EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 To get offended by an erection--particularly from your boyfriend--is entirely the wrong reaction. Your assumption appears to be he's doing it on purpose, but he's not. Interestingly, my girlfriend is a nurse, and she didn't know this either until I told her about it. Medical professionals see them all the time during medical exams so they're very well aware of it, but my girlfriend happens to be an ER nurse and almost never sees them--I presume because whatever pain or malady generally ends a guy up in the ER has his mind so far away from the norm that sex isn't anywhere in the equation. I suspect it's common that women don't know that erections are involuntary.
Nexus One Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Would you not agree that sexual chemistry is important in any relationship? There are countless of posts/threads on this forum alone of people dicussing lack of sexual chemistry and it resulting in a poor relationship. What reason do I have to wait and hope we click sexually? What if we don't. Then what? I just wasted x amount of time for disappointment. There are many women that agree with me, too. Their sexual chemistry with a man is important for her own enjoyment. If she doesn't have any, she isn't confident in the relationship. This applies to men as well. If we don't enjoy our woman's sexual company, then what is the point? This is just one example in which waiting may not work in your favor. When I look at a woman, then I don't only see her sexual value. So I'd be willing to risk it, i.e. things possibly not working out in my favor. When I'm crushing hard, then I feel attracted to her like a iron to a magnet, so I don't how a guy who is really crushing on a woman can suddenly move away from her when she indicates she wants to wait. So I don't know why a guy would even be with a woman if he doesn't feel enough chemistry in the first place, i.e. when she's not yet putting out.
ScienceGal Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I tend to find that making out is more often enjoyed by women than by men. For me personally, if all I did was make-out, I would be bored very fast. I'm not a big fan of it, really. To me, it is a the "warm-up" round to sexual activity. If there was no sexual activity in the near future, I would not be making out with you just for the hell of it. So in the end, if I were to wait to have sex, then I would probably treat you more of a companion and not a girlfriend. There would be a very limited amount of physical intimacy between us if sex was never involved. I would also probably see much less of you, too. I don't care for making out either. I'd rather kiss other areas of the body (neck, shoulders, chest) during foreplay. I do enjoy some kissing during lovemaking, it makes me feel more connected to my partner. As far as waiting for a partner, I am a fairly sexual person. I enjoy intimacy, but only with a committed partner who I am attracted to and respect. That might take a month to figure out, or 3 months. I'm not sure I could wait for a man for more than 3 months. It's hard to say without being in the situation and knowing the details. But, it is about being with someone that is right for you, so if a guy isn't going to stick around and wait for you, just let him go.
ThaWholigan Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 When I look at a woman, then I don't only see her sexual value. So I'd be willing to risk it, i.e. things possibly not working out in my favor. When I'm crushing hard, then I feel attracted to her like a iron to a magnet, so I don't how a guy who is really crushing on a woman can suddenly move away from her when she indicates she wants to wait. So I don't know why a guy would even be with a woman if he doesn't feel enough chemistry in the first place, i.e. when she's not yet putting out. Well, in my often 3rd hand and sometimes 1st hand experience, they usually are not attracted to you much, and end up putting out to someone else within a shorter timeframe. I'm sure it's not the case with OP, but of what I have observed, this tends to happen: Guy meets girl, guy likes her, girl wants to wait, guy waits, kisses and cuddles every now and then, 3 months later, she gets distant, ends up with another dude.....doesn't wait that long to put out for other dude. It's probably not a regular occurrence with you guys, but this is something I see a lot.
zengirl Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 IMO, plenty of men will wait for sex, but not necessarily for physical intimacy/chemistry. So, it depends what you're asking them to wait for. Men want to feel wanted (so do women) even if they understand emotional/moral/philosophical/practical reasons for waiting, so it depends on whether you're allowing for SOME physical intimacy (not talking about everything but or anything, but passionate kisses, cuddly affection, etc, that makes them feel like you ARE into them in that way, just not ready yet, versus the dreaded "she's not actually attracted to me" or whatever). I don't think a few months is that big of a deal if someone really likes you, assuming you're assertive, clear, and comfortable in what you're asking for and seeking very serious relationships. Men who don't want very serious relationships won't be into it, of course. Why wait 3 months for a casual tryst?
