but obviously you know yourself better than I can from my extremely limited exposure to your mindset.
musemaj11 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Same goes in reverse - NO guy has to spend money on dating if he does not believe in it, just because there have been traditional societal pressures to do so. If you only want to pay for a date after you are having regular sex with a girl, that is not a problem. If you ALWAYS want to go dutch, that is not a problem, and if you require that a woman pay for everything for you, that isn't a problem either, AS LONG AS YOU FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE ON THE SAME PROGRAM WITH YOU. Trying to "force" others to conform to your beliefs in these ways is wrong, and so is going belly-up on your own beliefs in order to be a people pleaser. But you were the one who chose to downplay men's concern of getting taken advantage of monetarily while hyping up women's concern of getting taken advantage of sexually. And you talk so easy about how a woman should jump into bed right away. Suppose the woman does likes you and puts out very fast (in your timeframe you expected) but for some reason it doesn't work out, you dumped her and within a short time already bang another woman. You have no idea what's that like to us. To me that would be getting used. Not wrong with protecting myself over that. I never said that women should jump into bed quickly if they dont want to. I was just saying that most women go up in arms over being expected to put out fast while on the other hand they lose interest if a guy won't wine and dine them because they expect him to. So they are upset being expected to do something but have no problem expecting something.
PlumPrincess Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Yeah you women talk so easy about money because you have never walked in a man's shoe. You have never had to gather your courage to ask out a person you like and spend your hard-earned money on that person in order to impress her for the hope that that person might like you back only to find out that person disappears soon after and you have to repeat the same routine over and over again. This maybe the first time that one of you guys wrote something that made me understand your point of view. It does sound awfully frustrating...
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 While I made the distinction decades ago, as musemaj11 explains so well, explains, metaphorically, how *some* men offer their life's work and self up to women for their approval and love. Is such less and less the case with the passing of the generations? Apparently. Concurrently, with the advent of modern birth control and 'free love', fewer women make men 'wait' for sex, hence more men are unwilling to wait.
TLCbear Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 proceeding towards intimacy (mainly sex) esp during a relationship? I'm not a man, but would like to respond. 2-3 months I think would be good. The main thing for me is sexual compatibility. I really wouldn't want to wait longer than 3 months. The last guy I was intimate with was terrible and it was definitely a waste of my time.
TLCbear Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Lets get real though, most women who keep on dating a man they are not attracted to is not doing that hoping for the attraction to grow. They are doing that because they have not met the one they are truly attracted to and using the guy as a temporary filler whom she can rely on on a lonely weekend. I grew up with five women in the household. I know the game. This is true and true, lol. I have had the experience of going out with a guy hoping I would grow to be attractive to him, but after the second date, I knew it was not going to happen....but I kept going out with him because it was something to do...eventually he caught on and stop contacting me. I was actually kind of relieved.
thatone Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 This is true and true, lol. I have had the experience of going out with a guy hoping I would grow to be attractive to him, but after the second date, I knew it was not going to happen....but I kept going out with him because it was something to do...eventually he caught on and stop contacting me. I was actually kind of relieved. just as men are relieved when they 'pump and dump' women and the women don't start showing up at all hours and blowing his phone up at 3am. they're welcome to the tears as long as they keep them to themselves. as others have said, one isn't better or worse than the other, they're the same.
musemaj11 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 This maybe the first time that one of you guys wrote something that made me understand your point of view. It does sound awfully frustrating... I fail to comprehend why is it so hard for women to understand men's point of view? Most men (even the jerks) realize that women dont like to be expected to put out fast and we could see why. But why does it seem so tough on the other hand for women to see that men dont like it to be expected to spend money to wine and dine you?
Author samsungxoxo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I fail to comprehend why is it so hard for women to understand men's point of view?Same reason why it's hard for men to understand women's point of view. I'm starting to believe we're just on different planets. Most men (even the jerks) realize that women dont like to be expected to put out fast and we could see why. But why does it seem so tough on the other hand for women to see that men dont like it to be expected to spend money to wine and dine you?If it's a hassle then you might want to blame it on society/standards. There are some things that just never changed even if another 10-20 years slipped by. If a man asks the woman out, it's obviously because he is interested and trying to impress her but he does have to put some work into it. He can do it but it's when some might say lame things or don't act right that it can messed up the date.
musemaj11 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 If it's a hassle then you might want to blame it on society/standards. There are some things that just never changed even if another 10-20 years slipped by. If a man asks the woman out, it's obviously because he is interested and trying to impress her but he does have to put some work into it. He can do it but it's when some might say lame things or don't act right that it can messed up the date. Then you can also just blame society on why men expect women to put out quick. Its not going to change after 20 years slipping by either by the same logic.
