Nexus One Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Way too many guys in society pull a f*ck and run(nail and bail), so it makes sense for women to use counter measures in order to protect themselves. You can't hold that against women, because given the way many men behave it simply makes sense for women to filter out the guys who are merely looking for a quick f*ck.
PratyekaYana Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 IMO, that's a reasonable boundary. I'd share that up front so there's no ambiguity. Absolutely. My relationship experiences thus far, both the failed and successful variety, have taught me that a major contributing factor (if not the contributing factor) to all suffering in romance is the lack of transparency in intention. Neither half of a coupling should be left questioning in what direction the other half wants to travel. Also, having been a 'cuddle bitch' a lot in my earlier life, I tend to align with phineas' perspective about intimacy. I still experience many women pursuing flirtation and emotional intimacy without any substantial interest or response in meeting my wants and needs. I think M cured me of 'cuddle bitch' tendencies, and I see those women for who they are, vampires, and move on. Firm boundaries really do work. Truer words never spoken. It still amazes me to this day how much resentment and emotional baggage I've been able to release in my dating life by simply knowing what I will and will not tolerate and holding to those standards unwaveringly.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I must say I'm very slow at this and there has to be more than just liking him on my part. If it works out, it can take about 4 months (if not, a bit more) but till then he won't get nothing beyong making-out. There's no way I would wait that long. Life's too short to spend 4 months waiting for a girl to make up her mind. "Falling in love" is an ephemeral concept...the way I see it, you either like someone or you don't, which is something that can be figured out after a couple of dates. A person who needs several months to get ready for sex strikes me as someone who is immature and who likely has hang ups about physical intimacy (which means that sex would probably be lackluster even if you are patient enough to wait).
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Way too many guys in society pull a f*ck and run(nail and bail), so it makes sense for women to use counter measures in order to protect themselves. You can't hold that against women, because given the way many men behave it simply makes sense for women to filter out the guys who are merely looking for a quick f*ck.That's correct and I will not stand getting used nor string along. A man bailing out after sex is the same as a man never proposing. They are the same because both of them end up getting what they wanted (free sex) while I end up receiving nothing in return (full commitment).
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 There's no way I would wait that long. Life's too short to spend 4 months waiting for a girl to make up her mind. "Falling in love" is an ephemeral concept...the way I see it, you either like someone or you don't, which is something that can be figured out after a couple of dates. A person who needs several months to get ready for sex strikes me as someone who is immature and who likely has hang ups about physical intimacy (which means that sex would probably be lackluster even if you are patient enough to wait).Interesting... I see it as immature someone that has no real commitment plans in the near future but only wants free sex. I like Justin Timberlake and always had a crush on him but does this mean I'm ready to have sex with him? Nope, I don't know who he is as a person. He is a known celebrity but is a complete stranger to me. That's how I see it.
PratyekaYana Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Yes that's how we feel in general. The only women that don't feel that way would be hookers or those into other lifestyles. IMO sex isn't just a physical act done to satisfy yourself. The man would have to prove he's someone I can trust and he believes in getting getting married too (not just strings me along to have free sex). I don't wanna waste my time dating yrs and nothing either. If he's just into fling, casual dating or only wants a relationship but no marriage, there is no point. I would be wasting my time and definitely feel used, taken for a total fool. So to us in order to have sex that's like saying: Ok tell me a good reason why I should trust you and open up.... you obviously have to be convincing and with enough proof. Your perspective seems reasonable enough to me. Sex for you is inextricably attached to the notion of commitment. I don't doubt that you enjoy the physical stimulation of sexual activity, but foremost in your mind is the intangible, the giving of yourself to another in exchange for his fidelity and affection. If the guy refuses to provide you with those things, then it is only logical that you feel apprehensive about opening yourself to him sexually. As I said before, I would be willing to wait an extended amount of time if my connection to a woman like you were strong enough, but I would still be sexually active (and honest about it) with others until she and I closed the gap so to speak.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Interesting... I see it as immature someone that has no real commitment plans in the near future but only wants free sex. I like Justin Timberlake and always had a crush on him but does this mean I'm ready to have sex with him? Nope, I don't know who he is as a person. He is a known celebrity but is a complete stranger to me. That's how I see it. "Free sex"? It seems that you are implying that sex is supposed to be some kind of a reward for men, instead of a mutually enjoyed activity. If you don't enjoy sex, you partner probably would not enjoy it either. Also, your statement about your boyfriend's boner is quite bizarre and seems to suggest you have certain hangups about physical intimacy. Did you seriously not know that erection is a completely involuntary reaction on a man's part?? It's not like we have a mental switch that turns it on and off...lol. A man can no more control his boner than a woman can control her period.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Also, your statement about your boyfriend's boner is quite bizarre and seems to suggest you have certain hangups about physical intimacy. Did you seriously not know that erection is a completely involuntary reaction on a man's part?? It's not like we have a mental switch that turns it on and off...lol. A man can no more control his boner than a woman can control her period. Her response after I pointed this out made me realize she didn't mean his boner would have been off-putting when they were dating early on, but him referring to it as he did later would have been off-putting, which makes sense.