confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Its been 3months since BU- 7weeks NC at the begining of NC I was doing really well (kept telling myself hes no longer the great guy I fell in love with,hes changed etc) this really helped and I was doing great, I was even starting to hate him which I thaught meant I was over him (usually when I get to the hating stage Im sooo over them- in the past anyway!) So I met a new guy and started dating him (took things slowly) and we were geting on great! Then Christmas is here and I really dont know why I did it but I txt my ex on christmas eve! I just said "Hope your keeping well just wanted to wish u and ur family a Merry Christmas", I wasnt really expecting a reply to be honest but he did respond imediatley saying "wow thats mental I so wanted to text you last night so see how you are but didnt think you would reply! Im out finishing my shopping, you know me always last minute! Il give u a txt when Im back home, looking forward to catching up and hey, thanks for the text ;)" I left it about two hours to reply "ha weird alright! no worries talk later.." Well i stupidly watched my phone all evening, and he never text! Problem is I cant get him out of my head now!!! Its like the start of the BU all over again and I have that longing/aching feeling for him back again! Since all this has been going on Ive been moody n distant with my new guy, he kept asking me what was wrong and I kept lying saying I was just stressed out with family over the holidays, but the truth is Ive been pushing him away and I feel terrible, I really care and like this guy and know that hes crazy about me but Im starting to realise Im really not over my ex!!!!! What can I do to get my ex out of my head and heart so that I can let this guy in fully?? Please HELP :-(
wilsonx Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Be honest with the guy... only way... tell him the truth and let him make a decision based off it. This is one of the dangers of reboudning
Author confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) So I decided to sleep on it and made the decision that I really wanted to stick with the new guy and try make it work - afterall my useless ex didnt even bother to reply ( some things dont change!) I wake up this morning and there it is... the dreadid ex txt!!! He asked could we talk later on when hes finished work, how I put the biggest smile on his face when I txt him Christmas eve, and he really wants to catch up with me, its been waaay to long (his words) Yet again I stupidly said yes! When I looked at my phone my heart skipped a beat when I seen his name... Now Im afraid to talk to the new guy until I hear what the ex has to say - I know this is horrible on him and very selfish of me but I just dont know what else to do! What do you guys think?? Is he just lookin to catch up maybe throw afew breadcrumbs or is he looking for more (reconsiliation)??? Edited December 29, 2011 by confused kitty
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Talk to the new guy first and explain you are confused and do not want to lead him on or hurt him. If you decide not to try anything with your ex you can suggest you keep dating the new guy casually while you heal but you are in no way ready to share yourself with someone else. Here is something I posted in another thread about deciding to give an ex another chance. I'm not sure the circumstances of your breakup but this may help you: To everyone out there. If someone comes back you need to ask the right questions. What changes have you made internally that will allow the relationship to prosper? What brought about these changes? When did these changes begin? How do you think we can best deal with the issues that caused our breakup(s) in the past? This is your heart people... don't just hand it back to someone whom is likely to hurt you again. If they can't explain what changes they have made and give a "I know it can work out" line... they haven't matured. If they can't explain the internal converastion they had about the changes they likely haven't matured. If this happened a short time ago they may have rushed things and still are not ready. If they have not analyzed their past issues (you of course need to do the same as it is a two way street) then they have not matured enough to begin again.
immitable Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 He wants more than catching up, but you have to play smart. Firstly, keep the meeting short (15-20 min) - avoid personal questions - be mysterious about your private life (just say, if he asks, you've met a few interesting people) - be confident (not overly) - look good good luck to you!
PegNosePete Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 What do you guys think?? Is he just lookin to catch up maybe throw afew breadcrumbs or is he looking for more (reconsiliation)??? What does it matter? What do YOU want? If you speak to him and he is looking for reconciliation then will you drop the new guy like he's got the clap and go running back to the ex? From your posts I get the feeling that you would. You need to tell your new guy that you are not over your ex and need to take a break. You are currently just lying to him and it WILL end in tears when he finds out what is going on. Better to be honest now and have some dignity and self-respect. Otherwise you are just another cheater.