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) This is insane for two reasons. First, men in general will often get an erection whenever they're around any attractive woman, girlfriend or not. Second, it's an involuntary reaction. To get offended by an erection--particularly from your boyfriend--is entirely the wrong reaction. Your assumption appears to be he's doing it on purpose, but he's not.This was before he was by then bf. He told months later into the relationship and said he didn't wanna say it before. But needless to say how was I suppose to know at the time it was involuntary? If a man said ''My thing is going up, I feel like having sex with you'' right away when that reaction is happening, I'm sure he would get dumped that day. It's just the way it is. That's why I stated previously how this creates a missunderstanding. I can say we're on different planets. The only thing he could do to control it is to try really hard to think about something else instead of how much he's attracted to you--such as by thinking of his grandparents, or kittens, or stellar constellations, or math equations, or whatever works for him--and that's just insane. You should WANT him to be a healthy male who is attracted to you; for you to react otherwise is unnatural. Not unprecedented--certainly many ultra-conservative types throughout history have tried to suppress their natural sexuality--but why do it?In the end you can always have self-control. That's the idea focusing on something. BTW he did it pretty good because I would have never found out if he didn't told me. Example: I adore chocolate and other foods but my allergy prevents me from eating them. I know there are days that I feel like trying them out but I get reminded of my allergy. Just like I have self-control for this, he can have control his sex drive too and not act on it. Edited December 29, 2011 by samsungxoxo
Nexus One Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 he can have control his sex drive too and not act on it. True, he can choose not to act on his boner, HOWEVER a man can't hardly control having a boner. Even though it can be done, it involves thinking about some pretty horrible things, like thinking about putting your d*ck in a meat grinder or slicer and even then success is not guaranteed.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Example: I adore chocolate and other foods but my allergy prevents me from eating them. I know there are days that I feel like trying them out but I get reminded of my allergy. Just like I have self-control for this, he can have control his sex drive too and not act on it. The difference is that addiction is mostly mental; testosterone creates a physical need. Men can get addicted to sex the way you're addicted to chocolate, but on top of their addiction, their body screams at them to do it separately from the addiction. The best way I can describe it for a woman is to liken it to hunger pangs. Yes, you enjoy chocolate, but if you're just plain hungry, it's not the same as craving chocolate--it hurts. A man's sex drive isn't just a desire for pleasure, it's his body giving him a sensation that compels him onwards whether he wants it or not. Luckily, a man's physical drive for sex doesn't feel as unpleasant as hunger pangs do, but if unfulfilled, it really does suck, which is what the "blue balls" concept describes. I actually love this feeling--I think that when physical sexual urge is satisfied, it's something wonderful that men get to experience but women don't. Women get to experience the wonderful sensation and the feeling of fulfillment from something they mentally crave, but they don't get to feel that physical urge that--when fulfilled regularly--is fantastic. It's sort of a double-edged sword--it's better when you're getting it and worse when you're not--but it makes me glad to be a man.
TheFinalWord Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I would wait as long as necessary. I would never pressure a girl or ask her to compromise her standards. Finding a suitable life partner does not happen very often. Sex is important, yes, but it's only about 10-15% of the equation. If it wasn't we'd all be married by now in this forum. From my perspective, sex is a skill like anything. It can be improved. How many of us were sex gods/goddesses the first time? ha I doubt anyone. So even if it isn't spectacular the first time, it can be improved through communication and practice.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 proceeding towards intimacy (mainly sex) esp during a relationship? I must say I'm very slow at this and there has to be more than just liking him on my part. If it works out, it can take about 4 months (if not, a bit more) but till then he won't get nothing beyong making-out. That's just me. I don't think 1 month (like shown in movies) is enough time. But I'm getting the feeling some are impatient and would expect me to already be ready by then. I like taking my time, not being rushed. It depends on who I am with. My last relationship, she wanted to wait 1 year before sex. I respected her choice and we waited a year. It's really not a Big issue. My earlier relationships though it's usually 2 - 3 months before we got down and dirty. But like I said, I am willing to wait. What I am NOT willing to do is no sex until marriage. What if our sex life is crap? I'm sorry I cannot be with someone when the sex is crap.
