Feeling Irritated and Angry the last few days...

[FightClub]

Over 1 year NC.

 

I reached such a serene feeling of indifference the last few months. I have went through a wide range of emotions but this is really the most intense I've felt in terms of anger.

 

Since Monday, I've had recurrent dreams/nightmares about my exMW and thoughts of her keeping entering my mind lately.

 

Having a hard time sleeping those nights, somewhere between angry and irritated but what confuses me is that those feelings are more anger at myself and partially towards my exMW.

 

It's an unusual amount of irritation, I've owned my part of the affair, I'm so far beyond that point in my life but I can't seem to pinpoint why after all this time I'm feeling angry, at myself and her.

 

There is no interest to break NC or even see her again, but it's more like the memories, feelings have been resurfacing the last few days subconsciously.

 

My dreams have focused heavily on the year long EA, one-night PA, the build-up before we got together, her running away, the lose of friendship and then feelings of pain at what was and the reality of what it really was.

 

 

 

Is this a normal feeling in the process of letting go?

 

 

-FC

Edited December 29, 2011 by FightClub

[norajane]

Yes, it's normal. Progress isn't linear; it's often a cycle that repeats until it fades away. It happens in fits and starts. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back.

I'm so far beyond that point in my life but I can't seem to pinpoint why after all this time I'm feeling angry, at myself and her.

 

If this is happening since Monday, maybe something about Christmas triggered it.

[Hazyhead]

Hey FC. Yes, I think it's normal; or at least, I've felt that way too. I'd have weeks, months even, feeling good and happy to be free from the burden of the A, then I'd wake up one morning and the slightest thing could totally change my mood: a song on the radio, a story I heard or (in my worst moments) something I read about or from him.

 

For me, I think I'll be prone to moments of setback for sometime. Now I allow myself to feel the emotions that come from them. I try to take myself away from people, just for a short while and think them through. I had a day last week, triggered from watching the movie Love Actually. It wasn't anger but instead a quiet, overwhelming sadness. I watched the film one more time immediately after, let the tears fall, then picked myself up and went visiting my family whereupon I was pulled back out of my misery.

 

For the most part you seem really well, and this you should feel proud of. Don't beat yourself up for the occasional one step back; just go with it then pick yourself back up again.

 

You're doing really well.

[TigerCub]

Hey FC,

 

I think what you're going through is normal. I've gone through it and still go through it at times.

 

It's been 1 year since NC and over 1 year since the end of the A. And like yours, our A was more EA than PA.

 

I think of xMM a few times a week at least. Its not a romantic thought and its nothing about wanting to be in contact with him again. Its simply because we work in the same building and I remember things, sometimes I see him, sometimes I see his friends, etc...

 

But remember that just because you think of the xAP, it doesn't mean you're going to slip and it doesn't mean you're falling behind in your healing.

 

I think its very normal to go through cycles and feel totally fine for the most part, but think on things at other times and get angry at your part in the A, or how you let the AP treat you, etc...(I'm speaking from my experience here).

 

I just say, ride it out, feel it and you'll be closer in your healing that way.

 

Good luck

[Spark1111]

Dreams are a release of our subconcious feelings....it is less about what is happening in the dream as how those dream events are making you feel.

 

I think unresolved anger is normal, and while you say you do not feel it or are suppressing it, it is still coming out in your dreams.

 

That's pretty healthy, IMO. You have every right to feel angry. Try to think long and hard about the "why" of it though. Why specifically are you angry?

 

That's the epiphany or breakthrough.

[Waitress]

I think you have some really good feedback here. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it is going to define you. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Just keep being honest with yourself. Keep allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel.

 

You have a choice in how you respond. And you are doing great.

[Thunderbolt]

FC--I completely relate to how you're feeling. Especially since I've been have triggers of my own. Just get through the feelings, they will pass. It's good to hear that you have no intentions of contacting her. I've had periods of time where life is really heading in the right direction, I'm thinking about xMM less and focusing on more important things in life. Then, bam! A dream/nightmare will really send me for a loop. They always seem to come out of nowhere. I'm not really sure what they mean. Especially since I seem to get them when I'm thinking about him the least. Hang in there, feel the pain knowing that it will pass.

[East7]

Hi FC,

 

like anyone else, I will say it is very normal. An affair is a very traumatic experience for everyone involved. Affairs leave deeper emotional scars than divorces and the end of LTRs. Many OM/OW report grieving much more after their A then after their divorces (for those who have experienced both).

 

I have those flashbacks too. I am rarely in anger though. I have flashbacks of some moments when I was in vacation with xMW and places we have been. I guess I have given them too much romantic signification.

 

I guess dreams are unresolved desires and affairs are a perfect example of unresolved desires and deceptions.

 

All I can say it is that it gets better with time.