Author confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thank you all for your advice, Im freaking out here big time! Im trying to distract myself and avoid over thinking but at the same time secretly wishing he does want to work things out.. I know it will have to be done very slowly and he has alot to prove but I really feel he was the the one that got away and I know that nomatter what happens I will always feel that way! Im afraid If i mention the new guy that it could make him back off - as he told me after the BU not to wait around for him and that he wanted me to be happy not miserable and missing him, I dont want him to think that I have been waiting for him but I also dont want him to think Ive moved on and am happy witout him incase he backs off....? Grrr sooo confused :-(
PegNosePete Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 You are being totally disrespectful and bitchy to the new guy. You are treating him like a piece of crap. If you have feelings for someone else whether it is your ex or not, then you need to break it off with the new guy RIGHT NOW. You say you don't want to hurt him but what do you think you are doing by treating him like this?
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 This is not a game. Many people are in this and all can be hurt. Please take the respectable route and let this new guy know now that you are not over your ex. There is no need for him to hurt any more than this. If your ex can not understand that you were with someone else while you were apart then he is in no way mature enough to handle anything. As I said... please make sure those questions are answered before you decide to get back with the ex... but if you are even considering it you need to let this new guy off the hook. It is not fair to keep him waiting.
sunflower11 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I don't think you should have even gotten in a new relationship. A month ago you still had strong feelings for your ex and it seems like you are using this new guy. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he was doing this to you? keeping things and feelings from you? It is def not fair to him and what does it matter if you bring him up with your ex and he backs off? You got into a new relationship because you wanted to, not just to use someone along while your ex came back!
Mack05 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) The smart thing to do is to break up with the new guy (who deserves ALOT more then what you are giving him right now) and not meet your ex. But it's rare that people with broken heart/feelings for an ex do the smart thing. Some of the rules in the 'break up' manual should be.. 1) Do not meet up with an ex you still have feelings for.. 2) Do not enter a new relationship, when you still have feelings for an ex and/or have not grieved the previous relationship properly.. The title of the thread is you have screwed up BAD. If you meet the ex or stick with the new guy you will screw up even more.. Edited December 29, 2011 by Mack05
Author confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Just to clear up afew things - I thaugt I was over my ex I genuinely did as I had got to the point of hateing him and wanting nothing to do with him, in the past with previous break ups when I got to that hateing stage I was done, they were history end of! When I met the knew guy I wasnt looking to get into another relationship and told him out straight i was just out of one and "If" this was going to work it would have to be Very slow as I didnt want to rush in.. I thaught about the ex afew times but not bad enough to want to text him, like I said in my first post I kept telling myself that hes no longer the same guy that I loved, and he really wasnt at the time of BU( due to personal problems and depression etc, this was the reason for the split he felt he had too much going on and couldnt give our relationship the attention it deserved) but I never once wished that the new guy was my ex, when i thaught of the ex I actually felt quite numb about him so I was relieved and took this as another sign that I was over him! Until I txt him at Christmas, like I said I still dont know why I did it because I wasnt even expecting a reply from him nor did I want to be back in touch with him - I was happy with the new guy! I sent it and thaught nothing of it and imediatly he replied saying he wanted to text me the night before but was afraid I wouldnt reply! This will sound stupid and maybe it was just a coinsodence but when we were together we would often call or txt eachother at the exact same time - he always said we had this amazing "connection"... I guess I was taking aback whrn he responded so quickly and seemed really happy to hear from me and wanted to catch up ( I was never expecting this in a million years even if it is just as friends) For what its worth Im not meeting up with my ex - he want to call me tonight for a catch up on the phone... But I have told the new guy that Im confused and think we are moving too fast, and that I need a break to clear my head ( even if nothing happens with my ex I still need this time to think because clearly Im not over him even though I genuinely thaught i was!)
