smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Also people don't always act or react how you think they will Wilsonx. Nothing is set in stone. Sometimes it's better to just not act or react to something because frankly none of us know what his ex is feeling, she might be genuine at the moment, it might not last, she might be playing games ect. Bottom line is regardless of how she feels about headsashed she is fickle because she is immature that doesn't make her evil or psycho but it does make her behavior hurtful to the OP and sometimes it's best to just step back and do nothing to gain some perspective if action will get you nowhere or go against you. By watching and observing past and present actions from a bystanders point of view it is possible to predict her actions. Everyone can predict the outcome here depending on what path the OP chooses
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Nice! I didnt say it but I saw it =) Well thanks for leaving some limelight for me :-)
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Well thanks for leaving some limelight for me :-) I know, I set him up for success too with If I was you, I would break NC and tell her straight up, "I am hurt right now, I understand what you are saying, but we can not talk or hang out until, this goes away". This sets a clear non defensive boundary to her which she will understand. Youre welcome
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 I know, I set him up for success too with Youre welcome lol, im proud of you, it was 100% spot on, was going to pm you and say that to you and how far you've come but might as well highjack this thread since the OP isnt listening anyway lol oh here comes the abuse!
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 What that she'll come back eventually? You never know for sure. Were we all saying never speak to her again? No. Hate her forever? No. What we were saying was they need to get the hell away from each other at least for the time being being to get some perspective, cool down, and figure out what they really want. You and Wilsonx keep going on about black and white thinking. Because my advice doesn't mesh up with yours? How do you know I haven't looked at all the angles? You're convinced no one else is doing it yet maybe other people are and that's why we all have such differing opinions; with that many possibilities it's somewhat expected to have variance. What happens if they rush into each others arms right away then? Neither of them have tried to change or grow up, OP's ex still doesn't know what she wants so they'll rush back into a relationship and run into the same problems. How bout learning and growing up?
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Also headsash's ex has problems with respecting his space and boundaries he's tried to set. That's why I was recommending not responding because I feel it will do nothing since she's likely to ignore it anyways.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 What that she'll come back eventually? You never know for sure. Were we all saying never speak to her again? No. Hate her forever? No. What we were saying was they need to get the hell away from each other at least for the time being being to get some perspective, cool down, and figure out what they really want. You and Wilsonx keep going on about black and white thinking. Because my advice doesn't mesh up with yours? How do you know I haven't looked at all the angles? You're convinced no one else is doing it yet maybe other people are and that's why we all have such differing opinions; with that many possibilities it's somewhat expected to have variance. What happens if they rush into each others arms right away then? Neither of them have tried to change or grow up, OP's ex still doesn't know what she wants so they'll rush back into a relationship and run into the same problems. How bout learning and growing up? Just like i posted earlier, people are only reading what they want to read or see, go and re read all the posts, please, before you offend me. You are not reading the posts for what they truly say, do you get it, some of you's are reading things that simply arent there.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Also headsash's ex has problems with respecting his space and boundaries he's tried to set. That's why I was recommending not responding because I feel it will do nothing since she's likely to ignore it anyways. Ive read his past posts, if he ignores her, she will continue to reply and mix his head up, i stand by my opinion, what Wilson said, something along the lines of replying " please give me space till i heal" is the best option. Ive already said this, im not repeating it again, read the posts for what they actually say. Its ludicris
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Ok Fact: Women for the rest of your life will try to crash all your boundaries. This is a fact. All women will do this. Its their nature. Get over it now. Another Fact: His boundary sucks, its a defensive boundary. If I were his friend, Id crash it because its stupid and thats what guys do. When you set boundaries, its for yourself, not for other people. Its to allow what you want in and what you will reflect. You cant set another person to your boundary because you are attaching that person to you in doing so. So he tells her never to contact him again. Guess what, she is now a part of him with that boundary. Did you read my text response? There's no boundary. Defensive boundaries are WALLS. WALLS are bad. They not only keep stuff from coming in, but they allow stuff to stay inside you as well, which leads to resentment building up.
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Just like i posted earlier, people are only reading what they want to read or see, go and re read all the posts, please, before you offend me. You are not reading the posts for what they truly say, do you get it, some of you's are reading things that simply arent there. Same can be said to you about reading only what we want to read. Please elaborate on what you mean instead of simply saying that as it does nothing to help a healthy debate instead of insulting others.