[FightClub]

As I've been trying to sort through the anger & irritation, looking into that deeper part of myself I find myself almost sad within that anger.

 

I'm not sure how to describe it but a lot of the anger stems from the feeling that I miss her ( Knowing full well I can't ever see/speak to her again because of our past ) and it frustrates me some days when the memories trigger or I find myself talking about her to my friends every so often, though when she's mentioned it's more of the 'what I've learned in my EA and how it's helped me move forward' type conversations.

 

I let myself become vulnerable, much more than before that point in my life because I felt that maybe this was meant to be, the way we connected and how things went the day we spent together.

 

In hindsight, I never considered the emotional holocaust it would cause in my mind & body after it ended. What the fallout was for her after wards I'll never know, the one time NC was broken her e-mail was asking for forgiveness and apologizing for everything she had done, how she never meant to hurt me but couldn't see how her choices would affect everyone.

 

Looking back at that, it's what irritates me the most, all those experiences of feeling, what I perceived as true love, deep connection were all with someone who was never really available or single to begin with.

 

And you know what, before the feelings were there I could recognize something like that and sidestep it and say, 'No thanks!,' but I did allow myself to go deeper with her out of the thought that was 'meant to be.'

 

I couldn't see how damaged she really was from a history of bad roles models, bad experiences with family and the dysfunctional relationship with the BS, who for all accounts was made out to be the worst guy in the world but yet I don't really know him or what really transpired in their marriage.

 

Granted, it's been over for a year now, I'm trying to explore why it felt so right for me to walk away when it was the end, I'm proud of myself for following my instincts and this voice that told me, ' Ya'know what, let this one go, just let her go'.

 

When I was younger, I would tell myself to chase after them and it ended badly each and every time, somehow along this growth I told myself the opposite this time.

 

From a learning aspect, I'm trying to understand better how I was able to come to that conclusion so I can at the very least continue to make better choices. I never want to find myself in this position again, it takes too much out of the people involved in a EA/PA, something that is not worth the pain.

 

I am much better these days then I was when I first arrived here at LS, that much I can be thankful for and this new year, I feel as though I'm much closer to trying to out a real relationship this time with a single woman, not a half-life of stolen moments and passion but something worthwhile.

 

-FC

Edited January 5, 2012 by FightClub

[FightClub]

Norajane - Agreed, I definitely believe we have to sometimes take a step or two back before we can go forward again!

 

Spark, Waitress, TigerClub, E7, T-Bolt, Hazy - I really appreciate all the feedback, most importantly the different views you guys have shared with me.

 

Spark - You are right, I didn't deserve that and I will not allow myself to get involved with something like that again, I'm stronger knowing that more these days.

 

I do feel as though I've made some progress, I suppose there is a bit of pain there somewhere and as I'm digging deeper into what I'm feeling and where it's taking me, I realize I don't want to repress this.

 

I don't want to repress any of the emotions of feelings, I want to ride them all the way through because I can't honestly say I would want to carry any of this inside any longer, I want to leave it in my past and out of my mind eventually. Take the good parts of what I learned and just move forward.

 

Being free ( subconsciously & spiritually ) of my past and being able to use it to better myself is more empowering to me.

 

A big positive though is I helped two of my married friends avoid a full-on affair, after hearing and seeing what it was like for me as an exOM on the other side of things, it's just bad stuff, all around.

 

-FC

Edited January 6, 2012 by FightClub

[Oxy Moronovich]

FightClub, have you found a rebound chick yet?

[FightClub]

I wanted to post an update since last responded, everyone's perspective was very well received and I'm very thankful for all of it, thank you guys!

 

A lot of what I was feeling has subsided and I'm been back to a more balanced place the last few days, I got to a point where I was like, ' I don't want to think about this anymore' and from there I can say it's really faded again. Processing everything and sorting out things in my mind has been quite an adventure, a lot of things I question in regards to what this whole thing served in the end.

 

I think it definitely is tough to phase out the whole affair-awareness at times, I had a long conversation with a friend about the 'No Contact' and he was telling me I should consider e-mailing her someday in the future to accept exMW's apology and just leave it at that.

 

What I find interesting about our conversation is he told me he'd rather fight for someone rather to let them fade away. I had to strongly disagree with him, I know I had to walk when the plug was pulled and at the time it really did hurt me but I just knew in my heart I had to walk away if there was every anything good to take from all this.

 

He hasn't seen or been involved in an affair before nor does he understand all the wonderful advice & experience of the people on the boards, so I'd say I handled the discussion quite well.

 

-FC

[Gentlegirl]

When you are ready to accept that apology and write that email.... you won't care.

 

You will wonder why you are doing it. After all is said and done... will she care? It will not make any difference to the outcome at all.

 

It will really be a non event.

 

I hope you get to that point before you send the email.

 

GG