Is it really better to be single…

[iris219]

Maybe that's why you have the options you have now. I think the man you were seeing was WAY too good for you. Leave him alone. Please.

 

Actually, there’s no doubt that I am WAY too good to him. I was present while he was absent in the relationship. He was emotionally and verbally abusive when I tried to express to him how I felt. Our relationship got better at the end when he’d realized he was losing me.

 

I would lose some friends if we got back together because we they saw how he treated me and hated him for it. Our relationship was only good when I kept my mouth shut and did everything he wanted, and even then it wasn’t enough at times. Nothing I did was good enough. Even his mother would scold him for how he treated me (and then he’d get mad at ME). He is hyper critical—he would NEVER compliment me, but loved to find any opportunity to insult me. It got to the point that I was avoiding him and dreading having to see him.

 

Your judgmental post, which inspired the explanation above, made me realize that I don’t want anything to do with my ex. Thank you. It made me remember why we can never be together. I think I had blocked out a lot of our relationship. My ex was good with the children in his family, but I don’t know how he’d be with one he had to be around constantly.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

You welcome

 

Mission Accomplished!

[verhrzn]

Ya know, if you're not hell bent on having biological children, adoption would be a good option. While I agree that a two-parent home is the best situation, if you can afford it, you would give a child who needs it a loving home and stable environment to grow up in. And there's not necessarily an age requirement, so you don't feel the same pressure you do if you limit yourself to only biological children.

[iris219]

Ya know, if you're not hell bent on having biological children, adoption would be a good option. While I agree that a two-parent home is the best situation, if you can afford it, you would give a child who needs it a loving home and stable environment to grow up in. And there's not necessarily an age requirement, so you don't feel the same pressure you do if you limit yourself to only biological children.

 

One of my colleagues recently adopted a child, a nine year old. She’s single and in her mid forties, and a relationship never happened for her. She’s beyond thrilled with her decision; she was apprehensive at first, but now says it’s the most exciting and most rewarding thing she’s ever done.

 

I’m not sure how I’d feel about adopting an older child. I’m open to adoption, but it’s often very difficult and expensive to adopt a baby.

[Nexus One]

I don't understand why you don't move to a bigger city Iris. Why force yourself to choose between two less than ideal options?

 

You once said that people say you look like Audrey Hepburn. ( yeah I remember that kind of stuff )

 

If that's true, then you should have men tripping over each other just to have a shot with you. Besides, I remember that you mentioned the town you lived in wasn't THAT small. Something seems off Iris, your story doesn't completely make sense to me.

[iris219]

I don't understand why you don't move to a bigger city Iris. Why force yourself to choose between two less than ideal options?

 

You once said that people say you look like Audrey Hepburn. ( yeah I remember that kind of stuff )

 

If that's true, then you should have men tripping over each other just to have a shot with you. Besides, I remember that you mentioned the town you lived in wasn't THAT small. Something seems off Iris, your story doesn't completely make sense to me.

 

I once said on here that a friend remarked that I reminded them of Audrey Hepburn in terms of personality, not looks. Anyway, how I look has nothing to do with the fact that I live in a town with virtually no single men over 30. What doesn't make sense? Is this going to turn into another "there's no way a thin, attractive woman can be single or have any problems dating" thread?

 

Actually, I've done better than several of my female friends who haven't dated in years. I've at least been on several dates this year.

 

I am applying for jobs elsewhere tomorrow.

 

*

[Nexus One]

I am applying for jobs elsewhere tomorrow.

 

Then why ask a question that implies you have to choose between two extremes? I.e. either being alone for the rest of your life or getting back together and having a kid with your ex?

[iris219]

Then why ask a question that implies you have to choose between two extremes? I.e. either being alone for the rest of your life or getting back together and having a kid with your ex?

 

I've been feeling pretty hopeless (and helpless) lately. There's no guarantee I'll even get an interview, much less a job offer. I'm not excited about the thought of moving--I like where I live. I want men to come to me!

[kaylan]

OP

 

Do not settle and then end up in an unhappy marriage. Its not fair to you, your ex, or your potential children. You would most likely end up back on this forum repeating the same things we see in many threads regarding unhappy marriages.

 

If you want to meet a guy you really like, freaking move. Make sacrifices. Unhappiness with your work or living situation for a little while will seem like a cake walk if you end up in a crappy marriage. So move, tough it out, and meet guys you actually like.

 

How old are you? Quick rushing things so much. Yes, make thing happen for yourself, but dont force yourself into bad situations.

 

If more women listened to you, there wouldn't be so many single mothers and women in unhappy marriages. Unfortunately, women listen to their emotions. So logic like you've just spouted is meaningless to a woman; particularly a desperate one like the OP.

Actually OP was considering denying her emotions for the sake of having a family.