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Also, your statement about your boyfriend's boner is quite bizarre and seems to suggest you have certain hangups about physical intimacy. Did you seriously not know that erection is a completely involuntary reaction on a man's part?? It's not like we have a mental switch that turns it on and off...lol. A man can no more control his boner than a woman can control her period.At the time nope, I thought an erection mainly got obtained through a type of physical contact, porn or masturbation. However, it's been a long while now that I'm aware it's involuntary. I was maining referring to if he had told me about his want that very same day (when I wasn't yet his gf) then it would be a turn-off. Same as if I were mentioning commitment and marriage on a date. As much as I look further to that and it's important, I won't have to make it too obvious either as most would then probably run down the hill.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Her response after I pointed this out made me realize she didn't mean his boner would have been off-putting when they were dating early on, but him referring to it as he did later would have been off-putting, which makes sense. Talking about one's boner with someone you just started dating would not be in good taste, I'd give her that. But her reaction is still very odd. Her exact words were "needless to say how was I suppose to know at the time it was involuntary?" How can a 25 year old woman be so clueless about the male physiology? See, this just fuels me suspicion that women who want to wait a long time before sex either have hangups about physical intimacy or simply don't have a healthy sex drive. A normal woman would not want to wait 4 months for sex either...it would be pretty frustrating to intentionally restrain yourself from being intimate with someone you are attracted to for 4 months.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) Talking about one's boner with someone you just started dating would not be in good taste, I'd give her that. But her reaction is still very odd. Her exact words were "needless to say how was I suppose to know at the time it was involuntary?" How can a 25 year old woman be so clueless about the male physiology?I'm referring to as before. I was a then 19 year-old virgin woman at the time and didn't know that much about a man's sex drive nor thoughts. I had was studying psychology and had a book on human sexuality but it's not the same as experiencing it in real life. Edited December 29, 2011 by samsungxoxo
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 proceeding towards intimacy (mainly sex) esp during a relationship? I must say I'm very slow at this and there has to be more than just liking him on my part. If it works out, it can take about 4 months (if not, a bit more) but till then he won't get nothing beyong making-out. That's just me. I don't think 1 month (like shown in movies) is enough time. But I'm getting the feeling some are impatient and would expect me to already be ready by then. I like taking my time, not being rushed. I think you will find that nearly all guys who really like you would wait. However, I would not wait a minute for women who typically jump into bed fast. If I wait for someone who doesn't make other guys wait... that makes me a worthless chump. Also, you need to make damn sure that the guy knows you are very physically attracted to him. Kissing won't do that by itself.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 her reaction is still very odd. Her exact words were "needless to say how was I suppose to know at the time it was involuntary?" How can a 25 year old woman be so clueless about the male physiology? See, this just fuels me suspicion that women who want to wait a long time before sex either have hangups about physical intimacy or simply don't have a healthy sex drive. A normal woman would not want to wait 4 months for sex either...it would be pretty frustrating to intentionally restrain yourself from being intimate with someone you are attracted to for 4 months. Most women wouldn't have any way to know erections are involuntary until one of the following happens: 1) a guy they know tells them 2) they babysit or have a male child and are shocked to find that babies or pre-pubescent boys have erections 3) they read it somewhere, which isn't common I don't have any specific reason to believe the OP has intimacy hangups, but she's clearly ultra-conservative as evidence by her proclamation that women who give it up too early are either "hookers or into other lifestyles." She's probably in the majority in that regard worldwide, although not so much in Western civilizations over the last hundred years or so. She definitely doesn't understand male libido, but most ultra-conservatives never do and protect themselves from creeps with the old "he doesn't get what he wants until I get what I want" creed, which isn't a bad one for women to protect themselves when they lack a better understanding of men.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 There are women even more demanding and conservative. How about those that are really into ''virgin till marriage'' even when the strong connection is already there? At least I'm not that extreme.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I'm referring to as before. I was a then 19 year-old virgin woman at the time and didn't know that much about a man's sex drive nor thoughts. I had was studying psychology and had a book on human sexuality but it's not the same as experiencing it in real life. Fair enough. It sounds like you were inexperienced back then and maybe still a bit inexperienced to this day (nothing wrong with that). With someone like that, I would perhaps be a little more patient, but four months is still way too long. It's not just about wasting months dating someone who may turn out to be sexually incompatible...it's also about inevitably losing interest if you let things linger for too long. You have to be aware that you will push many decent men away with such a lengthy, arbitrary waiting period (and not just those who are only interested in sex). This is especially true of men with options (the more desperate ones will be more patient). But that's not to say you should be sleeping with men on the first or second date...