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Ok Fact: Women for the rest of your life will try to crash all your boundaries. This is a fact. All women will do this. Its their nature. Get over it now. Another Fact: His boundary sucks, its a defensive boundary. If I were his friend, Id crash it because its stupid and thats what guys do. When you set boundaries, its for yourself, not for other people. Its to allow what you want in and what you will reflect. You cant set another person to your boundary because you are attaching that person to you in doing so. So he tells her never to contact him again. Guess what, she is now a part of him with that boundary. Did you read my text response? There's no boundary. Defensive boundaries are WALLS. WALLS are bad. They not only keep stuff from coming in, but they allow stuff to stay inside you as well, which leads to resentment building up. First of all men also break boundaries. Did I say to tell her not to contact him again? No; I said don't respond- do nothing. Now you guys are only reading what you want. And boundaries aren't necessarily bad. It's just a measuring stick of what you will and will not put up with. Not having boundaries is like having a sign saying you can do anything to me and I won't do anything about it because I have no respect for myself so they are important. And they help against resentment in my opinion because what I think leads to resentment like that is having your boundaries crossed but not loving yourself enough to say I'm not okay with this.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Same can be said to you about reading only what we want to read. Please elaborate on what you mean instead of simply saying that as it does nothing to help a healthy debate instead of insulting others. Ok elaborate, i dont mean we only read parts of the story, i mean we read something which is not there or we dont read the true meaning in the post, im not insulting anyone, written txt has no emotion and can come across incorrectly, now if you wanted a debate you would do as i suggested and re read the posts to see if you see them in a truer light this time. Cheers
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) And they help against resentment in my opinion because what I think leads to resentment like that is having your boundaries crossed but not loving yourself enough to say I'm not okay with this.Where does resentment come from again? Your concept of boundaries is off. I do not know how to explain this in black and white terms. You build a bubble around you. You have a little door. That door only opens for water. It will not open for anything else. So If someone pours water on you, its good you get wet. If someone poors paint on you, nothing, you just shrug it off, it doesnt affect you. Thats a boundary, you get what you want, "water", everything else doesnt affect you. You push it away and let it go. Now we have this same bubble with another door lets call this door positive things. So when you go through your day and someone tells you something positive, that door opens up and you accept the positive thing. Now you are in line at the store and some guy cusses you out and makes fun of you saying your fat and ugly. This is a negative thing. You already have positive in you and this negative comment doesnt have a door to come in so you push it away and let it go, it doesnt affect you. Edited December 30, 2011 by wilsonx
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Ok elaborate, i dont mean we only read parts of the story, i mean we read something which is not there or we dont read the true meaning in the post, im not insulting anyone, written txt has no emotion and can come across incorrectly, now if you wanted a debate you would do as i suggested and re read the posts to see if you see them in a truer light this time. Cheers Still not clearing things up for me actually. I meant elaborate as in what are we not seeing that you are? Also on the internet I prefer to read what is there because like you said text can come across incorrectly. I know the OP loves her and wants her back but I still think they need space because the drama has done nothing but hurt the OP and his ex doesn't know what she wants and until she does all she'll do is hurt the OP until she figures it out which might not even be something with him.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 youre reading something that isnt there marmarmar Theres no drama. NONE ZERO ZILCH NONE... OP is creating the drama in his head Read some of my stupid posts from 3 months ago, I did the same stupid thing /faceslap
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Where does resentment come from again? Your concept of boundaries is off. I do not know how to explain this in black and white terms. You build a bubble around you. You have a little door. That door only opens for water. It will not open for anything else. So If someone pours water on you, its good you get wet. If someone poors paint on you, nothing, you just shrug it off, it doesnt affect you. Thats a boundary, you get what you want, "water", everything else doesnt affect you. You push it away and let it go. Now we have this same bubble with another door lets call this door positive things. So when you go through your day and someone tells you something positive, that door opens up and you accept the positive thing. Now you are in line at the store and some guy cusses you out and makes fun of you saying your fat and ugly. This is a negative thing. You already have positive in you and this negative comment doesnt have a door to come in so you push it away and let it go, it doesnt affect you. The resentment comes from letting boundaries get crossed and not saying I'm not okay with this. It has to do with your personality and morals. For example let's say someone because of their upbringing thinks cheating is horrible. Then they're in a relationship and their SO cheats on them. They'll either assert their boundary, or do nothing. I think the last option builds resentment because you betray yourself in doing nothing. Then whatever boundary was crossed will keep being crossed because you've not said I'm not okay with this. So the resentment builds and self esteem is hurt because you feel like a door mat.