Nexus One Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I would wait as long as necessary. I would never pressure a girl or ask her to compromise her standards. Finding a suitable life partner does not happen very often. Sex is important, yes, but it's only about 10-15% of the equation. If it wasn't we'd all be married by now in this forum. From my perspective, sex is a skill like anything. It can be improved. How many of us were sex gods/goddesses the first time? ha I doubt anyone. So even if it isn't spectacular the first time, it can be improved through communication and practice. Seconded. .
colliejoanie Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 OP, I don't know how young you are, but it sounds like you're pretty young. And you're supposed to wait when you're young. My first boyfriend waited for a year!!! But that was my high school sweetheart and I was 16 when we started dating. We were together for four years. I agree with the others, especially if you're young.....if he can't wait then it's obviously not worth it. If you're my age (30's) and you're wanting a guy to wait four months.....and YOU WANT to wait four months.....you're not into him and that's not fair to him. I can't imagine not wanting to have sex with someone I feel chemistry for.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Seconded.. Thirded. However...the gray area is what is the guy doing during that several months to a year or more when not getting sex from his girlfriend? And if the girl found out, how would it make her feel? I suspect the truth of that situation would cause most sexless romances to end.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) OP, I don't know how young you are, but it sounds like you're pretty young. And you're supposed to wait when you're young. My first boyfriend waited for a year!!! But that was my high school sweetheart and I was 16 when we started dating. We were together for four years. I agree with the others, especially if you're young.....if he can't wait then it's obviously not worth it. If you're my age (30's) and you're wanting a guy to wait four months.....and YOU WANT to wait four months.....you're not into him and that's not fair to him. I can't imagine not wanting to have sex with someone I feel chemistry for.I'm 24 (4 months shy from turning 25) years old and yes I made my ex wait for 5 months at the time. Even though I'm not a virgin no more, I still have that same mentality of not putting out unless there is a deep connection with him. That hasn't changed. Edited December 29, 2011 by samsungxoxo
PlumPrincess Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 It depends on who I am with. My last relationship, she wanted to wait 1 year before sex. I respected her choice and we waited a year. It's really not a Big issue. My earlier relationships though it's usually 2 - 3 months before we got down and dirty. But like I said, I am willing to wait. What I am NOT willing to do is no sex until marriage. What if our sex life is crap? I'm sorry I cannot be with someone when the sex is crap. A year is a lot! I really didn't know that there were guys out there who would be willing to wait that much.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 If it works out, it can take about 4 months (if not, a bit more) but till then he won't get nothing beyong making-out. Are you talking first base only, or are you open to second or third? Here's a reference to the baseball metaphors for sex for those who have forgotten or never really heard the specific acts they entail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_metaphors_for_sex I'd definitely be fine with third base for a year or more. Most women will go there but not all the way because they acknowledge the greater physical urge men feel yet want to wait for full intimacy for the same reasons you're saying you want to. If I got the vibe you're putting out here in this thread--that you don't really understand men's sex drive or that it doesn't matter to you in the slightest--I wouldn't be able to put up with it.
patagonia Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Well like some have said, 'if the chemistry is there.' In my experience it is very hard to hold back the intimacy if the chemistry is there. But yes, if I had to wait and I really thought the woman was amazing, of course. I'm never one to push sexual intimacy anyways, it just usually occurs when it's right. Don't feel pressured or think he will leave or what not. If he leaves and the others have left, too bad for them. You will find someone that will wait And for others, I love making out and I'm a man! I think it's one of the most intimate, romantic, heart felt things to be involved with. So to me, I'd put it on the same level as when comparing it to a woman's desire or feelings of making out. Pure awesomeness.
