Thunderbolt Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 For some reason, I've had the strongest urge to contact xMM. I've been doing so well, especially in the last couple months. I don't know what my problem is. I've been dating a really great single guy and our relationship is progressing so well. Why on earth would I want to contact xMM? Especially since I've met such a great single person. I know I'm in the midst of the holidays, but I honestly didn't think of xMM much over the Christmas weekend. I had one of the best holidays I've had in many years due to xMM's absence. I've been NC for 7.5 months. I'm determined to keep this going. But, the last two days have been almost unbearable. I've been experiencing such a deep sadness over the loss of xMM. I thought I was getting close to being over him, but I guess I still miss him so much. I came seriously close to emailing him last night after spending all day thinking about him. By some act of God, I didn't. I kept telling myself that it was just one of those days and everything would be better after I slept on it. Today, I forced myself to be more active, get out of the house, etc. But, I still have this deep longing/urge. My heart and mind just seem to be having such a difficult time staying on the same page. I know that xMM and I are not meant for each other. Even if he showed up on my doorstep begging and pleading, I know that we could never make it. Problem is, my heart isn't understanding this. I loved him more than anything I've known but have enough sense to know that we're not meant to be together. We're both better off without each other and I know this and believe it. It's just that my pain keeps resurfacing. I want this pain to go away forever. I hate how it keeps resurfacing just when I think I'm on way. I'm hoping that this is just part of the healing process. Has anyone else been this dangerously close to contacting their xMM after many months/years of NC. Any stories of success in resisting the urge, or stories of failure that brought you back to square one will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading through the babble...
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 How long you were you two in the affair? The good thing is, and you should be proud of yourself, you didn't cave and email him! It's okay to miss him, how he made you feel etc., but there's absolutely NO reason whatsoever, to contact him. Absolutely none. Remember that always! Focus on your new boyfriend and keep busy..
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks for the encouragement WWIU. Regarding how long we were together -- the first 3 years were very intense and the last 1-2 were on and off. So I guess we were together in one way or another for 5 years. This has been my longest stretch of NC. I'm planning on continuing to focus on the single guy. We're going to hang out tonight. I'm hoping this will snap me out of the funk.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Looks like you're in need of the best thread ever about NC on LS. A wise guy named no foolin' once posted this gem.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Hope it helps!!
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks for the link. I read it a while back, but I'm going to read it again...
FightClub Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Hey T-Bolt, I know one of the hardest things to resist is NC especially at the 7 month mark but it shows that you really want to succeed in moving away from your exMM. Sometimes, it's okay to have the feelings & memories because it's your history, it's what you felt and you are only human to remember that past you once shared with exMM. I think that the best thing to do is just really focus on what you already know; if he really wanted to be with you, he would have made progress and solved things are home first before embarking on an affair and equally you thought the fantasy was going to become a reality at some point. He chose himself, family, etc...you are the bigger person by staying far, far away from anyone that complicated. Remember, this is your life and your choices will move you to where you want to be even if the memories trigger so often, especially around the holiday. I know exactly how you feel my dear. -FC
Hazyhead Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Yep, been there, and will probably be back again at some point. The good thing is, you didn't contact him, and thats great. Every day you feel it ask yourself if you can last another day without doing so; just attack 24 hours at a time and then as you feel a little less overwhelmed extend that. You can do this, Thunderbolt; you've done so well this far. I, too, have felt the sadness despite dating a new great guy - its weird, huh? For me I think the fact the relationship with xMM never had some of the 'normal' develoPments that relationships go through might have been part of the trigger, so as I experienced something with new guy that I hadn't, and will never, with xMM I felt sad. Maybe that's it? Christmas I guess is a huge time for those 'normal' moments. Point is, you don't get to experience those in an A for a reason, because those moments are given to somebody else. You deserve a full relationship, which you are now free to find. Dont beat yOurself up - you responded well to your urges. Just keep that going
Waitress Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Thunderbolt, I find it helps in this type of situation to tell myself that urges are normal but just because I have an urge doesn't mean I have to honor it, give in. Just acknowledging that it is my decision and I am not slave to the withdrawal of what can be compared to an addiction to something like cigarettes. We know it's bad for us but gives us a fix. It's okay to have moments of emotion over your situation but really can be used to show yourself that you are stronger now.
SunsetRed Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I love how real and authentic your post is. I have days where I struggle like that as well. Some days are great and I'm proud of myself for moving on, other days I have to give myself huge pep talks not to email/call him. It helps me to NOT contact him when I remember how coldly he threw me under the bus. He caused me so much pain that it nearly ruined my health and almost cost me my job. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life. I'm on the other side (the good side) of the healing hump and I want to stay here. Please stay strong and dont mess up all the hard work you've done to make it to 7.5 months of NC. You should be proud of yourself for accomplishing this. If you can, treat yourself to a shopping trip or something special so that you can get a reward for your hard work.
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thank you all for your responses, they mean a lot to me. It felt very good to read these this morning. Really made me feel good about resisting my urges to contact xMM. I spent the evening with the single guy last night and had a really nice time with him. I think it's just what I needed to get over this hump. FC--you are so right. xMM hasn't chosen to change his home life in order to be with me. There's absolutely no reason for me to pop my head back into his life. He's not reaching out to me, so I guess there's really no reason for me to do it either. Hazy Head--Couldn't agree more with just setting small goals, like 24 hr. increments, when feeling weak. That's what I tried to do. At the time, it didn't seem like it was going to work, but it surely did and I think this funky fog I've been in is starting to lift. I agree with everything you said regarding being with a single guy, post A. I think you're right when you mention being a bit nostalgic doing all the things in this current relationship that I wanted to do with xMM. This could very well be true. Waitress--thanks for reminding me that it's okay to have these urges. Even though I didn't contact xMM, a part of me felt defeated. A part of me felt like I lost much of what I gained simply because I was even entertaining the thought of contacting him. I was wasting time obsessing over him for a couple days and that really irks me. You're correct when comparing something like this to an addiction, I guess it really is. SunsetRed--It's nice knowing that you have been in struggles similar to mine. It's not really nice, because I don't want you to be in pain. But, it's nice knowing I'm not alone. How long have you been in NC? Thanks for the pep talk. It definitely helps to think about the crap from the past once in a while to keep things in perspective. I am SO glad I didn't contact him -- and I'm so thankful to have found this site.
Hazyhead Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Post here when you feel weak. I used these boards as a bucket for my emotional vomit when I was struggling with NC and more. We'll all hold your hair back whilst you spew it all out Well done.
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 You're funny HH, thanks for the support. I think you help a lot of people on this site and it's very noble of you.
Hazyhead Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 That's very sweet of you, thank you, but I feel I get far more help here than I give. I'm a few years in but backtrack some and it'll be full of my woes. This place is the best for support and help.
Recommended Posts