ascendotum Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I'm not a man, but would like to respond. 2-3 months I think would be good. The main thing for me is sexual compatibility. I really wouldn't want to wait longer than 3 months. The last guy I was intimate with was terrible and it was definitely a waste of my time. Given sexual compatibility is important (like for me as well), I would have thought finding out within the month compared to the 3 mth mark would be the better strategy. Just curious, with your last guy, what was crap about his technique, and did you try to clue him up?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 lol what a ridiculous conversation...If you've got to wait months before having sex then you're either dating the virgin mary or completely inept on turning on a woman. I don't know man...months, what a barrel of laughs for me. Putting so much emphasis and expectation on something like sex which is just another quality of what makes you compatible with someone is absurd. If you need a man to wait several months to have sex with him then I question you just as much as the man, what do you think you're getting out of doing this? a better chance at a committed relationship? and do you even have a sex drive or know what good sex is?
Author samsungxoxo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 lol what a ridiculous conversation...If you've got to wait months before having sex then you're either dating the virgin mary or completely inept on turning on a woman.No I'm not the virgin mary. If you need a man to wait several months to have sex with him then I question you just as much as the man, what do you think you're getting out of doing this? a better chance at a committed relationship? and do you even have a sex drive or know what good sex is?If were to continue dating him then obviously it's because I'm enjoying his company and getting to know him better. We can then talk about other topics besides sex. Sex drive? Again I would have to be crazy (as in madly in love) with him and from that moment then yes... it will happen often. That's about the only time my sex drive can increase.
TLCbear Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Given sexual compatibility is important (like for me as well), I would have thought finding out within the month compared to the 3 mth mark would be the better strategy. I agree, however, everyone is different. You don't want to sleep with every guy within a month's time. Just curious, with your last guy, what was crap about his technique, and did you try to clue him up? Simple, he was small, it really didn't matter how he did it or what position, I just wasn't feeling it. Too make matters worse, he seemed quite selfish...as if I should be glad to sex him, lol...wowww. No, it didn't try to clue him up, once it over, that was it, had no intentions of seeing him again.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 No I'm not the virgin mary. If were to continue dating him then obviously it's because I'm enjoying his company and getting to know him better. We can then talk about other topics besides sex. Sex drive? Again I would have to be crazy (as in madly in love) with him and from that moment then yes... it will happen often. That's about the only time my sex drive can increase. Do you at least let him play with the cat? Yes, you know a sex drive...that thing that makes you want to have sex with another human being instead of putting it on a pedestal like it's some holy grail of love. That only shows how little you know about it. So let me tell you how it works...sex is intercourse, it helps you connect with someone on a intimate level that holding hands, kissing and slopping germs can't do. If you don't feel the desire to be with someone, it's not because you're someone who values "love" anymore than the average person...what it does mean is you're possibly asexual and in a category that is different than most of your fellow human beings. Now is this a necessarily negative thing? I guess not to you...since you're someone who wants to beat around the bush for a couple of months before you decide to do the no pants dance with someone you are supposedly into. Enjoying their company...If I'm dating someone for the sheer enjoyment of their company then that's what I would call a friend and the reason I haven't slept with this person is because I'm probably slightly repulsed or uninterested. So falling madly in love with someone without even having sex is at best to me suspicious...does this increase the chance of you having a longer or better relationship? probably not...does this mean that being a total slut is the answer? of course not, let's not exaggerate to make a point. If you've ever felt an intense connection with someone, you're not going to want to wait a few months to sleep with them and If you're able to sleep to hold out for a few months without sleeping with them then they're just friend material in my book. Bottom line...I'm glad I'm not dating you and I feel bad for the guys who do! because not only are you not going to end up with the right guy, he'll probably be a pussy. But hey! different strokes for different folks!