2sunny Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 You have evidence that your ex isn't good for his word (I'll call you after shopping - then doesn't call). When the words and actions don't match - there's a lie in there. Has he changed? Probably not for the better as he can't even keep his word. No use wasting time on a guy who isn't honest and reliable. He may have been horny - probably thought you'd be receptive to his crumbs. Don't be THAT gal.
M2155 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I ran into a previous ex recently too. Now it's different because I don't want him back AT ALL, but he gave me the same jazz. There were stars in his eyes, he was just so psyched to see me. Told me he had been thinking about me blah blah. Said he'd get in touch so we could talk and never did. Funny thing is I think he really was interested at the moment. Maybe for real, but not enough to take any next steps. I hope you don't hurt a good guy or mess up your chances with a good guy chasing old feelings. But if that's where your heart is then you need to let new guy know that you need a break for a while. Having been that guy, it really sucks and I'd have appreciated just being told upfront.
Author confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 I have told the new guy that I needed a break as I was confused, ( I didnt tell him Ive been txting my ex, I didnt want to hurt him anymore than I already have!) well he didnt take it too well and started crying saying if I break up with him that hel kill himself because without me he has no purpose....?? WDF!!!!! Now what do I do? This might just be a threat to try guilt trip me but seriously wdf am I supposed to do now, what if he does actually try do somthing?? Im really scared and worried :-(
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Oh wow... sorry you are in this position. Contact the authorities as they can help this person better than you can. This person is not emotionally mature... heck we all are always growing... but this is an issue that you can not take ownership of. Tell him you need a break and if he makes another threat call the police to check on him.
Author confused kitty Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Do the police really do that sort of thing? Im not sure they would take it seriously! I feel really trapped I care about him and dont want to keep hurting him but if I end it he might take his own life...! This is like something out of a movie!
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Yes they do take it seriously and will show up at his door. While I doubt this is no more than an attention plea it will at least scare some sense into him.
M2155 Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Yeah they do at least come check. That's probably the best idea. I agree, you can't be responsible for his threats. You did the right thing. You know him better than we do but our immediate reaction to bad news is sometimes over the top as we attempt to hurt or guilt the person that caused it. Good luck with this.
Codez Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Wow, he said he'd kill himself? That is definitely some emotional immaturity. You might have been able to dodge a bullet here. The whole ex thing might have saved you from getting involved deeply with this person. That is just over the top... Big red flag there.
Author confused kitty Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 I know right.... But how do I get over the guilt if he does try somthing??
wilsonx Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Honestly, you did not do anything wrong. You did everything responsibly. You asked for a break etc etc. If hes hurting over 3 months? Thats his conundrum and not yours. If hes suicidal at this point, eh, youre much better off without him I honestly think hes trying to guilt trip you into staying and thats the reason for the suicide comment
2sunny Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Seems like a gift he gave you - now you know how mentally unstable he is. Suggest he get some help. His reaction isn't normal for a brief dating situation. Him handing you that much power over his life is severely out of balance.
Codez Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 It seems as though this has shifted to a new problem now lol. Look, you aren't responsible for his life. You did nothing wrong. You can't base your future off of some desperate plea. Which is all I think it is. In my opinion, you are better off without both of them.
Wings Of Love Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Just to clear up afew things - I thaugt I was over my ex I genuinely did as I had got to the point of hateing him and wanting nothing to do with him, in the past with previous break ups when I got to that hateing stage I was done, they were history end of! I felt I had to reply to this. Hating an ex means you still have strong feelings for them. They may be negative, but they are still strong. Someone who is truly over an ex would be indifferent to them. I know this from experience, I previously believed I was done with my own ex boyfriend, that because I could honestly say I hated him, it meant that I no longer felt anything for him. But the hatred ate away at me, and until I let that go, I was never truly free. I am almost there now, and I feel so much healthier and happier.
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