 

So how is it women only listen to their emotions?

 

Men do this too. Just read threads here. And also, lust is an emotion and guys are driven by it. All humans are driven by emotion and many, when in a relationship, will ignore logic because of those emotions. Men AND women do this.

 

Dude I am so sick of your typical tripe on this forum. Its obvious from the bulk of your posts that you are feel bitter towards women. You have to see both sides of the coin. For most things you say about them, I could also say about us guys....or I could also tell you there are plenty of men and women who do not fall into your generalizations. Thats the truth.

Edited December 29, 2011 by kaylan

[kaylan]

I'm in a similar situation to you (really want kids but am running out of time, and there are no guys to date) but no matter how much I may desperately want a family, part of being a parent is looking out for the welfare of a child. A child deserves a loving, happy home, and he can't have that if the parents are together because there were no other choices.

 

Depending on my career trajectory, I could potentially afford to raise a child alone, but without a central strong male figure, I think I'd be doing the child a major disservice. So I've decided I just have to swallow my own wants and do what's best for the child right off the bat... not have them.

Unless you are in your mid 30s already, you shouldnt feel like time is staring you hard in the face. Look up fertility and birth stats.

Edited December 29, 2011 by kaylan

[YaOldBuckaroo]

...than to get back together with an ex?

 

The premise is that these are the only options. This is not hypothetical. I’m seriously considering it.

 

I’m beginning to think that getting back together with my ex is the better, more practical option. I want to have children, and I’d like for them to be raised in a two parent family. I don’t have a lot of time to make this happen.

 

Our relationship wasn’t ideal, so I know I will have to be willing to accept the flaws.

 

If you had to choose between being single forever without children (assuming you really want them) or returning to a relationship that at times was good, at times mediocre, which would you choose?

 

Hi

 

If you're sure he someone you can bear being with for the rest of your life, and will be an ideal father, then why not?

 

Max

[oaks]

Straight Women can have a Girlfriend and in fact, like i've said before THEY DO already, (women easily make friends with women) they just afriad to come out because we all know all women are Bisexual.

 

Did you invite Wayne Brady over and then forget to lock your computer when you went to get a drink or something?

[Imajerk17]

I find it hard to believe that you have exhausted all of your options to finding someone for you. Have you tried online dating?

[verhrzn]

Then why ask a question that implies you have to choose between two extremes? I.e. either being alone for the rest of your life or getting back together and having a kid with your ex?

 

I think helplessness is a pretty common emotion among single women of a certain age. (My observation: over 25 and under about 45. By 45, single women seem to have adopted a," Screw it, I'm gonna enjoy my life!" sort of attitude, much power to 'em.)

 

I mean, let's say she does move, giving up a job she really loves and an area she likes, to move to a city that supposedly has more men. What if she STILL doesn't find a worthwhile guy? Then she just packed up and moved for nothing. I like in a fairly metropolitan area (it's a big city in the Midwest- you should exhaust the possibilities in under 3 guesses) and there still seems to be a major shortage of singe men here. Maybe they're all hiding under rocks, but I would actually advise against one of my female friends moving here in hopes of landing a good husband.

 

Unless you are in your mid 30s already, you shouldnt feel like time is staring you hard in the face. Look up fertility and birth stats.

 

From the articles I've read, it seems that fertility starts to decline around 35, but doesn't really hit the skids until 40. If you have your first child before 40, you have a much better chance of having more children beyond 40 without complications. Does that seem inline with what you've read?

 

I think the big concern is not just fertility necessarily, but how men look at women over 30. Glance through some of the threads here... you're bound to find at least one male poster talking about how younger women are so much better, how older women are "used/dried up" and "barren." The older the man gets, the more he seems to skew his dating range to favor much younger women. For example, the average 33 year old man will have an age range that is 1-2 years older, but 8-10 years younger, and he'll pursue younger partners more fervently.

 

So while women may be able to have children at a later age, most men don't seem to want those older women. The common advice at that point is to settle for whoever will take your barren self... which is why the OP is wondering if she should just go back to her ex.

 

OP, I've also heard that adopting a baby can be expensive. Have you considered the middle ground of a toddler or slightly older child (4 or 5 years old)?

[iris219]

I think helplessness is a pretty common emotion among single women of a certain age. (My observation: over 25 and under about 45. By 45, single women seem to have adopted a," Screw it, I'm gonna enjoy my life!" sort of attitude, much power to 'em.)

 

I mean, let's say she does move, giving up a job she really loves and an area she likes, to move to a city that supposedly has more men. What if she STILL doesn't find a worthwhile guy? Then she just packed up and moved for nothing. I like in a fairly metropolitan area (it's a big city in the Midwest- you should exhaust the possibilities in under 3 guesses) and there still seems to be a major shortage of singe men here. Maybe they're all hiding under rocks, but I would actually advise against one of my female friends moving here in hopes of landing a good husband.