phineas Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) Well, in my often 3rd hand and sometimes 1st hand experience, they usually are not attracted to you much, and end up putting out to someone else within a shorter timeframe. I'm sure it's not the case with OP, but of what I have observed, this tends to happen: Guy meets girl, guy likes her, girl wants to wait, guy waits, kisses and cuddles every now and then, 3 months later, she gets distant, ends up with another dude.....doesn't wait that long to put out for other dude. It's probably not a regular occurrence with you guys, but this is something I see a lot. I see it alot. as i've said before, in my experience if sex doesn't happen within a month it has very rarely happened at all. These women all have the same MO. they consider "dating" to equal sex and consider us "talking" but want me to basically act as if their my GF when with them & in relation to other women then they start getting "busy" and all of a sudden their "dating" someone else. I never pressured a woman for sex until they start doing the dirty talk or want to cuddle or start keeping tabs on me, ect. basically wanting me to give them the GF treatment or they start doing things to turn me on then pulling back. Then I basically told them to either cut it out or put out. Therefore I don't take a woman seriously until sex is on the table. I don't cuddle without sex or make out. Intimacy is intimacy far as i'm concerned. We are either just friends or we are getting naked. Edited December 29, 2011 by phineas
PratyekaYana Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I can easily understand a woman's desire to postpone sexual intimacy in an effort to better vet the guy she's pursuing/being pursued guy. For the majority of people, sex creates often illusory feelings of attachment regardless of the actual emotional and psychological compatibility between lovers, and what woman would want to anchor herself to a man in that way without first knowing that he is worthy of her commitment? The only fault that I personally find in such a philosophy is the fact that women expect total sexual deprivation in their suitors. Not only must the man exercise sexual restraint in his interactions with the woman he's courting but he must also forsake all other sexual partners on the possibility that this budding relationship works out. It essentially amounts to forced abstinence. I will not extend sexual exclusivity, nor will I abdicate control over my sex life, to a woman until she and I have gone beyond that stage of intimacy.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I would wait as long as necessary. I would never pressure a girl or ask her to compromise her standards. Finding a suitable life partner does not happen very often. Sex is important, yes, but it's only about 10-15% of the equation. If it wasn't we'd all be married by now in this forum. From my perspective, sex is a skill like anything. It can be improved. How many of us were sex gods/goddesses the first time? ha I doubt anyone. So even if it isn't spectacular the first time, it can be improved through communication and practice. Sex is more than 10-15% of the equation. My GF told me that if my penis was not big enough, she would have had to end the relationship. Thankfully I am big. So sex is important to the women also. If they are not satisfied then why would they want to stay in the relationship.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 A year is a lot! I really didn't know that there were guys out there who would be willing to wait that much. Love does wonders I guess. She's my ex now... but for another reason.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 A year is a lot! I really didn't know that there were guys out there who would be willing to wait that much. I would go insane if I had to wait a year to have sex with my GF!
Soxfaninfl Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Love does wonders I guess. She's my ex now... but for another reason. How long did you both date?
carhill Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I will not extend sexual exclusivity, nor will I abdicate control over my sex life, to a woman until she and I have gone beyond that stage of intimacy. IMO, that's a reasonable boundary. I'd share that up front so there's no ambiguity. Also, having been a 'cuddle bitch' a lot in my earlier life, I tend to align with phineas' perspective about intimacy. I still experience many women pursuing flirtation and emotional intimacy without any substantial interest or response in meeting my wants and needs. I think M cured me of 'cuddle bitch' tendencies, and I see those women for who they are, vampires, and move on. Firm boundaries really do work.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 I can easily understand a woman's desire to postpone sexual intimacy in an effort to better vet the guy she's pursuing/being pursued guy. For the majority of people, sex creates often illusory feelings of attachment regardless of the actual emotional and psychological compatibility between lovers, and what woman would want to anchor herself to a man in that way without first knowing that he is worthy of her commitment?Yes that's how we feel in general. The only women that don't feel that way would be hookers or those into other lifestyles. IMO sex isn't just a physical act done to satisfy yourself. The man would have to prove he's someone I can trust and he believes in getting getting married too (not just strings me along to have free sex). I don't wanna waste my time dating yrs and nothing either. If he's just into fling, casual dating or only wants a relationship but no marriage, there is no point. I would be wasting my time and definitely feel used, taken for a total fool. So to us in order to have sex that's like saying: Ok tell me a good reason why I should trust you and open up.... you obviously have to be convincing and with enough proof.
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