smokey bear Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Still not clearing things up for me actually. I meant elaborate as in what are we not seeing that you are? Also on the internet I prefer to read what is there because like you said text can come across incorrectly. I know the OP loves her and wants her back but I still think they need space because the drama has done nothing but hurt the OP and his ex doesn't know what she wants and until she does all she'll do is hurt the OP until she figures it out which might not even be something with him. Well this is exactly what Wilson said in his first post but it didnt get took that way, did it? This is what i mean by reading what we want to read. You just said exactly what Wilson said but somehow it all went off track, is that elaborated enough for you to understand. I see you have actually made an effort to see this correctly, thank you.
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 youre reading something that isnt there marmarmar Theres no drama. NONE ZERO ZILCH NONE... OP is creating the drama in his head Read some of my stupid posts from 3 months ago, I did the same stupid thing /faceslap The drama is there for him because he feels like he's being played with. Whether he is or not is hard to tell because on a forum all other people are is written text. In any case that means he probably shouldn't be talking to her until he gets into a better headspace.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 The drama is there for him because he feels like he's being played with. Whether he is or not is hard to tell because on a forum all other people are is written text. In any case that means he probably shouldn't be talking to her until he gets into a better headspace. Exactly, he needs to get in a better headspace, he posted texts word for word hopefully. There was no drama in those texts, its his headspace. In the last thread he start "An Apology" I said the same thing to him, there was no drama, its his headspace. The same type of texts and I laid them out word for word. Most people on this forum are here to point fingers and blame the other person. He needs to realize the biggest issue why hes not in a relationship right now is him. He needs to look in front of the mirror and see "HE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM" Its absolutely true. I can point this out to most peoples' stories including my own.
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Well this is exactly what Wilson said in his first post but it didnt get took that way, did it? This is what i mean by reading what we want to read. You just said exactly what Wilson said but somehow it all went off track, is that elaborated enough for you to understand. I see you have actually made an effort to see this correctly, thank you. That's what Mack and I have been saying from the get-go as well. The only part where we disagree is the need to respond at all since the OP has danced this dance with his ex before. The debate started because Wilsonx was acting self righteous and belittling anyone with a differing opinion.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 /facepalm really? go back and reread the thread, I did not belittle one person on this thread. I am pretty sure, everyone else did but geegirl, she kept it clean I did get annoyed at the tag teaming and the high fives, I will admit to that
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Exactly, he needs to get in a better headspace, he posted texts word for word hopefully. There was no drama in those texts, its his headspace. In the last thread he start "An Apology" I said the same thing to him, there was no drama, its his headspace. The same type of texts and I laid them out word for word. Most people on this forum are here to point fingers and blame the other person. He needs to realize the biggest issue why hes not in a relationship right now is him. He needs to look in front of the mirror and see "HE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM" Its absolutely true. I can point this out to most peoples' stories including my own. We all know it takes 2 to tango. What I was trying to point out to the OP apart from the previously stated things is that he shouldn't feel an obligation to upkeep his ex's happiness. He needs to worry about himself for the time being because his ex is confused and hurting and in that she's going to do whatever she can to stop the misery and he'll more than likely be collateral in that quest until she gets in the headspace where she can empathize with HIM.
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 We all know it takes 2 to tango. What I was trying to point out to the OP apart from the previously stated things is that he shouldn't feel an obligation to upkeep his ex's happiness. He needs to worry about himself for the time being because his ex is confused and hurting and in that she's going to do whatever she can to stop the misery and he'll more than likely be collateral in that quest until she gets in the headspace where she can empathize with HIM. :eek:
MarMarMar Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 /facepalm really? go back and reread the thread, I did not belittle one person on this thread. I am pretty sure, everyone else did but geegirl, she kept it clean I did get annoyed at the tag teaming and the high fives, I will admit to that I have to disagree here Empathy and love. Try it sometime. Never mind I actually know why it pisses you off, because you dont agree with it People tag teamed as you called it because it's the internet and all we see is the text no emotional inflections like in spoken word so it can come off as condescending and confrontational. You probably don't mean it but a lot of your texts come off like you're belittling people or picking a fight. We can't tell so we take it at face value. On that note I was never meaning to pick a fight if it ever came off that was I was just debating but again the internets so if it did I apologize.
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