 

From the articles I've read, it seems that fertility starts to decline around 35, but doesn't really hit the skids until 40. If you have your first child before 40, you have a much better chance of having more children beyond 40 without complications. Does that seem inline with what you've read?

 

I think the big concern is not just fertility necessarily, but how men look at women over 30. Glance through some of the threads here... you're bound to find at least one male poster talking about how younger women are so much better, how older women are "used/dried up" and "barren." The older the man gets, the more he seems to skew his dating range to favor much younger women. For example, the average 33 year old man will have an age range that is 1-2 years older, but 8-10 years younger, and he'll pursue younger partners more fervently.

 

So while women may be able to have children at a later age, most men don't seem to want those older women. The common advice at that point is to settle for whoever will take your barren self... which is why the OP is wondering if she should just go back to her ex.

 

OP, I've also heard that adopting a baby can be expensive. Have you considered the middle ground of a toddler or slightly older child (4 or 5 years old)?

 

From what I've seen, women over 45 have more options than I do because more people have gotten divorced. When I go out the demographic of singles is those who are around 23 (and younger) and those around 53 (and older). There are virtually no single men inbetween. I'm actually not opposed to the 53 year old if he looked like Hugh Laurie (but most don't).

 

Here's the problem that made me consider my ex: Even if I meet a wonderful (or at least acceptable) man tomorrow, what does that do for me? I'm 32, almost 33. I would like to have children before 35. Therefore, a new relationship will have to move at a fast pace, a pace I wouldn't dream of if I was 10 years younger. I will start looking into adoption in 5 years and see what my options are if nothing works out.

 

I've never encountered the ageism I read about on LS. I don't think it's that prevelant IRL. If a man likes a woman, he's not going to discount her when he finds out she's older than he thought. I'm not saying men aren't attracted to younger women, but the couples I know are generally around the same age. I prefer men 5-10 years older anyway.

 

Oh, Verhrzn, you're depressing me! There's no single men there either? I'm not surprised, actually. I have a friend who moved to Seattle last year. We all thought she'd finally have the opportunity to meet a man. She's beautiful and smart (a scientist), and she doesn't meet single men over 30. She finally started doing online dating and says it's been unproductive and a chore.

 

I guess we're just going to have finally come out and admit we're lesbians (although that doesn't help me have children).

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't forget to check out the singles map: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/03/30/a_singles_map_of_the_united_states_of_america/?page=full

 

I live in Chicago, and I've never had a harder time meeting quality guys than I do here. It might be because the ratio of singles is slightly skewed in favor of men. Here, I tend to meet whiny underachievers and guys with mental issues on medication.

 

However, when I travel to Texas to visit family, I meet much higher-quality guys and get asked out by them, even though I'm only in town for a week or less. It seems like they're everywhere, smiling at me, flirting with me. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

 

A friend of mine who lives here is home for the holidays in Arizona right now, and she told me the same thing. She said men are talking to her all over the place, they're WAY friendlier, and there's no mistake that they like you.

 

If I were going to move to find better prospects, I would move to the South or the West.

[thatone]

Straight Women can have a Girlfriend and in fact, like i've said before THEY DO already, (women easily make friends with women) they just afriad to come out because we all know all women are Bisexual.

 

So they give up on men and it's their fault for being single. They just afraid to express their love to a woman because they fear society. But don't women these days always claim that "It's 2012" and that things have changed.

 

Then just come out, and embrace your bisexuality and get a GF. If you didn't make it with men, then get a girlfriend.

 

I'm willing to bet that women could live together and create/raise a family even if they didn't necesarily want sex with a woman. Just go to a sperm bank or get a sperm donor if you want children of your own.

 

There's no reason in this age to need to have a man, IF YOU hate/or have failed with men.

 

i can tell you for a fact from observing my gay sister's relationships that two women in the same house is the same basic idea as a cock fight. there can only be one rooster, if there's more than one, they will try to destroy each other.

 

same principle applies, two women rarely get along in one house together. one is power tripping over the other 24/7/365 and if the roles ever shift due to external circumstances jealousy shifts right along with it, compounding whatever problems existed before.

 

men and women balance each other out and compliment each other. one emotional, one rational. two women can talk all day and never figure anything out. whatever they say is the opposite of what they're really thinking and most of it has no basis in reality anyway, so despite the constant banter (about 99% of which is in some way manipulative) they really might as well not even speak to each other, they'd actually accomplish more that way.

 

i have come to the assumption that unless one or the other in any lesbian relationship has male'ish thought processes it's probably not going to work.

 

honestly, and you all can call it as sexist as you want, my sister's biggest problem is she needs a man in the house to tell her "no".