Feelsgoodman Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I think you will find that nearly all guys who really like you would wait. I don't agree with this at all. I once ended things with a girl I really liked because she was taking it too slow. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to be in a long-term sexless relationship and the answer was no. I wasn't getting my physical needs satisfied, plus there was always the chance that she was just stringing me along and keeping me around until someone better fell on her radar....women do that sort of thing all the time. I didn't like the uncertainty of the situation, so I just said f*ck it...
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I don't agree with this at all. I once ended things with a girl I really liked because she was taking it too slow. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to be in a long-term sexless relationship and the answer was no. I wasn't getting my physical needs satisfied, plus there was always the chance that she was just stringing me along and keeping me around until someone better fell on her radar....women do that sort of thing all the time. I didn't like the uncertainty of the situation, so I just said f*ck it... At the minimum it tells me the girl has almost no sex drive of her own that she's capable of expressing, so I tend to agree. Many women who lack the drive do have the potential to develop it, but you never really know if it will pan out, so it's a big risk.
carhill Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 However, such a woman could be a good match for a low libido man who is fine with her style of expressing intimacy. They can still have healthy intimacy and with a sexual 'hotness' which matches their perspectives on physical intimacy. Of course, they'd need to match on other aspects of intimacy as well. If he can't fill her needs for emotional intimacy, then they could be incompatible on that level. It's all about synergy, IMO.
musemaj11 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 If you dont want me to expect you to put out then you better not expect me to spend any money on you.
silvermercy Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Sex is more than 10-15% of the equation. My GF told me that if my penis was not big enough, she would have had to end the relationship. Thankfully I am big. So sex is important to the women also. If they are not satisfied then why would they want to stay in the relationship. Bloody hell! If I was a man I would insta-dump her!
Ross MwcFan Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I'm not sure. I don't really like the idea of being months into a relationship, where myself and a woman could very possibly have developed strong feelings for each other, only to find out that we're not compatible in bed.
silvermercy Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 If you dont want me to expect you to put out then you better not expect me to spend any money on you. I would never want a man to spend any money on me (especially if he felt forced and only did it as an expectation for sex. That'd made me feel like a hooker to be honest). I can pay my own - always. So what about this scenario?
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) I would never want a man to spend any money on me (especially if he felt forced and only did it as an expectation for sex. That'd made me feel like a hooker to be honest). I can pay my own - always. So what about this scenario?This is why even the decent ones out there end up with a bad name. It's men that only do nice gestures to expect to get laid that ruins it for the real ones who are interested in committing. If having sex is the only sole reason he was dating and being ''so called nice'' then I'm doing great in withholding intimacy. He would already be showing his true colors. Edited December 29, 2011 by samsungxoxo
HughHardcastle Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 I could. Just as long as she wasn't a tease about it. As in, she starts initiating sexual physical contact (grinding on me, touching my bits, that sort of thing). Then it would probably frustrate me.
carhill Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 It might be different for the young folks here but, at my age, the *only* thing a woman can give me that my male friends can't is sex and its attendant physical affection. If it's not there, I'm having beers, shooting guns and baiting hooks with my male friends. EOS. We hug, we kiss, we tell each other we love each other and we show it, daily. Once the young men achieve meaningful and loving relationships like that, it puts the oh, ah, you and me babe women stuff in its rightful place; an important *part* of a full life. The really cool thing I've learned from this journey is that, so far, it's been pretty much a one-way street with emotional intimacy and women; not so with men. I like that. I don't feel Hoovered by men. Looking forward to seeing a two-way street with women at some point in the future, but no rush. I can wait
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