Author samsungxoxo Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) So falling madly in love with someone without even having sex is at best to me suspicious....That's what happened when I was with my (then bf) now ex bf. I couldn't do it when I only liked him. I don't think I'm asexual because some heavy petting, fingering and outercourse was included a couple months earlier but I just couldn't do intercourse till the 5th month. In other words, I had done the other things before moving towards sex. Edited January 9, 2012 by samsungxoxo
FredRutherford Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) Well, in my often 3rd hand and sometimes 1st hand experience, they usually are not attracted to you much, and end up putting out to someone else within a shorter timeframe. I'm sure it's not the case with OP, but of what I have observed, this tends to happen: Guy meets girl, guy likes her, girl wants to wait, guy waits, kisses and cuddles every now and then, 3 months later, she gets distant, ends up with another dude.....doesn't wait that long to put out for other dude. It's probably not a regular occurrence with you guys, but this is something I see a lot. Yes, it was likely an occurrence with some of us. I know that kind of thing happens, but it shouldn't. Not so much the sex, but the way some women treat guys during the dates, which appear to be great but then grow distant and start becoming critical of you. Or... the ones who repeatedly tell you they're "not interested in a relationship" when you try to twist their arms to get them to go out with you.... Then a friend tells you or you see them out dating others... Just shows you the ambivalence of some of the women and how they may not really be that right for you in the first place. Edited February 8, 2012 by FredRutherford
setsenia Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 My husband and I were together over a year and he waited for sex until I was 18. (He's almost 6 years older) Mostly to avoid issues of statutory rape. I know he was anxious, but he was very good about it.
FredRutherford Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I would wait as long as necessary. I would never pressure a girl or ask her to compromise her standards. Finding a suitable life partner does not happen very often. Sex is important, yes, but it's only about 10-15% of the equation. If it wasn't we'd all be married by now in this forum. Agree completely. Though my future wife & I got involved @3-4 mos. (12 weekend dates, right?), recently told her I would have waited if she asked me to. Not sure she believed me, but given she asked me to wait until a future weekend (were in an LDR) when I started making sexual advances toward her, methinks my actions spoke there. Neither of us were virgins, but both had limited experience. Admit, it wouldn't have been easy and I may have wanted to move the wedding date up (if she kept me at my word), and may have tried to pressure her (a little --- I'm a man with strong desires after all) -- but both of us fancied each other and wanted a real relationship. Tried to play it cool and not wreck what looked to be a great relationship by moving too fast sexually. Been there, done that. Like TheFinalWord, @30, I was looking for a life partner more than satisfying my lusts with all-too-brief pleasure... This great rock and roll song from the 1960s illustrates the points: The Shirelles - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT3LYbu6EoI
thatone Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 Do you at least let him play with the cat? Yes, you know a sex drive...that thing that makes you want to have sex with another human being instead of putting it on a pedestal like it's some holy grail of love. That only shows how little you know about it. So let me tell you how it works...sex is intercourse, it helps you connect with someone on a intimate level that holding hands, kissing and slopping germs can't do. If you don't feel the desire to be with someone, it's not because you're someone who values "love" anymore than the average person...what it does mean is you're possibly asexual and in a category that is different than most of your fellow human beings. Now is this a necessarily negative thing? I guess not to you...since you're someone who wants to beat around the bush for a couple of months before you decide to do the no pants dance with someone you are supposedly into. Enjoying their company...If I'm dating someone for the sheer enjoyment of their company then that's what I would call a friend and the reason I haven't slept with this person is because I'm probably slightly repulsed or uninterested. So falling madly in love with someone without even having sex is at best to me suspicious...does this increase the chance of you having a longer or better relationship? probably not...does this mean that being a total slut is the answer? of course not, let's not exaggerate to make a point. If you've ever felt an intense connection with someone, you're not going to want to wait a few months to sleep with them and If you're able to sleep to hold out for a few months without sleeping with them then they're just friend material in my book. Bottom line...I'm glad I'm not dating you and I feel bad for the guys who do! because not only are you not going to end up with the right guy, he'll probably be a pussy. But hey! different strokes for different folks! but expanding on your bottom line, that's what these women want. they deal with their own issues by putting sex on a pedestal to try and retain a false and imaginary sense of control. so they wind up in relationships/marriages with doormats. they get to hang on to their illusion of control indefinitely because they have men who don't mind being controlled. everyone gets what they want. even if they don't know what that is...
Onlyjonley Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I will probably get crap for this, but I have been with my boyfriend almost 8 months and we still haven't had sex. We do everything but the actual act. I decided a long time ago I didn't want to give that up until I knew there was a future with whatever guy I was dating. I know quite a few people don't think sex is a big deal and shouldn't be put on a pedestal, which is completely fine. If a girl feels comfortable with having sex on the second or third date, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's just my own personal choice and what I'm comfortable with.
Onlyjonley Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 so they wind up in relationships/marriages with doormats. they get to hang on to their illusion of control indefinitely because they have men who don't mind being controlled. everyone gets what they want. even if they don't know what that is... My boy is the farthest thing from a doormat. He is sweet, but he also puts his foot down when necessary.
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