Edited December 29, 2011 by thatone

[2sunny]

Short answer = YES!!!

[LexiB]

Straight Women can have a Girlfriend and in fact, like i've said before THEY DO already, (women easily make friends with women) they just afriad to come out because we all know all women are Bisexual.

 

So they give up on men and it's their fault for being single. They just afraid to express their love to a woman because they fear society. But don't women these days always claim that "It's 2012" and that things have changed.

 

Then just come out, and embrace your bisexuality and get a GF. If you didn't make it with men, then get a girlfriend.

 

I'm willing to bet that women could live together and create/raise a family even if they didn't necesarily want sex with a woman. Just go to a sperm bank or get a sperm donor if you want children of your own.

 

There's no reason in this age to need to have a man, IF YOU hate/or have failed with men.

 

 

:laugh:

 

All women are bisexual, huh? Thanks for the heads up.

 

<<runs out to get knee pads and a double-sided d*ldo>>

[verhrzn]

Don't forget to check out the singles map: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/03/30/a_singles_map_of_the_united_states_of_america/?page=full

 

Dude, I live in the middle of a big ol' flesh-colored circle and the only time I've met single men is after digging through online sites. So that map is either a myth, or the single guys are all hiding.

[Nexus One]

Dude, I live in the middle of a big ol' flesh-colored circle and the only time I've met single men is after digging through online sites. So that map is either a myth, or the single guys are all hiding.

 

You have male colleagues that are single.

Edited December 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[verhrzn]

You're contradicting yourself. You have male colleagues that are single.

 

True. All right, OP, move to my area and get a job at my company. Plenty of young single men who will drool all over you.

[carhill]

'I never meet a single (attractive) man'. The key word is in the parenthesis.

 

'I never meet single women' (my experience). I just checked today on the king of online dating sites, match, and there were 2 (that's T W O) women listing themselves as single who live within ten miles of me and are from age 45-55. If I deign to date all the way down to teenagers, that number rises to 19.

 

It's really better to be a single women in my neck of the woods because it's a wonderfully brief experience

[iris219]

I live near lots of little blue circles. My town would be a mecca for all those guys on here complaining about not attracting women. I'm telling you, women in my town have no standards because they have no options. For God's sake, I'm considering going back to my jerk of an ex. One of my close female friends just cancelled our New Year's plans to hang out with this guy she has a crush who is in a LTR (his GF will be out of town). I'm annoyed with her, but she NEVER dates, so I'm trying to be understanding (they don't hook up). That's how bad it is. Women here aren't rejecting nice guys because there aren't any to reject.

 

Verhrzn, if you live in a college town (especially a college with a high male population), the results could be skewed because there will be lots of single males in their late teens, early twenties. I didn't see what ages were included in the study.

 

The helplessness and hoplessness I feel stems from the fact that I don’t know any couples who met, married, and started families in their 30’s.

I know people who married around 30, but they had all been together throughout their 20s. I know divorced people with children who met their 2nd husband/wife and remarried in their 40s and beyond, but they aren’t considering any more children.

 

It doesn’t seem like many people met, marry, and have children for the first time in their 30s, at least not among the people I know.

 

I feel like I missed the train or forget to get on.

[verhrzn]

I live near lots of little blue circles. My town would be a mecca for all those guys on here complaining about not attracting women. I'm telling you, women in my town have no standards because they have no options. For God's sake, I'm considering going back to my jerk of an ex. One of my close female friends just cancelled our New Year's plans to hang out with this guy she has a crush who is in a LTR (his GF will be out of town). I'm annoyed with her, but she NEVER dates, so I'm trying to be understanding (they don't hook up). That's how bad it is. Women here aren't rejecting nice guys because there aren't any to reject.

 

Verhrzn, if you live in a college town (especially a college with a high male population), the results could be skewed because there will be lots of single males in their late teens, early twenties. I didn't see what ages were included in the study.

 

The helplessness and hoplessness I feel stems from the fact that I don’t know any couples who met, married, and started families in their 30’s.

I know people who married around 30, but they had all been together throughout their 20s. I know divorced people with children who met their 2nd husband/wife and remarried in their 40s and beyond, but they aren’t considering any more children.

 

It doesn’t seem like many people met, marry, and have children for the first time in their 30s, at least not among the people I know.

 

I feel like I missed the train or forget to get on.

 

No, I don't like in a strictly college town. I live in a major metropolitan city that has a lot of colleges, but it's a not a college town per say.

 

Not sure if it helps, but I feel exactly the same way and have noticed the same trends. If I have any hope of children, I feel like I have to nail down a guy in the next year, at most, in order to 1) not rush him 2) not outlive my own fertility.

 

Go West or South, my good woman... those seem to be the hot spots.